Please Don't Make Me Beg

*Andi's POV*

It was so good hearing my mom's voice. It made me feel safer, somehow, just to talk to her. Now I know she's been worried about me all this time, and I wish I hadn't left the way I did.

There's a part of me that has a hard time believing how things have changed; I think of Evan the way I used to, and then I remember what's been happening, and it's like falling off a building. I guess I'm weird, but a part of me is so goddamned angry that we had this chance to show what our band was capable of, and now he's screwed it all up.

If we do make it all the way out there, if nothing goes wrong between now and then, I hope Dan and I can look for another drummer and keep trying. I know that music is what I want to do more than anything in the world, and I know we're good at it, or Craig would never have offered us this chance. If I let Evan take this away from me, then it's like he wins....

Am I nuts?

***********

Sleep didn't come easily for Andi that night. She mostly took catnaps, short snippets of sleep that brought with them dreams that disturbed her and lingered after she woke like memories of things in another life. As she lay staring at the ceiling, she asked herself for the fiftieth time if somehow she was to blame.

An eternity later, she woke to see a trace of light out the window. The street lights were still on, but she could see a few people on the roads, and she thought she could smell the fragrance of coffee drifting under her door from another room.

Shower. Dress. Repack. She moved automatically, not really thinking about what she was doing. Then, hearing no movement from the boys' room, she climbed back under the covers, fully dressed, and turned on the TV to a movie she didn't recognize. The noise was soothing, even if she didn't really hear the words.

She napped a little longer, and then woke to a knock on her door. "Time to get up, babe," Evan's voice called.

"I'm up," she replied with false cheerfulness. Hearing him again made her feel sick, and she thought for moment--if she just didn't unlock the door, what would he do? He couldn't get in, and she could just wait here for her mom. That was it--she'd just refuse to come out, and he'd have to go on by himself.

Well, not exactly by himself. What if he decided to take his anger out on Dan again, but this time no one else was around to help? At least if there were two of them, they had a good chance against him. No, she couldn't leave Dan alone, not after all he had done to help her.

She joined them in the hall and they walked down to the elevator together. Evan and Dan were deciding who would drive first, more at ease with each other than yesterday. Maybe a good night's sleep was what he needed after all.

Once they were in the car, the atmosphere seemed relaxed, and they laughed and talked as they always had. The day before seemed to melt away like one of her bad dreams, and she began to have hope that the trip might turn out the way they had planned.

The day played out in pieces. Drive a few hundred miles, stop for a break, drive some more, have lunch, drive...monotonous, but as they began to head into Arizona, she was amazed at the beauty of the desert and took dozens of pictures.

They reached Oakland late in the evening, after picking up drive-through food once they'd crossed into California. Excitement had gotten the best of all of them, and as Dan got out the directions to the Adeline Records office, they watched the road signs like children watching for Santa Claus.

Suddenly Andi saw the familiar black and white sign, and screamed "There it is! There it is!" The boys craned their necks to see the object of all their planning and effort, and even though the lights were off and no cars were in the parking lot, it was the most beautiful sight they had ever seen.

Tomorrow, Andi thought. Tomorrow we'll be inside, talking to Craig, and maybe we'll even be a part of the Adeline family before long.

Hearts still racing, they found their way to Telegraph Avenue and headed north into Berkeley. They located the Hotel Durant, near the university campus, and to no one's surprise, found their rooms to be much nicer than those in the small Oklahoma town the night before.

The view outside the hotel was a magical sight to the three young faces at the window. Somewhere out there, they knew, was Gilman Street, which until now had been only a legend in their minds. They could almost see the footprints of the bands they admired, who had earned their stripes and paid their dues here, and now it was their turn. They had come to make their mark.

As fatigue began to catch up with them, they grew quieter until Dan stretched and yawned hugely. "Hey, man, let's go get some Z's so we can be stoked tomorrow," he said to Evan.

"Yeah, sounds good. I'll be there in just a second," Evan answered. He was smiling at Andi, his face calm and peaceful. Impulsively, she reached up to wrap her arms around his neck, and kissed him softly under his ear.

Opening her eyes, she saw Dan watching them warily, and she gave him a tiny nod to let him know it was okay. He hesitated for a moment, clearly unconvinced, then turned toward the door. "Well, don't be too long, dude. If you fall asleep while we're playing, you'll...you'll get a drumstick in your eye or something."

Andi and Evan snorted laughter against each other's lips--Dan had interrupted the first real kiss they had shared in two days. She had to confess, it felt wonderful.

"Fine--you go get your Spongebob pajamas on and I'll come tuck you in." Evan was still chuckling as Dan shuffled toward their room. When he turned back to Andi, his voice was soft and low.

"Hey, babe, I want you to know how sorry I am for what happened back at the rest stop. I don't know what I was thinking--I was tired, and nervous, and just wound up so tight I didn't realize what I was doing. And then when I got a good look at your face, it made me sick to think I'd done that to you. I mean, I fucking love you, Andi. I'd rather take a bullet than do anything to hurt you. If you can ever forgive me, I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you."

Unshed tears sparkled on his lashes, surprising Andi with their naked emotion. His hands around her waist were gentle and warm, and with relief, she felt the strained connection between them renewing itself.

As she smiled back at him, the pain around her eye flared again, almost as a reminder, and her smile faltered. Her heart wanted so much to believe him, but the memory was still so fresh.

He looked at the floor, shame painting his face. He spoke so softly that it was hard to catch the words.

"I don't blame you if you can't forgive me. I can't forgive myself yet. All I can hope for is that you'll let me prove myself to you. You're everything to me, and I'll do whatever it takes." He stood still, quiet, waiting for her to decide.

Her feelings were warring inside her until she heard an almost inaudible sob escape his throat, and that sound melted her every defense. She took his shaking body in her arms, held him close to her, stroked his hair, his back. She laid her cheek next to his, and whispered into his ear.

"You did hurt me, Evan, and it scared me a lot because that's not like you. But I know you care about me. I feel the same way, and I don't want to lose you. Just promise me it'll never happen again because I can't stand to be afraid of you. I don't ever want to feel that way again."

"God, Andi, I--" His voice broke, and as he pulled her close to him, his body shook with emotion. She held him until he pulled away from her and took her face in his hands. His kiss was sweet, tender, and as he brushed her face with the back of his hand, she saw in his eyes the love that had been missing for too long.

As their hands parted at the door, she watched him disappear into his room, and sighed happily.

That night, in the city by the bay, she dreamed only of him.