Not So Innocent

“Shawn. Shawn!” Jon nudged his best friend on the shoulder again, again, again. A frown began creeping its was across his forehead when he got no response and as he pulled his hand back once more his fingers curled themselves into a fist in mid-air.

Rubbing his shoulder where he had been hit Shawn turned his head to look at his band mate though most of his attention was still focused on Ben, whom he had been talking to the past half hour.

“What?” Laughter from the interrupted conversation still fizzled gently just below the surface and made Shawn’s lips curve vaguely as he responded.

“Have you ever kissed a guy?”

“Wha-?” Surprise shaped his expression as the smile congealed on his face and his eyebrows rose, hinting that he had been taken aback by the question.

“Jon. Are you- are you. Serious?” A disbelieving, almost mocking laugh accompanied the lead singer’s words and his eyebrows climbed even higher.

“You have though. Come on. You have?”

“No.” Shawn shook is head as if he couldn’t believe his ears.

“You think it would be different?” Jon asked after a few seconds of silence.

“You’ve been thinkin’ about this for a long time?”

Jon just laughed.

“Would you kiss a guy?” he then asked, his face serious and inquisitive.

“Nah. I-I.” The older man stuttered and let his fingers tangle in the messy hair on his head as if he would be able to pull the thoughts out of it that way; since they refused to turn into words.

“You would. You know you would,” Jon pushed, the look on his face nothing but genuinely serious.

“Well, I ah-.”

“Would you?” Ben joined in with an entertained grin, nodding in Jon’s direction.

Both men fell silent and turned towards their band’s guitar tech.

Jon looked from Shawn to Ben. From Ben to Shawn. He stayed quiet, pondering. His hands pulled and tugged and wrenched at his clothing, not knowing where to go. They twitched jumped scampered around to the pace of his thoughts until he became aware of their restless movements and tucked them away in the pockets of his jeans, trying to keep them still. Unaware of how his legs started bouncing restlessly he frowned deep in thought.

When Jon didn’t answer Shawn shifted his gaze to look at him instead of Ben. For a while he studied his friend while digging teeth into glossy-chewed bottom lip – tiny fragments of skin torn off leaving the surface lustrous. He watched how Jon slowly lifted his gaze, something about his posture making it seem as he could feel Shawn’s eyes on him, until it was no longer out of reach.

They locked eyes.

Jon looked at his friend as if Shawn could somehow help him answer the question. As if he knew what Jon should say. Or maybe what he was about to say? Jon shook his head at himself – it just wasn’t possible. If he didn’t know how could anyone else? Expression flickered across his face, pulling and tugging at his eyebrows; crooking them, rising them, making them part of a frown.

“Jon?”

A disoriented look swept across the young man’s face. He then sat quiet, looking into Shawn’s eyes waiting for him to speak again. But he didn’t.

The silence became denser and denser until it began pressing against them all, blocking the way of oxygen. Suffocating, suffocating and thick , warm, uncomfortable. Swelling into the air, growing irregularly, mushrooming up against the walls, ceiling, floor.

Suffocating.

“If you’re gonna start making out I’m leaving!” Ben joked, holding up his hands showing that he wanted nothing to do with a make out session between his two friends.

The strange atmosphere that had been building up was shattered by his words and both Ben and Jon started laughing, quickly forgetting what they all had been talking about altogether. Shawn laughed as well. But a part of him lingered in the conversation, pondering upon questions and answers that he had let nestle a bit too deep and thus letting them reshape into a feeling. One he couldn’t quite shake.