Tearjerker Masochist

[Zsadist]

"My name is Phoebe Perry. Until you change your's back and decide to treat me like a sister again, don't bother calling me. I thought we could put this behind us. I was wrong."

The phrase she uttered ran through my mind as I continued to hug Kayden's hand to my face.

Why would she say that?

Why didn’t she let me finish?

New tears leaked out as I continued to break down. My fiancé was dying. I was pregnant, but I was also dying. The worst part was that my own twin didn’t care to listen to me.

"Kayden…" I whispered his name with my eyes closed, his palm pressed to my cheek.

"I love you…"

The flat beep of the heart monitor made my eyes shoot open, my fingers desperately grabbing his in denial.

"No! Kayden!" I yelled his name over and over and the nurses and doctors came rushing in to try and save him. One nurse staying by me to keep me out of the way.

He stayed flat lined.

He didn’t move.

The doctors and hospital personnel left, leaving just one nurse by the door.

"Kayden, come on wake up." Nothing.

"Come on, Kay its not funny." Silence.

"Kayden! It wasn’t funny last time and it's still not funny this time!" My voice edged hysteria.

"Hon, he's gone." A nurse said comfortingly from the door.

"No!" I yelled in denial, tears falling again. "He can't! He has to come back…" I trailed off starting to realize. "He has to come back to me like last time… He promised…"

I broke down to the floor in a sobbing heap, hugging my self. The nurse tried to be comforting, but it didn’t work. I lost him. My everything.

Soon I was told to leave, so I got up and walked to the receptionist to see if my doctor was there. She was.

After I got to see my doctor I asked for my results. I had a blood test done last week, as much as I hate hospitals, I needed to know how much time I had left.

She sighed. "I'm sorry, Zee. You don’t have much left. Two years at most if there are no complications."

I smiled sadly. "Thanks, Doc. However, it doesn’t really matter anymore. I just wanted to know the official record."

She gave me a confused look, but I just smiled and left.

Home.

That's where I needed to be.

I got into my mustang and drove home slowly deciding what to do.

It was time to end it.

I'm dying. I'm pregnant. It doesn’t really matter though cause I'll probably loose it again.

Kayden is gone, there is no wedding… there is no lover… there is no father…

There is nothing.

I got home and took a shower before putting on a simple white dress. No, it wasn’t fancy or anything, just simple white cotton. Shocking that I even had it, yes. Phoebe gave it to me as a congratulations gift that Kay and I were to get married. Ironic.

Sitting down at the kitchen table I took out a pen and paper, beginning to write.

Dear Phury, (Or shall I finally say Phoebe?)

I'm sorry. I never told you this, I never told Kayden either. He never knew, and neither did you. I'm sorry I never said it before now. It might have changed things, however I doubt it. I'm pregnant. I never said those words to either of you. Not then, and not now. Then, you ask? Yes, then. Before it all started, before they all died. I had just gotten engaged to Kayden when I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I didn’t tell you though. I didn’t want to stress you since you were about to have twins of your own. And Kayden… I was waiting for the right time to tell him. That time never came because I never had the chance.
Do you remember that night when they kicked me over and over? How I curled to try and stop them from touching my stomach? How I was unsuccessful in doing so? How I cried more then normal the next night? Yes, that was because I lost it. When they kicked me, they made me lost it. My precious child… Unknown to all but myself, gone, I never really got over it though. Guess one doesn’t ever.
You walked in on me finally telling Kay I was having a child. I just found out this morning. Right before the hospital called me. Kayden went out in the first place to get me some medicine because he thought I was sick. I wasn’t sure, so I checked. I was right. Unfortunately.
He died because of me. He died because I was too cowardly to tell my fiancé that I thought I was just pregnant. I was too scared of his reaction. Its not logical, I'm aware of this. But since when I was so?
Another secret I never told either of you? I'm dying. Yes, you know this, you both do. But as of this moment, I have but two years left, and that’s if there isn’t any complications. In my case, childbirth will kill me. I will never get to see the smiling face of my baby. Never hold it in my arms, never nurse it, and never rock it to sleep. I didn’t want to tell either of you.
But now Kayden is gone.
I'm pregnant, and dying.
And if the sickness doesn’t kill me, childbirth will.
Can you see why I didn’t tell you earlier, Phoebe? Can you see why I never told you I always, without fail, dream of them? Of those nights, and what they did to us. How I can hardly sleep for fear of them coming back to get me?
Can you ever forgive me?
I'm sorry that I wasn’t able to protect you.
I'm sorry that Kayden survived, and Ryan didn’t.
I'm sorry that you got a shit-ass twin like me.
I'm sorry that I'm leaving you here alone when I die.
I'm sorry that I put you through hell and back.
I'm sorry that I walked all over you.
I'm sorry that I still don’t have the guts to tell you in person.
I'm sorry that I'm dead now.

Goodbye Phoebe Perry. I love you; know that you're all I had left. All I ever really had in the first place. Without you, I wouldn’t have lived this long.
I'm sorry that you have to find me like this, but I can't help it, you know self-control was never my strong point after all. By the way, I was going to change my name back to Zoey. Zoey Floyd. I liked the sound of that better.
Goodbye Phoebe, Phury, whichever you will go by, goodbye.

Tear stains littered the paper as I put it in an envelope and set it on my kitchen table, the first place she'll see when she comes looking for me. I got a pair of pliers and ripped off my necklace. It wasn’t for the world to know, just for her. She is the only one left to know that I'm Zsadist Aingeal Plague. That I'm Zoey Perry; that I was about to be Zoey Floyd.

She will be the one to know my legacy.

My twin was always the only one besides Kayden that understood me, despite me being a bitch to her all the time.

I placed the necklace on top of the envelope, and walked upstairs slowly. This was the last time I'd walk them after all.

Getting my swords, I placed them on the bed, the white sheets still folded neatly. One sword on each side of me, right where they always were, before going to my closet. I gingerly picked up a little black box, and opened it.

There was the necklace that Phury had given me as a child. Back when before it all happened. Back before we got ruined beyond help.

Carefully I took it out, and put it around my neck. That done I grabbed my gun and walked back over to the bed, lying down, picking up the phone I called her one last time.

She didn’t answer, I just got her voice mail.

I didn’t leave one. I left it silent, then hung up.

"I'm sorry, Kayden."

Picking up my gun, a tear dripped down my face.

"I'm sorry, Phoebe."

I cocked the gun and put it to my heart, so I would die instantly, no pain.

"Goodbye cruel world. I'm leaving you today…" I sang quietly to myself.

"Goodbye…

"Goodbye…

"Goodbye…"

I pulled the trigger.

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