Buried Myself Alive

We were standing outside of Jepha’s apartment building in the dark. Gerard had pressed the buzzer to his apartment about five times in the last two minutes. He looked at me for a second and then started to chew on the side of his nail. “Maybe we should have called Ray to get the number to this place..”

That might have been a smarter idea but I still didn’t get it. Where could they have gone? They didn’t go out to look for us did they? Or did they just go someplace else? … Or was this buzzer broken?

“Hey, G- Gerard!- What if the things is broken?” I gritted my teeth together at almost calling him G.

He groaned and put his hand on his face. “Shit, what the hell are we supposed to do now?”

Suddenly Gerard was thrown into a fit of coughs. I noticed for the first time he was only wearing the t-shirt from the bar… the same one as a night ago. “Oh my gosh, Gerard! You don’t have a jacket?! Are you fucking kidding?”

He looked down at his bare arms. He shrugged. “Oh, yeah. I forgot to get my jacket when we stopped at my place..”

My eyes shot wide. “You’re telling me you haven’t had a jacket this whole time? Even when you slept in the park?!”

He seemed annoyed that I cared about this. “I didn’t think I would need it. I thought I’d be dead by now.”

Subject dropped. That one comment made me not want to think or talk about it anymore. Well, that’s obviously the reason he- “I’m sorry.”

His words caught me off guard. I suddenly got the urge to kiss him again. I couldn’t now though, not the time. That didn’t stop my heart from beating faster and skipping every so often. Shit, this is all because my hormones have been bottled up for over 5 years.

“Gerard, you have nothing to be sorry for.” I put my hand on his shoulder and he turned his head away.

He sighed then smiled a small, sad smile to himself. “You don’t get it though. Frank, if I had found some way to do myself in, and trust me I would have, nothing would have happened between us. You just would have known me as the guy at the bar who killed himself for what? A bunch of rash emotions? What kind of a image of me would that have given you?”

I bit the tip of my tongue. I decided it was better not to think what I would have thought. So instead I found myself checking Gerard out. What a perfect time might I add, us being locked out at 9, surrounded by darkness except for the crappy light coming from the building halls flooding through the door.

He looked fallen, if that’s a way you could describe someone. He was fallen beauty, pained and precious. I watched his eye take the little bit of light around us and make it a fire, a fire inside those hazel embers. Then the anxiety came, crashing me down from all this. The fear of being burned..

I was so wrapped in my thoughts I didn’t notice Gerard standing so close to me, right in front of me. I was scared now, not of him but everyone else. It could be so easy to be spotted by a tough guy on the street and be hurt for nothing, be beaten for being happy. Even though I have grown used to that.

“Frank, what’s wrong? What are you thinking about?” How could his Dad treat him like that? I mentally rolled my eyes. I should be the one to know psycho fathers, but Gerard? No, he was too pure to have that happen to him, but it did. I wish I could just destroy his father. I remember my own father, he destroyed me to a point where he- Forget about those thoughts, Frankie. Forget them all. That’s the past. Think of now, you’re here. You’re here with him.

“Why do you think something’s wrong?” I questioned him. I wanted to know.

He backed away a little bit. “I don’t know, I just sensed it..”

I saw him shiver and caught eye of the goose bumps on his arms. I slipped my hoodie off of my shoulders. I held it in front of him. “Here um, take it. I have long sleeves so I’ll be fine, but you look like you're freezing. Don’t fight me on it either since you were the one who was coughing and not me.”

He slowly took it from my hand. I watched him run his fingers over the inside material. He looked up and smiled at me. “Thanks..”

He slid his arms through the sleeves and sighed. I couldn’t help but find it cute, him snuggling into the hoodie, my hoodie. His eyes were closed and he was smiling, either to himself or just to smile. Either way, it made me want to lean over and feel his lips again.

He opened his eyes, looked at me, and smirked. “What are you staring at? Hmm, Frank?”

I squeezed my eyes shut. Shit. I kept repeating those words in my head. Those words could not be doing that to me, that was too easy. I could feel my heart speeding up and beating harder and harder in my chest. I could feel my blood pulsing quicker and shit was it going to the last spot I wanted it to go to.

I wanted to do something, anything, but I was locked in my position. I heard him move closer in my direction. I finally got my body control back and backed my body up against the wall. Then I realized what a smart move that was. With my eyes still shut, I could feel his breath hitting my cheek and ear and I felt his arm find it’s way around my waist.

Shit. This can’t be happening. “You never answered. What were you looking at?”

I bit my lips at the sound of his voice so close and deep. I was so gunna loose it soon. His arm pulled me closer to him and I felt the material of his jeans pushed right against mine. I bit my lip harder.

“Open your eyes, Frankie..” I did as I was told and opened them. I was eye level with those embers of his staring into my eyes. Holy shit, I think my heart stopped. I stopped biting my lips and I was lost. I was lost within his eyes.

Then my eyes drifted down to his lips, they only had to be an inch away from mine.

“Are you gunna answer, Babe?” My eyes fluttered shut. He called me Babe..

My mind was craving him worse then I've ever craved a cigarette. “You, alright? I was starin’ at you.”

He chuckled and I felt his breath pass over my lips. I opened my eyes again, damn his eyes are so amazing. “Thought so.”

He pressed his lips against mine. He was so light and gentle at first I could barely feel them. Then he leaned against me, pressing me against the wall. Oh fuck, am I gunna have a problem after this. I didn’t realize I had my arm around his neck until I felt his hair in my fingers. It was so soft..

Then I smiled, my turn to dominate this kiss. I parted my lips enough to let my tongue through. I felt his lips and then the tips on his teeth. Finally I met what I wanted to meet. I slowly pressed my tongue against his. I could feel myself turning into mush on the spot. I smiled into the kiss. His fire was turning me to ashes. Either that or it was the fireworks, I hope he’s feeling the same god damn fireworks I am.

I was so lost I didn’t feel someone’s gaze on me. I didn’t notice someone had opened the door and was standing there watching us.

I was so far gone, I was surprised I was able to come back.