Buried Myself Alive

I swallowed a gulp of saliva. I hated fags. That’s just how I was raised. But they were people, there wasn’t anything wrong with them. Didn’t I think Gerard had a cute smile.. I wrinkled my nose as I remember how I felt when Bert kissed Gerard.

Wait.. I didn’t fell sick when Bert kissed Gerard. I was just shocked then. I only felt sick after.. After Gerard kiss him back? What the fuck?

I shook my head then I looked at Quinn. I was just so confused. All these things never mattered before, they made no difference.

“I have no clue anymore..” Through my own ears my voice was mumbled. Quinn heard me fine though.

“Well will you curse me out and tell me to go to hell if I were gay?” I looked Quinn in the face and he caught my eye for about a second since he was still driving, but in that second I saw in his eyes that he was serious.

I thought about that for a second. Quinn was a good guy, I had nothing against him. I didn’t know enough about him to have anything to hold against him. He wanted me to trust him and he wanted to be able to trust me. No, I wouldn’t curse him out if he was gay. He’d still be Quinn.

I shook my head, “No, I wouldn’t.”

He smiled then, relieved he didn’t have to worry about me being a homophobe. If only he knew what my father was like.

“Okay, good then. Now I can tell you my story without worrying about you hating me.” He sighed. This really looked like it was hard for him to tell me. He just wanted someone to tell. I knew how he felt. I had been trapped in my own thoughts for the past 10 years. My only outside conversations were with Matt and once in a while with his stand-ins.

“You saw me arguing with Bert, right?” I nodded. He continued, “I’ve always had a problem with Bert drinking. He never listened to me. Ever. The reason I had asked if you had anything against anyone who’s gay is because.. Well, Frank, I am.”

My breath caught in my throat slightly. I was excepting Quinn to say Bert was, which was obvious he had some interest in guys after today’s display..

“I had fallen for Bert sometime after we had first met. There was something about him that drew to him, something that still draws me to him now,” Quinn sighed wearily as he slowed to another red light. “Bert and I kept ourselves secret from the guys.. Though they teased us on certain little things like spending some nights in the same bed.”

I could see a light smile on Quinn’s face. It reminded me of how mom would smile when she’d sometimes stare at something, like a flower or a bird. I knew she had been thinking about Jeff, I could always tell. She had this look in her eyes, sad and pain from her memories. It was that, maybe, that let me be so close to Quinn.

“I loved Bert. I loved how he laughed, smiled, and teased. I mostly remember loving how his eyes glowed when he looked at me.. At least when he’s sober.. That’s why I still love Bert now, because of that Bert.” The light switched to green and Quinn gently pushed his foot against the gas pedal.

“Then I saw the first time Bert got drunk, around me anyway. I had known Bert for around two and a half months at that point. Bert had drank about 5 beers and was leaning on me. He wanted to go back to his place. I only had about 3 beers so I figured I was good to go.”

Quinn shook his head to himself. He didn’t like to remember that night it seemed. He kept his eyes focused on the road and his hands tightly gripped on the steering wheel.

“When we got to his room…” He stopped to glance at me again. “I don’t know if you’d want to hear all this.”

I wanted to though. My mind wanted to know everything that had happened to him, to see if there was someone who was even close to the type of shit I had been through. I wanted someone who understood more then anything in the world.

“I want to know, Quinn. And I promise on my mother’s grave-” Quinn slowed the car and looked at me confused but turned his head back to the road. I knew this was risky, to trust him with that one thing that could tear my heart apart and destroy me. “That I you can trust me with anything.”

Either way. What’s to destroy, If I’ve already been destroyed.