This Is How I Disappear

I stood at the top of the stairs, looking down them wanting to run down the hallway and into my room. I wanted to hide in the closet and never come out again. I did my best to avoid Gerard all day, I did my best to avoid all the guys today and now, it was all going to crash down on me. It was the dreadful hour of the day, dinner hour. I bite my lip as I walked down the stairs taking one at a time, dragging out the time it actually took to walk down them. I could hear the faint voice of the boys and a few girls but I was waiting for the one that would make my heart sink, would make me want to curl up and die. I stopped in the middle of the stairwell and looked behind me at the top, thinking I could act sick and avoid the dinner. But there was the issue of me being a vampire and not one of them ever got sick. I sighed and looked back at the bottom of the staircase. I jumped a little as I looked right into the eyes of the man I truly do love. He looked completely defeated and sad just looking at me. I looked to the floor as I continued my way down the stairs. I stopped at the last step just staring at his black polished shoes.

“You look really nice tonight,” I heard him whisper. I smiled a little as I looked down at my own attire. I was wearing a black mid thigh dress that had a medium size v-neck. I wore black high heels and my hair was down. I nodded at him as I stepped down to the ground level.

“Thank you, not bad yourself,” I said in the same volume. He chuckled lightly as he slowly place one hand into his pocket. I could see he was battling what to say in his mind and I wish desperately to be like Ray and know what he was thinking, “I think we need to talk.”
“Not now, after dinner,” he said and sigh as he took off towards the dining room. I followed suit and walked a little faster to get in front of him. He tried to move around me, but I managed to stay in front of him, “Analisa, please?”

“No Gerard, we need to work this out and I am not putting it off anymore,” I sternly told him as he sighed and looked away from me. I slowly and nervously placed my hand on his cheek forcing him to look at me. I saw the awful emptiness in his eyes and it was like he was ready to cry. I moved a little closer to him but he only moved back then looked towards the ground.

“Why are you not talking to me Gee?”

“Analisa I am begging for you to just wait until later, I do not want to battle this out right now,” he whispered still trying to keep the attention off of us. I growled under my breath and stared at him as he shook his head.

“Are you serious Gerard? I mean everyone already knows our problems and how you don’t even know if you actually love me,” I said getting louder and I felt Gerard grab my arm. He pulled me towards the corner of the room. After he stopped I pulled my arm away from him and shot him a look, “What is your problem?”

“You are my problem. You are so dramatic and hardheaded that I cannot get one word in,” he sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

“Well if you haven’t notice Gerard, I am a girl and it’s in the description; read the fine print,” I said louder then I intended. I had noticed that all the voice from the next room had stopped and it was completely silent letting me know that they were listening closely.

“Great,” he whispered as he had noticed the same thing I did, “See Analisa! You have to bring everyone’s attention to you and only you!” I bite my lip trying to keep myself from crying. He was yelling at me and I hated it when he yelled at all. It was just not him. I looked to the ground and wiped away my glassy eyes.

“I am sorry I embarrass you,” I whisper lightly and started to walk towards the stair, forgetting about dinner. I was almost to the stairs when I heard his voice, “Where are you going?”

“I am not hungry anymore,” I told him and continued to walk up the stairs. I was up the stairs when I heard his footsteps following mine. I picked up my pace and walked into my room. I closed the door with my back. I finally let the tears out as I rested my head against the door. Everything was falling apart and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was losing Gerard right in front of me. I know I was stubborn and should have let everything go, but now I was trying. That was more than he was doing, he was just sitting there, watching everything fly by him; including me. I heard him softly knocking on the door, but I just ignored it.

“Ana baby, let me in please,” I heard him beg. I bite my lip as I felt my heart skip a beat, he had called me baby. I buried my eyes into my hands and just cried, “Analisa, please don’t cry, we can work this out.” I sigh and took a deep breath before I opened the door and was face to face with Gerard again, who was leaning against the door frame. I just stood up and looked at him with my teary eyes. He stood up straight and walked closer to me, my first instinct was to move back and that’s way I did. He gave me a confused face and took another step, “Why are you walking away Analisa?”

“Because I do not know how you feel Gerard and I am not going to jump right in your arms when you possibly do not love me,” I told him guarding my heart. That was what I had to protect now. I could not let my heart rip anymore than it already has.

“I was confused this morning Analisa, but believe me I do love you,” he told me but something still wasn’t right. I shook my head and walked towards the window.

“What is happening to us Gerard? How did we get here?” I asked more myself then him. I heard him walk towards me and touch my back lightly. I jumped a little and looked over at him. I saw the hurt in his eyes and I knew that we were falling apart and all because of one girl. One girl was ripping us apart and taking everything from us. My eyes start to water and everything was blurry, just like the future. Nothing was for certain now; I had no idea what was ahead of us or even if we would face it together, “I think we stood stay in separate rooms…”

“Is this what you really want Ana, cause if it is, I will stay in Mikey’s room,” I heard hope in his voice that I will change my mind, but I had no idea what I was feeling anymore. Things were just so crazy that I never got a chance to stop and breath. I looked up at him and knew I need at least one night to myself, just one night to figure things out. I nodded a yes to his answer which followed by a sigh. He kissed my head lightly and then headed out of the room, and possibly my heart.