Please Don't Make Me Beg

**Andi's POV**

It feels like the entire world has caved in, and I'm in the middle of it. I think I could very easily go crazy right now.

Evan is in jail, and in a little while, I have to go down there and tell them about everything that happened. How am I supposed to do that? They don't know him, they don't know how we used to be, and it just feels too private to share with people who only want to write it all up in a report, as though we were some kind of case study.

I don't want to leave the hospital, not until I can see Dan and know he's okay. I can't believe he was willing to take such a chance for me, especially after he found out how Evan felt about him. Why would he do that? We were friends, but he didn't have to risk his life for me. God, please don't let anything happen to him...I don't think I could ever forgive myself for getting him into this mess... There's so much I want to say to him, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance.

I have no idea what I feel about my mom right now. When I talked to her on the phone before she got here, I was so glad to hear her voice. It made me feel safer just to know she was on her way, and I started to think maybe we could work everything out. But then when she showed up with Billie Joe, and just kind of rubbed it in Adie's face after all she had done to help me, I couldn't believe she could be so selfish. That's Adie's husband, for chrissakes, and that's forever! But my mother is walking around with him like she has some right to be there. How could she hurt Adie like that? And how could she just pretend my dad never existed? Who the hell is she, anyway?

And now Billie Joe wants to "talk "to me. This should be good--I know more about him now than he probably realizes, so when he starts trying to lecture me about being mature and respecting my mom, he's going to come off as the biggest hypocrite ever. It's hard to believe I used to think he was so wonderful...

**********************

Billie's black creepers squeaked on the polished linoleum, sending an echo down the mostly empty hall. He walked with his head down, his hands stuffed into his pockets, silent for the moment out of respect for the awkwardness between them.

Andi reluctantly shadowed him, refusing to look at his face or be the first to speak. Her image of him as Green Day's singer seemed to bear no relation at all to the man who walked beside her. These were no harmless punk antics he was pulling--there were two families about to be shattered here, all because of him. Well, him and Andi's mother. Nothing to admire there, she thought bitterly.

They made their way to the elevators, and when the doors whooshed open, he motioned her ahead of him politely. Andi's stomach lurched a little as they descended to the ground floor and emerged into the huge, glassed in atrium that served as a lobby.

He was used to making sure of his surroundings, and his eyes swept around to make sure they weren't attracting attention. Seeing a group of comfortable looking, overstuffed chairs in a corner, he very cautiously touched Andi's arm and inclined his head toward that side of the room.

"Why don't you have a seat and I'll get us a couple of sodas from the machine?" he asked.
She felt as if she had been sent to the principal's office, which made it even more jarring to remember who she was with.

"Sure, fine. Make mine a diet, okay?" She still looked away, not wanting to meet his eyes.

He didn't bother kissing her ass by telling her she didn't need to worry about dieting. She was too smart for that.

"You got it," he said, and disappeared down the hall.

She settled into a pillow-soft seat by the window, and could see the twinkle as the evening stars began to show. Between the buildings around the hospital, she caught a few glimpses of the rosy sunset, and realized that it was only this morning that she and the boys had left the hotel, full of hopes and excitement.

So the world really could end in a day...

He set the can on the table beside her, and sank into the sofa that faced her chair. Casually, he stretched his legs out across the cushions, but she could see the tiredness in his face. He looked older than he did in the pictures she had seen of him, and much less arrogant.

He was in no hurry to force her to talk, and so they sat for a few minutes in a silence that was not exactly uneasy. She needed time to take a deep breath, calm the hurricane of thoughts and emotions that had to be battering her. From the corner of his eye, he watched her sip her drink absently, then set it down.

"Dan has a lot of guts," he said softly. "I've seen grown men who would have walked away like chickenshits from situations like that."

She nodded slowly in agreement. Her hands lay limply on the seat beside her, and her eyes were hollow.

"He'll fight this, Andi. And we'll be there to help him every step of the way."

"Why?" Her voice was soft, but steady, and her question surprised him. "Why would you do that? You don't know him, you don't know me, and you barely know my mom. Why would you bother?"

Inside, he smiled at her directness. She needed no prodding to speak her mind, he thought, and he admired her for that. Maybe they had more in common than he first thought.

"That's a fair question," he nodded. "The simple answer is that I care about your mom, and about the people who are important to her. You're her whole life, and Dan is your friend, so it matters to me what happens to both of you."

"Cut the bullshit, will you?" Her eyes flashed dangerously, and he could tell that somewhere inside her, the floodgates were creaking open. "Okay, so you had a fling with my mom, and apparently she was more than happy to oblige you. But isn't it obvious that she's too infatuated with you to realize what she's doing to Adie? If you care about anything at all, you should tell her the truth, and go back to your wife, where you belong."

He couldn't keep a trace of a smile from his lips. "Boy, you two sure think alike," he murmured.

"What does that mean?" she demanded, her sudden anger flushing her cheeks.

"Just that I've heard your mom say the same thing more times than I can count," he said, shaking his head in disbelief at how similar they were. "You probably don't believe me, but that's what she's been telling me ever since we met."

"Did she tell you that when she was getting drunk on the bus with you? Or how about when she got in bed with you--don't lie to me, I know she did. She's just a groupie, an old teenie in denial." Her cheeks were burning, and he couldn't tell if it was from anger or shame.

It was hard to keep his voice steady and not answer harshly, but he remembered everything this young girl had endured in such a short time, and took a deep breath before he spoke.

"I can understand why you feel like that. She's supposed to be your mom, not just any woman. It doesn't feel right to see her like this, does it?" he offered. It wouldn't do any good to disagree with her until she'd had a chance to say what she felt.

"Trying to break up your marriage? No, that isn't right, and I can't see how she could treat Adie that way. If it weren't for your wife, I might have been the one on that operating table, not Dan! Is that how she shows her appreciation?!?" Her voice had risen, but he didn't stop her.

She leaned forward now, surprised at her own courage, but unable to check the tide of raw, ragged emotion that poured from her now. "And you're doing it, too! Have you thought about your kids, or the years Adie's given you while you worked on your music? How can you just throw her away like a used tissue?"

She couldn't know how her words stabbed his heart, he thought. She didn't know all that had happened. But the pain was there, and if it was hard for him, how much worse must it be for her... He chose his words very carefully.

"Andi, whatever you believe about me, you have to know that I do love my kids. More than anything. And you can call me a liar if that's what you think, but I love Adie, too. But our marriage, the problems we were having...it wasn't working, and that was before I ever met your mother. Don't blame her for that, because it wasn't her fault. Her only crime, if you want to call it that, was coming along at the wrong time."

Andi let his words digest as she sat watching him, his elbows on his knees, green eyes regarding her, not with impatience, but with kindness. When she didn't answer, he went on.
"You may know this, but I lost my dad when I was just a couple of years younger than you were." He looked carefully at her face to gauge the impact of mentioning her father. Her eyes misted, but she still said nothing, her guard still up.

"It was the worst thing that ever happened to me, and I've never really gotten over it. He was my best friend, and when he was gone, I felt completely alone. Then my mother took up with this asshole just two years after he died, and I hated the son of a bitch. Fucking hated him. I remember one time, he sat on the porch and watched two of the guys who lived on our street kick the living shit out of me as I was walking home from school, and refused to lift a finger to help me."

Andi could hear a tiny catch in his voice as his eyes grew faraway.

"Why she wanted to be with someone like that was something I've never understood. As far as I'm concerned, she chose him over her own children, and that's just unforgivable." He paused, and waited for her signal.

"Do you hate her for it?" she asked him, staring at her sneakers.

"For a while I did. It was just so miserable at home, and it was all her fault."

"I guess now you're going to tell me how you grew up and got wiser and learned not to judge, or something like that."

"No, actually I'm still pissed off about it." It wasn't meant to be funny, but she surprised him by laughing softly.

"At least you're honest about it," she smiled. "Why do people do things like this, then? Do adults really not care how their children feel?"

"You have every right to think that, and I can't blame you. Just about everyone except Dan has done something to hurt you lately, I guess."

"And Adie," she added. At the moment, she felt closer to her than to her own mother.

"Yeah, and Adie," he agreed softly. "She made you fall in love with her, too, didn't she?"

"I just don't understand how you could let her go. She seems so kind and generous, and it must hurt her so much to know that you...you and my mom..." She trailed away, unable to voice it.

"Make each other happy?" he asked. "Andi, I'm a lot of things that I'm not proud of. I'm hot-tempered, and reckless, and impatient, and a smart ass. I'm immature and impulsive. I like to party and raise hell and have my way about most things."

"You're really winning me over here," she said, rolling her eyes.

His crooked grin twisted its way across his face as he realized how he sounded. "Okay, I'm not my own best PR agent. But I'm being brutally honest with you, so give me some credit."

"Fair enough," she shrugged.

"What I'm trying to tell you is that I won't sugar coat anything for you. But if you're going to be angry at your mother, make sure that what you're angry about really is the truth. And the truth is that it didn't happen the way you think."

Andi leaned back against the cushion, staring up at the twinkling stars through the glass ceiling. She wasn't sure if she really wanted to know the truth. Being mad seemed so much more...safe.

"It was because of your mom that I gave things one last try with Adie. She made me understand things about myself that I hadn't seen in all the years I'd been married, and convinced me that I couldn't give up without a fight. Just because she had a bit to drink didn't make her a different person."

"Okay, then how did she get that hickey on her neck? Did she just ask you to do that to test you?" The sarcasm dripped from her words, but he could see her working over what he had said in her mind.

"Like I told you, I'm impulsive," he said in a near whisper, lowering his head in embarrassment. "And for that, I'm sorry. Your mom deserved more respect than that, and I behaved badly."

"So now you're a gentleman who simply had a passing moment of weakness?" she asked incredulously.

"Oh no, I'm not saying anything like that. I took advantage of being close to her when she was feeling very alone and sad, and I'm not proud of admitting that. But the picture you've painted of her pursuing me to live out some kind of fantasy fu--sorry," he stopped himself. "--some kind of conquest, it just isn't true. She was the first person who had treated me like a real friend in a long time, and I couldn't help wanting to make it last, to get closer to her. She's a pretty special woman, Andi, and you know that better than I do."

She took a deep, ragged breath. "So did she sleep with you?" she asked, looking directly into his eyes.

He whistled softly, shaking his head. "Well, you don't shy away from asking the tough questions, do you?"

She said nothing, but sat looking at him unblinkingly.

"That's something you should ask her," he finally answered. "If you really want to know, then you should trust her to tell you the truth. But I'm not the one you should ask."

"I thought as much," she said coolly, but she didn't seem quite as angry as before.

"Andi, there's something I want to ask you, if you don't mind." He let his eyes fall to the table between them, not wanting to make her feel pressured. He caught the wave of her hand out of the corner of his eye.

"I just wanted to know if you're really okay. I don't know exactly what happened with Evan, but I do want you to know that if you need to talk about anything, or if you need to...to see a doctor or anything...well, Adie or I would be happy to be there for you if you don't feel comfortable asking your mom. Your dad would want someone to make sure you were okay, and if I can help..." He lifted his hands and let them fall.

And almost instantly, the defiance in her eyes melted away, and her chin began to tremble as a single tear slid down her cheek. She looked at him helplessly, suddenly young and vulnerable, and without a word, he rose and knelt in front of her chair. He opened his arms, and like a rag doll, she fell into them, sobbing. His eyes closed as he laid his cheek on top of her head and stroked her hair, letting her pour the fear and hurt out onto his shoulder. This was a girl who needed her father, and he wasn't here to help her.

For a long moment, he just held her while she cried, whispering into her ear, "It's okay, Andi. It's okay, you're safe now." Her fingers clung tightly to the fabric of his shirt, and when he finally took her wrists gently to lift her to her feet, he could feel she was trembling. After a second's hesitation, he bent and scooped her into his arms, and set her gently on his lap in the chair. Her long legs hung over the side, but still it reminded him of the nights that he had comforted little Joey after a bad dream.

After a bit, she was quiet, and he wondered if she might have fallen asleep. It wouldn't have surprised him, after all the day had thrown her way. But she was awake, and as she lifted her tear-streaked face, he lowered his forehead against hers and cupped the back of her head in his powerful hand.

"I'm sorry," she rasped, sniffling into the tissue he handed her. "I don't know why, but when I heard you talk about my dad, it just..."

His finger was gentle, but firm against her lips. "There's nothing to be sorry for. I understand how that hurt in your chest can feel like a gaping hole. Don't ever apologize for missing your dad, okay?"

She nodded, her breath no longer hitching. "Does it ever get better?" she asked, raising her eyes to look at him and seeing his own tears there.

"It gets...easier, I guess. Some days are still hard, even now. But it doesn't make me feel like I'm never going to be happy again. I can even smile sometimes when I think about him."

She felt a sudden kinship with this unlikely new friend, cemented by their shared grief, and before she realized what she was doing, she was hugging him.

"Thank you, Billie. For listening, I mean. And..." She was struggling for words. "And for telling me the truth."

"You're a good kid, Andi. I wouldn't dishonor you by bullshitting you. I appreciate you being direct with me, too. I respect that!"

She stood, straightening her hoodie and smoothing her hair. He noticed as he watched her how much her eyes looked like Li's, and how she had that same proud toss of her head as she tried to collect herself.

"Could we go back upstairs and see if there's any news about Dan?" she asked him. "I really want to be with him when he wakes up."

"I think he needs that," he said, patting her back as they made their way back to the elevator.

"And I'd like to talk to my mom, too," she said as the doors closed.

He nodded, relieved.

"Yeah, the two of you have a lot to talk about. She'll be really glad to hear whatever you have to say."

"Just don't tell her I was crying, okay? She gets all worried and goes commando mom on me, you know?"

He chuckled softly. "It's just between us."