Please Don't Make Me Beg

Billie was right. Adie deserved nothing less than the truth, and if she was unwilling to help them after she heard what he had to say, then Li thought she couldn't really blame her.

She took a deep breath, not wanting to agree with him on this, but having few other options. "Do me one favor, okay?" she asked. "Please let her know I never meant to hurt her, or to cause problems for you."

"Our problems were there before I ever met you, Li. You didn't cause them, and you didn't force me to spend the night with you."

"As one woman to another, it means a lot to me that she knows."

"I understand, and I promise to tell her everything. You may find you've underestimated her--she's really very strong and very fair. Now, you get some rest. I'm going to call her and see how things go. I'll talk to you first thing in the morning."

The air outside on the balcony was starting to get chilly, and she was glad to get back into the room. Stevie was still awake, watching television, but she turned it off when Li came back inside. Her nerves were frayed, too, and she was eager for any bit of news.

Neither of them could sleep, so they talked for a while longer, and Li explained how she had met Billie. She told Stevie what he had said about enlisting Adie's help, and the girl nodded, agreeing with everything he had said.

"I think it's a great idea. I mean, there are a lot of other people working there, and she'll be able to keep the kids there until you can get to the studio," Stevie said.

"That's what I'm hoping--with other people there, I don't think anything is likely to happen. At least I hope so."

"I was just wondering, since Billie is going with you the rest of the way, would it be a problem if I went back home to be with my mom? I know she's going to find out pretty soon what Evan did, and I think she's going to need me to support her when she does. I can take the car back for you so you don't have to come back here on the way home."

And so they agreed that Li would make the rest of the journey with Billie, and bring Andi home safe. He in turn would stay with his family and work things out with Adie. Everything would be as it should be.

Except for Li's heart...

**********

As soon as he finished talking with Li, Billie sighed deeply and dialed Adie's cell number. He knew she would answer a call from his phone no matter what time it was.

"'Lo?" she said in a soft, sleepy voice.

"Hi, Adie. It's me." It was good hearing her voice, and he could almost picture her beautiful hair flowing across the pillow, her dark eyes half-lidded with sleep.

"Billie, are you okay? It's--what time is it? It's almost 1 am--is everything alright?" It wasn't unheard of for him to call this late on show nights, but he usually tried not to wake the children if he could help it.

"I'm fine, baby. You and the boys okay?"

"Yeah, we're doing fine. They wore themselves out in the pool and fell asleep about 9:30."

He chuckled at the thought of their tiny brown bodies draped haphazardly across their beds, sleeping in impossible positions, tousled hair and breath sweet as cookies and clover. The love for them swelled his heart the way nothing else could, and he missed them for the millionth time.

"I just wanted to let you know I'm headed home and should be there sometime tomorrow afternoon."

"Okay. Do you need me to pick you up at the airport?" If he didn't know better, he would have said it sounded like old times. That was a good sign--maybe it was because he had caught her sleepy, but at least she was willing to let him come home. After some of the things she had told him earlier, he wasn't sure he could even take that for granted.

"It's okay. I appreciate it, but I think I may just get a cab. I didn't want to get there without telling you something else, though." He took a deep breath and plunged in. "There's someone coming back with me, a friend who needs our help. Her daughter is in trouble, and we're in kind of a unique position to be able to help her out."

"Well, if you'll tell me what's going on, I'll try," she yawned.

"Before you agree to do this, maybe you better let me explain..." and he began to tell her how he had met Li, and the conversation they'd had about their families. He told her about Sam, and how they had shared their pain and loss with each other. He told her about Andi, and Evan, and what he hoped she would be willing to do to help the girl. He had told her almost everything, when she quietly interrupted him.

"There's one thing I would like to know, Billie, and I know you'll be honest with me. If you just met this woman a few days ago, it seems strange to me that you would get so involved in her life. I've never asked you this question before because I've never had to. Did you sleep with her?"

She was uncanny. She knew, no matter how casual he had tried to be, how gently he had tried to broach the subject. His pulse was racing, and he realized that the future of his marriage, and his relationship with his sons, could all change here and now if he wasn't honest with her.

"It happened, Adie, and I'm sorry. I didn't intend for it to, but it did. I don't really expect you to believe me, but the main thing we talked about that first evening was how I could fix things between you and me, I swear. But then I called you to try to see if we could keep working on things between us, and you told me about Billy Bisson..."

"So you wanted to show me you could have someone else, too, was that it?" She didn't sound angry, just hurt and sad. He thought that maybe angry would have been easier to hear.

"No, that wasn't the reason. It would be easy for me to say it was, but it wasn't that simple. When you told me you didn't want me to come home again, I thought I had lost everything. I was hurt, and frustrated, and angry with myself for being such an idiot. But mostly I was lonely, and afraid I'd be lonely for a very long time. I just needed...I needed not to be alone."

He could hear her steady breathing as she considered his words, weighed the truth of them. He only hoped that in spite of the gulf that lay between them now, she was still able to sense his sincerity the way she always had before.

"Sounds like you and she had a lot in common," she finally answered, the pain thinly disguised.

"Maybe that's the reason it happened, I don't know. But the difference between us was that she didn't lose someone wonderful like you because she was selfish and stupid. And that's the short version, isn't it, Adie? I've lost you forever, haven't I?"

There was no answer, except the faint crackle of the cell lines.

He nodded, his eyes closed. "It's okay, I understand. I think I knew the answer before I asked you. I really can't expect you to feel the same after all you've put up with from me. I just wish I had one more chance to prove to you that I see things differently now. You always deserved better than me, but I think I could have been a better man, if I hadn't learned too late."

"Billie, I don't think you do understand. From the moment I met you--and every minute since--no one, no one else on earth, has ever made me feel the way you do. I look at our sons, and I see your face and your spirit. Every time I hear your music, it makes my heart beat faster because I'm so incredibly proud of you. But it's not always enough just to love someone. To be married, to live every day together, and raise a family, you have to want the same things. I need stability for Joey and Jakob, a life they can depend on not to change at the drop of a hat. I know how much you love Green Day, Billie, and because you do, I just don't think it's in you to live that way. And I'm just as sorry about that as you are."

And in that moment, connected only by the ephemeral strand of their voices across thousands of miles, he knew it was true. No amount of love would ever be able to bridge the gap for him between Adie and the band, because each of them needed all he had, and hard as he might try, he was only one man.

"The luckiest day of my life was the day you said you'd marry me. You've given me the best thirteen years of my life, and you've loved me through things that would have made any other woman turn her back on me. How do I ever thank you for that?"

"Keep being a good father to the boys. They'll always need you, no matter how old they get. Let them know how proud you are of them, and how much you love them."

"Nothing could stop me," he said fiercely.

"And...Billie?"

"What, baby?"

"Promise me you'll always be my friend."

Somehow he choked out the words to assure her that he would never stop loving her, never stop needing her friendship. He could feel the earth tilting crazily under his feet--it was all quietly coming to an end, their life together that he had thought would last until their dying breath, and he couldn't even touch her to comfort her.

"Tell Li I'll help her daughter. I don't think any mother could say no, knowing what the girl's been through. I can't imagine how Andi must feel, but there's no way I could stand by and let him hurt her."

"Thank you, Adie--God, thank you so much. You are such an amazing woman, and I'm going to hate myself forever for letting you go."

"Don't, Billie. I don't want you punishing yourself. This isn't your fault--it just is what it is. I knew who you were when I married you, and I wouldn't change a thing. But you deserve to be happy, too, and I want you to promise me you won't pass up the chance again, okay?"

He sniffled as he laughed through his tears. "You know me, Adie, stupid to the bone."

Her voice turned serious. "Don't ever say that again. You may be the most brilliant man I've ever known. You live what you believe, and you aren't afraid to care. I do love that about you, and I'm proud of you for living your heart. This is the man I've always known you are, and I hope our sons grow up to be just like you."

And now he couldn't speak at all, except to croak out, "I love you, 80. I'll always love you..."