We're Going Live

I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t extremely angry. I felt completely emotionless, like a brainless doll. I felt like that’s all I was. I had no brain, I was just a walking, talking, breathing thing. A toy. The only time I felt alive was when Gerard was being nice, he was like a life support machine.

I sighed and flopped down backwards on the park bench. I glanced at the pond, remembering the time when Gerard was nice and caring. I fiddled with the hem of my shirt, feeling the need to burst into tears. I stared at my feet instead, each droplet of hot tear forming my jeans to darken. After a while the sun went down, alike my head. I was shakily crying by the time the street lights blinked on and a cold wind blew around.

“Ren?”

I brought my head up and my brow furrowed at the sight of Mikey.

“What… what’re you doing here?” I gulped, wiping my face, “Gee told me you were in Italy?” I asked, sitting up and snivelling.

“I did but I… I couldn’t be bothered. I’ve just come back from the airport now. I don’t think I’d be able to do anything there anyway, my grandma would just want to know how Gerard was doing. And I’m not exactly an expert on that. But, right now, I’m more concerned with why you’re out in the dark, wearing a pyjama top when it’s blatantly freezing,” he said, dragging his suitcase to where I was sitting.

“I can’t even remember my name, let alone what I’m doing,” I sniffed, watching as he popped over his suitcase and took out one of his neatly folded hoodies and slung it around my shoulders, “Thanks.”

“You were turning blue,” he chuckled. I chuckled weakly along with him, my eyes still burning as I stared out at the now glistening pond. The insides of my stomach twisted and my fingers felt numb from cold. But still, I couldn’t help but cry again, that’s all I could do. I didn’t let Mikey notice though, I looked down, so my hair shielded my face. Then my shoulders began to stalk up and down uncontrollably, even though I tried to hide it.

My nose was all bunged up, my eyes felt puffy, my lips felt dry and the inside of my throat was painful with the way my tongue was pressing up against the back of it.

“Gerard told me you didn’t want to talk to me. I rang, whilst you were at school. I was gonna come and pick you up, but I thought I’d done that before and it seemed too stalker like…” he trailed off, noticing I was crumpling.

I felt so attention seeking, but I had that building feeling that I just couldn’t stop crying. Even though I tried to, it just got stuck in my throat and came up as a big sob. I felt like I was crippled, my stomach muscles hurt so much from trying to keep it in and I find myself nearly sub consciously sliding off the side of the bench. I scrunched myself away from Mikey, feeling undeserving of how nice he was being.

“No, come here, come on,” he said, pulling me up so I was leaning on his shoulders, loud throaty sobs fall down my throat and some how coming out of my mouth.

I was so scared it hurt, I was scared that even though Mikey was comforting me nothing was working. Like when you take to much of medicine, it just doesn’t work anymore. Mikey held me like he was human straight jacket.

“Come on, you need to focus on something, you’re hyperventilating, come on, look at me,” he paused and grabbed my chin so I was forced to look at him, “Just focus, look, what’re you so worried about huh? Just give me a hug yeah? Forget Gee, forget everything,” he murmured, rubbing slowly up and down my back.

“I feel so,” I snuffled loudly into his jacket, “S-stupid!” I cried.

“No, you’re not stupid, just young,” he sighed.

“I am not young,” I snivelled.

“Yes you are, Ren, you were seventeen when you met Gee, you need a good life, a life that means when you get home you’re not going to have to worry about everything. Now calm down and regulate your breathing for me, so we can walk back to my house-“

“-No, I-I’m not going to your house! I’m going to mine, I mean Gerard’s,” I sniffed.

“Yes you are,” he said, “Just come back to my place, stay the night, have a good breakfast, a shower. You’ll be fine, come on!” he said, I tried to pull away, my thoughts mangled.

“No, I don’t wanna, Mikey let go, I don’t want to go back with you, let me go,” I ordered, struggling away from him, “No really, I’m fine, just leave me be, I’m gonna go home Mikey,” I said, trying to walk away from him. Mikey grabbed my hand and tried to pull me the other way.

“No Ren, come here, you’re not really thinking straight-“

“-I am!” I intercut, my head spinning a little as he propped me up against the inside of an alley way to try and keep me upright.

“No, you’re not. Ren look at me, if you feel weird about staying at my house just don’t worry about it. Yeah? I mean we don’t even have to sleep in the same bed-“ I intercut.

“No, Mikey, stop you’re not listening…” I muttered, trying to walk away from him.

“What? You wanna sleep in the same bed? Really? Okay… I mean, if you want to, I don’t mind,” he smiled, tucking his arm around my shoulders and trying to lead me back in the direction of his house.

“Mikey back off! I want to go home, not your home!” I practically shouted.

“W-what’d you mean?” he asked, sounding wounded.

“Mikey, no, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that but you won’t listen, so just… I’ll call you, alright?” I said, turning on my heel and trying to walk down the street.

“Hey! If you think I’m letting you go back to his house then you’re sorely mistaken. I mean I-’m not stupid. He’s just gonna yell at you? Why don’t you just come back with me I’m not exactly gonna do anything?” he called.

“Mikey I said I’m sorry just leave it!” I yelled back over my shoulder, beginning to jog.

“What the fuck?! You’re just going to willingly run back to him!” he shouted, I didn’t reply, just continued to jog, “Alright fine! Walk back into his fucking arms! I was gonna offer you a warm bed and meaningful sex but no! Don’t fucking ignore me!” he bellowed, running after me.

“I’m not gonna have sex with you!” I hissed, wrenching my arm away when he tried to grab it.

“What? It was that bad before? You wanna get chucked off the edge of cliffs whilst he rapes you? Huh? You like that kinda stuff?” he spat.

“You know what? Fuck you Mikey! Just leave me alone and stop insulting everything I do and calling me young! Just fuck off!” I hissed.

“Oh, for Christ sakes I was that bad? Just because I don’t screw like Gerard I’m suddenly worthy for you to tell me to fuck off?” he asked, his cheeks flaring.

“It’s got nothing to do with sex, just leave me alone! I’m not even gonna go back to his I’m gonna go back to my mum’s house. I’m sorry okay, I’m sorry me and you didn’t work out like you wanted but you have got to fucking stop this and let me get on with what I want to do! Just let me make my own choices? Please?”

“Well make the right choice and come back with me. Listen, okay? We can take things slow, couple glasses of wine and then an early night. I’ll make it good, I swear I will,” he murmured, coming closer and trying to move in to kiss me flush on the lips. I shoved him in the stomach, trembling fearfully beneath my skin. Then, I ran.