Please Don't Make Me Beg

Billie closed his eyes, pulling Li against his chest and folding his arms around her. He bent to kiss the top of her head, then realized it was the gesture you would use to comfort a child. He didn't know what else to do.

Finally she pulled away, angrily rubbing her eyes with the heels of her hands. "Something's not right, Billie. Evan isn't telling Andi I've called, I can't get her cell, and he won't put her on the phone to talk to me. His sister says they're taking the band out to California, and I get the awful feeling he's trying to get her isolated from me." She gratefully took the Kleenex he offered.

"I don't know," he said, "but I think you need to try to get to her before they leave if you can. Once they're on the road, you'll have to get the police involved to find them."

"Maybe I should talk to them now--the cops, I mean."

"But what can you tell them? If they haven't gone anywhere yet, and she went to his house on her own, then he hasn't really done anything. All you could do is get them to force her to come home. Is that what you want to do?"

"Stevie asked me the same question. I don't know...I don't think it would do much good right now. She'd probably just leave again as soon as she got the chance."

"Sounds like me when I was her age," he said guiltily.

"So what would have worked for you? What would have persuaded you to come home?"

He scratched his head, raising his eyebrows doubtfully. "If I had to choose between my mom, and a trip across the country with my girlfriend to take a chance at a music contract....?"

"Thanks a lot, Billie. Makes me feel so much better."

"I'm sorry, Li. Look, my boys aren't teenagers quite yet, so the side of this equation that I know isn't the one you want to hear about. But I do know that I want to help you. I mean, if Joey were in trouble, I know you'd do the same thing."

She nodded, genuinely. "He's your son. How could I not?" Her hand found his and curled softly into it.

"So you'll understand when I tell you that I'm going over there?" he said, catching her off guard. He wasn't asking; he was stating a fact.

"Billie, your heart is in the right place, and please don't think I'm ungrateful. But I don't think Andi would accept your help very well right now, all things considered."

"Andi isn't the one I planned to--talk to," he said ominously.

She knew exactly what he meant, and no matter how much she enjoyed the mental picture of Evan getting his butt kicked, it wasn't the answer.

"I think I need to do this myself, Billie." She sighed heavily. "She's my child, and it's my responsibility to fix what I've messed up."

"What exactly is it you've messed up, Li? I mean, yeah, you spent a night away from home and it scared her that she couldn't reach you. I understand that perfectly, and hopefully she'll forgive you for that. But the other piece of this seems to be that she doesn't quite understand that you're human, that you need the same things any other woman does. Do you think you should have to feel sorry for that?"

"She just doesn't want me to be someone she can't look up to."

"Because you slept with me?"

"I guess so. It does sound pretty...groupie, hooking up after a concert, don't you think?"

It hurt her to word it that way, and she knew that she was trying to distance her own heart from what these two nights with him had meant to her. Maybe if she could make herself believe it was just a fling, it wouldn't hurt so much when she had to let him go.

Billie looked at her for a long moment, and she was surprised to see anger in his face. He stood and began to gather his clothes, slipping into his boxers and jeans.

"Fine, Li. That's what it was, then, hooking up. At least, that's what it was for you. I just scratched an old itch for you, and now we go home and pretend none of it happened. You have your moment with the rock star, and to hell with how I might feel."

She realized how badly she had misspoken, and as he sat on the edge of the bed to pull on his socks and shoes, she slid her arms around him and laid her head on his shoulder.

"I'm so sorry, Billie, but it's hard for me to imagine that it could be anything more to you. Think about who you are--what could I possibly offer you that a thousand other women couldn't?"

"Maybe you did something no other woman has before. Maybe you taught me how good it can feel to really put someone else first, and quit thinking about myself all the time."

"Well, you didn't really have a choice, since you were handcuffed," she smiled awkwardly, needing to break some of the tension.

The joke fell flat, and he didn't return the smile. "Stop it. Just stop it. You keep acting like you're nothing, just some invisible, used up shadow that used to be a woman. But in the last two days, I've seen right past that. I've seen behind every mask you try to wear. I'm not talking about the sex, Li. What blows me away about you is how you've let me inside, bared your soul to me, and shown me how much you care--about Andi, about Sam, even about me. You didn't even know me, and you still cared. Don't you understand that I have a heart, too, and you've got it right there in your hands?"

He stood in front of her now, his crumpled tie dangling from his pocket. He was right. No matter how hard she tried, she felt foolish thinking she was anything but a one--well, two--night stand to him. After all, he was Billie Joe.

"You decide, Li. Make up your mind if you're going to let me care about you, or keep shutting me out every time I get too close for you to feel safe. Meanwhile, I have a show I have to do. Should I tell you I'll call you when it's over, and come back to help find Andi, or do I kiss you goodbye now and live the rest of my life trying to forget you?"

The air had escaped the room; the fear of watching him walk away for good paralyzed her, left her unable to breathe. How could she have let her guard down so quickly, let herself need him so much? She couldn't fool herself any longer, and she couldn't hide from Billie. He deserved to know everything.

"Sit down," she said softly. "Please?"

"Not until I know why you keep pushing me away," he said, hands still on his hips.

"That's what I'm going to tell you," she said. She went to the dresser, slid open the bottom drawer, and brought out a worn blue diary. "Now will you please sit down?"