Blue Fingers

Mom called not long after, saying she was already home so I that I should get there as soon as possible. Ethan offered a ride and I accepted, eager to have time of my own with him an no one else. I thanked Vera’s parents who eyed me suspiciously as I all but glided towards Ethan’s car. Vera had dissapeared since breakfast. They all said she had had a last minute shoot and that she had had to go, but I knew better than that.

Maybe she really had told everyone that, and maybe part of it was true, but in reality she had wanted to run away from us. I knew that in a certain degree Vera felt robbed. She felt Ethan and I had stole each other from her. She saw us as her possesions and was angry at both of us.

I tapped my fingers against the window, waiting for Ethan to carry the last of his bags to the trunk. He walked in front of the car jingling his car keys in his index right finger, the loose jacket he had on top of his v-cut sweater made him look more like a model than ever.

He opened the car door and smiled widely. I had never seen him with such happiness. I was so relieved, I could feel the emotion swelling inside me, almost choking me. The water was filling my eyes and at any moment the tears would fall, I knew it. He placed a hand on my knee and got nearer, his eyes and smile getting me transfixed.

“What’s wrong, Lexie? Are you not feeling okay?”

I shook my head, wetting my lips with my tongue quickly before replying.

“You’re...you’re so happy!”

I smiled in between my tears. Ethan laughed as he wrapped his arms around me a placed my head on his chest. He kissed my forehead, sending chills down my spine. I stopped my sobbing as fast as I could, but every now and then a tear slipped down my face.

“Come on, let’s go get an icecream before I get you home. How does that sound?”

I nodded as I reluctantly retreated to my seat and wrapped the seat belt into place.

* * *

I licked the last of my ice cream as I entered my house, jingling my keys just as Ethan had done a while ago. In a way it was annoying how my chest ached now that I wasn’t with him. Perhaps it also had to do with what he told me while we waited for the ice cream cones to be ready, the part about not being able to hang out much because of all the work that implied working for such a demanding company. It made me sad on one side, but then I remembered just how happy that made him.

I barely saw my mom, I just knew she had been there because of the clear smell of cigarettes polluting the air. I opened a couple of windows to try and clear it out, without much sucess. As I walked towards the phone there was pink post it over it with my mom’s almost undecipherable handwriting reading,

Beatrix called. Call back.

“Even your post-its are lacking sentiment, mother.”

I mumbled with a laugh as I picked up the phone and dialed Beatrix’s number.

“Hello? Beatrix speaking!”

“Hey! It’s me. Mother dearest left a post-it saying you called?”

“Oh yes, it feels like ages since we last talked.”

“I know! What are you doing right now?”

I asked as I threw myself in the couch, hugging a cushion.

“I was actually thinking of taking a walk with Dali.”

“Let’s meet up!”

“Sure!”

I went upstairs and changed into something more comfortable and went out the front door again, eager to meet with my friend. I payed little attention to the big grey clouds promising a good rain any time soon as I walked among the thick trees and houses in my way to the park. I sat on the usual bench, giddily playing with my fingers without really looking at them.

The sound of paws and sneakers against pavement ‘woke me up’, so to speak, and I perked up to see Beatrix and Dali coming my way. I gave my friend a bone-breaking hug as we walked around the park, Dali a few ways off wagging his tail so fast it seemed it would break at any given moment. I told her about everything that happened the last few days, she smiled such a wide smile as I talked her through it that it made me feel so much more happier. By the time I got to the sad part, about not being able to see Ethan that often she held my hand tight.

“Don’t worry. I’m here for you, okay?”

I smiled back, staring at out fingers. And then I noticed something: there were no strings, none at all. Not the red one, nor the the glowing gold ones,not the almost invisible ones. I panicked, looking around me. People walked past us and there wasn’t any string around, not one. In fact, the only resembling string in my line of vision where the electric ones.

My vision became blurry and I was so sure I was going to faint. I sat on the pavement before I would colapse, placing my palms over it to create some sort of stability. But I couldn’t, I was so scared.

I couldn’t see the strings anymore!
But why?
Why?

I didn’t realize until then just how secure I had felt by them.
Did that mean there was no bond binding me to anyone anymore?

Would Beatrix’s friendship collapse?

Would Ethan and me break up?

Would I die?

Out of the everything the most preferable one was death.

If I couldn’t have any of them, then I couldn’t be happy. I didn’t want such a miserable life...if I had to have one then I prefered death over living.
I prefered death, I just couldn’t live this way.

Death, death, death, death.