We're Going Live

It was terrible. The way I felt so smothered, so thick. Like I was drowning in slimy sea water with sopping blankets surrounding me. I felt like I was choking and I kept literally choking. I knew Mikey liked it but hated it. If anything that just made it worse because the whole thing was dragged out for what felt like ever.

The lights were lightly dimmed in Mikey’s room and Rob was just lounging round like it was his own palace.

“I’m so sorry,” Mikey panted, sounding most unconvincing. Pressure grew under my eyes and I just tried to pretend it was just me and Mikey, on our own. Instead of a set of beady eyes surveying the whole scene.

I thought I was actually go to die. Like my head was going to explode. I even started to like I was about to have a nose bleed from all the pressue.

Then, suddenly, like some one was actually listening and reading my thoughts the front door knocked loudly and Rob scrabbled up, tucking his shirt back in and trying to conceal his flushed face and obvious problems. I let a small sob through my throat when I pulled my head back and colapsed against Mikey knees instead, my shoulder shaking tiredly with weak crys.

I spat onto the floor, wiping my sweaty palms on my shirt. Feeling Mikey collapse against the wall, his toes curling into the floorboards.

“I don’t want to anymore,” I sobbed desperately, sniffing loudly as Mikey slid down the wall and pushed his forehead to mine, “I don’t want to, I hate him, I hate him,” I repeated,my brow wrinkling against his.

“One more minute yeah? I swear, I’ll think about anything to get it over with I just keep remembering where I am and then-“ Mikey suddenly got cut off by a lot of banging around and cursing from outside in the hall way.

“I didn’t tell the fucking cops anything!” Gerard suddenly bellowed out in the hallway.

My heart bound and leapt when Gerard ran into the bedroom. He looked skinny, pale, lanky. He had a pair of ripped jeans on and the shirt he was wearing the night he’d been arrested.

“Rob!?” Gerard yelled, “What the fuck? Why can’t you leave my family out of everything I do huh?” he shouted, picking me up like I was a five year old and wrapping his free arm around Mikey’s neck. Mikey looked like as much of a kid as I did, only a crown of fluffy blond hair visible from him burying his face into Gerard’s arm.

I suppose I could say Gerard smelt horrible, sweaty and dirty. But I was past caring, he still had that faint, musky, bed clothes smell on him. He was still Gerard, the Gerard that hugged too tightly and always had to wind his ankle round mine.

“Rob just leave us all alone. I need to go and get my baby and leave, you got that –I’m in no mood for being fucked up the ass by you!” Gerard hissed, obviously trying to think of a plan to get away from being found by the police

I knew we were all acting on impulse, but, right then, it didn’t matter.

I didn’t even know where we were going, but, for some annoying and probing reason it almost got me excited. Not quite enough though, I was still worried beyond imagination. You don’t think running away would be as bad until you have to do it. I remember if I had had an argument with my parents I’d pack a pathetic rucksack filled with paper and drawing pencils and decide I was ‘running away’.

Only I’d usually meet dad at the front door and he’d say something incredibly annoying like ‘It’s awfully cold out there,’ and open the front door to let me see how scary and horrible it was, then I’d step out and he’d say, ‘Such a shame, I was going to read you a story, but if you really want to.’

“Doll?”

I shot out of my mind quickly, not realising I had this terribly sad frown attached to my eyebrows. Gerard tucked my hair behind my ear quickly and kissed my now visible forehead, his lips feeling chapped and dry against my it.

“I know it’s not nice having to move around so much, but I thought of where we can go –so don’t worry yourself, yeah?” he said, kissing my forehead again. Rob looked somewhat outraged, but too defeated at the same time. He twisted his hand around mine, his other trapped around a suitcase handle, “Rob, I hate you and I wish never to meet you again –so fuck off out of this house now,” he ordered, holding Mikey’s bedroom door open, “Now!” he barked.

Rob stomped around the bed and halted at Gerard before giving him a large, face cracking smack that made me cringe and tears come to my own eyes. Gerard just straightened up and pointed to the hallway, slamming Mikey’s bedroom door as soon as their bodies weren’t visible.

Mikey was fiddling with the draw string of his pyjama bottoms, looking like a lost lamb.

“Mikes, we gotta get out of here so-“

“-What? I thought,” Mikey swallowed, his usually sharp eyes seeming bleary, “I thought I’d be coming?” he whispered the last part, tear rolling down his cheeks. Seeing Mikey cry made my stomach flip and crawl and I couldn’t help but shuffle over to him and wrap my arms around his waist, worrying that he hated me when he didn’t return it.

“Mikey,” Gerard began, gently moving me out of the way and wrapping his own arms around Mikey’s neck, “I want you to come but the police will come here straight away for Ren when they find out that I’m not at my own house,” he murmured, “We both just need to lie low for a few weeks, don’t cry eh?” he whispered, I sat down on the bed, watching Gerard trying to coax Mikey into some kind of stable mind set, “Drive us to mom’s yeah? Stay at her’s tonight,” he murmured, rocking back and fourth on his heels.

I thought Mikey had calmed down but as soon as he pulled away again he just burst into these gulping fresh tears, his feet in turned and his arms folded across his chest. This time Gerard looked like he didn’t know what to do, so he left the room, saying he was going to get food.

“Mikey?” I asked. He said nothing, “Mikes?” I asked again, this time getting up and trying to hug him. It didn’t work as well as Gerard though, I had to stand on tip toes to talk to him, “I want you to come with us to,” I said, “I don’t even know where I’m going, but when I find out I’ll give you a buzz kay?” I promised.