You Are My Downfall, I Am Your Forgotten Face

I sighed as I entered the room.

"Alannah? How are you today?" Dr. Vanderbilt asked.

"Alright I guess."

"Nervous?"

"Yeah."

"Well, let's hear some of your story and then we'll talk about tomorrow."

A week after my father's passing and I still had yet to enter my own house. I refused. It just didn't feel right without my daddy there. I know people are saying,'grow up', 'get over it'. Well all I have to say there is 'Fuck You!'. I mean it's only been a week. Today's the funeral.

I stood in Matt's room. I was in a new black dress that my mother bought just for today. The second it comes off, I'm burning it. My mother. There's a topic for you. She seems perfectly fine. I hope it's just her trying to be strong, I mean her husband and father to her child just died. I think it's OK to show a little emotion. Right?

I felt arms around my waist and I leaned into them.

"Hey babe. How you holding up?" Matt asked softly into my ear. I truly think I'd be lost without him.

"As good as I can be I guess."

"Well, I don't want to rush you, but everyone's downstairs, and my mom says that we should go so we're not late."

I sighed. "Alright." Matt's arms dropped from my sides and he began to walk away. "Wait!" He turned around. "Walk down with me. I don't know if I'll make it down the stair myself without falling." I said as I felt my knees quiver. Today is going to be a long day.

Matt walked at my side down the stairs. I was met by the sad eyes of my friends. They had all came. They were my 'support group' as they liked to call themselves. I guess I'm lucky, because I can use all the support I can get. I looked at the kitchen doorway and saw Mr. and Mrs. Sanders standing in all black, looking at me sympathetically. I should thank them as much as I thanked Matt, I mean they are letting me stay in their house.

"Alannah, sweetheart, I think we better go. This isn't something you should be late for." Mrs/ Sanders said looking at the ground instead of me.

I took in a deep breath and walked past my friends and through the front door, Matt at my side. I could feel the large group forming behind me as we all jumped into our cars. We pulled away. The car ride was silent. I didn't want to say anything, and Matt understood that today I wasn't going to talk much, but a lot of tears would take the place of my usual words. Matt pulled up to the church and cut the engine. I heard him shift in his seat. I looked over at him to see he was analyzing me.

"I'm here for you. We all came for you. You don't have to be strong, we'll support you. It's OK to fall down today, because I'll be right next to you picking you back up. I love you. It hurts me to see you this way, but I understand. I just want you to know that whatever you do, don't keep your emotions locked up today. Let them out." Matt said softly looking at me. I wanted to say something but, I couldn't. "You don't have to talk. I know, you love me too." He said leaning over and lightly kissing my lips.

He got out of the car and ran to my side and helped me out. As soon as my feet hit the ground, the dark clouds that were looming above burst open, pouring water in all who were outside. Matt picked me up and ran inside. We slowly made our way to the first pew where my mother sat all alone. I sat beside her ans Matt sat at my side. I kissed my mother on the cheek, but got no response from her. She was like the living dead. Matt wrapped an arm around my shoulder and I leaned into him. Tears started out of my eyes, soaking his already wet suit even more. I heard shuffling be hind us and the low whispers of my friends. They quieted down as the priest took is spot at the alter.

"Hello family and friends of our departed Marcus O'Byrne. We are here today to mourn the loss of a great man, but we are also here to celebrate his legacy and what he hath achieved in this world...." The priest continued to drone on about God and Heaven and how my father was now watching over us. I spaced out, remembering all the good times I had with my father. These memories only made me cry more. I felt a hand wiping some of the tears and looked up. Matt's hand was inches from my face and his eyes looked at me with much sorrow. It almost seemed like my pain was radiating into him, something that hurt me even more.

I tried to stop the tears, but it was useless. I heard the priest say my name which took me by surprise.

"Child, you would like to speak on your fathers behalf?"

I gulped. I didn't agree to this, I was too much I wreck to do something like that. My mother never told me that she had set this up. I slowly stood up, only to fall back down again. Matt caught me.

"Sir, I don't think she has the strength for that today." I heard Matt say politely.

"Yes, I fully understand. Well, now is the time to pay all final respects to Marcus O'Byrne." The priest said leaving the alter to stand by the casket. The casket was closed, due to my father being near unidentifiable.

A line slowly formed and people stood by the casket. Some cried. Others were emotionless. Few laughed, remembering the times they shared with my father. The family was to be the last to pay their respects. My friends slowly made their way to my father's coffin and were mostly quiet in thought except for the ones who were crying. My father was very loved by my friends. They left, Matt's parents following slightly after.

My mother stood as the last person exited the church doors. I followed her moves, Matt's arm wrapped around my waist for support. I stood at the casket my mother to one side of me and Matt at my other.

"G-g-good-b-b-bye d-d-daddy." I croaked lightly, tears pouring out of my eyes like water from a faucet. My mother stayed silent.

I heard Matt lightly whisper, "Don't worry Mr. O'Byrne. I'll take care of your little girl for you."

I leaned almost all my body weight on Matt as the three of us followed my dad's coffin out of the church. My father's body was put in the hearse and my mother followed one of the Paul bearers to a limo. Matt walked me to his car where a flag donned the antenna. We both entered the car and Matt drove off, following the funeral procession.

A large group stood on the cemetery grounds, there was a pathway for the family to walk. Matt, my mother, and I went to the seats and seated ourselves in front of the casket and near the priest.

The priest continued his sermon on the afterlife as I sat, staring at the container where my father's body rested.

Unknowingly to myself, I sprung out of the chair where I was sitting and threw my body at my father's coffin.

"No daddy! You can't leave me! Not now! Come back! Get up! Get up! You're not dead! I know you're not! You can't be!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I could feel the stares on my back.

Large hands lightly pressed themselves to my sides as I gripped the casket for dear life. "Alannah, babe, you have to let him go."

"I can't! I won't!"I yelled as I tightened my grip. I felt myself being tugged lightly. There was a crowd around me now.

"Sweety, you're only hurting yourself more." I heard Katie's cracking voice and a small hand placed on my back.

"Get away from me! You're all lieing! He's fine! Perfectly fine!" I snapped, tugging away from the force pulling at my body.

I felt more hands on me, tearing me away from my father. I was kicking and screaming, but the forces wouldn't let go. I looked at the evil ones and saw all the guys holding me to themselves, Matt being the closest.

"Shhh, Alannah. It'll be OK. You'll be OK." I heard them all whisper as the rocked me like an infant.

I slowly calmed down as I was lead back to my seat, all of my friends at my side this time.

The service ended, me and emotional wreck, and the casket was slowly lowered into the ground. Everyone had left, including my mother, leaving ma and Matt standing at the newly covered grave. Matt's hand was softly rubbing my back and he whispered light encouragements in my ear.

The rain picked up again and I slowly turned around and made my way to Matt's car, Matt following close behind. We arrived at his house and slowly made our way up to his room. I ripped the dress off my body, not caring if Matt saw or not, and pulled on sweats and a baggy t-shirt that were tossed on the bed from the night before. I crawled into the bed and turned so that I was facing the wall. A few minuets later, I felt the bed shift and arms pulling me to a body.

"I know this is hard to believe right now," He said with a deep breath, "but broken hearts heal. Sometimes, it just takes a while."

I drifted off to dream land. I dreamed of my early years with my father, but slowly my dreams wandered to Matt. I'll never be able to let him go. If he's ever gone, it might just kill me.

Dr. Vanderbilt looked up at me from what she was writing. "You're father's death seemed to hurt you much more than you led on when you first entered the facility."

"I guess, but I think it was the reason why Matt's leaving hurt me so much. It was just another stab at my heart." I said as I exited the room, trying to mentally prepare myself for tomorrow