Please Don't Make Me Beg

Through the sweet fog of sleep. the dull thud jarred Andi's mind awake and she sat bolt upright. Early morning sunlight was streaming through the window, and she could hear childish screams and the pounding of small feet in the hall outside the room. She looked around her, trying to remember where she was.

"Boys! Quiet down! We have a guest, and she needs to catch up on her sleep. Now get downstairs, and I'll make you breakfast. Go on now." Even through the hushed urgency, the woman's voice was pleasant, familiar, and slowly it came back to Andi where she had spent the night.

As she yawned and stretched her arms, it was hard to focus on anything except getting dressed and getting back to the hospital. The night before, she had dreaded falling asleep, fearing what dreams might clutch at her as she lay helpless and vulnerable. But exhaustion had made her sleep peaceful, and with the sunrise, she felt new hope that Dan would be a step closer to his old self this morning.

Freshly showered, her hair still damp and fragrant, she made her way downstairs and found Adie and the two boys in the kitchen, laughing at the smiley face Jakob had made with his bacon and eggs.

Adie's brown eyes were soft and warm with concern. "Hi, Andi. Did these monkeys wake you? They get a little wild until they get something in their stomachs. I'm sorry they didn't let you sleep. You sure could have used it."

"No, it's fine. I actually didn't want to sleep in too late, so I could head over to check on Dan. Thanks so much for letting me spend the night with you--and for everything you did for me." The words seemed too small for the gratitude she felt.

"Don't mention it," Adie said with a gentle smile. "Boys, I'd like you to meet Miss Andi. She's a friend who's visiting from...?" She looked over for help, realizing she knew only sketchy details about the girl.

"North Carolina," Andi smiled, feeling strangely shy with the children.

"She's a long way from home, and her friend who came with her had to go to the hospital, so we're glad to have her staying with us." Her smile was encouraging, and Andi took a deep breath, plunging ahead.

"It's nice to meet you. You must be Joey," she said to the older boy. "And I bet your name is Jakob," this to the boy who was sporting a chocolate milk mustache and an adorable set of dimples.

Joey mumbled politely, "Nice to meet you, too," and then turned to his mother. "Mom," he complained, "I thought you said Dad was home from the tour and didn't have any more shows for a while. Why isn't he here? You promised last week he'd take me to the skate park."

Adie seemed to be struggling to find the right thing to say, but an awkward silence held for several long moments. Finally, she stood, picking up the empty dishes to carry them into the kitchen, and as she turned away, Andi saw bright tears in her eyes.

"Boys, would you excuse me for just a moment? I'm going to help your mom clean up a bit. You enjoy your breakfast, and we'll be right back." She hoped she was buying a moment for Adie to compose herself.

"What?" she heard Joey whisper to his brother as they left the room. "I didn't say anything!"

In the kitchen, out of earshot, Adie pressed a small towel to her face, and her shoulders shook as she wept. After a long, shuddering breath, she raised her face, her eyes red-rimmed and her lips trembling.

"I knew he was going to ask, and I thought I was ready, but..."

Andi wrapped her arms around Adie's shoulders, and patted her back. She had absolutely no idea what to say, but she wanted desperately to comfort her in some way. "I'm so sorry. I wish I knew how to help," was all she could say.

"I'm okay, I just...it's going to be hard to explain it to them. I think they've known for a while that something wasn't quite right. But now that it's finally over, I just hope they don't resent me for sending him away. I don't know if they'll be able to understand."

"Is it better if I leave so you can talk to them?" she asked, worried that her presence would be like so much salt in the wound for Adrienne.

"No, no, don't leave until you've finished your breakfast. I'll take you over whenever you're ready. Anyway, I was hoping to reach Billie this morning, and ask him to come by to talk to them with me. I think we should both be there for them to explain what's happening, and what to expect."

She was right, of course. Joey and Jakob needed to see them together, so they would know that even if their parents weren't living together, they were still Mom and Dad, and that they would not have to choose between them.

"That sounds like a good idea," Andi nodded. She could hear the sadness that had crept into this gentle woman's voice, and sensed the passing of something that had once been beautiful. She couldn't help grieving with her. "They'll be alright. They're strong, just like you and Billie, and they have a lot of love from both of you. That's the most important thing you can give them."

Adie smiled weakly, and patted the girl's cheek. "Yes, it is. That's one thing they'll never have to worry about."

"Mo-oooom!" wailed a small voice. "Joey's makin' my eggs look mad!"

They couldn't help laughing softly at his indignation. Andi thought fleetingly how nice it might have been to have a little brother to grow up with, someone to play silly games with and--

"Mom!! Jakob's sticking his butt out at me, and he's got his pants down! Gross!"

"Where do you think he learned that little maneuver, hmm?" Adie said, a weary, resigned smile on her face. "I've just been praying I don't get a note from his teacher saying he's been flipping her off!"

********************************

After a soak in the jacuzzi and several cups of coffee, Li stood outside on the balcony, soaking up the morning sun and admiring the sparkle of the water on the Bay. She had never set foot in a hotel room so plush, but even so it was beginning to close in around her.

She had flipped aimlessly through the channels on the television, and had finally settled on "Gaslight," an old black and white favorite of hers. But the minutes were oozing by at a glacial pace, wearing her patience thin and spawning phantom worries in her mind, and she had finally abandoned the movie to bring her thoughts outside.

Billie had gotten the call from Adie early this morning, and had agreed to meet her at their house so they could talk to the boys tegether about their separation. Though it was a somber cause for a meeting, Li was tormented by one thought--what if Adrienne had rethought her decision? Faced with the reality of losing Billie, perhaps she would regret giving up on their marriage, and want a chance to try again. The memory of Adie's soulful brown eyes, her gorgeous raven hair, and most of all, the aura of kindness and gentleness that seemed to surround her, pricked at Li's conscience. It was so easy to see why Billie's heart was lost the minute he had met his wife.

If she were truly honest with herself, the real question was whether Li wanted what was really best for him, even if it meant that he returned home. She flattered herself that she had wanted that all along; hadn't she encouraged him to try everything possible to work it out?

Yes, if that's what was happening, even at that very moment, then she would be glad for him and wish him--wish them--nothing but the best.

But why the hell did it make her chest hurt and her throat tighten to think about it?

When the phone rang at last, it was Andi's voice that bubbled through the line excitedly. There was news of the best kind--Dan had regained some movement in his legs, and though he was still not fully out of the woods, indications were that he would have no permanent effects--at least not physically. Andi was thrilled, as Li would have expected, but her mother's intuition was picking up something more in the girl's voice as she spoke, a protectiveness and affection she had never expressed toward Evan.

Good for her, Li thought. They had both been wrong about Evan, with devastating consequences. But Dan had been a steadying influence for Andi as long as they had known each other, and for all his clowning, he clearly took their music quite seriously. His friendship could only help heal the wounds that Andi had borne. And if it became something more...well, only time would tell.

Off the phone, she was pacing now. Andi would be flying home in two days. Maybe it was better for Li to go ahead and leave now, just save him the headache of having to tell her things hadn't quite worked out as he expected, that he was sorry, so sorry, and would always remember her. She would go back to the life she knew, her comfortable rut, and he would return to the home and family he belonged with. Much easier that way, she thought, her hands numbly folding her clothes and arranging them in the suitcase.

She had to resign herself to it. To leave herself open, hoping, and then find that she had lost him after all...she didn't know if she could survive that.

When she heard the door open, she paused, but didn't speak. Her heart raced, triphammering in her chest like a crazed chipmunk, and she had to tighten her hands into fists to stop them trembling. This is it, she thought, so no matter what happens, don't let him see you cry.

The footsteps she strained to hear behind her didn't come. One deep breath, then another, she told herself. Just focus on that.

Turning toward the outer room, she saw him, sitting slumped forward on the couch, and her feet were carrying her toward him before she could even think what she was going to say.

Without lifting his head, he stretched his hand toward her as she stood looking down at him, and pulled her onto the sofa beside him. Over and over, like a mantra, she told herself, "No tears. No tears." He caressed her fingers slowly, thoughtfully, and lifted them to his lips to press a soft kiss on her skin.

"My boys..." he rasped, his voice breaking with emotion. He cleared his throat and tried again. "My boys are everything to me, Li. They're good kids, and I want them to always know their father is there for them. I know how much they need me, and no matter what else I do, I have to be a good dad to them."

He was squeezing her hand tighter, clinging to her with a quiet desperation that made her ache inside, even as she was silently letting him go. She watched him sadly, understanding that this was the one bridge they couldn't cross together. No amount of love for him could make her ask him to give up his children.

"I know, Billie. I've known that since the first time I talked to you, and that's how it's supposed to be. You don't have to explain anything. Go be with them, and love them the way your dad loved you." She fought the tightness in her throat that threatened to silence her. "I'm catching a flight back home today, so you don't need to worry about me--I'll be fine. It was an amazing experience meeting you, and I wish you and Adie all the happiness you can find."

Confusion spread across his face, his eyes narrowing under knitted brows. Whatever he had expected her to say, it clearly wasn't this.

"What are you saying, Li?" he asked incredulously. "Are you leaving me because my sons have to be a part of my life? I thought you of all people would understand how much I need them!"

Mentally, she stumbled. Leaving him? Wasn't that what he was doing to her, letting her go?

"No, I--I'm just telling you that I understand, that's all. I want you to be free to be with your family, to be happy." Still he looked baffled by what she had said. What was she missing?

"Li, what is it you think I came back here to tell you?" he asked.

The tears were pricking her eyes anyway, despite her determination.

"To say goodbye?" Her voice was a traitor, too, quivering like a scared puppy.

The traces of sadness in his eyes melted away as he gathered her into his arms, and she was astonished to hear him chuckling softly, his voice rumbling against her face. "Jesus, you'd still step aside, even after all we've been through together, wouldn't you?"

She pulled back and looked into his face. "I thought that's what you wanted, to go back to Adie and the boys so you could take care of them. Isn't that what you said?"

His eyes blazed with intensity as he took her face in his hands. "How do I say this so you understand? I want--no, I have to be there for my children. I need them as much as they need me. No matter what else happens, that won't change." His thumb brushed softly across her cheek, wiping away the traitorous tear that was sliding down her face.

"I know, Billie. I just want you to be happy, no matter what it takes. You're more special than you'll ever know, and if giving you up is what I need to do, I'll do it because I l--" The words had frozen in her mouth, dry as old bones. She didn't know what she was saying; it was just nonsense, pouring from her incoherently, it didn't mean anything...

"Because what?" he asked, his eyes blazing brilliant green, piercing into her mind, her soul. "You told me I had to let go, hold nothing back, and that's what I've done, not just with Adie, but with you. You thought I was going to back out on you, but you're wrong. Now it's your turn. Say what you mean, Li. Say it now, or don't look back and regret it when the chance is gone."

Her lip quivered, and she felt naked, vulnerable, terrified. If she took the next step, she gave him the power to rip her heart to pieces, and she didn't know if she could live if that happened. But she heard his voice echoing over and over in her mind, and she couldn't let this chance pass by when she might never have another.

Staring into his eyes, that ethereal green that had seen into her very heart, she took a deep breath and let go.

"I love you, Billie," she whispered so softly she could hardly hear herself.

His head bent closer, his lips an inch from hers. "Say it again," he whispered, his voice husky.

"I love you. I love you so much I'd watch you turn and walk away if that was what you wanted me to do. I'd let you take my heart with you and never look back, just to know you were happy."

She was melting, pouring into his arms, and he was whispering against her mouth, words she could barely comprehend, words that made her heart dance, words that healed her wounded soul.

"I don't ever want to lose you, Li. You amaze me, you fascinate me, you make me feel like the man I always wanted to be. I want to give you everything you ever dreamed about, be the one who shares everything with you, good and bad." His breath was warm and sweet on her lips, and he held her so tightly she could feel their hearts beating together in one desperate rhythm. "Let me be there for you, today, and tomorrow, and all the days after. I love you, and I'm not leaving you, not now, not ever."

Then his kiss took her down, falling as she had never fallen before, and after that, there was no need for words...

******************

The plane was nearly full, but the seat beside Li was unoccupied, so she had set her carry on bag in the seat. Napping was difficult, but after they were over Texas she dozed briefly, and woke to the afternoon sun warming her face through the window.

She gazed down at the fluffy, silver-white clouds, but in her mind she was seeing something else. Billie's face, standing at the terminal window, his hand pressed against the glass, burned into her memory, and she could still hear his voice whispering in her ear.

It almost seemed unreal, that this was not the end that she had feared it would be. She had his promise, that he would fly out to see her after the last show, and from there...who knew? It was enough, that there would be more time, more days to spend together with him.

She opened her bag to dig out her MP3 player, when her hand brushed something unfamiliar. Lifting out a small, square box, she recognized the messy handwriting on the lid.

"Just so you know it's for keeps."

She opened the lid, and inside was a small piece of green paper, with more writing. "For what it's worth, it was worth all the while. But now it's time for me to let go of the past, and I'm giving it to you, along with my future." Curious, she lifted out the paper to see what was underneath.

Inside lay a simple, silver band, the one he had worn for thirteen years.

Until now.