Even Forever Doesn't Seem Like Long Enough

After my heart had regained its composure, following it stoppage for a few beats, my breathing became almost erratic.

"Mum, I think it's time we went shopping," Ruby broke the silence and grabbed the keys from where I'd thrown them on the side.

"But I went this morning," My mum didn't quite grasp the concept that I needed the house to myself for a while.

"Well, we'll go again," Ruby replied in a more urgent tone, "I'm sure you must have forgotten something,"

I glanced over at mum and she automatically knew what Ruby was getting at.

"Oh, okay then, maybe we could go to the furniture store, we're in dire need of a new lamp," My mum jabbered causing Ruby to groan exasperatedly.

Ruby ushered her towards the kitchen door and turned to glare at me, "You owe me! Bloody lamp shopping!"She hissed.

I couldn't help but laugh at her.

She then pointed at Brendon as if she was going to say something but, after failing to come up with any words, she just jerked her index finger at him once more. Then she just wandered out.

Strangely, Brendon seemed to be able to interpret her pointing language.

Hearing the door shut behind my mum and sister, I locked eye contact with those bright brown eyes that I'd really missed in the past week.

"Ruby doesn't seem too happy about going lamp shopping," Brendon mused, a small smile playing on his lips.

"Nah, not really but I'm not surprised," I responded, "She's been trying to get out of it for weeks. It wouldn't shock me if my mum came back with a lampshade surgically attached to her head. She'll end up lighting up the room whenever she has an idea,"

The image must've been hilarious because Brendon burst into laughter.

Seeing him smile like that again made me chuckle slightly. My smile was untameable.

After a while, his laughter died into small chuckles and he looked up at me, the remains of a smile on his face. A few seconds later, he used his foot to gently push out a chair to the left of him to gesture for me to take a seat.

Sighing slightly, I ran a hand through my hair and shuffled over to the chair before falling into it. I rested my elbows on the table and leaned my head on my hand.

"What're you doing here?" I asked quietly.

"I got your text today and I text you back but you didn't reply. I tried calling but it went straight to voicemail so I thought I'd come over," He whispered, trying to make eye contact, "But I guess it was because your phone got thrown out of a hot air balloon,"

"How'd you know about that?" I frowned.

"You announced it when you came in," He replied, straightening his arms on the table.

Nodding slightly, I stayed silent and so did he. It wasn't so much an awkward silence; it was just a silence that needed to be broken.

"I thought that we decided this wasn't a good idea," I breathed unsteadily as he slowly drifted his hand over mine. I slowly and reluctantly pulled it back, phasing out the tingles that occurred when our skin brushed together. But, like a while back when we were in the car, he caught my fingertips and pulled my hand back, his grip firmer.

He ignored my statement and began playing about with my fingers and I could almost feel my insides melting, "Brendon, don't do this to me," I pleaded. Ignoring me again, he slowly reached up with his free hand and brushed his fingertips over my cheek.

"I said quit it!" Getting frustrated, I snatched my hand out of his grip and strongly pushed his hand away before standing up and moving away from him. I leaned on the kitchen counter and rubbed my hands over my face, "You can't do this to me. You can't agree to keep the distance and then come over here like nothing's changed between us!" I exclaimed, feeling my eyes well up.

"Nothing has changed between us Amber,"

"Don't lie to me, I know that things have changed and so do you. Just tell me why you're here,"

"That's the reason I'm here. I'm here to tell you that I thought everything had changed but I was wrong,"

"You weren't wrong Brendon," I shook my head and looked up at him through parted fingers.

"I was Ambs, trust me. When I got your text today, I still felt everything I usually do when I see you,"

"Well feelings like that don't just fade away in a week but that doesn't mean things are the same,"

"What else matters? As long as the feelings haven't changed then what else is there?"

"It's just the little things,"

"Little things shouldn't matter," He waved his hand dismissively.

"They matter to me," I muttered meekly, "I don't want you to treat me like a hopeless invalid. I've been getting weaker for years now and yet, three weeks ago, I jumped out of a plane! I'm not hopeless, well at least not yet, for now I can look after myself,"

"I know, I know you can," He assured, getting up from the table quickly, striding over to me and placing his arms either side of me to trap me, "It was just such a shock. I've never been through this before so I didn't know how to react. I was just worried about you getting hurt,"

"I know, everyone reacted in the same way but it's... It's just different with you,"

"Different how?"

"The way you look at me has changed," My head dropped but he placed his fingers beneath my chin and forced eye contact.

"How has it changed?" He took a step closer to me, curling his arms slightly so they circled, but didn't touch, me as they rested on the counter behind me.

I resisted the urge to put my hands on his arms and chose to fold my own across my chest instead as I thought about his question.

"Before you knew, you looked at me as if you saw a strong, independent, impulsive person that you kind of... I don't know... Like, you admired me in a way for the way I was," I shifted uncomfortably, not quite sure whether that was the best way to say it.

"And now?" He enticed.

"Now you look at me as if I'm fragile, breakable and to be wrapped up in cotton wool. You look at me like I'm weak," His eyes widened somewhat, "I hate feeling weak. And I especially hate being weak in someone else's eyes... In your eyes, it's even worse," I let out a deep breath, "I may be physically weak, but I don't deserve to be weak in anyone's eyes if I don't feel it," My head fell and I shook it before looking up to make eye contact, assuring him that I was strong.

But my body let me down because as soon as his eyes hit mine, my knees almost caved in from under me.

"Amber," He began firmly, placing his hands on my shoulders, "You're far from weak and I would never ever," He shook me gently, "See you as weak. If anything I think that you're the strongest person I've ever met,"

"Really?"

"Really," He nodded, "The strength you must have to be handling this like you are. The guts it must take to know that you're life's going to be short and to just accept it. That's the most courageous thing that I've ever known anyone to do," This time he placed his hands on my hips, "So if you think that the way I look at you has changed then you're the one that's wrong because, whenever I look at you, I still see that strong, independent, impulsive girl I saw before. Only this time, she's even stronger, she's more admirable and she's even more beautiful than before because the battle she's facing now is a lot harder than the one she faced when I first met her,"

My eyes had welled up with tears and I finally gave in, reaching up and touching his cheek with my fingertips. Electricity. Just like usual.

"You know," I whispered, "I can't face this battle alone,"

He came closer, pressing our bodies together and wrapping his arms around me tightly, "Who said you had to?"

Then he pressed his lips to mine and everything was alright again.

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We cuddled together on the bed, my head lying on the lower part Brendon's bare chest. My hand gently caressing the skin of his stomach as his fingers trailed gently up and down my arm sending delightful shivers over me.

"You have absolutely no idea how much I missed you," Brendon mumbled, wrapping his free arm around me.

I pressed a kiss to his chest and settled back down again, "I think you may have just showed me," I giggled. My head moved up and down as he chuckled slightly.

We fell silent and my eyes began to droop due to the very steady movement of his chest as he breathed.

"I'll try to be better Amber, I promise," He spoke up a few seconds later causing my eyes to open again.

As I took in what he said I frowned. Shifting myself so my arms were on his stomach and I was lying on my front, I replied, "What?"

"I'll try to be better," He repeated, his fingers now tracing patterns on my back rather than my arm.

"I don't understand what you mean by 'better',"

"I'll try not to be so protective of you and I won't try to call an ambulance if you stub your toe,"

I smiled slightly, "Don't worry about that- The protective phase will pass. You can worry all you like," I shrugged, "But I agree with the idea not to have an ambulance on standby,"

"I'm sorry," He breathed.

"Stop apologising, you've done nothing wrong,"

"I overreacted," He elaborated. I moved up towards him so we were face to face.

"You say that like you're the first person ever to overreact," I gazed into his eyes, "If anything, you should be getting me to apologise for keeping you in the dark all this time,"

He frowned and shook his head.

"Hey," I ran my thumb gently over his forehead, "You promised," Hooking my fingers in the bracelet, I pulled up his arm into view, "No frowning, more smiling," I shot him a toothy grin.

He tried not to smile but he couldn't help it.

"I love your smile," I bit down on the inside of my lip and reached up to cup his cheek in my hand, slowly trailing my thumb over his lip.

He kissed my thumb before pressing his lips to mine instead. Pulling me closer to him, he deepened the kiss and shifted so that he was on top of me. I curled my arms around his neck and pulled him close as he touched our tongues together. I inhaled sharply as his hand trailed up my outer thigh, flattened against my stomach and continued to slide higher.

"Again?" I mumbled against his lips, raising my eyebrow.

He took his lips off mine to smile suggestively, "We might as well make the most of an empty house," He shrugged before lowered his lips to mine again.

I smirked and sighed blissfully as he trailed kisses down my neck.

Before we could go any further, there was a knock on the door and it opened before we could even have a chance to move.

"Oh my God! I'm sorry!" Ruby squealed, slamming the door behind her.

I blushed bright red and laughed, staring up at Brendon, "I guess they thought they should be quiet when they came in,"

He sighed and rolled his eyes before kissing my lips and rolling off me. We redressed ourselves and headed downstairs.

"I'm going to take off," Brendon announced as we got to the bottom of the stairs, "I'm in work in a bit,"

I smiled at him, "Okay, have a good time at work,"

"I'll try," He gave me a strong hug and a kiss before he headed for the door.

"Hey, Brendon?" I called.

He looked over his shoulder, "Yeah?"

"Come somewhere with me tomorrow?"

He nodded, "Sure, I'll call you later,"

"Great, I'll speak to you later then,"

He beamed at me and then wandered out of the door leaving me to sigh blissfully to myself.

"I guess from that disgusting display I just walked in on that everything's sorted?" Ruby leaned against the doorframe as I looked back at her, my smile uncontrollable.

"Yeah. Everything's sorted,"

The Next Day
7pm

"So, what brings us to the beach on this fine evening?" Brendon questioned, swinging our linked fingers between us as we wandered along the shore.

"I have something to show you," I replied.

"What?" He looked over at me curiously.

I stuffed my hand into my pocket and handed him a piece of folded up paper.

He carefully took it from me with his free hand and opened it up, "What is it?" He questioned as I watched his eyes scan over the writing.

"It's my list," I answered, turning my head out to look at the crescent moon reflecting on the ocean.

"Your list of what?"

"What does it look like?" I chuckled light heartedly.

"It looks like a to-do list,"

"Spot on," I turned back to him, "It's my list of things to do before I die,"

He tensed up a bit, "Right..." He trailed off.

"Oh, yeah, I haven't told you how long I have left,"

"God, I don't want to know," He sighed.

"You really don't want to know?"

He looked over at me, his eyes dropping an inch and a half to see mine, "Tell me," He decided all of a sudden.

"Are you sure?"

He nodded, "Yeah, go on,"

"Four months,"

He scratched his nose with the index finger from the hand he was holding my list with causing the paper to flop about with the wind, "That's not long,"

"I had a year when I was diagnosed. I met you when I had nine months," For some reason I felt like he should know that.

"That's like... Sixteen weeks,"

"Please don't depress me," I chuckled humourlessly, "It's bad enough knowing that it's coming. I still have ten things left to do on my list and such a short time,"

"So all the stuff that you've been doing is from this list?" He was staring at the piece of paper.

"Yeah, and I want to ask you something," I added, "That's why I'm showing you it,"

"Fire away," He looked over at me.

"I was wondering whether you'd be willing to come with me when I do the rest of the things on the list,"

He looked over the words on the list that weren't crossed out, "I'd be willing to if you really wanted me to come,"

I stopped walking and he turned to face me, "You don't have to if you don't want to but I really would love you to do this with me. It'd make it a lot more fun than doing it alone,"

He beamed at me and kissed my forehead, "Then I'll come with you,"

"Thank you," I whispered.

"So, why are we here at the beach?"

"For number sixteen," I watched as his eyes scanned the list before I dug into my bag.

"Oh... Now it makes sense,"

"Care to do the honours?" I handed him the bottle and he eyed it carefully.

"What does the message say?" He asked, staring through the glass as if he'd be able to read it.

"It's a secret. You'll find out someday,"

He frowned in confusion, "Huh?"

"Just throw it in," I rolled my eyes.

He shrugged it off and grabbed the bottle by the neck, stepping back to take a run up, before he pulled back his arm and launched the bottle far out into the ocean.

"How exactly am I going to find out what it said 'someday'?" He mocked me and I playfully slapped his stomach.

"Don't mock me!" I gasped.

"I will if I want to," He challenged, smirking at me.

"Fine then, I'll just mock you back," I quirked an eyebrow, "Ooh look at me, I'm Brendon and I giggle like a school girl,"

His mouth dropped open, "I do not giggle like a school girl!"

I snorted, "Sure you don't," I began to wander ahead.

"Oh you are so going down," He threatened, running up behind me and grabbing me by the waist. I squealed very high-pitched as he tackled me to the sand and straddled my waist, preventing me from getting up.

He began tickling my sides and I squirmed beneath him, laughing hysterically.

"Stop it! Oh my God, I'm going to explode!" I squeaked, my words barely recognisable through the hysterics.

"Take it back," He demanded.

"God no!" I laughed.

"Fine," He stopped tickling my sides and reached backwards, pulling off my shoe and my sock, "Take it back or you'll get the foot treatment,"

"Does that come with a massage?" I smiled innocently.

He shook his head and then tickled my foot. My feet were the worst place to tickle.

"Oh Christ! Brendon, please stop it! My belly's hurting!" I yelled, wriggling beneath him.

"Take it back then and I'll stop it!" He raised his eyebrows.

"Okay, okay, fine! I take it back; you don't giggle like a little girl!" I surrendered.

His hand stopped moving on my foot and he beamed at me, "I win,"

"You cheated," I shoved him off me onto the soft sand on my right and sat up, wiping my eyes from the tears of laughter, "You play dirty," I shot him a glare and reached for my sock and shoe.

"You're just a sore loser," He snorted.

Just as I was pulling up my sock, his hand shot out and grabbed my ankle almost giving me a heart attack.

Just like when he found the first one, his thumb trailed over the word 'laugh' that was etched under my skin with ink. I quivered slightly.

"One more to find," I whispered.

"Live. Laugh," He put the two words together.

"Bet you don't know what the next one is," I joked.

He looked up into my eyes and smiled. Then I saw a flash of something different in his eyes- good different though.

In complete seriousness, he responded, "I think I do,"

To Do List1. Buy flowers for mum and help them understand.
2. Have a space hopper race.
3. Swim with dolphins.
4. Hold a charity night.
5. Get drunk & sing loud and out of tune on karaoke.
6. Ride the biggest, fastest, highest rollercoaster
7. Go to the highest point in the city at night to see the lights
8. Sleep under the stars
9. Crowd surf
10. Meet favourite band
11. Sky-dive
12. Plant a tree
13. Go to Italy
14. Jump from a cliff into water
15. Ride in a hot air balloon
16. Put a message in a bottle

Sixteen down, nine to go.

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We're loving each day as if it's the last
Dancing all night and having a blast
And baby I want you right here next to me
We're loving each day as if it's our last
Dancing all night and having a laugh
Please baby I need you here

Ronan Keating- Lovin' Each Day

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