Show Me What I'm Looking For

I’d been starring at the clock on my nightstand for 2 hours now, desperately trying to find sleep. I kept going over the awful things we’d said to one another. Anny on the other hand, was snoring away beside me. I went through all the pictures of us together on my cell phone; us at the winter formal and at the field trip and at Christmas and New Years’. I then went through my calendar. Friday would be our 8th month anniversary. Almost a year together and right now, I wasn’t even sure if I would still talk to him in the morning. I starred up at the ceiling, my phone in hand, his number dialed, but I couldn’t find the courage to push ‘send’. I kept going over what my mom told me, “There’s nothing worse for a relationship than the lack of communication,” she said. Of course, she didn’t have the best luck with relationships, but I knew she was right, so, against all my better judgment, I finally found the guts to press ‘send’.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me,” I stated bluntly, my eyes watering already.

“I guess you weren’t sleeping either?” His voice heavy with worry.

“I couldn’t fall asleep. Not the way we left things.”

“Me either. I kept thinking about what I said and I’m really sorry Ali. It’s my entire fault. Please, can we just forget about this?”

“It’s my fault too. I feel horrible, I’m sorry. I overreacted,” I replied, overwhelmed with emotion.

“I love you and Amber is never going to change that, alright?” I suddenly remembered that she still existed.

“I love you too, so much. So we’re good?”

“Yeah, we’re great. Goodnight, try to get some sleep,” he laughed before adding, “It is only 4 in the morning. I’ll call you when I wake up later. Bye baby.” I said my goodbyes and hung up. I smiled as I starred up at the ceiling, everything was back on track.

“Anny,” I whisper-yelled as I nudged her in the ribs.

“Ouch, stop! What the hell do you want? I’m trying to sleep.”

“Me and John are good again!” I shook her from side to side.

“That’s great. Go to sleep now.”

“I could probably say anything right now and you would say that it’s great,” I bluntly stated.

“Hmm, that’s great, sleep or leave me alone,” I rolled around and quickly found an extremely comfortable position and fell right to sleep.

The bright Arizona sun started piercing through my curtains at 8 o’clock, but I stayed in bed even when Anny went down to eat. I felt like I had a hangover; my head was killing me, I could barely open my eyes and I felt dizzy. Basically, it was as if a bus had hit my limp body and I managed to survive it. I somehow got out of bed and dragged myself downstairs.

“Well good morning sunshine!” Anny belted out as I squinted, trying to block out the light.

“Shut. Up.”

“Well excuse me! I didn’t realize you had ‘Fuck Off’ stamped to your forehead—”

“Anny! Language!” My mom corrected as she poured me a glass of orange juice accompanied by my favorite thing in the whole wide world, Tylenol. I threw the pills down and starred blankly in front of me.

“Earth to Ali.”

“Sorry Anny, right. Um, what do you want to do today?”

“Well, since you’re feeling so horrible, I sort of already made plans with Garrett,” she then looked down and sipped her juice.

“Oh please, you made those plans whether I was sick or not. Alright, have fun without me.” I was pretty much throwing myself a pity party.

“I will,” she smiled. “Alright, I’ve got to get going, bye.” She drank her last drop of juice and said bye to my mom before walking out the door.

“Mommy, stay with me today. I’m sick,” I begged, watching her put on her shoes. Her bump was slowly starting to show.

“I can’t sweetie. I have a doctor’s appointment on the other side of town. I’ve got to go, bye!” And there I was, sitting alone in my kitchen, watching the small TV sitting on the corner of the counter. I ate my blueberry muffin as I watched the news in silence. I hated being home alone. It seemed that much worse when I was sick. I reached into my pocket and grabbed my phone, slowly looking through my missed alerts. John called twice and Pat texted once to see if I was okay. I quickly responded to his message and dialed John’s number.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me.”

“How are you feeling?” I guess he quickly detected my nasally voice.

“I’m sick. I feel like a building collapsed on me,” I quickly explained.

“Alright, I’m coming over right now. Do you want anything?”

“No, I’m okay for now. Don’t you have some recording to do today?”

“No, that’s not until 3, so I’m yours until then. Alright, I’m leaving now, bye baby,” he then hung up and I went to lie down on the sofa.

John’s point of view

“Mom, I’m going to Ali’s house,” I yelled out as I slipped on my shoes.

“Get her flowers,” she simply stated as she shut off the vacuum.

“What for?”

“You had an argument. You apologized over the phone. You get her flowers.”

“How do you know we had an argument?”

“I’m your mom, John,” she smiled. “I know everything. Tell her I say ‘hi’.” I smiled and nodded, grabbed my keys and walked to the car.

20 minutes later, I pulled up to Ali’s house, flowers in hand. She once mentioned that white lily’s were her favorite, so I decided to go with those. I rang twice to which I received a text message from Ali saying it was unlocked. Either she had grown extremely lazy or she really was feeling like crap. There, in the living room, Ali was thrown onto the sofa, resembling a beached whale. I couldn’t help but laugh. She then looked up from the TV and eyed the flowers.

“Are those for me?” A faint smile crept onto her face and I walked over to her, sitting on the couch’s armrest.

“Yeah, to officially apologize in person. I mean, I’m sorry. I love you,” I simply stated, her eyes slowly started to light up and become watery.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” And as soon as I pronounced those words, the waterworks started. She crashed her head to my shoulder and cried, cried and cried.

“I don’t even know why I’m crying,” she tried to say.

“Because you’re sick and you don’t feel well that’s why. Come on Ali, don’t be sad. Come, sit with me. Let’s watch TV,” I suggested, flipping through the channels. She laid down next to me, her head on my shoulder and I covered us with a blanket.

“Hold me, I’m cold,” she asked as pressed my lips to her forehead. She obviously had a fever. Luckily, Jon and Kate plus 8 was on which just happened to our favorite show. 15 minutes in, Ali was out cold and my eyelids were slowly closing as well. 4 hours of sleep was clearly not enough last night.

The sound of the front door opening awoke me. I squinted towards the TV and perceived that that show about pregnant ladies was on and all this talk about uterus’ was making me really uncomfortable, so I shut it off. Ali’s father walked in through the door, undoing his tie.

“Hello sir,” I happily greeted him.

“Hi John,” he tried to smile, but his eyes quickly shifted to Ali. “What’s wrong with her?”

“Oh, well she’s sick and didn’t sleep much last night. How was the business trip?”

“Not to bad, but definitely glad to be home. Talk to you later John,” he smiled and walked away, but that’s when I saw it. A purple-red round mark on his neck. A hickie. A well-rounded hickie. Being extremely puzzled, I just laid back down, confused.

Once Ali finally woke up, it was time for me to go to the studio. Recording with Amber today couldn’t be worse timing.

“Alright, I better get going,” I said as I slipped on my shoes.

“Is she going to be there today?”

“Let’s not start this again please. Yes, she’s going to be there,” I quickly pressed my lips to hers. “Bye, I’ll call you later to see how you’re feeling.” I then walked out the door and drove to the studio.

“John!” Amber yelled out as soon as I put foot inside the building. She reached out for a hug which I couldn’t really refuse. She was wearing Ali’s perfume.

“Hey Amber, have you been waiting long?”

“Nope, just got here. Daddy let me in earlier,” She smiled.

“Daddy?” I questioned, confused.

“Oh right, my dad owns the record label. Anyways, are you ready?” Shocked, I nodded and followed her to the usual booth.

“So I was looking through the song tracks and I was thinking that we should cover Into Your Arms together.” She suggested. Crap.

“We can’t sing that together—”

“Why not?” She whined like a 4 year old.

“Because it’s a really personal song that I wrote on a really important night and you just can’t sing it, sorry.”

“I don’t care. I like the song; I want to sing it, please?” She requested once more.

“No, there’s nothing to discuss. We aren’t covering that one together.” She sighed and sat down. I couldn’t tell if she was angry or not, so I just looked away.

“It’s really hard to be in this business you know. It’s like, for every two steps forward, I take a giant step back,” she stated and I turned around to listen. For the first time, she was making sense and I could relate to what she was saying.

“Yeah, I get that. It takes so much effort and it’s so frustrating at first, but then you create something special and it’s like, it’s like it’s your baby. Like all your hard work finally paid off. I couldn’t see myself doing anything else.” She then came to sit by me and I found to really like this side of her.

“What do you mean?”

“Music, it’s just something that’s in you. You can’t become a musician; you just develop what was originally there.” An awkward silence followed, but there was nothing awkward about it.

“I’m sorry for overreacting about the song. We can cover any other one,” she smiled.

“No it’s alright, don’t worry about it—”

“No John, it really wasn’t fair. How about we go out for dinner Friday night? As friends?” Something about her drew me in, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was.

“Yeah, that sounds great. How about we start on the song now?” She smiled and agreed and we stepped back into the studio.

Ali’s point of view

By 6 pm, I was tired of laying on the sofa, so I walked to the kitchen and got myself a snack. As I popped a Ramen soup into the microwave, my phone started vibrating on the counter, so I grabbed it and flipped it open.

“Hello?”

“Hey Ali, it’s Kennedy,” he responded eagerly into the phone.

“Kenny, how are you?”

“Pretty good, just finished up supper at home. You?” He asked.

“Nothing, about to take my Ramen soup out of the microwave and I’m sick and home alone so fuck my life,” I said as I opened the microwave door and pulled out the burning hot container.

“Oh, where’s John?”

“At the studio with Amber, sadly. You have no idea how much I hate her Kenny, no idea,” I explained, grabbing a fork and spoon from the drawer. I then set the soup on the table and waited for it to cool off before digging in.

“I don’t think any of us really like her, but don’t worry about it. You want to watch a movie tonight? I’ll come over right now if you want,” he suggested and I smiled.

“Yes, come! You can pick the movie and I have the pop corn here.”

“Alright, I’m leaving right now, see you in a bit. Bye!” We both hung up and I couldn’t be happier that I wasn’t spending the night alone.

“Ali, who was that?” My dad asked as he buttoned-up his shirt.

“Kennedy, he’s coming over to watch a movie,” I explained. My dad was taking my mom out for supper since he just came back from the trip. “Whoa, dad. What’s that on your neck?” I asked, pointing to the large red mark on his neck.

“Nothing, just a burn. Alright, your mother and I are going out. Don’t burn the house down please. We’ll be back later, bye!” There I was, home alone again, but luckily not for long. Fifteen minutes later, the doorbell rang and Kennedy was standing there, holding up a couple of movies. I let him in and we sat on the couch.

“What did you rent?” I asked, starting up the DVD player.

“You are going to be proud of me. I got ‘Sex And The City’ for you. The new James Bond movie for me and ‘Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist’ for the amazing soundtrack,” he smiled so proud of himself.

“I’m so proud of your selection, Kenny. Which one first?”

“I don’t mind. You pick.” I decided to put in the third one first and got the blankets out of the cupboard. I dimmed the lights and got settled in the sofa with Kennedy. He was one of my closest friends and I could always count on him for anything, especially making me feel better.

John’s point of view

“Thanks for the ride John! See you on Friday night,” Amber said as she jumped out of the car. It was nearly midnight and I felt bad letting her walk home, so I happily drove her. I waved goodbye and quickly pulled out of the driveway, dialing Ali’s number as I drove home.

“Hey baby, it’s me. Were you sleeping?” I asked.

“Hey, no actually, I just said bye to Kennedy. He came over to watch some movies. Where are you?”

“I’m driving home from the studio right now,” I informed her.

“Be safe,” her voice smiled. “Oh, before I forget, what do you want to do on Friday?” Crap. I completely forgot it was our anniversary. I couldn’t risk ruining things with Amber again.

“Oh right. Well, I have recording on Friday until after supper, but we can do something after that if you want,” I lied. I felt horrible, but I had to and I hoped she would understand.

“Fine…” She responded, disappointed. “Are you sure you can’t cancel?”

“I already tried to get out of it, Ali. I’m sorry, but I can’t,” I explained, hoping I wouldn’t get tangled in my own lies. I then pulled up into my driveway and sat in my car for a little while.

“Alright, I understand. We’ll do something after then, I guess. Alright, I’m going to bed. It’s late. Goodnight, I love you,” she said to me, her voice smiled once more.

“Goodnight baby, I love you,” I responded and flipped my phone shut. I sighed and laid my head on the steering wheel. I felt trapped, like no matter what I did, I disappointed someone. I just wondered if I was disappointing the wrong people. I sat there thinking if I had fucked things up again.