Please Don't Make Me Beg

Nothing could have prepared her for this. What started out as an easy, relaxed conversation about the night she had spent in Billie's company had spun out of control when Andi saw the bruise on her neck. What would she think, Li wondered, if she had seen some of the others? And why had she found it so easy to assume the worst about her?

Her daughter's face was flushed and tear-streaked, her hands in tight fists as she stared at Li accusingly.

"Do you think that's who I am, Andi? Do you think I'm just out for thrills, chills and kicks? I hope to God I've proved myself to you better than that--if not, it wasn't because I haven't tried!"

She was too tired to cry, but she knew the expression on the young girl's face would be burned into her memory forever. It was like a mirror reflecting every guilty thought she'd ever had.

"Then what is it you're not telling me? After worrying about you all night, I think I have a right to know!" Andi's voice held accusations she couldn't squirm away from. Pinned to the wall, Li sighed in defeat. Maybe she was right.

"Okay, you win. Yes, I did get a little drunk. Billie and I talked for a long time, mostly about our families. Then I passed out on the sofa and slept for four hours, which is why I didn't hear the phone. After I talked to you, he walked me out to the car, and he kissed me so hard I didn't even know who I was. And yes, I kissed him back. I felt so close to him right then it would have been easy to let go of everything I believed in. But I didn't."

She thought carefully about what else she should share, and decided that Andi was old enough and mature enough to hear it all.

"Andi, can you understand--he listened, really listened to me. I was able to just let everything out in a way I can't with anyone else, even you, baby. He's such a strong person, and he let me pour out all the pain and rage and frustration I've felt since your dad died."

Andi's narrowed eyes regarded her steadily for a moment. "Why would you feel that way about dad? He was never anything but wonderful to you, and it wasn't his fault that he got sick! How could you be angry at him?"

"Because I was alone, Andi! I don't blame him--I miss him so much sometimes it feels like I want to give up and die! But I feel old, and lonely, and unloved, and I wonder sometimes if I'll be that way for the rest of my life!"

"So you screwed Billie Joe Armstrong, like some stupid groupie, and now you have something to brag to your friends about. And guess what--you're still alone. Bad choice, huh, Mom?"

It felt as though someone had kicked the air out of her lungs. The poison in her daughter's words was crueler than she could ever have imagined.

Andi lurched off the bed and ran to her room, the door slamming so hard the hinges trembled. Li sat frozen, lip quivering, tears blurring her vision. It felt like a bad dream, and the pain was worse than anything she had ever felt. She had lost Andi's trust, and could not imagine how she would ever get it back.

She stood outside her daughter's door, wanting to knock, but afraid of her reaction. Then the sound of snapping latches and a long zipper made her heart go cold. It was unmistakably the sound of a suitcase. Hangers clattered, and she heard drawers banging open and closed.

"Andi, please come back and talk to me. You really don't understand--"

"Right, Mom. I'm only sixteen, so I don't understand anything. You're the mature one, right? No, wait, I've got it backwards--I'm the one sitting at home waiting for you to come dragging in at dawn, and you're the one out drinking and screwing men you don't even know!"

Li gasped, sinking to the floor, her fist pressed tightly to her mouth to stifle the groan that rose in her throat. What was happening? This was all wrong--she was about to lose the most precious person in her life over a misunderstanding!

"Don't do this, baby. You've got to believe me, I didn't sleep with him! I wanted to, I admit it, but I didn't!"

The door burst open, and Andi's face, damp with sweat and distorted with anger and disgust, bent over her. "If I came home at six in the morning from hanging out with some guy from a band, stinking of booze, hung over, looking like hell and trying to cover up bite marks on my neck, how far would that line of shit get ME? You'd laugh in my face!!" she exploded. "How can you expect me to believe it from you? How can I ever trust you again when I know you're lying to me!"

She snatched up her duffel and backpack, and her Converses beat a rapid patter down the stairs. A final slam of the front door, and she was gone.

The scream that found its way from Li's throat gave a hideous voice to her shattered heart.