We're Going Live

“Gerard?” I questioned, watching as he crammed most out clothes into a dark green dusty suitcase. We were back at his house and he refused to explain, “Gee, please? Answer me? Why did we just have to leave Mikey? Gee come one!” I said, my voice muffled as he shoved my old grey sweatshirt over my head, “Gee-“ he kissed me quickly, attempting to quieten me.

“I can’t tell you. If a situation comes up where I get away and you don’t, I can’t have you knowing where I am because they’ll get it out of you Doll face,” he murmured, pulling his own shirt over his head so he didn’t have to carry as much.

“But you know I won’t tell,” I said, running with him as he dragged me down the hall towards the bathroom, “You can trust me!” I persisted, watching him grab handfuls of medicine and even toilet roll.

“I know I can trust you darling, that’s why I’m gonna give you this for a little bit because I’m gonna be carrying the suitcase,” he said, closing the bathroom and locking it quickly, looking paranoid that some one was watching, “Come here,” he said, sitting down on the toilet seat and pulling me in between his legs so I was perching on his thigh, “Now, listen, if something comes to the worst…” he trailed off and reached into the back of his trouser, pulling out a Deluxe 9mm.

“Oh god, what? I don’t think I could shoot anyone,” I said as he hooked his arm around my waist and pushed it into my lap.

“It’s easy, just pull that bit back and pull the trigger, yeah? Just in case,” he murmured against my neck. I opened my mouth to speak but he took advantage quickly, his lips feeling dry against mine, “Just in case baby-“ he jumped when the front door knocked loudly. He put the gun on safety and pushed it down the back of my jeans, letting my shirt cover the handle.

Panic coursed through my limbs and my veins became tangled as the door suddenly banged again, officers yelling from outside. I grabbed Gerard’s hand, trying to push my face into his neck. He pushed me back gently, whilst using his free hand to open the window silently.

“I’m gonna get down and I’m gonna want you to jump okay Doll? I’ll catch you, honest,” he murmured, chucking the suitcase from the window. He clambered up onto the sink, disappearing from view as he scrabbled down. I heaved myself up onto the window ledge, watching him plop down onto next doors roof. Then, I started to feel sick, I didn’t know if I was going to be able jump. I wavered on the window ledge, staring down at Gerard’s leading face.

“Doll, please! Just jump we gotta get outa here!” Gerard hissed, beckoning with his hand. I scrabbled down on next doors roof like Gerrad had done before posing myself at the edge, clenching my fists over and over again, “Look I’ll count okay? On three!”

One.

Two.

Three.

I fell down into next doors yard, tucking my shoulders in so I could give myself an easier landing by rolling. Gerard grabbed everything, including my hand and started to run. I could never be as fast as him when I needed to be. It’s like when he really wanted something, he could run as fast as Superman.

“Gee, where are we going?” I panted, the palm of my hand beginning to sweat as continued to run.

“We’re gonna go to the house,” he said, stopping and leaning against the wall, resting his hands on his knees, “The house in Newark woods yeah? Like home away home honey,” he chuckled, trying to laugh it off, “Listen, we can’t say goodbye to Charlie… we, we just don’t have time baby, we’ll see him in a few weeks-“ Gerard stopped and ran his hand through his hair, “I’m sorry, we just don’t have time,” he murmured, wiping a tear from under my eye.

“But he misses you still,” I sniffed, “What if he never gets to see you again-?”

“-Hey, shh, he will, couple weeks right? Not long. In a couple weeks we’ll be back together as normal. You’ll see,” he murmured, kissing my forehead twice, “And he’s gonna grow up. We’re gonna see him take his first steps and he’s gonna learn new words. Then he’ll be going to school. And then when I’m all old and grey he’ll be getting married and having his own kids and… and then we’ll just go on. Forever, together.”

We walked speedily through the field, my arm slotted around his waist and his arm hooked around my hips. I knew that no one could see us, but I still felt paranoid. Gerard moved his hand so it was slipped down the back of my jeans, keeping his fingers around the gun. I hate that tingling feeling of anticipation slipping up and down my body with even the slightest of movement.

Gerard was humming silently under his breath, sometimes stopping in the middle of a note from being out of breath. He actually took the gun out when we were in woods, keeping it posed up like he was about to cop some one in the head.

“Gee,” I murmured, “I hate this,” I continued, nibbling on my lip to stop myself from crying.

“I hate this too,” he replied, twisting his hand in mine.

Gerard clamped his hands around my hips tightly, the cold metal of the gun pressing into my hips bone like an ice cube. Wobbling along the roof made my stomach twist even more, even though I could feel Gerard pressed against my back, his shallow breath falling over my neck. I scrunched my own hands in his shirt, jumping hapharzardly into the open attack.

“What?” I asked when Gerard chuckled lightly and followed me through.

“You’ve always needed me to help you go down,” he said, scratching the back of his neck, “Guess I’m not needed in that department anymore,” he chuckled lowly, his eyebrows furrowing, “I really do just manage to fuck things up -don’t I?” he asked, looking at the floor his lips drawn into a tight line.

“N-no, of course not,” I replied, wondering whether I meant it or not.

“If the police catch me again -and you… I’m not going back to the prison,” he said like he had decided it, “I’d rather kill myself than go back there,” he murmured. I swallowed and busied myself with looking around. It brought back horrible memories. The bed clothes were crumpled and dragging onto the floor. Dead, brown blood staining the sheets along with numerous other stains and the long forgotten rope was chucked carelessly on the side table. I watched him walk over and pick it up, stroking the rope like it was a puppy.

“Fun night, eh?” he chuckled weakly, meaning the one all those months back.

“You could say that,” I muttered, sitting back down on the suitcase. His gaze shot upwards, realising the venom in my voice.

“I was only kidding with you? You know that right Dolly? That night we were here, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I was just playing a funny game, y’know?” he said, smiling.

And then, I realised.

He was crazy, a pure utter madman living in a world of flying carpets and candy floss trees. I know, people may think it’s niave to only realise that now. But you wouldn’t have guessed it either.

“Kidding?” I questioned, remembering the knives, the rope, the screaming the yelling and the cutting.

“I don’t understand, what is it you’re doing? How come you’ve goddamn tied me and tried to gag me!” I cried, moving my shoulder blades to back up my statement, “My ankles really hurt, can’t you let me go?”

“Y’know what I’ve wanted since I met you?” he asked, once again ignoring me. I cried and fell sideways into the pillow, “I’ve wanted a piece of you. Sex was hopeless, sure it was good at the time… the intensity, the feeling of your skin against mine, the sounds you made, the way you said my name… boy, it drove me crazy. But I wanted more of you,” he said, pulling the bottle to his lips and swallowing.

“Gerard, this doesn’t make any sense to me! I don’t get whatever you’re talking about –you’re not making any sense, please just tell me what you want and stop ignoring me!” I cried, he opened his mouth, obviously about to completely blank me again, “Don’t ignore me!” I screamed, sobbing into my hair, getting the locks of hair in front of my face covered in spit, snot and tears.

"Yeah?" Gerard smiled, his eyes filled with childish innocence, "Even if I had to kill you I wouldn't want to hurt you."