Where Do I Begin? All I Know Is Gone

“Hey guys, welcome to a special undercover edition of Bullet TV!” Padge’s voice called out from the tinny computer speakers. Not that it was anything out of the ordinary, but he and Matt, who was also in shot, were dressed entirely in black – I’m talking black shoes with black laces, black hats pulled down low over their faces.. I wouldn’t have put it past them to be wearing black underwear too, really – and generally looking sketchy.

“We have a conspiracy theory to investigate!” Did Matt really just pull out some *spirit fingers* ??? “One of our friends has an aunt that swears the York Minster has scaffolding up around it every time she’s visited the city. So we’re heading there to see if it’s actually just always there, or if someone has a vendetta out against her.”

The guys are scurrying down a street in dim light, probably not long after dawn, acting like they were ninjas or something, it was quite comical really. I was almost expecting one or other to pull out some weird symbolic hand gestures or go jumping across the bonnet of a car, they even had the Mission:Impossible theme song playing throughout the montage! But soon enough they were round a corner and the Minster was the focus of the frame. One full wall, completely free of any obvious restoration attempts.

“Well there you go folks, absolute proof of a conspiracy!” Matt’s doing some over exaggerated pointing and gaping at the clear stone façade before Padge calms him to whisper something in his ear. “Um, well… I guess we should probably check the rest of the perimeter before we declare this investigation a complete success,” he shrugs. The camera pans around to show Padge and cameraman Jay rolling their eyes at him.

Rounding the first corner results in another round of proclamation from Matt as Padge keeps dragging him towards the back of the church, freezing in place as soon as they reach the apex of the next bend. Padge’s hands go to his face while Matt’s are spread in the air, absolute silence surrounding them as Jay slowly creeps past them to see what has them in such a state. Inch by inch he moves, and of course the bastards have slowed down the footage so each frame feels an eternity before jumping forward to show a section of framework and white sheeting halfway down the wall. As the shot slowly falls to the grass, eventually fading to black, Padge can be heard, “Sorry, no injustice here.”

Of course the first thing I do is whip out my phone, blurting out, “I can’t believe you guys are such huge dorks!” as soon as the line is answered.

“Love you too Justy!” Jay’s voice rings out unexpectedly. “Loverboy’s just out having a smoke, so you can entertain me for a few.”

Rolling my eyes at his never ending subtlety I had to get a dig in myself. “Isn’t that Adam’s job? Being your bitch?”

“Touche,” he chuckled back. “So I guess you saw it then.”

“Indeed. Masterful camerawork I must say. You should quit music and go into film.”

“You know I thought about it,” he hummed, “But then I realised I wouldn’t be able to tease you and Padge in person every day and it felt like my life would have no true meaning. Oi, fuck off, I’m talking to her. Wait your turn Romeo.” That last part was half muffled as he apparently tussled with Padge over the phone.

It took about twenty seconds before another voice appeared, Padge seemingly overpowering his bassist and still battling to get his breath back, but the sounds of a scuffle remained for a little longer. Some thumping and the swish of a curtain being drawn signalled the man I’d called to talk to had escaped up to his bunk. “How long did he torture you?” was the first real sentence he got out.

“Not as long as he’s been torturing you. Was one of his tamer conversations actually.” It had only been a week, but nearly every day Jay had some aside to add, in various levels of lewdness. Today’s barely even blipped the radar. “But anyway… I’m sure you know why I called.”

It was like I could hear him ducking his head as he let out a small laugh, probably scrunching up his nose a little while he was at it. “Yea. What did you think?”

“You’re all complete dorks, but I love you so much for doing it. My aunt will probably be disappointed, though I’m not sure I should really let her watch it and admit to knowing the idiots involved. Oh, very subtle with the ‘injustice’ line by the way. As if anyone who had any clue wouldn’t pick up on that. How long had you been planning it?”

“The video, pretty much since you mentioned it. I only told the guys the plan a couple days ago. And the line was actually a last minute light bulb moment. I asked them to edit it out, but you know Jay and his schemes.”

“Unfortunately. Oh god, I just got an email from Ian-age laughing at how pathetically co-dependant we apparently are. He even attached a picture of the guys in the studio watching it. Why do we have such crappy friends?”