Green Diamonds

I don’t think I was ever in love with you.

I mean, yes, I loved you, but I don’t think I was ever in love with you.

I think you might have been in love with me, once upon a time, you used to tell me so, you used to look me in the eyes and say those four words that I always hated so much.

“I love you, Mike.”

And yet, I could never reply truthfully – how do you tell someone like you that although you love them, you’re not in love with them.

So I always said what I thought would make you happy.

“I love you too.”

Your eyes always used to dance whenever I said those words… I always loved your eyes – the most perfect shade of green, a beautiful emerald – the way they shone like green diamonds whenever you laughed.

I loved it when you laughed, I loved you, Billie Joe, but I don’t think I was ever really in love with you and I hate myself for leading you on the way I did.

I remember when you cried, when that bitch shouted at you and although you swore, screamed, punched a wall and left, you cried, Billie Joe, you cried.

You left whenever she shouted, you always left and refused to answer your sidekick even when she left messages begging you to come home.

Usually you just dropped it in my trashcan where it would lie, ringing constantly, untouched for hours. Once you even threw it at a wall, screaming at it – at her – to go away, to leave you alone…

I remember when you cried, shaking, trembling, rocking backwards and forwards in my arms and whispering to me – words that I could barely hear and understood even less.

I remember when you cried, the way you used to hiccup and choke on words, holding – clutching – your chest so tightly I often wondered if you were trying to stop yourself falling to pieces, trying to stop yourself breaking… green diamonds shining so brightly with all the tears you used to try to keep from spilling over.

We almost always fucked after you cried – I guess it was a form of therapy – it was a release and you needed it, so I wasn’t going to object… I cared about you, I loved you, Billie Joe, even if I was never actually in love with you.

I guess it shows when I look back on it now… we never made love, we never had sex, we fucked – you cried, screamed, hit me, scratched me, the stubs of your nails scarring my arms, my back… when you swore at me, begged for more, begged like a fucking slut, green diamonds pleading silently with me… the way you always cried harder when you came, screaming profanities, screaming anything as long as it wasn’t my name.

I hated it when you cried, when we fucked, the way you could never say my name but you had no shame when it came to begging like a green eyed whore.

I remember when you laughed, green diamonds dancing, sparkling – you never did do things half way.

If I said something dumb, if I tripped over my shoelaces, if you did better on a test than me, you laughed like it was the funniest fucking thing you’d ever seen, you laughed as though there would never be a tomorrow… I loved it when you laughed, when green diamonds spilled tears for all the right reasons – I loved it, I loved you and how I wish I had had the guts to let go and just fall.

I led you on. I shouldn’t have.

I read your notebooks by the way, where the ink stains the pages, ink blurred by tears fallen for whatever reasons and where you scribbled so hard it went straight through the page, obliterating the offending words and I hated it, Billie.

You know too well I always hated seeing you like that, always hated the way we ended up fucking when you were like that, Billie, because you needed it, you fucking needed it Billie Joe Armstrong (and don’t you shake your head at me) weak protest to deny it, you needed it and I guess you were only ever hoping I needed you as well.

I didn’t, but it never stopped me loving you.

I’m sorry.