We're Going Live

“I feel so stupid!” I sobbed, my shoulders shivering up and down, “I didn’t even know there was a camera and he kept looking at the wardrobe,” I cried, fisting the bed blanket shirt, “Why am I so stupid?! It’s not fair.”

Half the time I didn’t even know who I was trusting, but I knew Charlie would listen. I rubbed my eyes with my free hand, keeping one arm hooked around Charlie’s back so he didn’t fall off my stomach. I didn’t think Mikey would even want to do that -the camera I mean, I didn't think he was like that. For the first time in ages I felt truly alone, Gerard was acting weird around me, I didn’t even want to think Mikey’s name, Charlie couldn’t talk so he was no good, if I told Ricky he’s think I was some great whore, sleeping with Mikey and Gerard.

I didn't mean to though, I really didn't.

Maybe, I was just a big whore. I felt like one. Not that I knew what one felt like.

“Daa…” Charlie murmured, scrunching my shirt in my hands, “Hee…!” he gurgled happily.

He was totally oblivious to everything around him, I found I was jealous of him. He was so care free, I guess I was too before I met Gerard. I rolled over, ignoring Charlie’s blatant ‘Hee, gah, Daa’ protests. He kicked me in annoyance, his chubby fist coming up to grab my cheek.

“Charlie, get off,” I mumbled, closing my own hand around his, “I didn’t even mean to have sex with fucking Mikey,” I cried, more tears pooling hotly in my eyes, “I’ve just managed to fuck everything up in one night,” I muttered, turning my head into my pillow, my bottom lip trembling. I sobbed once, jumping when I felt two arms enclose round my shoulders.

“No you didn’t,” Gerard suddenly mumbled. I hadn't even heard him come in.

I rolled over in his arms, howling disdainfully into his chest. I felt stupid and young -naive young. I couldn’t even give Gerard a proper explanation of why I had done it.

“I’m sorry,” I heaved, trying to catch my breath, “I didn’t mean to-“ I stopped and snuffled into his chest, not being able to let enough air fill my lungs.

“No, no, now come on Doll face, stop crying, get Charlie before he tumbles off the side of the bed,” Gerard chuckled, leaning over me and retrieving him.

“I’m terrible at looking after him and he doesn’t even like me,” I snivelled hopelessly, clenching my eyes closed and pushing my face into Gerard’s neck again.

“He loves you silly but he’s a baby, he likes baby things,” Gerard chuckled, bringing him up between us and pressing his nose to his, “You’ll get the hang of it eventually,” he said, pecking Charlie’s head, “Awh Doll face buck up babe, you're breaking my heart, I hate seeing you all mopey, why don’t I take you out eh? Just the two of us. Or maybe we could go on a holiday, to L.A for a couple days, somewhere sunny?” he murmured, wiping my eyes with the hem of his shirt.

“Sounds nice if we had money,” I mumbled, wiping my nose on the back of my hand. I didn't really know why he wasn't shouting at me, I thought maybe I'd feel better if he did yell at me.

“Well, I wasn’t going to say, but uhm… -close your eyes,” he ordered, I did so quickly, hearing him shuffle around for second, “Open ‘um,” he grinned.

My breath hitched in my throat, watching his fists as he grinned, wiping at my eyes again as he did so.

“Oh my god –Gerard, how’d you get this?” I asked as he handed me two wads of money, “I haven’t seen this much money ever!” I said, blinking my blurry eyes, “How'd you get it?”

“Well, I did a lot of work -didn’t I? Special jobs,” he smiled, “So, we could give Chubs to my mom for a couple days, go to L.A or Vegas. Y’know? Somewhere away from all this. Cheap motel somewhere,” he murmured, pushing my fringe away from my eyes, “Your hairs getting long, it’s nearly down to your bum,” he grinned.

“Only the back,” I mumbled, “We shouldn’t waste your money, we could put some of it aside for a holiday-“ Gerard shook his head.

“No, I spilt it see, this is for the holiday, this is for the boring stuff like paying some bills and maybe a bit of the mortgage, if it stretches that far,” he smiled, pushing it into my hand, "I wanted to suprise you, see, but when you cry like that I feel like some ones trying to shove as iron down my throat, so, I'm going to take you on holiday -get some color back into you."

“Oh jeez, Gerard, I don’t deserve this –keep it for yourself-“

“-No, I worked for you, this is yours, I want you to have it and it’s rude to refuse a gift,” he grinned. I spilt the money roughly in half and handed him the bigger half, pushing it into his pocket so he couldn’t object, “Dolly come here, give me a cuddle,” he ordered, snuggling his nose into the top of my hair, “We’ve had a rough year and a half, we both deserve a holiday –so today, whilst I’m out take Ricky to that newsagents on Brooke Avenue, go pick us a nice place to go and stay –somewhere in the states. We might have to take coach there, my passport doesn’t have ‘resurrected’ stamped on it yet,” he joked, I chuckled into his throat, sniffing to try and get rid of the thickness to my voice.

“I’m sorry about Mikey, I know you deserve an explanation-“ I began.

“There’s more to it than you know Doll, Mikey obviously isn’t as innocent as everyone thought. You know that right baby?” he mumbled, I nodded, shivering at the thought of Mikey filming anything else.

I wondered if Gerard knew more than he was letting on, I didn’t pursue it though, I didn’t have a death wish to fuck everything up with Gee as well.