Buried Myself Alive

Mikey was leading me toward this place with a green neon sign at top of it’s entrance.

The Green Eagle.

I don’t know anybody besides Mikey. I mean I haven’t talked to new people since well.. Mikey. Fuck I hate this. I hate my father. I hate my life. Why am I doing this. I could just turn around and go back. Is facing him actually better then this. Maybe. Eh, who are I kidding. He’d seriously kill me if he got his hands on me. Who says that’s a bad thing?

“Mikey?” I turned my head toward him. I lifted my right arm to hug my left.

“Yeah dude?” He looked at me and smiled a little. He was such a good guy.

“I’m not that sure about this, man. I mean I don’t know any of them. Just you, you know? I’m not that great with new people and-”

“And nothing. They’re all nice guys, Frank. Trust me.”

Could I trust him though? Would he turn on me? I took in Mikey’s feature’s again. He was so nice, I guess I just should.

“Okay, but I’m still a little freaked out about this.”

Mikey ignored me and motioned me to follow him into the bar. It reeked of Cigarettes and Beer. What was I supposed to expect? Lilies and Roses? It’s a bar.

Mikey was walking toward a booth where two guys were sitting. One of their backs facing us. The one who was facing us had a puffy afro on his head and a oval face. He had a leather jacket on. I looked down at my hoodie. I feel like such a geek in this now.

The one who’s back was facing us, I could only make out the back of his head. He had mop-like black hair to his shirt collar and the shirt happened to be black. I felt a little better in how I was dressed now. The guy had been sliding his beer back and forth and the fro dude was staring at his beer glass.

I followed Mikey like a dog follows it’s owner. Oh just great, I’m comparing myself to a dog. I stood behind Mikey as we got nearer to the booth.

“The silent genius Ray Toro sits staring at the foam of his beer contempt plating whether it was Whip Cream or my delicious cum settling at the top of his beer.” Mikey said to the guy with the afro. I take it that’s Ray.

“Mikes!” The other guy with the mop hair shouted as he turned to see Mikey. He gave Mikey a hug and Mikey’s face flushed. ”That’s the best shit I’ve heard out of your mouth in you’re whole freakin’ life!”

Ray looked at Mikey and waved his hand.

“Ay es muy bueno a ver te asshole.” Ray has a weird, creepy smile on his face. Was he drunk?

“We all know you suck at Spanish, Ray, but you could have at least tried to choose a different word than ‘asshole’. I mean dude we’ve been saying that since we were eleven.”

“Nine for you, Mikes.” The other guy said. I looked down at my feet. God, why did I come here? Why am I here? Ugh, I always do this to myself! Fuck I hate this. Shit. I’m pulling on my sleeves again. At least I have my hoodie. I bet I’d be scared as hell if I didn’t. Not that I’m scared or anything.

“Hey who’s that? Don’t tell me it’s another hooker, Mikey.” My head lifted out of my thoughts to see the mop-head smiling at me. Ugh. Please tell me he’s joking. I don’t even look like a fucking hooker. Mikey looks like it more then me damn it. So I decided to make a simple statement for everyone before they got any ideas.

“I’m not gay.” Mop-head’s smile dropped.

“I never said you were, man. I was just teasing my bro.” So wait. That’s Gerard?! I remind Mikey of him? Mikey and Gerard don’t even look like brothers. What the fuck?

Mikey noticed I was still standing.

“Dude, take a seat! The ass right here with the mouth and hair is Ray. His prize possession is that Fro.” Mikey poked Ray’s hair. I lifted my head in Ray’s direction, I wasn’t much for hellos and goodbyes.

“That big mutt is my older brother Gerard. He’s the one I was telling you about.” Mikey pointed toward Mop-head and his lips lifted into a light smile. It was kinda cute but- WHAT. THE. FUCK! I did NOT think that.

“Oh so you don’t tell him anything about me. Pssh. I see how it is.” Ray gave Mikey a shove.

“Stop being such a fucking diva! Oh and this is Frank! Ray, Gee, meet Frank.”

I took a seat next to Gerard. I felt really anxious next to him. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

“So umm Frank, Have you ever had beer before?” I looked up to see Gerard looking at me, almost studying me. I to a notice to how light his eyes were, a hazel-brown color.

“Beer? Uh no not really..” Shit, I forgot. When I was 9 I made a promise to myself never to drink even a drop of beer, even a molecule.. Should I keep it? What if I end up like Jeff? If I ever treated my kid like he treats me all because I’m addicted to shit.

“Well do you want some? Afro head has this friend of his-”

“JEPHA!!!!!” Ray shouted out of nowhere, I actually jumped. I hope no one saw that.

“God fucking DAMN it Ray! Can’t you keep your cool about anything??” Gerard seemed to have been startled by it too. Obviously. Ray just looked at him blankly.

Four guys were walking toward our table and Ray got up and gave the one in front a hug. The guy laughed. He started introducing Ray to the three guys behind him.

I looked down again. Why did I have to follow Mikey? I couldn’t took off in a different direction, I could’ve punched him, kicked him, beat him up, anything. But I didn’t. God, I’m such a fucking wimp.

“ Hey dude, you okay?” Gerard asked me. Pity. He had pity in his voice just like his brother did, but Gerard had never heard Jeff yell, he never heard Jeff scream, he never heard Jeff threaten me. Why was he pitying me? I’m just that pathetic. I looked down again

“Oh um yeah I’m okay. I just, I’m not used to people that much.” Which is true. I was honestly beginning to feel more comfortable around Gerard. I took him the wrong way earlier. I looked up to take a better look at his face.

Gerard had a older looking face then me, even though that was common because most guys do. He had small, white teeth and thin lips. I usually find guys with thin lips weird, but they fit Gerard. His eyes, which I had already picked up on, were more hazel then brown. Really luring, and they were actually drawing me in. Then Gerard looked at me funny. Fuck, tell me he cant mind read. He lifted his eyebrows up.

“What do you mean? You don’t have any friends or family? You don’t go out? Don’t you have a girlfriend?”

Why is he asking me that? Why would he care? He’s just curious. Yeah. He’s just curious. Right?

“Me? Have a girlfriend?” I couldn’t help but laugh, except it came out too high. Wait.. I laughed? Me?? I haven’t laughed in.. I can’t remember that far back.

“I take that as a no,” He started to laugh too, but not at me. That was new. “So umm after those guys settle in you want a beer? I could get one for you ya know. They don’t really care in here about IDs as long as you have something to give them to prove you’re 21. They just care that you pay for the drink.”

“Um no. It’s okay. I don’t need a drink. I don’t like beer that much.” Lie. I hate beer, I hate what it does to people. How it changes them. I wish Jeff never had been a drunk. Maybe he would have loved my mom. Maybe he would have loved me. Maybe, just maybe, she would still be alive..

“Well, Have you ever tried it??” I glanced back up at Gerard. He wouldn’t understand. He didn’t know what that drink in his hand could really do. I looked back down.

I heard Gerard sigh. He was really trying to talk to me. I wish I could really talk to him. He wasn’t a bad guy, I could tell. He just cared. How can people care for strangers and my own god damn father not give a shit abotu his own son?

The four guys sat down, filling in all the space in the booth. Two guys sat next to me and the other two sat next to Ray. The guy that sat closest to me had messy, long black hair and stubble all over his chin. He had heart shaped lips which looked odd on him but gave him a sweeter look. The guy that sat on the corner had blonde hair and wore a thin grey shirt. I Hold Up Under Pressure was printed on the front.

I didn’t take much of a look at the other two guys. I only noticed that the guy Ray had hugged had a bunch of tattoos. I mean like seriously a lot. Maybe that’s something I’ll do. I’ll get a tattoo. Something that has to do with me.

The guys who just sat down were still trying to get themselves comfortable. I shifted myself closer to Gerard. I felt safer sitting closer to him then the other guy. There was a creepy vibe I was getting from him.

I felt something tap my foot. Shit, it was Gerard’s foot. I jumped back. Why am I so jumpy? This is too weird. It just from so many people. Yeah that’s it. I looked at Gerard’s shoes, he had a pair of worn black Converse on. He pulled his foot back a little then tipped his heel up and started swaying his foot back and forth.

In the corner of my eye I saw Gerard had brought his hand up to his lips, I caught the hidden smile. I could see that his eyes were lighter in color. He did that on purpose! He didn’t seem the gay type. I mean well he had to have a girlfriend. He looked too … to not have one. Is that why he asked me if I had a girlfriend?

“Okay, so Mikey, Gerard, Frank.” I gave a fake smile when my name was said.

“Meet Dan, Quinn, Bert, and Jepha.” Dan and Jepha were the two guys sitting on Mikey’s side. Jepha being the guy with the tattoos. Bert was the guy sitting next to me, and Quinn being the one next to him with the blonde hair.

“Ray, I remember you mentioning Gerard and Mikey but never a Frank,” Jepha looked at me. “I hope you don’t mind me asking but um-”

“Oh? Frank well Mikey brought him along for tonight. He’ll just tag along with us. There is no problem with an extra man is there Jeph?”

“No, of course not! Just one of you will have to reuse an ID because I didn’t bring any extra cards…” I looked up at Jepha. I wasn’t going to be needing any ID card.

“It’s Okay .. Jepha, I don’t need an ID. I don’t drink.” Everyone who was at our table looked at me weird except for Gerard.. I had already told Gerard I don’t drink. No one else at the table knew. Mikey looked worried, almost like he brought an alien to the table.

“Oh common Frank! You gotta at least try sometime!” Mikey pushed his glass into my hands. I looked at the yellow-orange liquid and pushed the glass back into Mikey‘s hands.

“No honestly.. I just- I don’t drink.” Great, now I was stuttering. I could feel all their eyes on me. I looked down again and noticed I was still pulling on my hoodie. I really need to stop that.

“Guys, just let him be. If he don’t want a drink, he doesn’t want one.” I looked to see that it was Quinn that had came to my defense.

“Sorry man..” I knew Mikey didn’t mean to put me on the spot, but now he was the guy on the spot.

“Hey man, don’t feel bad. I’ll just have something else ya know?” I brushed my hair away from my eye. I hate when it starts curving toward my eye. So irritating.

“Hey is it okay if I go ahead and grab my self a glass, I’m really dying here.” The guy next to me, Bert, nudged Quinn . Quinn got out of the booth to let Bert out. Quinn sat down and looked at Jepha with a worried expression on his face.

“We should really be careful with Bert. He gets a little crazy when he drinks too much.” Crazy? Wait does that mean he’s like Jeff? Does he go mad? Does he throw things? Smash things? Beat up his only son…

“Wh- What do you mean by ‘crazy’?” I got to stop stuttering. It makes thing so fucking obvious. That’s what I am obvious. I looked to see where Bert was. He was still at the bar waiting for his drink. I looked back at Quinn.

“Oh he’s not violent or anything don’t worry. He just does stupid things. Like the time he gave my sister a lap dance.” Quinn started laughing and so Jepha. I would’ve killed Bert if he did anything like that to my sister. I wouldn’t care if he’s drunk.

I relised then there was something in Quinn's laugh. Something hidden in it. I wonder what it could be. Probably nothing...

Bert was back now and taking a seat next to Quinn on the corner of the booth. Bert drank down the whole 12 ounces in the bottle. Some of the guys, like Mikey and Gerard were in utter shock that anyone could do that. For me, I was used to seeing a certain man do that everyday.

“Bert, you know you might want to slow down a little.. You remember last time.” Jepha shot Quinn a worried look. Bert just laughed at them.

“You guys worry too much! Jeez. I just slipped a little!” He said in a high voice and got up to refill get another bottle.

“He’s never gunna learn is he?” Quinn said as he started to bite his nails. Dan just shook his head.

“Remember who we’re talking about, Quinn.” I take I, from Dan’s words, that Bert did this a lot.

Mikey had gotten bored with the conversation and reached up to pull on Ray’s hair. Ray jumped and turned to glare at Mikey.

“DUDE! What the FUCK?!” Rays rubbed the part his head where Mikey had yanked on his hair.

“Aw poor little Ray-Ray! Does he need a kissy to make it betta?” Mikey said in a baby voice and puckered his lips as he leaned closer to Ray’s face. Ray shoved Mikey into Jepha. Jepha almost pushed Dan off the seat. Dan pushed Jepha into Mikey who pushed into Ray who also almost fell off the seat. Quinn slid out of the booth to go check on Bert.

It honestly amazes me how much I can see going on around me when I wasn’t even looking.

I felt a poke from Gerard on my shoulder. I turned my head to face him.

“Yeah? What is it?” Gerard started sliding his beer bottle back and forth between his hands again.

“I umm.. You know they sell other things besides beer here. I’ve seen some guys bring their kids here, don’t ask me why, but I’m pretty sure they had soda or something. If you want of course.” Why was he acting so weird? I ran my tongue against the roof of my mouth. I was thirsty.

“Yeah, that works I guess.” I was about to get myself a soda when Gerard stopped me.

“Wait, don’t bother. I’m just going to head to the can then I’ll grab you something. What kind of soda you drink?”

“Umm Coke? It doesn’t really matter.” I hope they have Coke, I mean I hate Pepsi. It just doesn’t taste the same.

Gerard stood up and walked toward bathrooms. I looked to see where Quinn and Bert were. I found them at the bar, Quinn was trying to get Bert to quit with the beers. I noticed 4 empty bottles on the bar and one half empty bottle in Bert’s hand.

The Bartender was shaking his head at the way Bert was acting. I wonder how many drunks he had to deal with. Gerard had just come out of the bathroom and he didn’t see Quinn and Bert yet. He was busy talking to the Bartender, probably giving him the drink orders.

I saw Gerard’s eyes wander to where Quinn and Bert were still arguing. Wait.. Why am I watching Gerard? God, I’m more pathetic then I thought. Bert started laughing as Quinn shook his head.

Gerard’s jaw dropped slightly at something he must’ve heard. I wonder what could have been that surprising? The Bartender had placed the drinks on the counter for Gerard to take back to the table for us. Bert had turned to see Gerard looking at him and started to walk toward him.

Bert said something and started to lean towards Gerard. I noticed all the guys had stopped their pushing fight to watch what was going on. I realized that I was the only one sitting on my side of the booth.

“Eeek! Bert’s gunna kiss Gee!!” Mikey squealed as he watched his brother’s face. Bert’s not really going to kiss him though. Gerard would freak right? Why was I freaking at this. God I’m such a fucking loser.

Gerard looked at me, I could see panic in his eyes. Why was he looking at me?? God I bet he thinks I’m a freak for staring at him.. But I can’t look away. The guys burst out laughing as they watched Bert lean closer to Gerard. Mikey and Ray started cheering. I couldn’t join them though. I just couldn’t.

I felt my jaw drop as I watched Bert kiss Gerard. His eyes had shot wide open and he was looking at the wall blankly. His eyes darted to where I was sitting. He was studying me again.

Gerard was still looking at me when he closed his eyes then and I watched as he relaxed his mouth and kissed Bert back. I felt suddenly sick as I watched them. Dan had joined in with the hooting. My stomach churned again as I saw one of their tongues. I cringed.

Bert pulled back and Gerard’s mouth was hanging open. Quinn said something to Gerard and whatever he said he made Gerard feel like shit because as he grabbed my drink he was looking at the floor.

Quinn made a sharp pull on Bert’s shirt and barked something at him. Quinn started pushing Bert toward the bathroom. Bert was stumbling and tripping over his own feet. All the guys watched as Gerard sat down, but he didn’t look at any of us. He placed the red plastic cup in front of me and lowered his hands to his lap. He was biting his lip.

I honestly didn’t want to sit next to Gerard right now. I think he sensed that for some odd reason because he leaned away from me.

“Mikey, we’re leaving.” Gerard’s voice was so hard when he said that but Mikey didn’t notice.

“Geerarrdd! Why?! I don’t want to leave. The fun was just getting started!” Mikey was whining like a 5 year old who didn’t want to leave the zoo. But Gerard shot Mikey a glare when he said that last sentence.

“Now.” Mikey sighed and asked Ray to let him out. Ray and Mikey climbed out of the seat. Gerard was already at the front entrance/exit waiting for Mikey. He had his arms folded and he was staring at the wall.

Mikey turned to look at me. I could see he felt bad that he was about to leave me, but I understood that he didn’t want to disobey his older brother’s order.

“Frank, I’m sorry about all this. Maybe you could crash at someone’s place? That has to be better then well ya know..” I nodded toward him. I knew what he meant, but who’s place would I go to?

Mikey took a quick glance toward the door and then back to me. I saw his hand flex into a fist then relax.

“I’m really sorry, Frank. Honest man. My brother does shit too. Please don’t hold it against him though. Maybe one of you guys could take him in, right?” Mikey looked from Ray to Dan to Jepha.

Take me in? What was I a lost dog with no collar. What’s with me comparing myself with dogs anyway? Maybe I am a lost dog with no collar. Yeah, that’s exactly what I am. A lost dog with no safe home, no owner. A stray.

Ray shook his head and looked at me.

“Sorry, Frank. My girlfriend wouldn’t be that cool with it. There’d be no place for you to sleep anyway.”

Dan looked at me with puppy eyes and then back down at his hands. I didn’t find that helpful.

“I already have Bert sleeping on my couch. His ex-girlfriend kicked him out.. I would have let you have the couch but… Sorry Frank.” At least he really meant it. He seemed like he would trade me for Bert any day.

Jepha looked at me next. He smiled a genuine smile.

“Don’t worry, dude. I gotcha covered. You can crash on the couch since Quinn already has the spare bedroom. I got some extra pillows and crap.”

“Thanks but you don’t have to-” I started to say but Mikey wouldn’t let me object.

“No, Frank. You are no going back to that hellhole! I would have taken you to our place but well you understand.” Mikey said and turned to Jepha. “Dude, do not let him say no. I don’t care what he says, you keep him at your place. You got that?” Jepha nodded.

“I’ll talk to you guys some other time ‘kay?” Mikey said to us as a chorus of byes came from the rest of us.

“Mikey!” Gerard shouted. Mikey looked down. He headed for the door only to stop as he passed me. He rested his hand on my shoulder.

“I hope things get better from here, Frank. I’ll be coming around Jepha’s place tomorrow. See ya, man.” Mikey have my shoulder a squeeze and walked toward Gerard. I turned in my seat to see the back of Gerard as he slowly walked through the door.