Even Forever Doesn't Seem Like Long Enough

Brendon's face had paled dramatically and his stare at the wall hadn't broken for at least a few minutes.

I kept silent, giving him time to absorb and comprehend the information I'd just thrown at him.

More minutes passed and he still hadn't said anything- It was driving me crazy. The silence seemed almost impenetrable because I didn't want to say anything until he did. The tension had thickened the atmosphere to a point where I was afraid to breathe too loudly.

I just wanted him to say something. Anything.

I'd have given anything for him to speak.

After a moment, I glanced up at him to see his eyes rapidly darting horizontally, as if he were searching for something to say.

"How long?" He finally came up with.

"How long, what?" I asked in confusion.

"How long have you known for?"

"I'm not completely sure about exact dates but probably just over five months," I replied meekly.

He brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, "So, you knew before you met me?"

I nodded hesitantly, "Yeah, it's actually the reason I met you,"

He frowned, "What do you mean?"

"You know the way I was telling you about everybody getting told something or doing something that makes them change?"

"Yeah,"

"Well, when I finally got out of my self-pity stage after being told 'that something', I went into that florist's and, in my new found sense of spontaneity, I started speaking to the first stranger I saw. You just happened to be that stranger," I explained.

"Oh," He didn't speak for a few seconds after that.

The intermittent silences were really too much.

"Why didn't you tell me?" His eyes locked on my watering ones causing me to sniffle slightly.

"I don't know- I was scared I guess," I pulled my legs up onto the bed.

"Scared of what?" His eyebrows furrowed.

"... Losing you," I almost whispered, my head falling so that my eyes were locked on the bed covers.

Suddenly, I felt his hand on mine, "Why?"

"I... I can't even explain it," Sadness and exhaustion were emanating from my eyes.

Brendon reached forward and tilted my face up so that our eyes met, "Please try,"

I paused as I thought for a second, "I don't know what it is about you but when we kept bumping into each other I knew that there was some sort of... Like, connection or something. I kept trying to tell you but it was so hard and I know I shouldn't have kept it from you for so long but there was something that was trying to bring us together. I firmly believe in fate and I didn't want to ruin whatever it was that we were supposed to do,"

"I don't understand, did you think that I would run away from you when you told me or something?"

"Not literally run away screaming but I figured that you wouldn't want to get involved with me because of it,"

"Amber," He sighed disappointedly, "You should've given me more credit than that,"

"I know," My voice cracked so I cleared my throat but it didn't help. My throat was cracking due to the build up of tears from the guilt I couldn't dispose of, "I'm sorry,"

He shook his head and got up from the bed, threw on a shirt and then wandered out of the bedroom. I sniffed and let out a quiet whimper. I wasn't intending to follow him because I didn't want to say something in case I made it worse.

I guessed that he'd have to take some time to think about what was going to happen- After all, the ball was now in his court.

Wiping away a stray tear, I ran a hand through my hair and swung my legs over the bed. As I went to pull myself to my feet, Brendon re-entered the room with two cups.

He smiled slightly and handed me a cup before he took his previous seating position, "I thought the forthcoming chat needed some form of hot drink,"

I smiled slightly, happy that he wanted to talk this out; then again there wasn't really anywhere to run to considering we were in Italy.

Fixating myself back on the bed across from him, I wrapped my fingers around the mug of tea and looked up at him.

"I'm sorry, Brendon," I began.

"I just wish you would've told me sooner," He sighed despondently and drummed his fingers against the cup.

"I honestly did try but I was just such a coward. I've only just plucked up the courage now so I had to do it before I completely wimped out again- I didn't choose now because of what happened last night or because you can't really run away from me,"

"I'd never considered either of those to be honest. Don't you understand that I wouldn't run away from this? I like to think I'm a better person than that and especially a better boyfriend,"

"You're still my boyfriend?" Hope was re-instilled in me.

"Amber, it's quite hurtful to know you think I'm like that," He actually looked quite upset.

"I don't, I just think that everyone's loyalties are tested in situations like this. And besides, who'd want to date a dead girl walking?" I laughed humourlessly and shrugged my shoulders.

"Being a 'dead girl walking' has no affect on the way I feel for you," He grimaced at his reiteration of my words, "It's the fact that you're a funny, caring, beautiful, albeit slightly insane, girl that I can't escape from that you're my girlfriend. Nothing is going to change that,"

I smiled at him, "I'm such an idiot. I should know that you're a better person. I do know that," I rested a hand on his knee, "I was just being selfish and I'm sorry. I just..." I stopped, not knowing what to say.

"I'm not going to deny that there isn't something between us Ambs; not just the attraction but there's something extra there and I can understand that you didn't want to lose that because I don't want to either," He laced our fingers, "But I need to know that you trust me and to know that you know I'm a good person,"

"I know you're a good person, that's the one thing I'm certain of and I trust you,"

"So are there any more secrets between us?"

I shook my head, "Nothing that I wouldn't tell you if you asked,"

He smiled and nodded, "Good," He held out his arms, "Come here,"

Shuffling over to him, I entered his embrace and wrapped my arms around his neck, holding him close as he kept his arms tight around me. I buried my face into his shoulder, inhaling his scent and hoping this was the last time the situation would occur as badly as that.

7pm

To my disappointment, some things were different. The things that had changed were mainly conversation orientated. There tended to be more silences and Brendon seemed to be choosing his words carefully.

At the moment, we were sitting on a small isolated beach type thing, surrounded by cliffs. It was lovely and tranquil. I was gazing out onto the evening sky, comfortable on the soft sand.

As I looked over to Brendon, he was lying down on his back, his head resting on his arms. He looked completely lost in his thoughts.

"What're you thinking about?" I questioned timidly.

He glanced back at me and shrugged, "Nothing really,"

"Oh," I breathed. Standing up, I dusted off the back of my pants and stretched.

"Where are you going?"

"In the water," I replied, heading for the cliffs.

"The water's that way," He pointed towards the sea in front of us as if I'd lost my mind.

"Yeah, I know," I chuckled, "But what fun would it be if I went the easy way?" I grinned devilishly before wandering over to the cliffs.

As I climbed up the rocks, taking care not to fall over and smash my face on a rock, I heard someone follow me.

"Why are you going to jump?" Brendon asked, keeping his eyes on the rocks he was intending to dodge.

"Because I want to," I stated shortly as I reached the highest rock.

"But, what if you hurt yourself?"

I shrugged, "I don't think I will,"

"There might be rocks under the water that you could hit,"

I glanced at him and then down at the water we were towering above before I raised my shoulders indifferently, "I think I'll take the risk,"

"So, you choose to jump to a possible death rather than just get in the water?" He raised his eyebrows at me.

"Well, I'm dying anyway, what's a few months early going to change?" I joked with a smile. His face fell and his eyes grew sullen.

I didn't understand why anyone wasn't going to laugh and joke about it when I was willing to.

"You shouldn't really joke about it Amber," He seemed disappointed in me.

"I don't want to argue about this," I sighed, edging towards the cliff face.

"Who's arguing?" He frowned.

"No-one but we will be if we get into this, so how about I just jump and you can follow or just choose to go back down?"

"But I don't want you to get hurt," He murmured, his eyes on the floor and his arms crossed over his chest.

"I've been doing crazy things like this since I was diagnosed," I stared at him curiously before shaking my head. Deciding I was going to do it whether he thought I should or not, I sighed, "I'll see you down there,"

With that, I took a running jump from the edge of the cliff, flailing my arms and legs as I plummeted through the air and hit the water with a force and a temperature that felt like a million pin-pricks all over my skin.

As amazing as the rush of adrenaline was, the moment I'd hit that water and come to the surface (perfectly fine might I add) I knew that there were still problems. I had no idea what possessed me to think that my problems would've dissolved in the sea water but I'd hoped.

I dunked my head back under briefly so that my hair wasn't a mess before I rubbed my hands over my face. I wasn't quite sure whether all the water droplets were from the sea I'd splashed into, either.

Sniffling slightly, I made my way back to shore. As I noticed Brendon was still sitting atop of the cliff, his legs dangling over the edge, I dried myself off a little with a towel and took a deep breath in preparation.

I wiped my face free of any stray tears and began my walk up to him.

Honestly, I felt like I was walking the plank.

Brendon glanced up at me as I reached him and sent me a half-hearted smile before he looked out onto the horizon again.

Silently, I sat down beside him, our shoulders touching and my gaze set on the view ahead.

After a long silence, I looked over at him and he set his solemn brown eyes on mine causing us to stare for a while, searching. I wasn't quite sure what he was looking for but I was certain what I was and I wasn't exactly ecstatic when I saw it very prominently in his eyes.

I sighed, gently resting my head on his shoulder to which he responded with a loving kiss to my forehead before he rested his head on mine.

With a pounding heart and a saddened, shaky voice I said something I hoped, with everything that I was, he'd disagree with.

"Everything's changed hasn't it?"

The normal exquisite feelings still happened as he laced our fingers and caringly squeezed my hand.

In the same painful tone, he let out a deep breath and replied.

"Yeah... I think it has,"

To Do List1. Buy flowers for mum and help them understand.
2. Have a space hopper race.
3. Swim with dolphins.
4. Hold a charity night.
5. Get drunk & sing loud and out of tune on karaoke.
6. Ride the biggest, fastest, highest rollercoaster
7. Go to the highest point in the city at night to see the lights
8. Sleep under the stars
9. Crowd surf
10. Meet favourite band
11. Sky-dive
12. Plant a tree
13. Go to Italy
14. Jump from a cliff into water

Fourteen down, eleven to go.

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This empty conversation
Is gonna fade us into dawn
I won't be here tomorrow
So why act like I'm already gone?

Richard Fleeshman- No Man's Land

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