Please Don't Make Me Beg

Li sat, restless, on the arm of the waiting room chair, her arms wrapped around herself but giving her no comfort. Billie and Andi weren't back yet, but her thoughts were haunted by Dan, hoping that his young body would heal, and that his father would hear some good news soon. The boy had done so much for Andi, and she felt a debt to him that she had no idea how to repay.

Adie and Craig had gone downstairs to get some coffee, but Li had stayed behind, not quite at ease with trying to make polite conversation with them yet. She still felt like an interloper, despite Adie's kindness, and she didn't think it was a good idea to force herself on them. And so she waited alone, a bundle of nerves and anxiety, dreading what might come next.

The sound of Billie's voice, soft and reassuring, trailed through the door, and as she looked up, her heart skipped a beat. His arm was wrapped securely around Andi's shoulders, and his head bent toward her in an endearing, fatherly gesture. Instead of pulling away, Andi was returning his embrace, nodding and smiling, albeit weakly.

It wasn't at all what she had expected.

She stood, uncertain whether she should say anything to ruin the moment, and Billie's brilliant green eyes caught hers. He flashed her an encouraging smile, and she relaxed enough to return it.

Andi turned back to Billie, and wrapped her arms around his neck, murmuring something into his ear. He hugged her, patting her back, and as he straightened up, he winked at her, the beloved crooked smile still lighting up his face.

"Li, I'm going to see if I can find the nurse and get an update on Dan," he said. "While I'm gone, I think Andi might want to talk to you." He pressed a kiss against Li's forehead, his palm soft against her cheek. "It's okay, trust me," he whispered.

As he disappeared back down the hall, mother and daughter faced each other as nervously as strangers. Li wanted so much to take Andi in her arms and hold her, to tell her that she was everything that ever really mattered, but she waited, measuring her daughter's expression, allowing her to direct this wherever it was to go.

"He's not so bad, for a dumb punk," Andi said, shrugging her shoulders to appear casual. "I guess I can see how you could trust him a little."

Okay, that was fine. It was easier to talk about Billie to start with.

"I'm glad you got a chance to get to know him a little better. He is a pretty decent guy when he's not kicking over trash cans."

A tiny, reluctant smile teased its way onto Andi's face. "So are you, like, in love with him or something?" she asked, not looking directly at her mother.

She couldn't hold back a chuckle. "Well, I think it's a little soon for that. I do care about him a lot. He makes me...really happy, for the first time since your dad died. I hope that isn't hard for you to hear--it's just tough, you know, to be alone for so long. You're wonderful company, and you're the reason I've been able to keep facing each day through it all. But..."

"I know. It isn't the same as having someone to share everything with and confide in, without feeling like you've got to be strong all the time. It must be hard to have no one to lean on when everything gets down on you." She glanced at the floor, sounding a little guilty.

"Wow, you sound like the voice of experience. When did you become so grown up all of a sudden?" Li asked. She was amazed to even be having this conversation with Andi, but even more so at her daughter's calm, even tone.

"Well, Billie said something that made sense. He told me that Dad loved you, and that he wouldn't want you to be alone and sad, and that makes sense. He would want that." She was breaking it down in her mind, step by careful step.

"Yes, I think he really would. Same for you. He loved us both very much."

"Yeah...Billie said that if he had the choice between just one person to love him, and two, he'd take two anytime." She seemed to be asking something she was unsure how to put into words. "What exactly did he mean by that?"

"I think he's trying to tell you that letting us into his life won't take away from his ability to love Adie or his boys. He wants you to know he's not going to just abandon them." A smile crept across her face, softening her eyes as she remembered how he had talked about his sons. "And he's telling you that even though no one will ever replace your father, you might find room in your heart to let Billie love you, too."

"But what about Adie? I keep wondering if anyone has thought about her feelings. What has she done to deserve being thrown away? Doesn't he owe her anything at all?"

There it was, the naked truth behind her anger. Adie had protected her, befriended her, and that was part of it, certainly. But for Andi, it seemed that if Adie could be discarded so easily, then so could the memory of her father, who had meant everything to her. Her mother would be with someone new, filling the empty place he had occupied. It was an injustice she couldn't bear, and Li knew this was the fire they had to quench together before it consumed them both.

She was thoughtful for a moment before she spoke, and decided not to steer away from what seemed safe ground to Andi. "I don't think there will ever be a time when Billie will stop loving her. She was his wife, and will always be the mother of his children. There's no closer bond than that, and I would think a lot less of him if he didn't feel that way." She took a deep breath, and plunged ahead.

"But sometimes things change between people, even when they still love each other. Marriage means living together every day, and to do that, you have to be heading in the same direction with your lives. If you want different things, you have to try to compromise, but that isn't always possible. When it isn't, all you can do is try to remember the things you love about each other and walk away as friends. But I don't think you ever forget."

"Do you think about Dad when you're with Billie?" There it was, Li thought, the tender spot she had been guarding all this time.

"When I first met him, I couldn't think of anything else. I felt like I was doing something wrong just being there with Billie, maybe because I knew I was so attracted to him. I miss your dad so much, honey, and sometimes it still doesn't seem real that he's gone. I catch myself thinking that he's working late, or in the back yard, and that I'll see him coming through the door, that big cheesy grin on his face..." She trailed off, lost in memories that had no words.

"So what changed? I mean, if you still feel that way about Dad, even if he's not here, doesn't that make it wrong to--to--do whatever it is you did with Billie?"

"It wasn't just a physical attraction, no matter what it may have looked like to you," Li explained. "Believe it or not, I wasn't always old and boring. There was a time when I was--well,--younger, and wilder--and it was like Billie saw straight through to that part of me, and made me feel alive again. I guess that's what I saw in him at first. But I started to see that there's a really good heart in him, and a lot of kindness. It's just..." she groped for words. "He's so easy to be with."

That was it, simply put. "And Andi, I know how much it hurts to hear this, but your dad isn't ever coming back. If he were, it would be different. But as much as I wish it weren't true, he's dead, honey, and I can't change that. All I can do is go on living."

"So what happens now?" Andi asked, her voice shaky with uncertainty. "Are you going to move out here to be with him or something?"

"God, no!" she said in surprise. "California is beautiful, but I'd never fit in here. Just because the cat has kittens in the oven doesn't make them biscuits, you know."

"What?!?" Andi sputtered, grinning in spite of herself. "Where do you come up with these dumb sayings?"

"Never mind. We've got plenty of time to figure everything out. Just know that no matter what happens, you are first. You will always be first. You are my heart, my soul, my best friend, and the most perfect thing I've ever done. If I'm very, very lucky, you'll be the person whose smiling face I'll be looking at when I leave this world. Nothing will ever be more important to me than you."

Andi was quiet for a few seconds, taking in everything she had said.

"There's one other thing I was wondering if I could ask you," she said hesitantly.

"Sure, go ahead," Li encouraged her.

"It would really make me feel better if I could stay out here with Dan for a few days. Just until we see how he's going to be. I could fly home before the end of fall break so I can be back when school starts up." She looked hopefully at Li, trying to read her face.

"Staying in a hotel by yourself isn't a very good idea, honey. I don't think--"

"Billie said that Adie would be glad to have someone who could help her with the boys for a little while. I could watch them for her so she has some free time, and help out with the housework." She was pleading now, feeling like a little girl, but she needed this, needed to do something for Adie, who had been so kind, and for Dan, who had been her savior.

Li's mind raced down a confused path, imagining a hundred situations that lay ahead. How would Adie feel, having Andi as a guest? Would it be strange for the boys to have someone they didn't know in their home? And how would Adie answer their questions about Billie? Most troubling of all, would she grow to love Adie more than her own mother?

She shook her head, blinking to bring herself back to the present. "Let me make sure this is okay with them first. If Adie doesn't mind, then--" She took a deep, quivering breath. "--then it's okay with me."

Andi looked up at her mother, surprised. "You really mean it?"

"Dan probably saved your life, Andi. Adie, too. If you need to do something to thank them both, then do it. Never miss a chance to tell someone how you feel." She realized she was talking to herself as much as to Andi.

"Li?" Billie's voice from behind her made her jump, a tiny gasp mirroring her startled expression.

"God, I'm sorry--I didn't hear you!" she apologized. "Did you find the nurse?"

"Yeah, I talked to her for a bit," he said with a casual air that didn't seem quite genuine. "Why don't we sit down for a minute?" he said, his face serious.

Without thinking, Andi's hand crept into Li's like a frightened kitten, and they sank onto the sofa cushions as one.

Billie was looking into two almost identical pairs of blue eyes, both wide with concern, and felt a tug at his heart for these two who had been through so much. As he spoke, he looked mainly at Andi, who seemed to need the most support. In the back of his mind, he wondered what it might have been like to be a father to a girl like her, and felt a surge of protectiveness toward her.

"The doctor was there, too, and she says that Dan has surprised them all by waking up as soon as he has. You saw him respond to you, and even try to speak, so those are all very good signs. She said his vision and hearing are fine, and they may even be able to remove the breathing tube in a few more hours."

"Thank God," Li breathed softly. Andi's hand was trembling in hers, and gripped her fingers tightly.

"Did they tell you anything else?" the girl asked anxiously. "Do they know if he's going to have any other problems?"

Billie's rough hand rubbed the back of his neck absently, a habit he had developed when he was having trouble finding the right words.

"Some things will take a little time. We'll have to wait to see how his balance has been affected. And his speech may be a bit slurred for a few days, but they don't think it will be permanent." He tried hard to look relieved, but his expressive face gave him away, and Andi's finely tuned intuition missed nothing.

"What else? Billie, he's my best friend, please tell me," she pleaded.

"Well, just remember, everything is subject to change right now--they keep saying that his condition may get a lot better as he gets his strength back. Right now, though, he's having trouble moving his legs. But--" Andi cut him off, rising to her feet with a desperate moan.

"Are you saying he's paralyzed? That he may not be able to walk? No! That can't happen--he's only nineteen years old!! They have to do something to help him!" Her voice had risen and her hands rose and fell in an appeal of despair, and he feared that this might be her breaking point.

Before she could lose control completely, Billie pulled her against his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around her and pressing her head against his shoulder. Li folded herself around Andi's small frame, and together they held her close, rocking her back and forth as they whispered words of comfort, their own tears falling onto her hair.