Desolate Love

When I got home I quickly tidied my room before going and collecting Sophie and Tom from school.

I wanted the house to be clean and tidy for mum as she was coming home. I was getting a taxi to drop her off home from the hospital; I would pay for it with my work money.

Mum’s coming home early because the doctors have seen her make a tremendous recovery. So mum’s walking around a little, she’s still not walking much but it’s a start.

I don’t think our bond will ever be strong but she’s blown her chance.

When we got in from being out side I asked Tom and Sophie to Hoover and dust their rooms and just make the house tidy for mum; so that I wouldn’t have too much to worry about while going to pick up mum in the Taxi.

I rang the Taxi service they came in ten minutes or less but I didn’t dress up to go out, I just went in my baggy jeans (My old fashioned ones – because they had once been in fashion.) and a black skulled t-shirt (which was one of my favourites.). I had my trainers on. I love my trainers they were black with white skulls on too. I left my hair down as I knew that would annoy mum and I put on some of my so called emo gloves, that’s what the prep’s call them. (My gloves are totally black with a devil on them and they are fingerless gloves if you didn’t know).

Today I decided to wear make-up but mum had always moaned at my choice of it. You see, she would want me to wear some bright happy colour or something but my style was black… I had black eye shadow, eye liner and mascara which went with all my out fits and styles.

The Taxi driver gave me a funny look as I got into the Taxi, he didn’t complain though, so I told him where to go and he started driving.

When we got to the hospital around twenty minutes later, I told the cab driver to wait for me to get my mum and come back which I did. As soon as my mum saw me, she moaned. She moaned at my make-up and clothes but I didn’t have a go at her. I didn’t’ care. If she didn’t want me wearing then that’s her opinion right. If I want to wear something then I can.

I let mum lean on me after we checked out of the hospital, until we got to the Taxi. Then she got in one end and I got in the other.

The cab driver asked where we were now going so I told him back to the house we had just been at, where he had picked me up from. He nodded and started the ten minute drive back again.

Mum was wearing the clothes that I had brought up with me to the hospital in a Tesco bag. She started asking me odd questions like…

Do you have a boy friend?
Does he approve of what you’re wearing?
Why do you have to look so depressed?

In my head I was answering her questions but I was only going to really answer the questions that were about someone else.

My answer’s to her questions were…

No..
Well he wouldn’t as I don’t have a boyfriend and I am bloody depressed because nothing in my life is going right. It was at one point but I thought that it couldn’t and so I ended my happiness. Stupid I know.

So me and my thoughts kept themselves to themselves but then mum moved onto other subjects such as dad. I couldn’t control my mouth then because I looked at her and my tone of voice as I said it was just, leave it now, my mum looked at me like I was an alien. She hadn’t seen me angry for a long time. I had always gone into my room to let my emotions out and only sometimes would I actually have a go at her or dad.

She went silent after my sudden rush of anger, “Not now mum”, Is all I said but it was the sharpness at which I said it that had shown her that now was not the time to talk about it.

The Taxi stopped out side our house, mum and me got out, I gave the driver the money through the open window. Then turned and went into the house shortly followed by mum.

I looked around the house was tidy that’s a good sign, and then I heard a loud sound coming from the landing like someone was running. I stared at the stairs as Tom came gallivanting straight towards mum, giving her an immediate cuddle. Mum scooped him into her arms and answered all the questions put to her by him.

I watched and wondered why Sophie wasn’t coming down to see mum… I remembered that she wanted to talk to me about something. So I got up and hunted for some blankets and pillows which I took up stairs to make mums bed with then I went and knocked on Sophie’s door. I had listened before knocking, she’s always quiet and up to something in there.

“Who is it?” She shouted through the door, she sounded like she was busy.

“It’s Suki. You said this morning that you wanted to talk to me.” I said through the door.

“Oh hold on.” Sophie said unlocking the locks to her door.

I stood amazed as she let me into her room, as I hadn’t been in her room for one or two years now. We were so lucky to have separate rooms, I wouldn’t be able to cope with sharing my stuff with Sophie. When I saw the colour of her room I froze it was black like mine.

“How the,”

She shut the door quickly behind me relocking the door. I looked at the door and the fancy gadgets that kept the door locked and in place.

“Why the,”

“Suki sit down.” My sister pushed me onto her bed which was a dark purple (almost black) duvet colour just like mine.

I just stared around the room remembering that two years ago walking into this room, it would have been bright pink and it had flowery wall paper, it was totally opposite to my room which had always been black.

“What do you do in here? Why are there so many gadgets and different equipments in your room?” I questioned her. I knew she wouldn’t tell me much as we haven’t exactly got along like two peas in a pod in the past. That’s only because she could get dad on me with one word in matter of seconds.

I looked at Sophie’s eyes looking for an answer but all her eyes were full of was sadness and from what I could make out guilt.

“Sophie.” I said already trying to comfort her.

“It started off with me just having fun with technology but then when he… I just started putting camera’s around the house to keep an eye on things but it… He got out of hand. Suki I have to… To show you the tapes,”

“What tapes how can you afford all this?”

Sophie walked over to her book case which stands directly left of her bedside cabinet. She started to take the books off of her bookshelf to reveal a whole row of hidden tapes behind them.

“I’ve only recorded the necessary scenes really… that’s all.” Sophie looked down at the ground even more ashamed.

“What scene’s Sophie?” I asked her whilst almost fearing her promised answer.

“Dreadful ones.”

“That doesn’t tell me anything.” Then I properly thought about it. Yes it did tell me something, it told me that Sophie had tapes of dad doing… Well what ever he wants. “Did you get dad hitting Tom with a belt?”

“Yes.” Sophie said pulling the tape out and forcing it into the video slot in the TV. The TV flashed on and started to play.

I stared at the screen, the sharp cry’s of Tom ringing in my ears. I watched as the dad on the tape masterfully and powerfully whipped his son with a belt.

“Turn it off.” I pleaded. Sophie turned it off tears were in her eyes as well as mine.

“What other situations have you got Sophie?”

“You…”

I went silent not knowing what to say. She was talking about the day dad came onto me. My face must have become a very grim picture because Sophie didn’t seem to know what to do.

“Show me.” I didn’t say it like a request because it came out more as in I was forcing her.

She changed video’s.

I sat in a dirty silence watching and listening to the things that my dad had done to me. It was sickening, I shuddered and cringed on more than one occasion.

Sophie switched it off, I could tell by the expression on her face that she couldn’t take watching these.

“What made you tape these?”

“Dad did.” She hugged herself in what looked like pain.

“Did he… Did he you know hurt you?” I asked.

“He did exactly what he did to you. Apart from I was awake!” She snapped. “I thought that would have been obvious Suki.”

“Have you started your period yet?” I didn’t like asking this and I never want to again as I don’t like where the conversation goes. (A subject that is very embarrassing.).

“Yes.”

This word came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks.

“God… When Sophie?” I asked desperately.

“Three months ago. Well I think it was.”

“Your petrified aren’t you. Why didn’t you tell mum? Or me?”

“I just told you.” She whispered.

“You didn’t want to tell mum because she’s never they’re to talk to. So now you have a problem. You’ve run out of pads and its embarrassing asking mum to get you some more as she doesn’t know you’ve started. How may I ask am I easier to talk to?”

Sophie looked at me like I was a genius.

“Mum would have to have it spelt out for her where as you use your head and get the correct answer.”

Aw. She thinks I’m so smart. Well I’m not school seems to jam me full of information that I don’t need and will never use.

“I’ll go and get you some pads but when I come back, we need to have a long talk because I want some answers.”

*

I went back into Sophie’s bedroom with some pads and we continued our conversation.

“Do you want me to tell mum?” I asked watching Sophie think about it for a minute.

“No.” I looked at her questioningly.

“Mum has enough trouble at the moment to worry about Suki.” She said realistically. “Pus you’re the one that acts like a mum round here.”

“It’s a bloody hard job trust me.” I continued talking to her for half an hour before leaving her room to go down the stairs to make dinner.

*

I ate my dinner which was Spaghetti Bolognese, ran up-stairs and into my room. I knew one of these days mum would want to talk to me but at the moment I didn’t care and I could at least lock the door. I had homework to do and so went and logged on the computer.

The last time that I had checked my e-mails I hadn’t got any. This time I wondered if it was different would David want to talk to me because he knows who I am. He knows what sites I go on. He knows everything about me.

Some things in life you want to stay a fairy tale or you think it is a fairy tale and are really freaked out just in case it becomes true. For example… Me!

I opened my e-mail box to reveal no e-mails. Maybe he doesn’t like me or he doesn’t want to talk to me? Maybe it was the way I looked, I put him off. This is why I’m single and have never had a boyfriend.

Have you ever felt like you shouldn’t have said something to someone but you have? Well that’s me. I wish I hadn’t told him to stop e-mailing me. It was fun and enjoyable, I must have only been shocked of who he was to have said that to him.

So I continued doing my homework. Then half way through doing it, I had a little message in the corner of the screen come up saying one e-mail message received.

Should I click it or not?

Should I read it?

My brain was saying no … But my heart was saying yes…