Please Don't Make Me Beg

**Andi's POV**

God, everything is so fucked up right now. Is it me? My mom has gone off the deep end, Evan's acting weird--it seems like everyone close to me is losing it.

I don't know why, but Evan made me feel kind of creepy tonight. It's like he got all possessive and wanted to thump his chest or something. He acts like he wants to protect me, but then he gets pissed off at me for saying the wrong thing. If I didn't know better, I'd say he was having his period!

I can't imagine how long the next two days is going to feel. The more time we have to kill, the more I feel like maybe it's not such a great idea to take this trip. I keep thinking, which is worse, going home and dealing with all the crap there, or going to Cali with the guys and starting fresh?

I'm only sixteen. How the hell am I supposed to know?

*****************

Andi finished writing in her journal and tucked it under the mattress. She rolled over and stared at the ceiling as she half listened to the radio. Her mind turned to thoughts of Berkeley, trying to imagine the people, the town, the lifestyle. How different would it be from home, she wondered? She had always heard that it was a very tolerant and open-minded place, but maybe she wouldn't be sophisticated enough to fit in.

And the band...were they really ready to play actual gigs, in a city where music was lifeblood? She wondered how many others had come with the same dream, and had gone home humbled and broken. What made them think they were different?

Rolling onto her stomach, she wrapped her arms around her pillow. She tried to find a thought to hang onto that would take her into sleep, something good, something hopeful, but right now nothing about her life felt right.

The lyrics to a new song she had been working on were going through her mind when she heard a low noise outside her door. Maybe it was Stevie coming home from work, going to the den where she had been sleeping on the sofa bed.

A tiny rattling sound caught her full attention, and she sat up, listening intently. In the half darkness, she saw the door creeping open almost imperceptibly, and she pulled the sheet up to her chin, scooting back against the headboard.

A hand crept around the edge of the door, and a mass of dark curly hair followed. She recognized Evan's face even in the near-darkness, but how had he gotten in? Hadn't she locked the door?

He made no sound as he slid around the door and closed it silently behind him. He reached behind him, and her heart began to beat faster as she heard the familiar click of the lock again.

"You awake, babe?" he whispered, his eyes trying to adjust to the darkness.

She wasn't sure whether she was angry or afraid, but angry felt safer.

"Get out of here, Evan! I told you I'm not sleeping with you!" she hissed.

He crept closer to the bed, his finger on his lips. "Ssshhhh, it's okay. I just wanted to check on you to make sure you were alright."

"Then why did you lock the door?"

"I didn't want Stevie to walk in on you. She's an idiot and she'll probably forget you're using her room until she walks in and scares the shit out of you."

"Look, I'm fine. I'm just trying to get some sleep, okay? Why don't you do the same? I know you've got to be tired." She used her most soothing tone of voice with him, not wanting to upset him again.

"I want to help you relax. Lie down, and I'll give you a massage to help you fall asleep."

"Evan, I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?" he said, lightly rubbing her shoulder.

"I don't want things to move too fast, okay? You know how we've talked about that." She tried to keep her voice calm and reasonable.

"We're moving to the next level now, Andi. When we get to California, we're going to be living together. We need to learn how to be intimate with each other now." His fingers on her arm brushed the side of her breast casually, as if by accident. "You know you're safe with me, don't you?"

"It depends on what you mean by 'safe'."

"I mean that I would never hurt you, or allow anyone else to hurt you. You belong to me, Andi, and I'll do anything to protect you."

The words "you belong to me" made the rhythm of her heart race faster, but she wasn't sure whether the feeling was something she liked or not..

"Evan, that's really sweet, but I don't think there's anything I need to be protected from right now. I just need to get some rest, okay?"

"Sure, babe. Just let me tuck you in..." He leaned closer to her, wrapping his arms around her and leaning her back onto the bed.

His eyes closed as he brought his lips closer to hers, but instead of softening her mouth to meet his kiss, she felt her body tense, pulling away from him just slightly. He didn't seem to notice, and before she could speak, he took her lips more forcefully than he ever had, his tongue insisting entrance between her lips

Twisting her head away from him, she pushed his shoulders back, breathing hard.

"I know you want this to move a lot further, but I'm not ready for this yet. I love you, I really love you, but that doesn't mean I can go this far this fast. Maybe soon, but not yet."

"I don't understand," he whispered gruffly. "As long as we've been together, what do you need from me? What do I have to do?"

"It isn't you, Evan. It's me. I just need to be ready to take that next step, and I only know that right now, I'm not."

"You're just nervous, baby. I understand, and it's okay."

"No, it's not that--"

"You don't have to be scared with me. I know how to make you feel good, how to take care of you. Just trust me." His voice was soft, but there was an oily undertone that made her feel uneasy somehow.

"I do trust you, but you have to be patient. There will only be one first time, and I need to be really sure."

He held her eyes with his, her words working their way through his mind. "Are you saying you aren't sure about us?" he asked, his hand gripping her arm. "Are you trying to tell me you don't want to be with me?"

Alarmed at his misunderstanding, she shook her head. "No, that's not it at all! I just need to make sure I'm ready to move to the next level, and I need for you not to push me."

"Or maybe you haven't decided yet who you want your first time to be with, is that it?"

"God, no! Why would you say that?"

"Because I know you and Dan have gotten pretty friendly lately, and if I thought he was trying to take you away from me, I'm not sure what I'd do."

She was shocked. "Dan and I only talk about the band, and only then because we have to work out the bass and guitar lines. Evan, where is this coming from?"

"Just don't think you can sneak around behind my back. I know you both, and I'll know if something's going on." He sounded ominous.

"Is that a threat? Look, you know me better than that, and you've been friends with Dan since second grade. Wherever you're dreaming this up, it's all in your imagination," she challenged him.

"Are you saying I'm making things up?" he asked.

"No, I'm saying you're paranoid!"

His lips twisted cruelly, and in a blur, his palm found her cheek with a smacking sound. Her hand flew to her face, covering the reddening skin. Searching his face with horrified eyes, she expected him to recoil at what he had done, to beg her forgiveness and swear he would never do anything to hurt her again.

She was mistaken.