Stay
Code Word
When I got home Lila wasn't there. I called for her a few times, but there was no answer, so I took advantage of being alone for a little. I took off my coat and headed to the bathroom. There was the mirror staring back at me. Today was a hell of a day, I thought. I can't tell Lila what Henry had told me. The idea scared me.
I turned on the faucet an d turned to the medicine cabinet while the water heated. I took the container of the anti-depressants I prescribed for her and poured he orange pills out. Two, Four, Six, Eight, Ten. It's been at ten pills for the past five weeks. This made me uneasy. I washed my face and I heard the door open. "Where's my man?" I heard Lila call.
I walked out of the bathroom, I almost wanted to ask her why she wasn't taking her medications. Lila had gotten out a glass and filled it almost to the brim with whiskey. " You know what I've wanted all day? Something to drink." She said bringing the cup to her mouth.
"Lila. Um, I'm going to call Beth, and when I'm done we can take a bath together. " I mumbled, but just loud enough so that she could hear. I wanted to ask her about why she stopped taking the pills. Was she better? Was she scared about what they were doing to her? It made me very nervous. I picked up the phone and dialed Beth's number. It rang, and rang, and rang again no answer. The machine came on. At first I thought Beth had answered the phone, no such luck for me. I waited for the tone. "Hey, Beth, it's Sam. Please call me. I want to hear your voice."
Lila filled another glass with whiskey. "You sound like you're talking to one of your patients." She said humorously. I nodded in agreement. I might as well be, I thought. "So what happened to Beth?" She asked sitting on the sofa across from me.
"She's exhausted," I said in a defeated tone. I wasn't in the mood for talking about anyone's mental health.
"Exhausted, huh? Sam, we're in the city, everyone's exhausted. Is that some kind of code word?" She asked. I felt like she was shrinking me. It's refreshing for someone to listen to me. Though I wasn't in the mood. My mouth wanted to keep shut. It was like there was an anchor. I wasn't in the mood for this conversation. J
"Yeah..." I replied and walked into the bathroom. Lila followed me with a drink at hand.
"How's the kid with the hail? Did you see him?" she asked. I searched for things to say, I didn't want to tell her. I don't want her to be scared again.
"Yeah, he's... confused." I said for lack of a better word.
"Confused? Is that like exhausted?" She looked at me like she knew I was hiding the truth. I nodded. Her face was no longer "all-knowing" and looked hurt. "He wants to kill himself doesn't he?" She said. I got a chill down my back. This conversation had to end. I turned on the bath water.
"I don't feel comfortable talking about it." I said avoiding eye contact with her. I hated talking about suicide, especially with Lila.
"You mean you don't feel comfortable talking about it with me." She said dryly." Sam, it doesn't scare me anymore." She said putting her cold hand on my back, then my whole body went cold.
I turned away from the tub and looked at her hopelessly," I know, but it still scares me." Her eyes were so understanding. Lila came closer and gave me a hug. It felt like all of my worries melted off my skin on contact. "I love you Lila." I whispered in her ear. She tightened her hold on me.
I turned on the faucet an d turned to the medicine cabinet while the water heated. I took the container of the anti-depressants I prescribed for her and poured he orange pills out. Two, Four, Six, Eight, Ten. It's been at ten pills for the past five weeks. This made me uneasy. I washed my face and I heard the door open. "Where's my man?" I heard Lila call.
I walked out of the bathroom, I almost wanted to ask her why she wasn't taking her medications. Lila had gotten out a glass and filled it almost to the brim with whiskey. " You know what I've wanted all day? Something to drink." She said bringing the cup to her mouth.
"Lila. Um, I'm going to call Beth, and when I'm done we can take a bath together. " I mumbled, but just loud enough so that she could hear. I wanted to ask her about why she stopped taking the pills. Was she better? Was she scared about what they were doing to her? It made me very nervous. I picked up the phone and dialed Beth's number. It rang, and rang, and rang again no answer. The machine came on. At first I thought Beth had answered the phone, no such luck for me. I waited for the tone. "Hey, Beth, it's Sam. Please call me. I want to hear your voice."
Lila filled another glass with whiskey. "You sound like you're talking to one of your patients." She said humorously. I nodded in agreement. I might as well be, I thought. "So what happened to Beth?" She asked sitting on the sofa across from me.
"She's exhausted," I said in a defeated tone. I wasn't in the mood for talking about anyone's mental health.
"Exhausted, huh? Sam, we're in the city, everyone's exhausted. Is that some kind of code word?" She asked. I felt like she was shrinking me. It's refreshing for someone to listen to me. Though I wasn't in the mood. My mouth wanted to keep shut. It was like there was an anchor. I wasn't in the mood for this conversation. J
"Yeah..." I replied and walked into the bathroom. Lila followed me with a drink at hand.
"How's the kid with the hail? Did you see him?" she asked. I searched for things to say, I didn't want to tell her. I don't want her to be scared again.
"Yeah, he's... confused." I said for lack of a better word.
"Confused? Is that like exhausted?" She looked at me like she knew I was hiding the truth. I nodded. Her face was no longer "all-knowing" and looked hurt. "He wants to kill himself doesn't he?" She said. I got a chill down my back. This conversation had to end. I turned on the bath water.
"I don't feel comfortable talking about it." I said avoiding eye contact with her. I hated talking about suicide, especially with Lila.
"You mean you don't feel comfortable talking about it with me." She said dryly." Sam, it doesn't scare me anymore." She said putting her cold hand on my back, then my whole body went cold.
I turned away from the tub and looked at her hopelessly," I know, but it still scares me." Her eyes were so understanding. Lila came closer and gave me a hug. It felt like all of my worries melted off my skin on contact. "I love you Lila." I whispered in her ear. She tightened her hold on me.