Even Forever Doesn't Seem Like Long Enough

Brendon slept on the sofa that night.

...And for the rest of the holiday for that matter.

I'd offered for us to alternate but he'd disagreed and that was the end of it.

It was awkward and I hated it.

In the last four days of our time in Italy, we were like strangers and I could feel it tearing my heart with every hesitant smile we exchanged. Every time we were close to one another, we'd go through five stages- we'd stop to gaze at each other, our breathing and heart rates would increase slightly, we'd get a little closer, we'd look at each other's lips with ultimate longing and then we'd realise it was a bad idea causing us to walk away.

We both wanted it, wanted each other, but after he agreed that everything was changed between us we couldn't do it.

We both knew it was over.

So, after a painfully silent plane journey and a car ride equally bad, Brendon pulled up outside my house.

I undid my seatbelt and he turned off the engine, undoing his own.

He finally broke the silence, "I'll grab your case," He announced with a smile. It wasn't his normal mind-blowing smile though; it was barely a twitch of the lips.

"It's fine, I'll get it myself," I shook my head.

"Honestly, I insist," He urged, getting out of the car.

I copied his action and followed him to the back of the car, "It's a roll along suitcase Brendon, I'm pretty sure I can handle it,"

"Can't I be a gentleman?" He raised his eyebrow at me.

"Not when it's unnecessary," I replied as he opened the back, "And not when it's taking everything for me to hold back," I breathed.

"It's hard for me too, Ambs, but-"

"Yeah, yeah, I know," I interrupted him, "It's not the right thing to do," I finished for him.

He nodded and let out a sigh. My heart was breaking from that wounded look on his face.

I was sick of seeing him so solemn all the time.

Simultaneously, we both reached in to get the case. Unfortunately, our heads weren't exactly at the best angle.

We collided and shot up into a standing position, cursing.

A further string of curse words flowed from Brendon's mouth because, due to his added height, his head had smacked right into the metal of the boot door.

I groaned in pain from the pulsing in my head as I held it and looked over at Brendon, who was holding both wounds with both hands and his eyes closed in a wince.

He opened his eyes and they landed on me. Then, together, we burst into hysterics.

"My God, we're a pair aren't we?" I chuckled, rubbing my head, glad to finally see a smile on his beautiful face.

"We sure are," He agreed with a laugh, "Are you okay?"

I nodded, biting my lip slightly, "I'm fine, you've got more damage, are you alright?"

He shrugged, "I've been better,"

The solemn look returned.

I grabbed my suitcase from the back and closed the door, placing the bag on the floor, "Thank you," I whispered, "For everything,"

That twitch of a smile appeared again, "You're welcome,"

Nodding at nothing, I stared into those brown eyes, which were duller than usual, and sighed.

With nothing to lose, I threw myself at him, tightly wrapping my arms around him and holding him as close as possible. But he wasn't taken aback because he felt everything I was feeling and he held me just as close, just as tight and just as lovingly. I turned my head so that it was lying on his shoulder and, feeling the back of his head brushing mine, I knew he'd done the same. We were trying to take in every little bit of each other, every single part of that connection we shared we were trying to absorb because we knew that, as soon as we let go, we'd lose it.

"I wish things were different," I admitted.

"Me too," He replied, "I'm sorry,"

I pulled back from him, keeping my arms fixed around his neck, "Don't be, it's not your fault," I slowly traced my fingers over his cheek.

"It is," He frowned.

I ran my thumb very gently over his forehead, "Don't frown, baby, I don't like it when you frown," His expression softened, "I want you to promise me you'll smile more; no frowning. Take this and every time you look at it I want you to smile," I took off a leather band bracelet from my wrist and wrapped it around his, "Do you promise?"

He nodded shortly, "I promise,"

"Good," I smiled slightly and pressed my lips to his cheek, "Goodbye Brendon,"

Like normal, our hands stayed clasped until we were out of reach as I rolled my suitcase behind me while I headed for the front door.

As soon as it was closed behind me, I broke down in tears and slid to the floor in a hysterical mess.

My heart had been left in the passenger seat of his car; he'd taken it whether he wanted it or not.

Wanting someone more than anything, more than you actually want to want them, but knowing you can't have each other is one of the worst, most gut-wrenching feelings anyone can ever experience.

Especially when the reason you can't have them is you.

A Week Later

I'd been less than motivated to continue with my list in the last week. I'd barely even spoken to anyone or come out of the depths of my room either.

I felt so stupid because I'd always said I'd never get so worked up over a boy. But this wasn't just any boy.

It was Brendon Urie.

And Brendon Urie was different. He wasn't like other boys.

Brendon and I had something special.

After a week had passed, I'd decided I couldn't waste any more time sulking or wallowing in self-pity. I was going to do number fifteen on my list.

Being back to normal again meant that Hannah and Ruby were joining me on this little adventure and both of them were itching to know what the holiday was like because I hadn't talked to them properly since I got back from Italy.

"So..." Hannah began trying to entice me to talk as we neared our destination.

I glanced over at her, "'So' what?"

"Don't be silly Amber, you know what that 'so' was for," Ruby spoke from the driver's seat, her gaze fixated on the road ahead.

"Don't think I do," I stated, staring blankly out of the window trying my very, very best to shake the image of Brendon out of my head but it just wouldn't budge.

I knew for a fact that it wouldn't go any time soon because my heart wouldn't let it fade. It wanted to keep that image until it stopped beating because it loved that fluttering feeling it got when I saw him.

"What happened on your holiday? You haven't been right since you got back. What's gone on Ambs?" Hannah looked over at me with a worried expression.

I sighed, tearing my gaze away from the outside to meet Hannah's eyes, "I told Brendon,"

Hannah's jaw fell open and she unbuckled her seatbelt, awkwardly climbing through the two front seats to reach me in the back. She almost knocked Ruby's arm that caused us to swerve slightly.

"Jesus Christ Hannah, are you trying to kill us?!" Ruby yelled.

"Oh, hush," Hannah rolled her eyes.

"Don't hush me!" She growled back, "And would you get your arse out of my face?!"

This made me giggle genuinely since the last time I saw Brendon.

"Oh shut up and keep your eyes on the road!" Hannah ordered, falling into the back seat, almost squashing her face into the padding. After she'd settled herself she turned to me expectantly, "So what happened?"

"He was fine with it," I shrugged, "For a while..." I added, biting down on the inside of my lip.

She frowned, "What did he say?"

"Well, at first he was okay, it only bothered him that I didn't tell him sooner and I thought he was going to run away. But I started to notice little things had changed- like, he wasn't speaking as casually. He was being careful about what he was saying. Then he was being very protective of me, at first when I was going to jump off the cliff into the sea, then with little things like knives and scissors. When I stubbed my toe on the bath he almost called an ambulance," I explained, "Everything changed Han. Neither of us wanted it to but it was inevitable,"

"Oh, Amber," She wrapped her arms around me, "I'm so sorry,"

I rested my cheek on her shoulder and hugged her back, "Yeah... Me too,"

An Hour Later

"I can't believe you're scared," Hannah teased Ruby, "You jumped out of a plane for God's sake!"

"Jumping out of a plane is completely different- You don't have a parachute here!" Ruby argued back.

"What are the chances of anything happened though, Rubes? Think about it!" Hannah laughed mockingly.

"It's floating wicker propelled by fire! Put two and two together!" Ruby exclaimed, flailing her arms about wildly, almost slapping the guy that was controlling the hot air balloon we were currently a few hundred feet high in.

I chuckled slightly at their petty arguments before my thoughts swiftly trailed back to- guess who? Brendon.

God, the man just wouldn't leave my brain for more than five seconds.

Sticking my hand into my pocket, I pulled out my phone and slowly began texting. The message I ended up with was-

'I miss you'

No points for guessing who I was thinking of sending it to.

I hovered over the send button, thinking and staring.

Thinking and staring.

Hearing Ruby get increasingly angrier at Hannah's teasing, I tried harder to block them out.

"Girls, please calm down!" The guy in control of the balloon pleaded, "Someone could really get hurt,"

"Yeah Ruby! Stop pissing about!"

"Me?! It's you that's pissing not me!"

"I am not wetting myself!"

Suddenly, I felt my arm jerk forward from a sharp collision from behind me.

In a failed attempt to keep hold of my phone, I grabbed it tighter and pressed a button in the process.

I think I hit the send button before my phone slipped and plummeted out of the balloon.

Gasping, I watched my phone freefall for a brief second before I turned around to the two bickering girls.

They both protested innocence, pointing at each other for emphasis.

I glanced to the other guy, hoping he'd help me out. He nudged his head very conspicuously towards Hannah.

"Hannah!" I growled.

"Me?!" She pretended to be offended.

"Yes you! You're lucky we're over water right now- You could've killed someone! Think of the fish!"

"It was an accident!"

"Well you shouldn't have been messing about in the first place and it wouldn't have happened!"

"It was Ruby's fault, she knocked me!"

"I did not!" Ruby held her hand to her chest, gasping at the very thought of being accused.

"Don't lie!"

"I didn't!"

"Oh my God! I don't care whose fault it was- I just know what you knocked me and now my phone has been drowned in some lake! You owe me a new phone!" I pointed at Hannah and she folded her arms in a huff.

"Fine! I'll buy you a new phone," She sighed, "I don't know what you're whinging about anyway; your phone was old and crap,"

I glared at her, "Maybe, but it was still the only phone I had!"

She rolled her eyes, "I'll get you a better one,"

I shook my head, "There's no point; I'll only get four months use out of it anyway. I'll just get a cheap crap one for now,"

She was confused for a second before she realised what I meant. She must have forgotten.

I only had four months left.

Three Hours Later

Eventually, we'd landed and, after thanking the man (and apologising for Hannah and Ruby's shenanigan), we'd gone for something to eat before heading home.

Ruby had dropped Hannah off and soon enough, we were outside ours, undoing our seatbelts.

"So there's only four months left?" Ruby seemed like she had to force herself to say it.

I nodded glumly, "Yeah, four short months,"

"I'm going to miss you so much," She breathed shakily.

"Promise me you'll look after mum for me," I laid a hand on her shoulder.

She glanced over at me, her eyes glazed over with tears and sniffling slightly, "We shouldn't have this talk now, Ambs, it's too early,"

I sighed and nodded, giving her a small hug, "We'll have to talk about it at some point though sis,"

"Yeah, just... Not now, okay?"

Smiling sadly, I pulled back and wiped one of her stray tears away that had fallen, "Okay," I whispered, "Come on, let's go inside,"

We got out of the car and made our way inside.

"Hey mum, we're home!" I yelled, undoing my jacket and hanging it up, "Hannah knocked me and I dropped my phone out of the hot air balloon so I need a new one," I wandered into the front room and frowned realising she wasn't there.

"She's in the kitchen Amber," Ruby smiled.

I made my way into the kitchen and Ruby followed me.

"Amber, honey," My mum began as I walked in, "You have a visitor,"

I glanced over where she gestured to and did a double-take, "Oh my-" I trailed off.

"Hey Ambs," He smiled unsurely.

Staring, I breathed, "Brendon?"

To Do List1. Buy flowers for mum and help them understand.
2. Have a space hopper race.
3. Swim with dolphins.
4. Hold a charity night.
5. Get drunk & sing loud and out of tune on karaoke.
6. Ride the biggest, fastest, highest rollercoaster
7. Go to the highest point in the city at night to see the lights
8. Sleep under the stars
9. Crowd surf
10. Meet favourite band
11. Sky-dive
12. Plant a tree
13. Go to Italy
14. Jump from a cliff into water
15. Ride in a hot air balloon

Fifteen down, ten to go.

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Dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning down
Dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the room could be burning now there's nothing but dark blue

If you've ever been alone in the dark blue
If you've ever been alone you'll know

Jack's Mannequin- Dark Blue

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