Please Don't Make Me Beg

Li tried to catch her daughter as she crumpled to the ground, but her hands seemed to be moving in slow motion, as if through water. She reached for Andi to try to comfort her, but the girl was crawling frantically across the pavement toward Dan's motionless body. Li stumbled, feet numb and uncooperative, to Dan's side, and knelt beside Andi, who was sobbing as though her heart would break.

Her daughter had clasped Dan's limp hand to her chest, and was crooning over and over to him, "Dan, please hang on, please don't leave me. I don't know what would have happened to me if it weren't for you. You have to hang on, okay? Please don't leave me alone. Dan, it's Andi, please, please stay with me..."

The boy's eyes were fixed, not focusing, and to her horror, Li saw a trickle of blood from the corner of his mouth. Where the hell was the ambulance? What should they do for him?

She looked up, and directly into Adie's frightened eyes. In that moment, everything that hovered silently between them simply disappeared, the mothers in them reaching out to each other for strength. There was a child in desperate trouble, and nothing else mattered.

"Do you have any blankets?" Li asked. "If he's going into shock, we need to keep him warm."

"I think so, there's a couple they use to stuff the drums." Adie's voice was already fading as she sprang to her feet and ran inside.

"Should we get him into the car and take him ourselves?" Craig asked, visibly shaken. "He needs help right now!"

Billie shook his head. "If we try to move him, we may make it worse than it already is." He looked off into the distance, concentrating on something. "I think I hear them heading this way."

There was nothing they could do but wait.

*********

It fell to Li to call Dan's father and give him the bad news. She broke it to him as gently as she could, trying to offer some hope without sugar-coating Dan's grave injuries. She answered as many of his questions as possible, and then set about the task of gathering all the mundane information the hospital required--medical history, allergies, insurance, none of which seemed to matter at the moment.

Andi had the gray, shocked look of someone who has lost touch with reality after one too many blows. She sat quietly at the end of the waiting room couch, twisting the drawstring of her hoodie absently, and stared unblinking at nothing in particular. The bruise Evan had given her stood out starkly now against her pale skin, a mute reminder of the devastation he had left. Behind her, the television droned an infomercial, banal noise so out of place here where life hung by a thread and lives waited to change forever.

Adie and Craig had stayed behind to talk with the police, and had promised to join them at the hospital as soon as they could.

Billie tried his best to sit still as they waited for some word from the doctors, but his body was like a live wire, forcing him to get up and pace down the hall every few minutes. Hands in his pockets, he tried to put all the pieces of the last week together, and figure out where it all left him. He'd always felt in control of his life, and knew what he wanted and how to get there. But for the first time, he had to admit that he was lost.

"Mr. Armstrong?" The nurse's voice startled him out of his thoughts. "I'm so sorry to bother you, but could we offer a private waiting room for you and your family?" She smiled a little awkwardly. "There's beginning to be a bit of a crowd gathering, and security wants to make sure you aren't disturbed."

Billie looked down the hall, and saw two uniformed security officers talking with a group of people, some carrying cameras. He had grown accustomed to the stares and nervous requests for autographs, in the airport, the market, even eating dinner at a restaurant. But he was amazed--and a little disappointed--that he could find no privacy here, of all places.

"Sure," he sighed, tiredly. "I don't want to cause any trouble."

"It's no trouble at all," she said kindly. "We just don't want people to intrude on you at a difficult time."

At the end of the hall was a door marked "Staff Lounge," which she held open for him. "We've got a new break room closer to the nurse's station, so this isn't really being used at the moment. It can be locked from the inside, so please feel free to relax here as long as you need to. I'll let your wife know, too."

"I appreciate it a lot," he said, patting her shoulder. He didn't bother correcting her assumption. "I could use a few minutes to myself."

"Just let us know if you need anything." She eased the door closed, and he heard the squeak of her sneakers drifting away down the hall.

The silence surrounded him, and it was as if his mind, finally free of distractions, opened wide and spilled its chaotic contents on the floor. Elbows on knees, head in his hands, he closed his eyes and let it all really sink in.

His marriage had ended, like a beloved book after the final chapter. At almost the same time, this woman, this special woman, had crossed paths with him, leaving him longing to hold on to her, to keep her with him as long as he could. Her daughter--a beautiful young girl, he thought, now that he had met her, one that any parent would be proud of--had been violated by the sick bastard that she had loved and trusted, and now Dan...he couldn't shake the image of Dan stretched out on the pavement at Adeline, his young life rapidly leaking from the rude wound in his chest.

There would be time later on to ask Andi what had gone on as they were traveling to California, but his instincts told him that Dan had been the wall that stood between her and that monster. How fucked up, that a kid that strong and decent was under the knife at that very moment, depending on the skill of the surgeons for his survival, and Evan was whole and healthy.

Shit like this was why he couldn't believe in God.

Jesus, he needed a drink...

There was a soft knock at the door, and before he could answer, it opened slowly. Li's dark head appeared, smiling somberly when she saw him. She let the door shush closed behind her.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you. I just got worried when you were gone so long. Are you holding up okay?" Her arms were crossed, fighting the need to reach out to him.

Smiling, he shook his head. "You're the one who's been through hell. Why are you worried about me?"

"Because none of this was your problem to deal with, but you've ended up right in the middle of it. I don't know how I could ever thank you for all you've done."

He patted the cushion beside him, and she sank into it with a sigh. Her mind, like his, was numb and reeling with the memories of the last few days, and more than anything, she wished she could just turn it off for a few minutes and rest.

"How's Andi?" he asked, taking her hand and stroking it gently.

"She finally fell asleep on the couch. The nurses brought her a pillow and blanket and I sat with her for a few minutes to make sure she was resting. I think she just needs to get away from everything for a while. Understandable, isn't it?"

He nodded sympathetically. "Good, I'm glad she's able to sleep. She needs it. I keep trying to imagine how anyone could hurt someone as sweet as she is, what was going through her mind when he turned on her."

"You're ahead of me, then. I can't even think about it right now. Every time I do, I get so angry I want to kill him, and that takes my focus off of Andi and Dan."

"Pretty easy to see why you'd feel that way, don't you think?" he offered.

"Maybe. But I think they need as much calm and peace as they can get right now, and my getting pissed off isn't going to help."

Instinctively, he lifted his arm and draped it around her shoulders, pulling her head against his chest. To his surprise, she didn't resist. She turned so her back was against him, and settled into his embrace, welcoming the comfort. There was nowhere else for her to turn, and it was so easy to trust him. She needed someone to lean on, desperately, and he was so willing, so caring. The battles could wait, just for a little while.

"You know," he began, "you said that you didn't know how to thank me, and you know it's not necessary to. But if you're really asking, there is something you could do."

She laughed softly. "I'd be a real jerk if I didn't at least ask you what it is, wouldn't I?"

"Yeah, you would." He smiled his sweet, crooked smile, the one that melted her heart and muddled her mind.

"Okay, so tell me." She looked up into his face, half expecting him to make a typical, lewd Billie request to lighten the mood. But instead, he said nothing, his breathtaking green eyes gazing into hers longingly.

She looked away at last, still stroking the hand he had laid across her stomach. "Oh, Billie...we've had this conversation already. You know where it's going to go."

"Not this time," he whispered against her ear.

She turned to face him, not understanding his meaning. "Nothing's changed. The way we left things...that's the way it has to be." She made her voice as soft as she could, but the words were still hard to say.

"I want you to understand, I tried with everything I had. I gave it my best, one hundred percent. But it's just not meant to be, and Adie and I have agreed that it's over for us. Not in anger, no fight or anything, just acceptance. We're both ready to move on."

He couldn't read Li's emotions; her face didn't change, but he could tell the weight of his words was rolling through her mind like thunder.

"But you told me everything had worked out okay," she said. "You said that, I remember." She didn't know if he was being completely honest with her now or not.

"And it did. Not the way you thought I meant, but it's still okay. We were able to salvage our friendship, and we'll still work together to be good parents to the boys, even if we aren't together as a couple. That's what's most important. And that's why I told you--truthfully--that it worked out." He explained it to her patiently, knowing how thinly she was stretched, and not wanting to upset her by seeming to deceive her.

She could feel her arguments, one by one, falling aside in her mind, until she faced the last, the most stubborn of them, the one that would make no sense to anyone but her.

"I'm sorry you couldn't save your relationship, Billie, but it's really great that you could leave it on a positive level. Joey and Jakob will be fine with the two of you as parents. I'm really glad for you."

She couldn't miss the hurt look in his eyes. "Is that all?" he asked. "That's all you want to say?"

She lowered her head. "It's all I can say, Billie."

"I don't understand. You told me that we couldn't be together as long as there was hope for Adie and me. But that's not going to happen, and there's no guilt or shame in it. Even Adie said, it just is what it is."

"I know. And that's the best thing for everybody concerned, when there's no regrets or hard feelings." She was avoiding, dancing around the unspoken question his heart wanted so much to ask.

"Then it's okay for me to do this..." and he stood up slowly, pulling her to her feet. "And this..." he said, sliding his arm slowly around her waist. "Maybe even this..." he said, and before she could protest, he took her other hand in his and began to slowly, gently sway back and forth, holding her close against him, rocking her soothingly.

Tired, so tired of fighting what she felt, she allowed her head to sink against his shoulder. He bent his head so his lips were next to her ear, and began to sing, very slowly and softly:

"Where e'er you go,
You know I'll be there."

She closed her eyes, feeling the tears begin to sting. She wanted so much not to need him this way, but he knew, he knew everything in her heart, and she didn't even have to speak it.

"If you go far,
You know I'll be there..."

She slid her hand from his, and wrapped her arms around him. She pressed her cheek against his, loving the low sound of his voice and the warmth of his hands at the small of her back.

With no music but the sound of his voice, they lost themselves in their private dance, clinging together in a moment that they knew might not last.

His eyes found hers, and his hand cupped the side of her face, his thumb gently brushing her cheek. His lips hovered over hers without touching, and he moved his gaze from her eyes to her soft, full mouth, and then back again.

His fingers laced through her silky hair, stroking the back of her neck and giving her goosebumps. He trailed his fingertips down her neck, across her collarbone, and around to the other side. His head bent lower, and she could feel the heat of his breath against the pounding pulse in her throat, but still, he did not touch his lips to her skin. His hair tickled her jawline, and his arm around her body held her so tightly she could feel his heartbeat against her chest.

"Li?" he murmured.

"Billie," she answered, feeling her knees growing weak.

"I'm not going to kiss you unless you ask me to." His fingers slid gently down her arm to her elbow. "I won't force anything on you that you don't want. But I'm not giving up on us. So you have to tell me if that's what you want."

"Oh?" She felt faraway, floating.

"Yes, you have to say it." His powerful arm tightened ever so slightly around her, pressing her close against him.

"Oh..." She was forgetting where they were, everything happening around them.

"So if you want this as much as I do, then you need to ask me now." He moved his hand to the back of her head, and with his other hand, he tipped her chin upwards. He smiled reassuringly, letting her know that she was safe, protected...loved.

"I do?" She was helpless now, lost in him, lost with him. Everything else was melting away for this one moment, and she could stop being strong and let him be there for her. He was strong enough for both of them.

"Yes, you do." He tilted his head to one side, his lids lowering.

"Billie?" she whispered, letting go, letting her heart open like a flower coming into bloom.

"Yes, Li?" He cradled her head in his hand, his mouth almost touching hers.

"Please kiss me..."