Pill Bottles & Black Coffee

002; Phone calls.

I rested my head on the edge of the bath tub. The smell of my strawberry shampoo lingered in the air and filled my nostrils with its almost sickening scent. I closed my eyes and thought about the events of the day: visiting the doctor, fighting with Matt, having him apologize to me at least three hundred times and then watching movies for the rest of the day. Matt cooked us dinner, as an apologizing act I guess. He told me he was tired and went to bed earlier than usual. I decided to have a too-long bath.

I dreaded the upcoming night. It had been over half an year since the last time I slept a night without nightmares. My nightmares weren’t the usual type with ghosts and monsters and lots of blood. No, only teenagers who have watched too many horror movies have those kind of dreams. My nighmares are agonizing. In my usual dream Anthony, my fiancé who died 2 years ago, is screaming for help and trying to reach my hand, but the grip of his hand always loosens and he falls into a dark abyss. I always wake up panting and drenched in sweat.

After another 15 minutes my skin started to get wrinkly. I wrapped a towel around my waist and walked to my bedroom to get ready for bed. The light in Matt’s room was still on, so I assumed he was reading a book or something. I sat on the edge of my bed and started drying my hair with another towel. After a while I heard talking, but only the other side of the conversation. Matt was on the phone with someone.

“No, Zacky, I’m not okay. Do you think I’m okay when I have to listen when he is screaming in his sleep and to watch him when he writhes in his bed, looking like he’s in serious pain?!” Matt spoke, trying hard not to be loud but failing miserably. I suppose he hadn’t heard me coming out of the bathroom.

Did I really scream in my sleep?
I didn’t know that.

“It’s painful, you know, to watch someone so important to you fade away in front of your eyes. I can’t bear this, I can only take a limited amount of mental torture.” Matt said, his voice cracking. Was he crying?

There was a silence as Matt listened to what his another best friend said on the other end. I felt bad for eavesdropping, but I didn’t have other choices, since Matt was almost shouting everything he said.

“Yeah, thanks, I’m trying to survive here. Actually, I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and I’ve come to realize a few thing that surely won’t make this any easier...” Matt started and stopped to sigh, pondering whether to continue or not. His voice had gained a new strength, not cracking anymore. Yeah, boys don’t cry.

“Well, I think I’m in love. You know, with a person. I’m in love with a person.” Matt said. I’m sure Zacky is laughing right now, Matt always manages to sound very wise when he’s shy.

“It’s a guy. Yeah, I’m in love with a guy.” Matt confessed. I gasped and regretted it immediately, clasping my hand on my mouth to keep quiet. Matt was gay?

“So, I guess you’ll never stop bugging me if I don’t tell you who it is? No, it’s not you, Zachary!” Matt laughed.

“Well, ok. It’s Brian. I’m in love with Brian. I should be here to take care of him when he’s in a vulnerable state, but no, I go straight ahead and fall in love with him. Oh, I guess I can’t say ‘straight ahead’ if I’m not straight, but there’s no such thing as ‘gay ahead’, is there?” Matt blabbered, almost bursting into tears but saving the situation with his extravagant sarcasm.

I didn’t hear the rest of the phone call. I was lost in my own thoughts, discussing with myself about the things I’d just heard.

Matt was in love with me?
Why me?
What was there to love in me?

I was nothing but a mental wreck with nightmares and sudden crying attacks no one could explain. Matt was a good-looking guy, he could have anyone he wanted, guy or girl, but he fell in love with me?
Well, maybe he was having some sort of weird affection towards a person he’s been taking care of. Maybe it was something that would go away soon, just a crush, nothing serious. I would act like I didn’t know anything and nothing would change between me and him, right?

Right.

Or maybe wrong.
I was snapped out of my thought when I noticed Matt was standing in my doorway, staring at me with a shocked expression on his face. I stared back, my mouth open, trying to form some kind of noice, but failing. Matt was the first to speak, stumbling over his words.

“H-how long have you been sitting there?” He said slowly and quietly. It took me a moment to register what he had just said, and I answered with as quiet whisper as possible.

“For a while.”

“How much did you hear?” Matt asked, his expression slowly changing from shocked to full panic.

“Enough.”

Matt looked like he was trying to decide between running away and never coming back or hiding under his bed and staying there forever. I didn’t know what to say. I was never the one to get through awkward situations, and this was much worse than awkward.

A single tear slipped down my cheek. I didn’t even notice I was crying before Matt rushed to me and kneeled down in front of me.

“Bri, are you okay? I’m sorry, I should be more careful, you shouldn’t have heard any of that. I’m so sorry. Please don’t cry Brian, I don’t like seeing you upset.” Matt stammered, wiping my tears away with his thumbs. His right hand stayed on my cheek, another went to hold my hand. I was trying hard to control myself. I hated breaking down like this in front of Matt without a good reason.

Matt looked into my eyes, his green eyes staring deep into my sould, worry etched on his features. I started sobbing, burying my head into his shoulder. He tensed up, not knowing what to do, but relaxed after a while, wrapping his arms around me and whispering soothing words into my ear.
He held me for almost ten minutes before I took control over myself and calmed down.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, Brian, you have nothing to be sorry about.” Matt whispered and kissed my temple. I looked at him and he smiled at me with his dimples showing. I blushed.
He stood up and said he was going to bed, walking out of the door to his own bedroom.

“Matt? Would you do me a favor?”

He came back immediately, sitting next to me on my bed. I felt slightly insecure, still wearing only a towel.

“What can I do for you?” He asked.

“I’m scared of sleeping alone. Would you sleep next to me tonight? I know I’ll probably wake you up with my screaming but...” I started, only to have him to cut me off.

“No, it’s okay, I’ll sleep next to you if you want me to.” He said.

“Thank you. Could you wait outside? I guess I should get into my PJ’s.” I whispered.

He nodded and walked out of the door, closing it behind him. I changed into my pajama pants and an old, rugged Metallica T-shirt. After I got under the covers, there was a knock at the door.

“Can I come in already?” Matt asked.

“Yeah, sure.”

Matt got under the covers, laying on the other side of the bed, careful not to come too close to me. I switched the light off.

“Good night, Bri.” Matt said, yawning.

“G’night.”

Neither of us moved for the first 15 minutes. I was getting drowsy, almost falling asleep. Suddenly I felt Matt move closer to me, wrapping his arm around my waist, snuggling his nose into my hair.
First I was shocked; I was not used to having someone so close to me. Slowly I relaxed and started getting comfortable.

“Just tell me if you’re not comfortable with this, and I’ll let go.” He said.

“No, don’t. It feels good to have someone to hold me.”