Even Forever Doesn't Seem Like Long Enough

Brendon’s P.O.V

Have you ever had one of those moments in your life where, for a second, you feel like your heart has actually stopped beating?

That moment for me was when Amber collapsed.

The image of her lying there with a puddle of blood next to her will stick in my mind and haunt me forever.

I hadn’t slept for two days straight and I wasn’t intending to until Amber woke up in that hospital bed and smiled her infamous smile at me.

The hospital wouldn’t let us stay with her unless we were family so Hannah and I had to leave when visiting time was over.

But I was a permanent fixture at her bedside right through from the first to the last second we were allowed in.

It was four a.m. and I stumbled tiredly from the bedroom of the hotel room into the kitchen-dining area.

Hannah was sitting at the table staring into space blankly.

Her eyes snapped to me when I entered the room and she tried to smile but she couldn’t bring herself to do it, “I thought you were sleeping,” She stated in a monotonous whisper.

I fell into the seat across from her and shrugged, “I haven’t slept for two days, I’m not about to start now. Why aren’t you sleeping?”

She ran a hand through her hair, “The same reason as you,”

“Do you want a cup of coffee or tea?” I offered.

“Coffee would be great,” She nodded, “Thanks,”

I got up from the table and walked the short distance to the kettle.

“I should’ve said I was her sister,” Hannah spoke with regret in her tone.

“What?” I glanced over my shoulder at her with a frown.

“I should’ve said I was her sister and they would’ve let me stay instead of sitting here worrying my ass off,” She elaborated, bringing her hand to her mouth and biting her nails.

“Han, they just about let Ruby stay- They wouldn’t have been able to put us all up anyway,” I rationalised.

“Well, they should let you bring your own fucking quilt and sleep on the damn floor!” She yelled.

I winced slightly and quickly made our drinks, placing it in front of her when it was ready. I studied her as she rubbed her hands over her face and then reached for her cup.

Her hands were shaking uncontrollably.

She was bottling up every bit of emotion she felt. She was purposely stopping herself from crying.

Before she reached the cup, I shot out my own hands and took hers.

“Amber would kill you if she knew you were bottling up your feelings like this, you know that?”

Her eyes slowly trailed up from our hands to my eyes, “I know. And she’d kill you for not sleeping for two days straight,”

“Yeah, then she’d probably take us to go ice-skating on top of the biggest ice-sculpture in the world regardless of us being tired, emotional and beaten to death,” I joked.

For the first time in two days, Hannah laughed, “It wouldn’t surprise me actually. She was crazy,”

The smile fell from my face and my grip on her hands loosened slightly.

“What’s wrong?” Her frown returned.

“You said ‘was’- ‘She was crazy’. Amber’s still here Hannah, she’s not going anywhere,” My tone was questionable to the statement I’d said.

Trying to reassure yourself and someone else didn’t work so well when your voice was shaky and unsure.

Hannah’s eyes fell to the table, “I feel like she’s already gone,” Her voice cracked and she pulled her hands from mine to cover her face in an attempt to force back her tears.

Automatically, I got up and went around to her side of the table, sitting beside her and wrapping an arm around her shoulder.

“You shouldn’t hold back your tears you know,”

“I have to; I’m stronger than this,” Everything about her, her body, her voice, even her personality- the person who she was, was shaking and unsteady.

“Han, your best friend is in hospital with a terminal illness,” A small whimper escaped her lips as I spoke, “Nobody is expecting you to be strong,”

Her barriers broke and floods of tears streamed down her face as she wrapped her arms around me in desperate need of comfort, “I’m scared Brendon,” She sobbed, hiding her face in my chest.

“I know,” I whispered, tightening my grip around her as one of my own tears fell, “So am I,”

1.30pm

The millisecond visiting time began at half one, Hannah and I bounded through the hospital doors and headed straight to the ward Amber was in. I zipped up my hoodie that I’d also taken with me to Paris. I didn’t really unpack- Only to wash stuff- but this hoodie still had a slight smell of Amber’s perfume on it.

When we got to the bed my heart fell into my stomach and Hannah gasped, her hand shooting out and clutching my arm as if her life depended on it.

The bed was made and Amber’s section of the ward was completely empty and immaculate.

“Oh my God, Brendon where is she?” Hannah fretted.

I placed my hand over the one of Hannah’s that was gripping my arm, “I don’t know sweetie, I’ll ask someone,” I put out my arm to stop a passing nurse, “Excuse me- Um... There was a girl,” I pointed to the empty bed, “Amber King, she- she’s not here, do you know where she is?” I wasn’t very articulate when I was panicking.

“I don’t sir, but I can find out for you, just give me a minute,” She smiled reassuringly.

“Thank you,” I nodded and she wandered off.

“What if she’s gone?” Hannah’s grip tightened.

I pried her fingers from my arm and ran a hand over her hair caringly before rubbing her arm slightly, “Don’t even think about that, okay? She’s fine,”

“You don’t know that,” Her eyes were filling up again.

“I do, I know she’s fine because if something had happened to her then Pauline or Ruby would’ve called,”

She sighed slightly, “I guess you’re right,”

“Sir?” The nurse tapped my shoulder and Hannah and I turned to look at her, “Miss. King has been moved to a private room because she’s contagious. I’ll take you to her room now,”

“She’s contagious?” Hannah frowned in confusion.

“Yes. I can’t tell you anything because I don’t know what’s wrong without her chart but I’m sure the doctor will tell you everything you need to know when he comes to see her,” The nurse smiled as she led us through hallways.

“Oh right, thanks,” I said as we all went into an elevator.

“Are you family?” She asked.

“I’m her boyfriend, Hannah’s her best friend,” I answered tonelessly.

“Oh, right,” She smiled warmly as the elevator reached the floor she was taking us to, “Okay, if you go right at the end of this corridor, take the second left and then the door on the right, ask at the desk for her. If you just follow the directions for the Intensive Care Unit on the signs, you’ll get there fine,”

“Thanks,” Hannah and I chorused as we watched her go back into the lift.

“She’s in the ICU, Brendon, she’s bad,” Hannah flustered.

I didn’t reply. There was nothing I could say.

It took us about five minutes to find Amber’s room. Ruby and Pauline were sitting outside it, Pauline drumming her fingers and Ruby bouncing her leg impatiently.

“Why are you outside?” Hannah asked abruptly, walking past Pauline and Ruby to look through the window in the door of Amber’s room.

“The doctor wants space to check her over,” Ruby replied.

“Why didn’t you call and tell us she’d been moved to the ICU?” I frowned.

“She was only moved about an hour ago and she’s only just got stable, we were going to call after the doctor had told us what’s going on,” Ruby cast a glance up at me.

“The doctor’s coming out,” Hannah announced, wandering over and standing by me.

The door to Amber’s room opened and an older man in a white coat stepped into the hallway.

“Doctor,” Pauline shot up from her seat, no longer staying silent, “What’s going on?”

“She’s still unconscious but we’ve taken her off the sedatives so she may drift in and out of consciousness for a while. We’ve put her on an IV because she can’t eat and we’ve put her on a non-invasive breathing machine to help her along,” He updated us as he wrote down something on a chart and flipped over a piece of paper.

“What exactly is wrong with her? Why have you moved her down here? The nurse in the ward she was in earlier said she was contagious,” Hannah asked.

“Oh, sorry, I thought you knew, I told Mrs. King and Ruby a while ago,” He seemed taken aback for a second, “Well, Amber has caught Opportunistic Pneumonia. Because of her leukaemia, her immune system is obviously weakened and, because she didn’t receive any treatment, bacteria have invaded and her lungs are slowly filling up with fluid- blood mostly. That’s why she kept coughing up blood. It’s also the reason for the bruises and no doubt aching joints she’s been suffering from. It also causes chest pain, headaches, breathing difficulties- which is why she’s on the breathing machine- blue tinted skin- that’s visible under her nails- and low oxygen saturation which has caused her dizzy and fainting spells because not enough oxygen has been getting to her brain,”

“So what can you do?” I frowned, trying to process all that information.

“Honestly?” He sighed dejectedly, “There’s not much we can do. Her body isn’t responding to the antibiotics we’ve been giving her because her immune system is so bad- her white blood cells are pretty much fighting a losing battle that even drugs can’t help her win. The bacteria have been in her for a number of weeks and because she never admitted herself to hospital earlier, it’s too advanced for us to do anything that’ll help her. You can go in and visit her because healthy immune systems aren’t affected by the virus she has. We moved her down here because most of the patients in the ward she was in don’t have healthy immune systems, so she was quite contagious. But ultimately, we can only give her painkillers. I’m sorry,”

That apology caused my heart to tear slightly because I knew what he meant by it.

Hannah and Ruby both made a slight gasp and Pauline let out a sob.

“How long does she have?” I asked calmly.

“A day or two- Three at the most. When she was first diagnosed with cancer, she told the doctors that if she was in hospital when her heart stopped, she didn’t want any attempt to be made to bring her back if she was going to be in the same state afterwards. She was adamant her wishes were respected so it’s only a matter of time,” He spoke sadly, but he did this for a living so he could bottle up what little sympathy he had for us, “I’m really, very sorry,”

“Thank you,” I shook his hand before he wandered off.

This was it. This truly was it.

Amber wasn’t coming back from this.

An Hour Later

Hannah and I were sitting outside Amber’s room on the plastic chairs. I felt like I was at a parent-teacher meeting.

Ruby and Pauline were in talking to her because she’d woken up about twenty minutes ago and was able to talk a few minutes later. Hannah couldn’t stay in there- the sight of her very frail looking best friend with tubes sticking out of every possible place was too much for her.

I shoved my hands into the pockets of my hoodie and sighed loudly, letting my head drop back onto the wall behind me.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do without her,” Hannah said meekly, “I’m not going to be able to find another best friend like her- There’s no-one in the world like her,”

I nodded in agreement, “I know. She’s completely changed my outlook on everything,” I added, frowning when I felt something rub against my fingers that I didn’t recognise as material. I caught the unidentified object between my fingers and pulled it out of my pocket.

“What’s that?” Hannah asked with intrigue.

I shrugged and unravelled the scrunched up strip of paper. It was Amber’s handwriting.

’26. Brendon falls in love with me’

That small tear the doctor had made to my heart was widened as I read those words.

“Is that Amber’s writing?” Hannah leaned over slightly to get a better look at it.

I nodded briefly, “Apparently there’s another thing on her list,”

Hannah read the words and then locked her eyes with mine determinedly, “Can she cross that one off too?”

I ran my thumb over the writing and took a breath to reply but I was stopped.

“Brendon,” Ruby was standing outside the door, looking at me with a sad smile, “She wants to speak to you,”

Pulling myself up from the seat, I walked over to Ruby and she held the door open for me before urging Pauline to leave the room for a minute.

Pauline eventually complied and I sat down on the chair beside Amber’s bed as Pauline closed the door behind her.

I slid the chair up so it was as close to the bed as possible and then took Amber’s hand in mine. Seeing her like this was so wrong- She was lethargic, fragile and weak. I could tell that she hated it. It was the reason she didn’t want her heart restarted if she was going to be the same after it.

“Hey,” She whispered, her throat sounded hoarse and sore.

“Hey,” I smiled back, “How’re you feeling?”

“I’ve been better,” She joked in a murmur.

“Ruby said you wanted to speak to me,”

She nodded carefully, “I need you to do something for me,”

“Anything,” I responded in a reflex.

“When you go back to the hotel, in my green jacket on the bed,” She paused to take a struggling breath, “In the pocket, my list is there,”

I nodded, “Okay, do you want me to bring it for you later?”

She shook her head, “No there’re three things left on it that I haven’t done- I’d like you to do them for me,”

My heart sank deep into my gut.

She’d lost her fight- She’d given up.

“Ambs, you can do them yourself when you get out of here,” I reassured her.

“Come on Brendon,” She sighed, “You know I’m not coming out this time as well as I do. Don’t put false hopes in your head honey; just accept it,” She reached out and traced a cold finger down my cheek.

My eyes closed and my head dropped, “I can’t,” I whispered.

Her finger came under my chin and pulled my head up to face her, “I need you to do this for me Brendon. My last wish was to finish my list and I can’t do this myself so I need you to do it for me. Please? I can’t do it without you,”

“I don’t want to do it without you,” My defences were weakening and my eyes were filling up with tears.

“I need you to; I can’t go happy without knowing my list will be done,”

“Then I won’t do it and you won’t go,” My grip on her hand tightened and she chuckled slightly but she coughed; her lungs unable to take it.

“I’m going whether it gets done or not, but I won’t be happy unless I know it’s in safe hands. Don’t you want me to be happy?”

I gazed into her emerald eyes that were a lot duller than usual, “Of course I do but...” Her watering eyes made my stomach knot and I paused, “Okay, I’ll finish your list for you,”

She beamed at me, “Thank you, you don’t know what this means to me. I’d kiss you but I think I taste like blood and sick,”

I laughed through my build up of tears and reached up, planting a kiss on her forehead.

She sighed slightly, “Well, at least I got to do twenty-two of the twenty-five things I wanted to do,”

“Twenty three out of twenty six,” I corrected her.

She frowned, “What? I only had twenty-five things on my list,”

I shook my head and placed the strip of paper into her hand. She recognised it immediately and her eyes caught mine.

I smiled at her, “I love you,”

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Grant my last request,
And just let me hold you.
Don't shrug your shoulders,
Lay down beside me.
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere,
But one last time let's go there,
Lay down beside me

Paolo Nutini- Last Request

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