Buried Myself Alive

Please, let him be there.. Tell me that he’s with Mikey.. My mind kept hoping he’d have gone back, that he’d be there.

A reason? Were there any reasons left for anything? I swallowed down the chill that hadn’t left my body since I walked away from my father. Please.. Gerard, please, let you forgive me. I sighed and sucked back in a deep breath of air.

My fault. All of this was my fault. I did deserve it. Not in the self pity sort of way, I just.. did. Even if I didn’t, it happened. It’s been done.. It’s not like Jeff hasn’t treated me worse.

I glanced up from my feet, at the few people passing me on the sidewalk. Some faces wrapped and hidden by scarves, hiding away from the whipping wind. I finally spotted the building on the corner.

I climbed up the steeping driveway that was on a slope. My body was functioning, my mind just wasn’t working.

“Need you.”

I was speaking to myself, not even in full sentences.

“Help. God, help.”

I made my way up the flight of steps toward the front door. When I reached the door, it was open. I took the stairs up to his floor, walking into the hallway. Could he be here? Would he be here? Would he come back to where I know he could be?

The door, his door, stood in front of me after my feet automatically carried me to it’s doormat. I reached my hand up, weakly knocking. A voice answered, “Yeah. Who is it?”

“It’s me.. F-Frank.”

The sound of my voice didn’t sound like mine. It sounded like a boy’s.. A lost boy’s. That couldn’t be me.

I heard a girl’s voice come from inside as well, “Mikey..? Babe, who is it?”

“I don’t know. Now, seriously, who is this?”

My eyes looked around the frame of the door. They landed on the doorknob, the peak hole, and the lock. I saw myself, for some odd reason, like the door. I hid myself, locked people out, there was a way to get in, but that key was lost. I could see out, see the world, but I wouldn’t- couldn’t let anyone in.

“Mikey.. Please. I need-“ I needed so many things. I needed to realize what happen, let it in. I couldn’t do that. I needed to feel Gerard, love Gerard.. I couldn’t do that.. Couldn’t do that without hurting him.. “Please! Just- Just let me in! If Gerard said not to let me in, to ignore me.. I understand that! Just, God, I don’t-“

I stopped talking. I don’t know what to do… I sighed, letting out a shaky breath. I turned on my heel and started to walk back down the hallway. There was no place for me anywhere. What could I expect?

Maybe Jeff’s threat would be a good thing.. Then maybe I’d stop screwing up other people’s lives. I suddenly heard the click of their lock, it echoed throughout the hall.

I turned around as Mikey poked his head into the hallway. His eyes met mine and suddenly changed from the hardness they were looking at me with.. To soft, disgusting pity. I could care less.

“Is.. Is Gerard there..?”