Buried Myself Alive

*Gerard’s POV*

Fucking bastard. He has no idea how much he hurt my brother... Does he? I managed to pull him from the room. The rest of the guys asked questions, I didn’t bother to answer them. I just wanted to get Mikeyhome back to our apartment.

The worst part was that I think he hurt me more then he hurt Mikey. Why would he do that? What could have Mikey said? What the hell happened?

Mikey kept his head down the whole time. He didn’t speak a word, not one, the whole way to our building. It was all fucked now. There was no hope. It was below worth trying.

I pushed the key into the door and lead Mikey into our apartment. As soon as I closed and locked the door he pushed me against the wall. I was struck with shock, but I was able to catch the pain stinging his eyes.

“What the fuck are you doing? Why the hell are you here? Why aren’t you fixing this? Why don’t you ever fucking try? You know why he did this! You know why he pushed me.”

How could I know? I wasn’t there. “Mikes, what are you talking about?”

He sighed frustrated. He lowered his arm, easing the pressure off my chest. He walkted over to open the small fridge we kept in the corner. He pulled out a can of Coke to press against his face. “Well besides the fact I pushed him-”

I marched over to him. “You what?” He held his hand up in defense. “Hold on, G. Really, you always rush things.”

What does he mean by that? “Stop calling me ‘G‘.”

He rolled his eyes at me. “You have to get over him, Gerard. You have Frank now. Did you forget?”

“Had.” I corrected him. "I had Frank."

“Have.” He growled at me. “You have, Frank. You better take care of him good, too.”

I stared at my brother. “He just punched you and your defending him? I’m your brother. Shouldn’t you be telling him this?”

He shook his head violently. “No. I’m telling you. I know you want him as much as he wants you. Tell him-”

“I told you I told him already!” Could I not be any clearer?

Mikey’s eyes narrowed at me. Why was he siding with Frank. I just didn’t get it. “Tell him again! And keep telling him until he fucking knows it! It's not him knowing you love him, Gerard. It's him feeling it. He needs it the same way you do.”

I felt my cheeks turn to fire. I did love him. I couldn’t just go out and tell him that. “He won’t believe me...”

“You know if you weren’t my brother I swear to God, I’d slap you. You really need to show him how much you care about him. Did he tell you?”

I pushed my eyebrows together. “Tell me what- Oh.” I felt stupid. I completely forgot. How could I? Frank’s Dad, his Mom. I wish I could have known his Mom, so different then mine.. She would have accepted Frank. I know it...

“He’s been starved of life, Gerard. You need to make it obvious to him. Show him, tell him, just make him know how much-”

I stood up. “I’m going back. Why don’t you call up Alicia? She’ll help you treat your face.” I cringed after I said it. I watched the smirk form on his lips.

I headed for the door, realizing what a waste of time it was to walk my kid brother home. Soon I started to run. I could feel my lungs tighten with each breath I took. Fuck, no wonder I sucked at Phys. Ed. in high school. Smoking and running don’t mix.

I climbed up the steps to the front of Jeph’s building. Thank god his door is open, I doubt they’d let me in. I pulled the door back so I could make my way up the stairs. I always fuck everything up. I knocked on the apartment door I hoped was the right one.

“Gerard?” I couldn’t tell who’s voice it was.

“Yeah.. I came back to let Frank know that- Come on, just let me in. I really need to talk to him.” The door inched open and I faced Quinn. His eyes were dark and they bore into mine.

“No.”

My eyes squinted a bit and I brought my head back. “No?”

He nodded slowly keeping his eyes on mine. “That’s exactly right; No.”

“Why-” I started to ask, but he cut me off. He opened the door so he could step out into the hallway with me. I don’t know if I wanted to be alone in the hallway with him. His eyes remained dark and his body seemed stiff.

“Why? Well, maybe it's because you fucking hurt the guy who ‘supposedly’ meant the world to you.” He used hand quotes on the word. “Why should I let you talk to him? What if you just want to hurt him or get him back for what he accidentally did to your brother.”

I lifted my hand to meet his shoulder. “You really think I’d do that to him?”

“No..” He sighed and finally looked away. He shut the door to the apartment. “I don’t know what to do. Jeph and Ray have been trying to get him to snap out of it. But it’s like he’s trapped.. He keeps saying your name. He keeps calling for Mikey. He keeps crying sorry.. He just keeps on crying...”

I watched his hand gestures, tired and weak motions. “All I was able to get him to tell me is that no one would ever love him. That they couldn’t. He thinks you’re going to use him.. I don’t know why. Unless you gave him a reason.”

“I didn’t-” He held his hand up. He obviously wasn’t done talking..

He spoke with accusation in his voice. “And there’s the fact he thinks there’s something wrong with liking guys. He thinks he’s 100% worthless, and even though I seriously doubt I should let you see him I think you’re the only one who can help him right now.”

“He- He what..?” So much information. He glared at me after my attempt to speak.

“Look, I really would rather not talk to you right now. I don’t know what to do and I don‘t want him to do anything stupid. Just go in and talk to him. Okay?” I couldn’t help but nod. Quinn’s voice was so commanding.

He turned and opened the door identical to all the others on the floor. I took a step in. I didn’t feel welcomed at all. The air itself seemed to choke me.

“Ray. Jeph. Come ‘ere. Don’t say anything either.” He called them into the room as he shut the door. I watched as they both entered, saying they weren’t happy about me there would be an understatement. I don’t get what I did. I mean, I couldn’t have hurt him that bad could-

Then I heard the sound. The one that should have shattered my heart and broke my ears, but it did so much worse...

His soft, low cries from the bedroom. He was in Quinn’s room now, I could tell where the sound was coming from. No. That wasn’t caused by me. There’s no way that was caused by me. I didn't mean that much to anyone... I did, but not... Not like that.

I felt a push from behind. It was Quinn. “What the fuck are you waiting for? Go.” I made my way, with my head down, toward the bedroom. The door was left ajar. I pushed it open cautiously. What if he didn’t want to see me?

“Frank?” I could see his outline, curled up on the bed. He was facing the wall, away from me.

I kicked my shoes off, leaving them by the bed. “Frank...?”

I kneeled onto the bed and moved closer to him. I could tell he was trying to control his sobs, it wasn’t working. I broke into more pieces, they were trailing behind me like breadcrumbs. I did this. I did this.

I moved so I was right next to him. I sat on the heels on my feet. He lifted his head up so his eyes were met with mine. My heart stopped along with my breathing. No, I couldn’t have torn him that much. There’s no way.

His gorgeous hazel eyes, light and happy were tinted darker. It was so slight you wouldn’t have noticed unless you’d stared into his eyes as long as I had. So many emotions laced in his irises. His lips moved and curved to form the words I’d said to him before.

“What are you doing here?”