Please Don't Make Me Beg

Billie had slept little after talking with Adie. Too many memories insisted on playing through his mind, like ghosts he couldn't touch. He immersed himself in their sad sweetness, and said his goodbyes to each one in turn.

His heart soared with the youthful joy of his and Adie's wedding day, all nerves and hope, her beauty dazzling him like the brightest sunlight. He felt once again the devastating joy of holding his sons for the first time, Adie's tired face shining with pride as she rested from the hard work of birth. He remembered birthdays, trips to the beach, making love to his beautiful wife as soft music floated through the window of their Paris hotel. So many pieces of their lives, and now they felt like discarded photographs to be boxed and stored away.

The flight to Memphis was booked for mid-morning the next day; then he and Li would be on their way to Oakland on a connecting flight in the afternoon. He breathed a silent prayer that Andi would be alright tonight, and that Adrienne would watch over her tomorrow until they could reach the studio and Li could take her home.

He tried again to forget how angry it made him to think of Evan taking such monstrous advantage of her trust, but found his hands kept curling into tight fists of rage. When he finally fell into a fitful sleep, there was no one on the bus to hear his shouting as he took out his fury on Evan in his dreams...

**********

Both Li and Billie felt the awkwardness between them the next day, as they waited at the airport and sat side by side on the plane. They shared a friendly hug that each of them wanted to be so much more, but then retreated to a safe, uncomfortable distance that played itself out in short sentences and mindless small talk.

Billie didn't tell her about his conversation with Adie until she made a point of asking how it had gone. Even then, he didn't dwell on the subject any longer than necessary.

"It was as good as it could have been. I told her the truth, and she listened to everything. And she's willing to help Andi out tomorrow. Like I said, she's a pretty special woman."

"So everything turned out well?"

He wouldn't lie to her, but he knew that Li had made her decision about him, just as Adie had. There was nothing to be gained by telling her that Adie had turned him away again, except that guilty sadness in her eyes that broke his heart.

"Yeah, everything turned out okay." It was only a lie in that he hadn't told her everything. It felt as if some enormous weight rested on his chest, making it hard to breathe. But he supposed it was better this way. He would do what he could for her, and then wish her well when she returned to her home and her life. She had tried so hard to help him, he could do no less for her.

They napped for a while after lunch, and she was the first to wake up as the plane began to circle the Oakland airport. She looked over at his sleeping face, not peaceful as it had been when she had woken up beside him yesterday, but troubled with bad dreams.

She covered his hand with hers, and whispered, "Billie, we're almost there. Wake up."

His eyelids drifted open slowly, his eyes red with fatigue. He looked older than he had yesterday, and she would have given anything to lie with him, his head on her chest, caressing his head and chasing away the worries that were tormenting him.

She blinked the thought away, and instead offered him a weak but heartfelt smile. "Hey, how you doin'?" she asked.

He drew a deep breath and stretched his stiff arms as he released it.

"I'm okay. How about you? Are you ready to meet California?"

"Yeah, I think so. I have a really good tour guide, so I think I'll be fine."

"So will Andi. Don't worry about her anymore. Everything's going to be great from here on out."

"I sure hope so. It's awful, feeling so helpless to do anything for her."

"You are doing something. You're taking her out of a dangerous situation, and loving and supporting her."

"You're right. But it's impossible to keep from feeling that I should have protected her from this somehow. Crazy, isn't it?"

From the airport, they took a cab into Berkeley, and as it stopped in front of his Spanish-style home, she felt a tight knot in her stomach.

"I can't come in, Billie. This is your and Adie's home, and I have no place there. I'll get a room somewhere and you can call me in the morning when they get to Adeline."

He hesitated for a moment, trying to decide what was the best thing to do. "Wait here just a couple of minutes, okay?" he asked the cab driver, who nodded agreement.

Billie jogged up the driveway, pulling his suitcase behind him, and disappeared into the shadows of the house. Li wondered what he was doing, and if she should wait for him or just go on to a hotel. She fidgeted nervously, feeling like an intruder outside their beautiful home. She tried not to picture the scenario that might play out if Adrienne saw her and came outside to confront her. Once again, she felt the guilt creep over her, making her feel as if she didn't really know who she was.

Fifteen minutes had passed, and she was almost ready to ask the driver to take her away when she saw Billie coming back down the driveway.

He opened the door, motioning her to step out as well. "No, Billie, this isn't going to work!" she protested, but he reached into the car and gently took her wrists, pulling her out onto the sidewalk. He lifted her suitcase out of the trunk and leaned in the passenger window to pay the driver, then turned back to her, a gently scolding look on his face.

"Don't argue, Li. Adie left me a note and said that her friend, Lisa, invited her and the boys over so the kids could all play together, and she's spending the night. You don't get a choice--you have to stay here."

It was just too convenient, she thought. The big, empty house, wife and kids away for the night--what was he trying to do?

But she was surprised to find that he wasn't trying anything at all. He gallantly carried her suitcase up to the spare bedroom, showed her where everything was, even brought her a spare pillow. They had a quiet dinner in front of the television, and when it got late, he walked her to her room and gave her an almost brotherly hug goodnight. She sank into the softness of the bed, pulling the down comforter up to her chin, and wondered just what the fuck she was doing. He was going to stay with Adie, and that's what she had hoped he would do, but now that she knew it, she felt so....sad, so lost. It tormented her that he was sleeping peacefully in a room not twenty feet from her, and here she was, alone in a huge, empty bed, just as she imagined she would be for the rest of her life.

She couldn't turn her senses off, and her mind was reeling with the closeness of him. She could hear his voice whispering in her ear, and the memory of his soft lips on her skin was like the thought of water to someone dying of thirst. The scent of his shampoo clung to the pillowcase, and she realized this must be the room where he had been staying. That would all change now, she thought.

*************

Billie lay with his hands behind his head, staring out the window at the moonlight. Everything felt so surreal--lying in the bed he and Adie used to share, all alone, all too aware of Li sleeping in the bed that had been his for so long. What would happen, he wondered, if he went to her and told her what Adie had said? Would she think he had manipulated her, that he was only giving lip service to his promise to try to save his marriage? He decided that with the worries she was carrying, the last thing she needed was drama and stress. But God, how he wanted to hold her, just once more, before she disappeared from his life for good.

He groaned, and rolled over on his stomach. He felt as if he were in limbo, not belonging with either woman, and wondered sadly if he would be alone forever.