We're Going Live

It must have been late afternoon when Gerard woke me up with a small shake. It had taken us all so long yesterday to get to sleep, it wasn’t much of a surprise. My thigh had a hand shaped purple mark on it which was Gerard was tracing with his finger. I leant my head in my arms, staring at the duvet wall of mine and Gerard’s den.

“Does it hurt?” Gerard murmured.

“A little,” I whispered, turning my head to see him. He was propped up on his elbow, his hair tucked solidly behind his ears only a stray piece falling across his face.

“I’m sorry for hitting you, I’m bad, you can hit me back, I don’t care if you want to burn off my nasty hands,” he said, making me chuckle at the absurdness, “No really,” he smiled sadly. We fell silent, both of us momentarily forgetting about Mikey.

“Should I go check if Mikey’s okay? He’s been in a foul state all week,” I sighed, letting Gerard tangle his hand in my hair. I hoped mentioning Mikey wouldn’t set him off again and luckily it didn’t, he replied calmly without a hint of sarcasm.

“I’m going to leave him to wake up on his own,” Gerard murmured, “He’ll just be whining like a kitten if he wakes up, it’s easier if he’s asleep,” he said, kissing my forehead, “I need to come up with a way to get him to hospital and a plausible story to tell them.”

I sighed, about to roll over when Gerard stopped me, indicating to my bruise which I wouldn’t be able to lie on without it hurting.

“Careful,” he chuckled weakly, twisting his hand in mine, “Maybe we should wake Mikey up?” Gerard sighed, contradicting himself. The features of his face pressing into my back as I nodded slightly “Other wise he won’t sleep all night,” he mumbled, kissing the crook in my back, “I’m sorry Doll, I’m sorry I’ve been sucha a prick its just the thought that I’ve really hurt him,” Gerard whimpered, his hands coming down to my stomach.

“I know Gee, I knew that, I really did but I didn’t want to say anything. It’s not your fault though Gee, it’s just… how things turned out, it’s not you fault though,” I murmured, rolling onto my back whilst curling my toes into the warm duvet.

“I’ve spent my whole life looking after him and now after ne stupid night I’ve fucked everything up, even when I was a kid I’d look after him. Even when I was a kid”

“No Milky bar it’s spelt G-e-r-a-r-d, not G-e-r-a-d!” A ten year old Gerard protested in annoyance, printing his name in capitols, “See? It’s an AR!” He exclaimed, handing Mikey back his wobbly paragraph on ‘Who I love most.’

Mikey poked his tongue out, looking at his paragraph and the big capitol ‘R’s’ Gerard had implanted wherever his name came about.

“Don’t worry though! I used to spell it like that-“

“-Come on boys, out the car!” Donna smiled cheerfully, “Daddy will pick you both up later to go to the dentists yes?” she smiled, her face dropping slightly when she saw Mikey’s bottom lip begin to wobble, “Oh Mikey be a big brave boy yes? Dentists aren't that scart” she smiled, watching as her eldest crawled out of the car and trotted round to Mikey’s door, “What’re you going to be?” she asked him.

“A- A big brave boy,” Mikey cried as Gerard opened the car door.

“It’s okay Milky bar, I’ll be there, you’ve never ever had to have a filling –I’ve had to have two already and it’s not big deal!” Gerard smiled cheerfully, cuddling Mikey round his skinny neck, “And it doesn’t even hurt! I’ll give you my ‘well done’ sticker if you do it right!” he continued, making Mikey grin slightly.

“Really? But they gots, I mean, but they got Star Wars ones now!” Mikey exclaimed hopefully, plopping out of the car whilst looking adoringly up at Gerard.

“Yeah, but you like Star Wars better than me, I like X-men because I’m big now,” Gerard quickly clarified, turning red at the strange stares he received from a few of the other boys from holding his younger brother’s hand all the way up to the school door.

“I like X-men too!” Mikey copied, his nose being filled with the smell of poster paint and children as the walked the length of the hall.

Gerard smiled fondly and led Mikey to his teacher smiling happily up at the bronzed haired old woman with a warm looking cream cardigan. After he’d had a very intellectual talk about how he had all different kinds of pencils that went darker and lighter, he asked Mikey where all his friends were.

“I don’t like anyone, they all like fighting and I can’t fight very well,” Mikey mumbled back, clinging to his older brother’s hand hopefully, “Why don’t you stay here?”

“My class starts in a couple of minutes, lets go and sit you over there, they look okay see? The one who’s by the red table see?”

“Er!” the younger boy screeched when Mikey neared, “I hate you Mikey Gay!” he said, making Mikey’s cheeks flare as he clung to his brother. Gerard fell confused with whether gay was a bad thing or not, he decided quickly then and there that it was terrible considering it was making his baby brother cry again.

“Go over there Mikey,” Gerard ordered, looking over his shoulder quickly before shoving the younger boy round the corner and grabbing him but the scruff of the neck like they did in X-men, “You better watch out,” he hissed, using his favourite bit of X-men, “If you’re not careful I’ll retract my claws and put them in your stomach, got that?” he asked in a venomous tone, pushing the younger boy in the stomach with his own podgy fist.

“Y-yes?” the younger boy squeaked.

“Good!” Gerard spat, letting him go before trotting over towards his brother, who had settled to look at a book in the corner of the room, “I gotta go to my class now Milky Bar,” Gerard smiled, crouching down.

“But… but what if he comes back again?” Mikey asked worriedly, putting his book by the scuffed pair of Gerard’s old converse he was wearing.

“They won’t stupid, give me your hands, I’ll lend you my powers for the day okay?” Gerard said, taking Mikey’s cold purpling hands in his and making a humming sound under his tongue, “Now you have my powers!” Gerard lied, grinning again before standing up, “See you later Milky Bar,” Gerard murmured, blowing him a small kiss by cocking his fingers into the shape of a gun and shooting it at the younger Way. Mikey clutched his heart in mock being shot and grinned back.

Gerard suddenly chuckled lightly, his eyes creasing in the corners. I looked at him, asking him with my eyes why he was laughing.

“I used to call Mikey, Milky Bar,” he grinned, cuddling into my chest, “Sometimes I wonder where I went so wrong, I was always a bit weird but… I just, what happened to me?” he sighed.

I didn’t answer, I just lay there, swallowing occasionally.

“Hey Doll? I’m gonna go wake Mikey up so I can say sorry, I might be a bit longer if he lets me cuddle with him,” Gerard said, “I’ll be back later to say my goodbyes,” Gerard murmured.

“What?” I asked, turning to him, his head still propped under the duvet, “Goodbye?”

“I’m gonna stay here whilst you to hospital with Mikey, I’ll think up something later but either way we might not get to see each other for a little bit,” he murmured, pecking me on the lips. He put the duvet back down and I nuzzled into the pillow, breathing the Gerard smell in.

“Mikey?” I heard Gerard murmur, “Mikes wake up, I wanna say sorry, Mikey?” Gerard asked, the sound of panic in his voice, “Oh my god! Mikey -wake up!” Gerard suddenly shouted. I quickly pulled my head out from under the duvet, watching as Gerard prodded Mikey in the shoulder, tears and snot streaming down his face.

Mikey was laying face down in the pillow, only his pale back visible. Gerard went to shake him but stopped and pulled back, thinking better of it.

I felt a lump the size of Russia fill my throat like flood gates. I felt tears pulsating behind my eyes, I felt a rat begin to burrow deep inside my stomach.

“Mikey wake up, wake up!” Gerard screamed, sobbing into the younger Way’s back, “Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!” he screamed in a strangled manner, “I killed my brother!” he sobbed, tears pouring hotly down his cheeks as I stood there, my mouth beginning to drop, “Mikey wake up!” Gerard sobbed, “Wake up Mikey!” he continued, shaking the Mikey’s hand. I covered my mouth with my hand a sob escaping me.

Gerard picked up Mikey’s arm and let it drop limply before he screamed, letting his head drop back and his fall limply to his knees.

“No!” he sobbed, a strangled scream emitting from him again, “Not my Mikey, why?” he began to wail, letting his head roll forward onto Mikey’s back, “Why? Why? Why?” he wailed, un able to even say things as words anymore.

My throat cracked and sobs fell from my own lips, my knees feeling week as my safety net crumpled and I fell down, down, down into the depths of destruction. I looked up through bleary eyes, watching as Gerard attacked everything he saw, chucking things around the room, punching the wall screaming. Spit flew everywhere, his eye blood shot and red. I tried to grab his arm, I tried to pull him toward sme.

“Don’t touch me Doll! I don’t deserve you! I’m going,” he cried, “I’m leaving, I can’t do this, I want us all to be together, I need us all to be together, we’re a family!” Gerard sobbed, reaching underneath his pillow and taking his gun, pushing it down his trousers, “I’m going, Im leaving, I won’t hurt anyone else, I can’t!” he sobbed, his top lip snarling as he hoisted himself up onto the roof.

“No Gerard!” I screamed, “Come back, come back!” I yelled, tears pouring down my cheeks. I fisted my hair, sobbing into my nears, my throat cracking and the feeling of wood being jammed down my throat filling my mouth. Nausea waved over my stomach and I choked, sobbing harder as I pulled myself up.

I fell next to Mikey, gathering him up in my arms, sobbing into his warm skin.

“Oh god Mikey please, wake up please,” I sobbed hard, my stomach convulsing as I sobbed into his chest, my finger nails scraping along her stomach, “Mikey, I love you, you know I do? Gerard’s gone, I don’t what to do, you have to wake up Mikey,” I cried, “You gotta tell me what to do!” I screamed, tears staining my face.

“…Hmph?” a groan suddenly emitted from the back of Mikey’s throat and I threw my head up.

“Oh my god, Mikey, Mikey!” I yelled, unable to stop myself from giving him a peck on the lips, a grateful, hurried one that made his breathing heavier.

“What’s happening?” he asked groggily, coughing under his breath.

“Mikey wake up. Wake up, Look at me!” I said, slapping his cheeks, “Why didn’t you wake up! I thought you were dead, I thought you were dead!” I repeated, shaking his shoulders.

“Sleeping pills remember?” he groaned, “Dead? Not me, where’s Gerard?” he asked, wincing as he saw me.

“Oh my god -Gerard,” I whispered, “Okay, Mikey, stay awake for me okay, just stay awake!” I whispered, clambering off him, “Stay awake, stay awake,” I muttered, tucking my hair behind my ears before giving him another peck. I scrabbled up and vaulted myself up onto the roof.

Adrenaline pumped my system and I scrabbled up onto the roof, surprised to see Gerard just standing on the roof, staring up at the sky, his gun out and his leg bent.

Chapter 45 Part Two

“Gee!” I cried, hobbling along the roof towards him, “Gerard?” I questioned, slowing my jog slightly and swallowing, “Gerard what are you looking at, Mikey’s alive. I just spoke to him, he took too many sleeping pills –that was all, you made a mistake!” I whispered into his chest, feeling his heart beat pulling rapidly at my ear, “Gerard what’s wrong?” I asked.

The whirring of a helicopter filled my ears and I looked up to see one flying above us. Gerard gradually let his head drop, his eyes blaring into mine.

“We’re going live Doll face,” he murmured, suddenly grabbing me around the neck and pulling me so the gun dug into the side of my temple. I screamed loudly, fear flooding throughout my head, my heart, my insides.

“Gerard -no! What’re you doing?!” I screamed, new tears falling down my face as I grabbed his arm and tried to pull him back.

“He’s dead! You die, I die, we’ll be together!” Gerard roared, our hair being pulled upwards as the roar of the helicopter grew closer. He still thought Mikey was dead, I began to correct him when I was interupted.

“Sir, drop you’re weapon!” A voice suddenly yelled, a thick drawl of southern accent coming out. Gerard slowly turned around, the gun still posed to my head, “If you do not drop your weapon I will be forced to shoot you!” the officer yelled.

A man in a police uniform was balancing on the roof, his sunglasses distorting his face. I sobbed harder, trying to pull away from Gerard’s grip.

“And if you motherfuckers shoot me I’ll shoot her!” Gerard screamed dementedly, digging the gun into my skull harder. I yelled and yelled, fear seeping from my eyes in the form of tears, “She will die!” Gerard yelled. My nightdress stuck to my body, fear inching it’s way through every pore and every fibre, emitting small yells every time Gerard fumbled backwards.

“Gerard don’t kill me!” I cried into his arm, “Don’t, don’t please, I’ll do anything. Mikey isn’t even dead Gerard!” I sobbed, the camera from the helicopter filming us.

“I’m always gonna be fucked up Doll! Forever, even when I’m old, I’ll be doing fucked up things because I can’t help it!” he sobbed, “I’m a danger, I’m a danger to everyone! I’ve raped you, I’ve raped men! I went into the fucking forest in the middle of the night and chopped up that French fuckers remains! I’ve gone and masturbated all over Zorro’s burnt face! I’ve sucked off my brother, I’ve tried to make my babysitter eat glass because that’s what The Joker does!” He screamed.

“But it’s not your fault Gerard-“ I began to try and tell him.

“-I’m a fucked up little boy! I’m a mad man! A crazy mother fucker! But now the journey stops here, the ride stops here! The end of the line!” he yelled.

“No Gerard! You can’t kill me, please!? Mikey isn’t dead, we can all be together!”

“No Doll,” Gerard cried, his wet lips brushing my ear, his breath drying the wet patch as he talked, “You know if I don’t do this I’ll get sent back to prison! I’ll be getting bummed up the ass for the rest of my life! It hurts Doll y’know?” he sobbed, “It hurts like when I stole you the first time, you sweat and you shake and all you want to do is push them away!” Gerard cried, his face contorted, “But you chose all this! You chose it all! You could have left me but you didn’t! I don’t have the fucking chance to leave once I’m in prison!” he screamed, the back of his throat cutting and sounding strangled.

“They won’t send you to prison Gee! They’ll make you better, let us be with each other-“

“-And when your blood spills I’ll be shot and we will be with each other!” Gerard roared, our clothes being flung against out bodies from the helicopters wrath, “And all in all we will be together! Whether the fuckers from the lock like it or not! We will! Forever! And as God as my fucking witness I swear I will haunt them until their suffocating deaths, with every bit of remorse I hold!” he bellowed, pulling the safety trigger back on the gun.

“What about Charlie, Charlie needs his dad and his mum!” I screamed, looking towards my left, towards the ground, towards the police officers. Towards their flashing lights and reporters that had seemed to seep from the trees. Towards my family, towards Ricky, towards Donna, Steve, my mum, my dad and Charlie.

Gerard suddenly laughed throatily, screaming at the top of his lungs before fading off into a demented chuckle, his lips pulling against my ear, his heart thudding against my back.

“And once we’re all dead no one will stop us anymore, don’t you get it?” he whispered, his voice the only thing I could hear, “Don’t you get that? No more parents, no more adults, no more police, teachers, hospitals. Just death. Just us. The three of us…” he whispered, “I love you Doll face, forgive me?” he murmured, “Forgive me like you always do, tell me how much you love me before we die,” he murmured, kissing my neck.

I stared forward, my eyes on the rustling trees, the police officers. My eyes fell glassy, my lips curling into a snarl as I looked upwards, my eyes connecting with Gerard’s like we both held some power.

And I suddenly realised I didn't care. I'd be with Gerard, I'd be with Mikey. Althought it sounded crazy Gerard spoke such sense, it seemed like sense. Whether I liked it or not, tonight, everything was going to change.

“I love you,” I murmured, letting him push his lips to mine.

“I love you too Doll.”

Then, as if it were to be never expected and not inevitable.
Bang.

And the silver deluxe fell from Gerard bloody hand as he fell from my grasp and he slipped down the tiles of the roof, his pale face, strewn into one of soft blankness.