We're Going Live

I stared, my gut vibrating in time with my heart. All the hair on my arms and neck stood on end, rigid goose bumps appearing on my skin like sand paper. My breathing began to get shaky and I fell sick to my stomach, my bottom lip quivering.

I didn’t understand what was going through his mind. Mikey was his brother.

“No, babe, I can explain!” Gerard called, tumbling down the stairs after me. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and turned into the kitchen, trying to find a reasonably clean mug so I could have a drink of water, “Doll, please –let me do it-“ Gerard began, reaching out to take the glass from my hand.

“Just don’t touch me,” I told him quickly stepping away.

“Dolly please, I’m sorry, I can explain. Just listen to me. I’m sorry. It was just a one time thing!” he persisted, trying to pull me into a hug. I pushed away and dodged past him, feeling too closed him with him trying to touch me and hug me and talk to me. I stumbled back into the bedroom instead, my heart folding and constricting when I saw the screen had changed to Mikey on his own, walking mindlessly around the room in a bath towel.

My hand started to trembled, water dribbling over the edge of the glass. I dropped it shakily, the glass clunking on his thread bare rug as I stared bewilderedly at the screen, tears collecting at my top lip.

“Fuck,” Gerard muttered, from behind me.

I just whimpered, unable to do anything else. My heart had moved to my ears and my feet were slowly getting soaked by the water on the floor. I wiped my eyes again and again, hating the warm pools of water slowly dribbling over the edge of my eyes. Gerard said nothing, just stared at the television screen like the devil it’s self was spawning.

“Why?” I asked, my face crumpling, “What about when Charlie grows up huh? When he finds trash like this? When he finds that his own father has filmed his uncle. When he finds out that you raped another man when he was younger?” I asked, my top lip curling into a snarl, “What’re you going to tell him then?” I continued when he didn’t answer, “Can’t think of anything?” I scoffed.

“I’ll tell him the truth,” Gerard stuttered, his face reddening.

“That’ll be a first,” I spat, shoving past him.

“And the truth is, is that I love you!” he called hopefully as I walked down the stairs, “And that when people love each other they’re supposed to forgive each other!” he added, from the top of the stairs, his voice trembling.

“Yeah, and when I forgive you for this –what else shall I forgive you for? I don’t know how many more times I can forgive you Gerard, you have driven me insane. I can’t think anymore, I can’t eat. How many more times is this going to happen?”

“No more, I promise baby –please,” he promised, rushing down the stairs and covering my hand so I couldn’t open the door, “No more, honest,” he murmured, dropping to his knees and taking my hands, “I promise baby doll, it’ll be smooth from here on in, please, forgive me,” he said, pushing the crown of his head into my stomach.

“I’ll ring you tomorrow, I need to just clear my head. Alright? Look after Charlie,” I told him, pulling away gently.

“You’re leaving me aren’t you? You’ll say you’ll come back but then you won’t,” he said, clutching me desperately.

“No, I will be back, but I need some time. Just by myself, I wanna think. I can’t think here,” I told him, trying to push his head seeing as he was nuzzling into my stomach.

“I’ll crawl on my hands and knees after you, I can’t live without you!” he whimpered.

“I’m not leaving you!” I said, wriggling away.

“You are! You’re walking away from me! That’s leaving me,” he said, “Then you’ll ring Mikey and he’ll ruin everything, I don’t want you to like Mikey better than me,” he said. It sounded like a childish thing to say by the way he said it was nerve clamping.

“No he won’t. I won’t. I’m just going to be with my m-mum for the night,” I began, stuttering slightly, “I’m coming back y’know?” I said, blinking rapidly to rid myself of warm tears trespassing in my eyes. He sobbed into my thigh, his shirt clad shoulders moving sporadically up and down, “Gee, come on, you need time to, just so we can both think for a little bit, yeah?-“

“-I love you, please, please, please, please,” he sobbed. I pushed my hands against his cheeks and he fell back with a silent thud.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow?” I told him, pulling my converse on.