You Make My Heart Implode

Violet

For the show, I stayed in the pit, kicking the shit out of people with my black cowboy boots for fun. Jo and Damien had abandoned me for the front row.

“Where are you?” Jo bellows down the phone to me ten minutes after the gig had ended.

“I’m by the bar!” I reply, shouting back to her.

The line goes dead to I stuff my phone back in my pocket, seconds later to be tackled by my friends.

“Come on, let’s go” Damien demands.

We all exit the building and wait around the side for signings. I’m not too fussed about it but Damien wants to meet the support act, whom I don’t care for enough to even know who it is.

“Violence” Jo nudges me, using my nickname.

“Hmm?” I look at her with vague attention.

“He was looking for you, you know” she grins at me.

“Who was?” my mind is on other things rather than events of today. Or any reality at all to be honest.

“Cat, you moron!” she slaps my arm.

“Ow!” I screech, mainly because I didn’t expect the contact not that it hurt, “Damien! Tell her to stop abusing me!” I grab my other friend by the arm.

“Get over it!” he says, paying more attention to the crowd down the street rather than our fight.

“Wanker” I mumble.

“Why weren’t you at the front with us?” Joanna persists.

“You know I live for the pit” I reply in all obviousness.

“But...” she trails off.

I look her dead in the face. “But what?”

“Oh fuck Vi, I know you’re in love with Cat! Why are you acting like he doesn’t exist?” she huffs.

“I’m not in love with him. That’s why! And I’m not oblivious to his existence, I’m fully aware of it, it’s just not important to me” I practically growl my answer at her.

“Yeah right. That’s why you were posing like a big slag before” she mutters.

I daren’t reply, because she’s got me there. I am in love with him. But I can’t let anyone know this.
I decide to sit on a nearby wall and spark up a cigarette.

Damien is appeased by the band soon, so that bollocks is over and done with.

“Can we split now?” Joanna asks.

“What? Are we not going to the pub!” a pleading look in my eyes.

“Sorry, Violence, I gotta be up for work tomorrow” Damien replies.

“Jo?” I look at her with the same need in my expression.

“Uh...I dunno Vi.” She shrugs, telepathically agreeing with the boy who she is truly and utterly absorbed by.

“Fine” I grumble as they skulk away. “Wankers!” my last statement is almost a scream.

Without knowing what to do next, I sit alone, smoking another cigarette.

“Hey” I look upwards, “Do you have a lighter?” of all people is Cat before me.

“Yeah” I shrug, causally.

“It’s Violet, isn’t it” he asks, taking the lighter from me.

I’m staggered he remembers.

“Yeah” I repeat an earlier reply and nod.

“Why are you on your own? What happened to your friend?”

“Oh she ditched me for a guy” I roll my eyes, sucking on my cigarette.

“That’s horrible.” After playing with my lighter in his fingers, he passes it back to me, “So what are you going to do now?”

“I dunno, probably go home. I was gonna go for a drink with Jo up until she decided to leave me” I huff in thought of how angry I currently am with her.

“Don’t go home. Would you like to come with us for a drink? We were planning on that anyway” he smiles at me. That small portrayal of emotion manages to soften my mood.

“If they don’t mind” I indicate towards the rest of the band who are a few yards away, talking in their own circle.

“Of course they won’t mind!” Cat smiles at me in the same way as before, his tone of voice defining something that should have been obvious to me,

“Ok then” I close my eyes and get to my feet while inhaling a deep, deep drag of toxin before discarding the filter to the pavement.

“You can be my date” he gives me a look, leaking sarcasm.

“Great” I roll my eyes in apprehension “Where are we drinking?”

“I shall find out” he glides his arm around my waist, making me wonder whether I misinterpreted his earlier sarcasm.

We walk towards the rest of them and the questions begin. I phase out because the alcohol in my system, although not leading me into a direct stupor, is still diverting my attention to random thoughts.
Before I know it we’re walking through the door of a club in Camden after a taxi cab ride.

“What are you having?” Cat asks me when we reach the bar.

“Your mum” I reply, snickering, “Jokes. Uhm double vodka orange?” it comes out like more of a question.

“Doubles so early?” a playful smirk on his lips.

“Never two early for doubles” I reply.

He orders my drink after his and asks me random questions while we wait.

“So, more importantly, why did you ask me to come? Surely there were better people to con” I ask

“You were an easy target” he replies, finishing his drink.

“Charming” I stick my tongue out, feeling more drunk than I should do. I pick up the beat of the song playing and recognise it as Sugar by Def Leppard.

“Come on” he gets from his seat and grabs my hand.

“What? Where are you taking me now?”

“To dance” he replies shortly, tugging me to my feet.

“I can’t dance!” I protest, while not exactly stopping him from taking me to the dance floor.

“Bullshit” he shakes his head and twirls me around, swinging me very close to me and wrapping his arms around my hips.

“I’m hot, sticky sweet, from my head, to my feet!” I sing along under my breath.

Hours later at around three in the morning, we tumble out into the streets of Camden.

“Caaaaaattt! My face is gonna fall off!” I whine randomly.

“No it’s not, Violence!” he starts making faces at me as he pulls out some cigarettes.

It turns into a face pulling contest until he runs out of ideas and pushes me against the wall.

“Slag!” I playfully slap his shoulder.

“Whore”

“Cunt”

“Bitch”

“Fuckhead”

“Uhmmmm Nun!” he widens his eyes.

“Fuck off” I giggle and sigh, stealing his cigarette.

“Nooo! Mine!” he screams like a girl and ends up chasing me around a post box for it.

“Aahahaha!” I cackle madly before slipping on a crack in the pavement and falling to my knees. “Ow”

“Stupid girl” he says, taking the fag from me and sitting beside my crumpled form.

“How dare you” I push him over and take the cig back, there’s nothing left which I only notice once I’m leaning over him on one hand. I discard the cigarette butt to the gutter and sigh, placing my other hand down and wondering whether I should move or not.