Please Don't Make Me Beg
Chapter 23: Nice Guys Finish Last
Billie's heart and mind warred inside him. He knew he should just go; she would never be able to open up completely to him, and maybe it was just as well. He reached for the doorknob, and then his hand fell limply by his side. He sighed heavily.
As he turned back toward her, the pleading in her eyes stabbed his heart. He sat down beside her on the bed, the same bed where they had melted together in such joyous abandon just last night, and the distance between them now seemed like a chasm to him.
"I need for you to understand, Billie," she said, softly.
"It's okay, I do," he reassured her.
"No, you don't. I know you think it's all about Andi, and that's a big part of it. But I need you to know everything. I couldn't stand for you to leave thinking I just didn't care enough. Especially when nothing could be further from the truth." The vulnerability on her face made her look like a child. "I've never felt anything like this before, even--God help me, even for Sam..." Her voice was tiny now, and shaky with emotion.
He gently took the diary from her, a yellowed ribbon lying between its pages like a forgotten memory, and began to read.
*********
"September 9~
I saw him with her again today. It was really embarrassing--I was driving home with Kathy after school, and we saw them together in his car. I really hoped she didn't notice, but of course she did, and she asked me who was with Dad. I told her he was giving a ride to our neighbor because her car was in the shop. I don't think she believed me.
I don't know what to do. If I tell my mom, they'll probably end up getting a divorce, and then I'll feel like it was my fault for not keeping my mouth shut. But if she finds out, and knows I didn't say anything, then she'll feel like I betrayed her. And I can't talk to Dad because...well, he hasn't hit me in a while, but I don't want to make him start again, and he gets so mad at everything.
It's been going on for almost a year now, and I keep hoping they'll stop, but I don't think that's going to happen."
******
Billie looked up at her, his eyes soft with compassion.
"So your dad cheated on your mom, and you think you'd be cheating on Sam, even though he's not here. Now I understand," he said gently.
"No, actually you don't, not yet," she said, not looking at him. "It's not even about Sam. Just keep reading, okay?"
He turned back to the faded writing...
*******
"September 11~
She keeps calling our house and hanging up, or sometimes she'll call and when I answer, she calls me a whore, or a bitch, and then hangs up. How fucking lame is that for an adult? What did I ever do to her?
My mom has no clue who it is, or why she keeps calling. And of course, my dad isn't saying anything. Mom wants to ask the police to put a call tracer on the line so she can press charges.
I guess it'll all come out then."
"September 12~
Mom and Dad are going out of town for the day tomorrow with my brother, so I guess I'll be here working on my term paper. I really need to get an A on it since it's 75% of our grade, and college applications go out next week. I'm so stressed...wish me luck!"
"September 13~
She's been calling all day. I mean, every three or four minutes. If I unplug the phone, Mom and Dad can't call, so I don't leave it off for long. But as soon as I plug it back in, it starts ringing.
I told her we're calling the police, and she just laughed at me.
I wish Mom and Dad would hurry up and get home. I'm not scared, but I can't get anything done on my paper, and I'm ready to throw the damned phone through the window!"
*******
Billie whistled through his teeth. "Jeez, what a bitch! What was her fucking problem?"
Li sat silently, picking at the corner of the pillowcase, her face clouded with memories years past.
*********
"September 14~
The police called my mom last night and told her who had been making the phone calls, and my Dad finally spilled his guts. They had a really big fight, and then he ended up yelling at me, too. I think he might know I saw him. I told him I didn't care what he did, but he needed to keep his business out of our house and make her leave us alone.
He's stalking around the house now, fuming, because the phone's still ringing off the hook.
Mom's been in her room crying most of the day, and I don't know what to say to her. My brother and I have been in our rooms, pretty much scared to come out.
I hate this house so much..."
"September 15~
I couldn't deal with school--or anything--today. I can't think very well right now, so if I don't make much sense, that's why. I haven't slept at all, and I spent the night at Kathy's last night. I couldn't stay at home--there was too much blood, blood everywhere, and I couldn't figure out how to clean it all up by myself...
All day yesterday, the tension was so bad, and the fucking phone just kept ringing and ringing. Finally, my mom came out of her room, and screamed at my dad, "Will you please make your goddamned slut leave us alone?!??"
He got in the car and left, and we didn't know where he went until he called after dinner. He said he'd gone to that woman's house, and was trying to tell her they couldn't see each other anymore so she'd stop harassing us. Then he told my mom she wanted to come to our house and apologize for everything.
I really couldn't believe she told him it was okay, but I think she just wanted it to be over so bad, she was willing to agree to anything at that point.
When the car pulled up, Dad came in and asked my mom if she would come out to the car to talk. They went back outside, and my brother and I waited in the den. Then I saw something going on through the window, and when I went outside, Mom and Dad were holding her legs and one of her arms, and she was waving her fist, trying to hit them.
I didn't know what had happened, but they were trying to get her into the house, so I tried to catch her free arm to help them. She swung past my stomach, and when I looked down, my sweater had been sliced open.
I got a sick feeling, and realized things had gone really bad. I held the door open, and told my brother he should go call the police.
When they got the woman inside our den, my dad got the knife away from her, and I saw he was bleeding from two bad cuts on his hand and forehead. Then I looked over at my mom.
As she lifted her chin to look over at me, I gasped. Her throat had been cut almost from ear to ear, and I could see her windpipe, all white and shiny. For a minute, I didn't understand how she could be cut so bad and not be bleeding like a fountain, but it missed all the big vessels by some miracle.
The rest of the night is just a blur. I know I got ice for my mom and called the ambulance; I remember making sure my brother's friend was on the way to pick him up. What feels like a dream is remembering looking down at the loaded pistol in my hand, cocking it and leveling it at her disgusting face. Hearing my dad's voice, saying 'Don't do this, she's not worth it. You have your whole life ahead of you.'
Turning toward him, as cold and numb as a statue, and calmly pointing the steel barrel right in his face, telling him, 'You brought her here, and she almost killed my mother'."
After that, somehow the gun went away, and so did everyone else, and then all I remember is standing alone in the middle of the den, looking at blood on the floor, the TV, the walls, and wondering, what do I do now?"
*********
"Jesus Christ." Billie felt a tear wind its way down his cheek, and felt as though the wind had been sucked out of his lungs. Li still plucked at the pillowcase corner, lost in her thoughts.
He put down the little book gently, as though it were fragile, overwhelmed by the pain and heartache between its worn covers. He understood pain--the loss of his father had left a scar on his soul that would never heal, and had planted a seed of anger in him that he struggled against every day of his life. But this was something different that she had been through, a betrayal of the worst kind, and he wished somehow that he knew how to take it all away.
For her, the pain had not made her bitter, and if she was angry, she turned it in on herself, not on those she loved. She had tried so hard, loved so much, and had lost so many people who were precious to her. Except Andi.
She raised her head, and finally met his eyes with hers. "Can you see now, that if I do this, if I let myself think I might have a chance to be with you, then I become her?" He could hear the despair in her voice.
"No, Li, what she did was--was monstrous. It was insane. That's not what's happening now. All you want is to be happy, and maybe that's all I want, too. Don't we owe it to each other to at least try?"
"And what about Adie? She's never done a thing to me. How can I walk into her life and pretend you're not her husband? She's the mother of your children. She's your wife. And I know she's got to be an incredible woman if she's the one you chose to spend your life with. As a woman--as a mother--I have to respect that, and that's why nothing like last night can ever happen again."
"I swear I don't know what else I can do. God knows, I've tried, but there's so much that I can't undo. She's already moving on, and she's made it clear it won't include me. I didn't choose this, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, waiting for something that's never going to happen."
"I think that's her way of trying to make herself believe she can live without you. Don't make the mistake of letting go so quickly. I know you still love her, and you have to keep trying."
"How long, Li? How long can a man try to change a woman's mind?"
Her throat was tight, and in her heart, she knew she was saying goodbye to the one man she could have loved more than Sam. She had seen the man Billie was inside, and he had learned a lot about himself in their short time together. Adie deserved to see that side of him before she let go for good.
"Until, Billie. Until," she answered.
As he turned back toward her, the pleading in her eyes stabbed his heart. He sat down beside her on the bed, the same bed where they had melted together in such joyous abandon just last night, and the distance between them now seemed like a chasm to him.
"I need for you to understand, Billie," she said, softly.
"It's okay, I do," he reassured her.
"No, you don't. I know you think it's all about Andi, and that's a big part of it. But I need you to know everything. I couldn't stand for you to leave thinking I just didn't care enough. Especially when nothing could be further from the truth." The vulnerability on her face made her look like a child. "I've never felt anything like this before, even--God help me, even for Sam..." Her voice was tiny now, and shaky with emotion.
He gently took the diary from her, a yellowed ribbon lying between its pages like a forgotten memory, and began to read.
*********
"September 9~
I saw him with her again today. It was really embarrassing--I was driving home with Kathy after school, and we saw them together in his car. I really hoped she didn't notice, but of course she did, and she asked me who was with Dad. I told her he was giving a ride to our neighbor because her car was in the shop. I don't think she believed me.
I don't know what to do. If I tell my mom, they'll probably end up getting a divorce, and then I'll feel like it was my fault for not keeping my mouth shut. But if she finds out, and knows I didn't say anything, then she'll feel like I betrayed her. And I can't talk to Dad because...well, he hasn't hit me in a while, but I don't want to make him start again, and he gets so mad at everything.
It's been going on for almost a year now, and I keep hoping they'll stop, but I don't think that's going to happen."
******
Billie looked up at her, his eyes soft with compassion.
"So your dad cheated on your mom, and you think you'd be cheating on Sam, even though he's not here. Now I understand," he said gently.
"No, actually you don't, not yet," she said, not looking at him. "It's not even about Sam. Just keep reading, okay?"
He turned back to the faded writing...
*******
"September 11~
She keeps calling our house and hanging up, or sometimes she'll call and when I answer, she calls me a whore, or a bitch, and then hangs up. How fucking lame is that for an adult? What did I ever do to her?
My mom has no clue who it is, or why she keeps calling. And of course, my dad isn't saying anything. Mom wants to ask the police to put a call tracer on the line so she can press charges.
I guess it'll all come out then."
"September 12~
Mom and Dad are going out of town for the day tomorrow with my brother, so I guess I'll be here working on my term paper. I really need to get an A on it since it's 75% of our grade, and college applications go out next week. I'm so stressed...wish me luck!"
"September 13~
She's been calling all day. I mean, every three or four minutes. If I unplug the phone, Mom and Dad can't call, so I don't leave it off for long. But as soon as I plug it back in, it starts ringing.
I told her we're calling the police, and she just laughed at me.
I wish Mom and Dad would hurry up and get home. I'm not scared, but I can't get anything done on my paper, and I'm ready to throw the damned phone through the window!"
*******
Billie whistled through his teeth. "Jeez, what a bitch! What was her fucking problem?"
Li sat silently, picking at the corner of the pillowcase, her face clouded with memories years past.
*********
"September 14~
The police called my mom last night and told her who had been making the phone calls, and my Dad finally spilled his guts. They had a really big fight, and then he ended up yelling at me, too. I think he might know I saw him. I told him I didn't care what he did, but he needed to keep his business out of our house and make her leave us alone.
He's stalking around the house now, fuming, because the phone's still ringing off the hook.
Mom's been in her room crying most of the day, and I don't know what to say to her. My brother and I have been in our rooms, pretty much scared to come out.
I hate this house so much..."
"September 15~
I couldn't deal with school--or anything--today. I can't think very well right now, so if I don't make much sense, that's why. I haven't slept at all, and I spent the night at Kathy's last night. I couldn't stay at home--there was too much blood, blood everywhere, and I couldn't figure out how to clean it all up by myself...
All day yesterday, the tension was so bad, and the fucking phone just kept ringing and ringing. Finally, my mom came out of her room, and screamed at my dad, "Will you please make your goddamned slut leave us alone?!??"
He got in the car and left, and we didn't know where he went until he called after dinner. He said he'd gone to that woman's house, and was trying to tell her they couldn't see each other anymore so she'd stop harassing us. Then he told my mom she wanted to come to our house and apologize for everything.
I really couldn't believe she told him it was okay, but I think she just wanted it to be over so bad, she was willing to agree to anything at that point.
When the car pulled up, Dad came in and asked my mom if she would come out to the car to talk. They went back outside, and my brother and I waited in the den. Then I saw something going on through the window, and when I went outside, Mom and Dad were holding her legs and one of her arms, and she was waving her fist, trying to hit them.
I didn't know what had happened, but they were trying to get her into the house, so I tried to catch her free arm to help them. She swung past my stomach, and when I looked down, my sweater had been sliced open.
I got a sick feeling, and realized things had gone really bad. I held the door open, and told my brother he should go call the police.
When they got the woman inside our den, my dad got the knife away from her, and I saw he was bleeding from two bad cuts on his hand and forehead. Then I looked over at my mom.
As she lifted her chin to look over at me, I gasped. Her throat had been cut almost from ear to ear, and I could see her windpipe, all white and shiny. For a minute, I didn't understand how she could be cut so bad and not be bleeding like a fountain, but it missed all the big vessels by some miracle.
The rest of the night is just a blur. I know I got ice for my mom and called the ambulance; I remember making sure my brother's friend was on the way to pick him up. What feels like a dream is remembering looking down at the loaded pistol in my hand, cocking it and leveling it at her disgusting face. Hearing my dad's voice, saying 'Don't do this, she's not worth it. You have your whole life ahead of you.'
Turning toward him, as cold and numb as a statue, and calmly pointing the steel barrel right in his face, telling him, 'You brought her here, and she almost killed my mother'."
After that, somehow the gun went away, and so did everyone else, and then all I remember is standing alone in the middle of the den, looking at blood on the floor, the TV, the walls, and wondering, what do I do now?"
*********
"Jesus Christ." Billie felt a tear wind its way down his cheek, and felt as though the wind had been sucked out of his lungs. Li still plucked at the pillowcase corner, lost in her thoughts.
He put down the little book gently, as though it were fragile, overwhelmed by the pain and heartache between its worn covers. He understood pain--the loss of his father had left a scar on his soul that would never heal, and had planted a seed of anger in him that he struggled against every day of his life. But this was something different that she had been through, a betrayal of the worst kind, and he wished somehow that he knew how to take it all away.
For her, the pain had not made her bitter, and if she was angry, she turned it in on herself, not on those she loved. She had tried so hard, loved so much, and had lost so many people who were precious to her. Except Andi.
She raised her head, and finally met his eyes with hers. "Can you see now, that if I do this, if I let myself think I might have a chance to be with you, then I become her?" He could hear the despair in her voice.
"No, Li, what she did was--was monstrous. It was insane. That's not what's happening now. All you want is to be happy, and maybe that's all I want, too. Don't we owe it to each other to at least try?"
"And what about Adie? She's never done a thing to me. How can I walk into her life and pretend you're not her husband? She's the mother of your children. She's your wife. And I know she's got to be an incredible woman if she's the one you chose to spend your life with. As a woman--as a mother--I have to respect that, and that's why nothing like last night can ever happen again."
"I swear I don't know what else I can do. God knows, I've tried, but there's so much that I can't undo. She's already moving on, and she's made it clear it won't include me. I didn't choose this, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, waiting for something that's never going to happen."
"I think that's her way of trying to make herself believe she can live without you. Don't make the mistake of letting go so quickly. I know you still love her, and you have to keep trying."
"How long, Li? How long can a man try to change a woman's mind?"
Her throat was tight, and in her heart, she knew she was saying goodbye to the one man she could have loved more than Sam. She had seen the man Billie was inside, and he had learned a lot about himself in their short time together. Adie deserved to see that side of him before she let go for good.
"Until, Billie. Until," she answered.