Buried Myself Alive

I held my sobs in as the story spilled itself from my mouth. I couldn’t bear to turn my head to see his face. I didn’t want to see what I knew would be there. The last thing I wanted was for him to feel sorry for me. I just wanted him to get it.

I moved my hand from under my chin to my mouth and bit down on my thumb and squeezed my eyes shut. My throat was sore and hurt like hell, I wanted to cry.

“How could she leave me with him?” I felt myself choke and gag on a sob. “He destroyed me. He’s destroying me and he’s not even here. He’s my fucking FATHER for Christ’s sake. He knew it, and he didn’t care!”

I couldn’t control it. All the pain, anger, hate, betrayal, all of it just flooded out along with the tears. There were steady streams forming on my face. “He never will care.”

I don’t even know if he’s still there. Gerard hasn’t said a thing since I began to tell him my pitiful story. I haven’t even heard him breath..

I began to sob more now, I felt so disgusted with myself. I used my left hand to rub at my eyes, a useless attempt to get the tears to stop. I felt arms wrap around me and I opened my eyes to see his hands linked in front of my chest. Another sob broke through my throat, followed by more.

“Shh.. I-it’s alright. It will be alright.” I listened to his words, the way they sounded through my ears, the way they made it to my heart. Just the way he said it, I felt a bit of hope, it was almost like it wasn’t a promise but a fact. It would be alright.

But the tears still fell and the pain still stayed. I felt his head press against my shoulder. He unlinked his hands, moving one to grab the hand I had been using to rub my eyes and moving the other to rest on my other shoulder.

“F-Frank. She never left you, and you know that. She never chose to leave you, it was beyond her choice. It was-”

I pulled away, feeling annoyed at him. “Don’t you fucking tell me it was ’supposed to happen’. Don’t you fucking tell me that. I can’t-” I stood up, never once looking at him. “I can’t deal with this.”

I walked through the door and into the living room he was right behind me, but never said a word. I hated myself when I did this. I got so annoyed at what? A stupid remark that he might not even been about to say.

I moved to take a step toward the door before he grabbed me. He wrapped me into him, and held me to his chest. I closed my eyes and tried again to hold it all in. I couldn’t let myself slip. I never knew all of this would happen at the moment I met Mikey. That one thing changed my whole life.

I started walking him backwards toward the bedroom without realizing it. I heard a voice keep whispering ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry’ over and over again. I heard Gerard’s voice saying ‘There’s nothing to be sorry for’. I found myself pressed against him on the bed. My eyes had been closed this whole time.

So I opened them. He was staring at me, he looked perfect in black and white, which were the only two colors I could see right now. Except for his eyes, I saw the hazel of his eyes. They stood out like stars. “I guess.. That explains me enough for you.”

He looked confused. “What do you mean?”

I felt his fingers brush up and down my shoulder, that sending chills down my spine was an understatement. “I mean. I’m a freak, a loser with a dead mom, a fucker father, I’ve never had any real friends. I’m a loner. I’m meant to be alone. I never did anything to make anything right, I never even buried my own mother! I don’t even know where she was buried, If she was even buried! My life is a bunch of crumbling bricks, Gerard. I’m just meant to fall apart.”

Gerard moved forward a bit and pulled me toward him. “Frankie, just relax it’ll be alright.”

I looked up at him and saw that smile on his face. I knew he said it, but a part of me couldn’t help but hear another voice blend with his. A voice I knew so well…

I snuggled up into him, tying to calm down and to follow his words and relax. Then I heard it.. The soft, soothing melody finding it’s way to my ears. It was calming, pushing me closer to a world of sleep.

I caught a few words and phrases before my dream world came to me. The last part being the most beautiful.

”You can rest easy tonight
everything is gunna be alright, I promise
go to sleep and dream of me tonight
everything may not be perfect, but at least we tried..”