Desolate Love

It's been one whole week with no trouble from dad or nothing. I suppose that’s a good thing. I've had no collisions with David or Abi's brother Harry. Well his actual name is Oliver, so Abi told me but everyone I know calls him Harry.

Mums still not out of hospital yet… I feel like shit! I’ve had no sleep and my new job is driving me mental. I work almost everyday after school. Yup I have a job, guess what it is; I’m a waitress at a restaurant. The good thing is that David doesn’t go there. So I have no one to look me up and down in my really gay uniform.

After work, I rushed round to the hospital to see mum, this was the first chance I’d had since I’d got my new job to tell her the great news about dad.

As I walked up the freshly cleaned and polished corridors, kicking the backs of my shoes as I went, realising mum was in a coma. Would she be able to hear me? It’s worth talking to her anyway, I mean she’s my mum and I love her and there’s so much I can talk to her about now that I couldn’t when she was mobile.

Sitting at her bedside, I started chatting away like she wasn’t out of it. I told her everything, and I mean everything. About my crushes, the people who cared about me and everything dad did. If she woke up and knew everything I’d told her then would she be happy that dad was gone. Would she try to find him? I just don’t know.

The nurse walked in with this sort of bland expression on her face. I stood up, my knees shaking, starting to feel a little dizzy, something was wrong I new it was.

“Take a seat dear.” She said calmly but in a very sympathetic way. I did what I was told, preparing myself for the worst. “Have you got a father or a responsible adult that you can contact?”

“No, why, just tell me; I am the only person that cares.” I said.

“Ok. I’m sorry dear, it’s your mother, we have done everything we can for her. We feel there is no longer anything more we can do to help her, and we are prepared, with your consent, to shut down all machines keeping her alive. She would most likely pass away anyway. We are terribly sorry dear. Is there anyone we can call? Or would you like us to
Get you anything? Remember it is your choice dear, take your time.” You should have seen the expression on my face as I started to boil up with anger.

“No.” I said at first then I started shouting it. “You cannot take her away, not after everything we’ve been through.” I screamed. The nurse took a step back as she was scared of me.

“I’ll get you a glass of orange juice.” She said making up an excuse to leave me alone for a while.

I didn’t say thank you, I just sat back down on the grey chair, my head in my hands. My world was spinning and the silent tears were now streaming secretly down my pale face. I felt like hell it’s self.

Maybe the nurse was right, I mean was mum going through hell? If she woke up would life get any better? Was euthanasia really the best option? To me she had nothing really to live for, I would leave as soon as I could but help Sophie and Tom along until they could stand on their own two feet. Would it be better for mum not to find out about dad being in love with some blonde bimbo? Would it be kinder for her to die happy? Does she still love dad enough for her heart to brake? Of course it would be nice for her to die happy, but on the other hand…

I can’t live without mum.
Tom and Sophie would grow up without a mum and I know they have done for a long time but it just wouldn’t be fair or right.
If mum wasn’t around then who would look after us? Social services? What decision was better? Yes or no?

After e-mailing that to David, doing course work just wasn’t helping, thinking about what I should do to mum… made tears well up in my eyes. The fact that my dad had raped me and know one was their to talk to me about it, gnawed away at me from the inside.

I thought about my situation with mum logically and decided to go home clear up, get some sleep and come back tomorrow… then tell them my answer. I packed the laptop away, kissed mum on the forehead, before leaving.

There was only one question in my head, it was haunting me… Should I kill mum or not?

*

“Do it. Turn the machines off.” I said to the doctor and nurses. “But the only thing I want is one hour to talk to her. Thank you.” I said and walked next to her bed and sat down on the grey, wobbly chair then I started calmly apologising to mum though half way through apologising I started crying.

After talking to mum about everything and anything, I signalled to the doctor and nurses that it was time, time for me to become a murderer.

The nurses got in positions, I held mum’s hand, nodded my head saying…

“I’m so sorry mum but I do love you.” I was stroking her small slender fingers. Then I saw something, something that surprised me. Mum’s eyes flickered, they did it again. Mum was waking up!

The machines stopped working in that minute; I turned round and started shouting at the doctor and nurses.

“No. No! Turn them on! She was waking up! She was waking up!” The nurses stood doing nothing.

This couldn’t be happening!

I ran to the switch, flicked it on, ran to the next one and kept going until all three switches were on. I then turned to face mum…

Beep. Said the heart machine it didn’t beep again.

“She’s gone.” The doctor said out loud.

“No she’s not.” I said instantly and went and thumped my mum on the chest. The nurses were coming to restrain me, just after I thumped mum’s chest for the second time, the nurses’ grabbed hold of me.

“Now Miss Trent…” The doctor stood suddenly eerily silent as we listened to the sound of the heart rate monitor… Beep… Beep… Beep. “Let go of the girl.” The doctor said hastily about me and then got back to work. “Nurse, Stabilize the equipment. You know what to do.” The doctor then started talking to mum.

She’s alive! She’s alive!

I stood stock still as I didn’t know what to do, whether to hug her, jump up or down, cry happy tears or sit down. I did none of these things, instead I listened to the questions in my head that I just didn’t know the answers to…

Will she remember what I told her?
If so how will she react?
Will she come home?
How much will the hospital bill be?
Will be able to pay it?
Will she get a job?
Will her heart be broken?
Will we move away?
Will I be ok?

*