Please Don't Make Me Beg

She closed her eyes, and the softness that met her lips melted any trace of defenses she might have had left. There was no rush, no urgency, just the slow caress of his mouth, his arms pulling her tight against his body, breath warm against her cheek. Now his hand moved to her side, resting on the dip of her waist, and her head slowly relaxed until it rested on his shoulder.

It felt, somehow, like their first kiss, as if the night they had spent together hadn't really happened and they were discovering each other for the first time. It felt different somehow, and she realized it was not just her body that was reacting to him, but her heart.

He sighed softly against her lips, the low rumble of his voice sending a wave of pleasure through her that caused her to sigh in response. Her arms wound around his shoulders, and she could feel the hard muscles there working under his shirt as he pulled her close, as close as their bodies could get, so close that their hearts beat together in time.

At last they released their hold on each other, and he brushed her hair back from her eyes, cupping her face in his hands.

"That's not fair," he said, smiling down at her. "I think you were holding out on me before."

After everything they had shared already, it was silly, she knew, but she blushed in spite of herself. "Not on purpose," she answered, stroking his cheek. "I guess I just had to know that it was okay to feel this way."

"And?"

"You want to know what made it different for me this time? It was Sam."

"Okay, you've lost me," he said, shaking his head.

"His voice, I mean. For the first time since I met you, I didn't hear him telling me that I was betraying his memory. He's let me go--or I've let him go, I guess it doesn't matter which."

"You were faithful to him for a long time, Li. Maybe he wants you to know it's your turn to be happy now, and he's telling you that it's okay because he knows I'll never hurt you."

Before she could answer him, a knock at the door interrupted them. The nurse who had shown them the room opened the door cautiously.

"Excuse me, but I just wanted to let you know we've heard from the doctors. Your daughter is still sleeping, but you may want to wake her up. The surgeon is coming down in a few minutes to give you an update. Should I have her meet you in the waiting room?"

"That would be fine," Li said a little nervously. She looked to Billie for support, and he nodded reassuringly. Together they headed back to be with Andi and prepare her for whatever they were about to hear.

As they reached the waiting room, they found Adie and Craig had just arrived, but Andi was still napping. Adie was bent over the young girl, making sure she hadn't been hurt in the chaos.

"How is Dan?" she asked anxiously. "We've been so worried about him."

"Is he still in surgery?" Craig added.

"I don't know yet. They're coming to talk to us in a minute," Li replied. "I really wish his father was here." She was surprised--and touched--when Adie approached her and gave her a gentle hug. Though she was startled, she returned the embrace, gratitude rushing through her veins.

"And how is Andi holding up?" Adrienne asked. "She's been through an awful lot in the last few days, hasn't she?"

"She's pretty exhausted, and I think a little numb right now. But it scares me to think how much worse it could have been if she hadn't had you looking out for her. I truly don't know what to say to you just now. You have no idea how grateful I am for your help. And I--I feel really awkward..." She was floundering, desperate to know the right thing to say. She had expected this to be so different, and Adie's compassion had completely caught her off guard.

Adie's eyes held no anger toward her. "You don't have to feel that way. I mean, I guess I can understand why you do, but please don't think I blame you. I know that sometimes things just don't work out the way you hope they will, and that's what happened with us."

Their voices were quiet, hushed beneath Billie and Craig's conversation and the drone of the TV.

Li tried not to show the shame she was feeling. "I was afraid you'd hate me for having these feelings for him. I'm not sure I wouldn't if I were in your place."

"If you were responsible for our problems, I guess I might. But this has been coming for a long time. Besides, the decision was more mine than Billie's. Did he tell you that?"

"Not exactly. He just said you'd made the decision together, and that the boys were your main focus. I really wanted him to try to work it out with you," she explained, "and so did he. You were all he talked about the night I met him--you and your sons. Adrienne, you ought to know, he was a broken man when he realized he was losing you."

Adie looked thoughtful for a moment, trying to weigh the truth of the words, but she remembered the pain in Billie's voice during those difficult phone calls, and knew it was so.

"He really is a good man," she said. "Our marriage was never terrible, it just wasn't what we both needed. And he was always, always a wonderful father. He loves Joey and Jakob so much it almost made me scared for him. Whenever he left to travel, he never got used to having to say goodbye to them. That's going to be the hardest part of this."

"And you're really sure this is what you both want?" Li asked hesitantly.

Adie's dark eyes were shining. "I wish I could say it wasn't, but the truth is there's just too much difference between what we want from our lives. I do love him, and I always will, but I need things he just doesn't have it in him to give."

"I'm so sorry. God, I realize how insincere that must sound coming from me, but I do mean it. Losing someone you love leaves an emptiness that never really goes away."

"Billie told me about your husband. I'm so sorry for your loss," Adie said kindly.

"That's why I didn't want the two of you to give up too quickly, I guess. I would never wish that pain on anyone, especially two people as special as you and Billie."

"If you need to hear it from me, then I'll say it. Make him happy. Be happy yourself. Don't feel guilty about loving him, if that's how you feel. He and I both need to be able to move forward, and it'll be easier for me if I know he's not alone, or trying to fill the void with someone who means nothing to him."

Seeing movement from the corner of her eye, Li turned toward Andi. She was sitting up now, wide awake, and hearing every word they were saying.

Andi's gaze shifted past both her mother and Adrienne, and they turned to see a green-scrubbed doctor coming toward them. Craig reached toward the television to turn the volume down, and they all took seats to hear what she had to say.

"I'm Dr. Lukaski, the chief of cardiothoracic surgery," she said. "Dr. Morgan and I have been in charge of Dan's surgery, and I wanted to let you know he's in post-op, which is where we'll have him for about an hour. We'll wait for the anesthesia to wear off, check the suture areas and make sure his vital signs remain stable. Then he'll be moved to ICU for monitoring overnight."

Andi was the first to speak. "How is he, though?"

"The surgery went well, considering the extent of injuries and blood loss. The knife perforated the right atrium in his heart, which fortunately didn't cause extensive blood loss because the blade was left in place and partially sealed the wound." Li looked at Billie, mouthing a silent "thank you" for his good judgement in leaving Dan unmoved until the paramedics had arrived.

"The problem," the doctor continued, "wasn't in repairing the damage to the heart. The tissue is young and healthy, so we were able to seal those wounds with no trouble."

"But there was something else?" Billie asked, his hands fidgeting nervously. She seemed to be taking her time, preparing them for something more ominous.

"Well, once we had repaired the heart, there was still a great deal of bleeding, and when we explored further, we discovered a nick in the aorta, the main artery that supplies blood to the body. It was on the back side of the vessel, behind the heart, and wasn't immediately visible. That was where the majority of blood loss came from."

"Were you able to fix that, too?" Andi asked, fear shadowing her pale face.

"We had to clamp off the artery to suture the cut, which meant a temporary loss of blood supply and oxygen to his entire body, including his brain. That, coupled with the loss of almost three pints of blood, could indicate potential problems that we'll really only be able to assess once he's out of post-op."

"What kind of problems are you talking about?" Billie asked, unable to shake the mental picture of Joey or Jakob lying, small and vulnerable, on the table, tiny heart quivering in an effort to keep beating.

"This is something that's always difficult to talk about, but any time there's a prolonged interruption in blood flow to the brain, there is a risk of brain damage. Whether that has occurred, and the extent, is something we won't know for a while. I'm sorry I don't have anything more definite to tell you right now."

They looked from one to another for support, and Li saw silent tears streaking Andi's cheeks. She put her arm around her daughter's shoulders to comfort her, and was shocked to feel her stiffen and pull away. She lowered her arm, confused and hurt, but said nothing.

"When will we be able to see him?" Li asked.

"When he's moved to intensive care, immediate family members will be able to see him for fifteen minutes every two hours."

"But he doesn't have any immediate family here yet. His father is flying out from North Carolina, but he won't be here until late tonight," she explained. She couldn't bear to think of Dan waking up with no one there beside him.

"Are any of you relatives?" Dr. Lukaski asked, looking around at their anxious faces.

"No, I'm just a very close friend," Andi answered. "He and I drove out here together."

"Until his father arrives, I think it would be okay if you go in and sit with him. I will tell you, though, he's going to be very weak, and he'll have a ventilator tube to help him breathe for a little while, so he won't be able to talk. We had to open his ribs to reach his heart, so it will be hard for him to breathe on his own for a day or two."

"It's okay. I just want him to know I'm there."

The doctor smiled, and put her hand on Andi's shoulder. "He's a very strong young man, and it looks as though he has a lot to fight for. The surgery went very well, and that's a good start. Let's hope for the best and try not to worry too much right now. Okay?"

Andi nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat as she tried to summon her courage.

"Let the nurse know if you have any questions, and I'll be glad to come back and talk with you when we've got him out of post-op. After that, Dr. Morgan will be monitoring his condition, so he'll be talking with you later on."

When she left, they sat quietly for a moment, trying to digest what she had said. They had understood that he might be in danger, but this was something none of them had imagined.

Li knelt in front of Andi, looking up into her anguished face. She reached to take her daughter's hand, but Andi pulled away from her again, and staring down at her mother, her expression was distant.

"There's no reason for you to stay here," the girl said flatly. "I'll sit with Dan until his dad gets here. I've got the room at the hotel so I can stay there tonight. You just go take care of yourself. You're good at that."

Li felt as if they were reliving the awful moments back at home before Andi had stormed out, and could feel the sting of her daughter's anger as fresh as it had been then. But this time, she felt a strong hand on her shoulder, and looked up into Billie's green eyes. He nodded assurance to her, and she rose to return to the sofa.

He squatted in front of Andi, eyes downcast as he gathered his thoughts.

"Hey, Andi, I know a lot's going on right now. You've had to deal with things nobody, especially someone your age, should have to handle. But you and I haven't really had a chance to get acquainted, and I'd really like it if we could take a walk together. Think we could do that?"

She regarded him steadily for a minute, and then looked over at Adie, who nodded encouragement. "It's okay, Andi. Everything's fine. He won't bite you, I promise," she said, smiling.

Billie stood, holding out his hand to her. She took it reluctantly, and he turned to Li. "We'll be back in a few minutes, if that's okay."

"That's fine. I'll come find you if we hear anything else," she said, fighting the lump in her throat that threatened to suffocate her.

She watched as Billie and Andi slowly walked down the hall together. Her stomach was a knot of anxiety, and as she made a silent wish that he would have better luck making peace with Andi than she had, she realized she was holding her breath.