Please Don't Make Me Beg

Wow, thank you guys so much. I'm glad you liked! I guess we're just a bunch of happy old pervs, huh? ;)

Okay, Jewels, you asked, and your wish is my command!

Chapter Five

My body floated in a dark, warm cocoon, weightless, motionless. There was no sound, except the rhythmic whisper of breath, in and out. All sense of time and place was lost, and in its place was peace and happiness like I had never felt before.

A strange sound jolted me awake, and my mind protested, not wanting to leave the paradise I had found. Slowly, I opened my eyes and stared, confused, at the soft green fabric beneath my face, and the black letters that spelled "--lies."

Lies? Oh, no....

It all came rushing back at once--where I was, and what I had done. But there was no time to think; I heard the strange sound again, and realized my cell phone was ringing. I picked it up with sluggish fingers from the coffee table and saw I had missed nine calls from Andi. My stomach lurched, as much from panic as from the after effects of too much wine.

I opened the phone as quickly as I could, and whispered, "Hello?"

"Mom, God I'm so glad you answered! Where are you? I was really scared. Are you okay?" Andi's voice was shaky, and I couldn't tell if she was more frightened, angry, or relieved.

"Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I'm fine, and I'm sorry I missed your calls. Everything's okay. I'll be home soon, alright?" I was far too groggy to make much sense, and desperately needed some time to think before I explained to her where I had been.

"But--"

"Don't worry, honey. I'll see you in just a little while. Okay?"

"Okay, I guess. Please be careful, though. I was really scared when I couldn't reach you!" She sounded younger than her sixteen years now, frightened and shaken.

"I know, baby. I'll explain when I get home, and I'm so, so sorry. I love you."

She let it go, reluctantly. "You too. Bye."

I closed the phone and looked around. Beside me on the sofa, Billie's head drooped against the cushions, and his "Groovy Ghoulies" shirt bore a damp spot where I had drooled on his chest. Even in sleep, he was beautiful beyond words.

How would I tell my daughter what had happened? Earning her respect was so important to me, and she was a forgiving person, but to sleep with another woman's husband... My throat tightened at the thought of what I'd done, and of having to confess it to her.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Billie's head lift as he stirred awake. I tried to smile weakly at him, but the memory of what had happened made me feel awkward and embarrassed. He seemed unashamed, though, and a lazy smile warmed his face as he opened his eyes.

"Good morning," he said quietly. "Feeling okay?"

"Well, I--I guess so. Kind of a headache, but no big deal. I'm not much of a drinker anymore."

He chuckled softly. "I sort of figured that out last night."

"Billie, I don't know what to say. I've never done anything like that before. I had too much wine, and I was so..."

He waved a forgiving hand. "Please don't worry about it, Li. If that's the first time you've ever passed out, you're way ahead of me!" he said, kindly.

"Passed out? What--when did that happen?" I was so confused and disoriented, but I couldn't remember blacking out afterward. Then I looked down, and saw that my shirt was still in one piece, and Billie was fully dressed, even down to his socks. Three empty wine bottles sat accusingly on the kitchen counter like stiff green soldiers.

"You and I were talking, and you kind of faded out on me after you told me about what you said to me at the meet and greet. I tried to wake you up but you were pretty well out of it. I didn't want you to have to sleep on the floor, so I picked you up and put you on the sofa." He laughed again. "You slept through that, too. Did you have nice dreams?"

My heart stopped for a second. A dream? That's what it was? Relief flooded my veins like cool water, and I took a deep, cleansing breath. "Yes," I told him, feeling a faraway smile touch my lips. "They were wonderful, thanks."

It was still hard to look at him without feeling as though we had shared something extraordinary. Even with his rumpled hair and sleepy eyes, he was incredibly handsome, and I felt somehow transparent, as if he could see what was replaying in my mind.

"Billie, I'm sorry I conked out on you. You needed to talk, and I let you down."

"No, you just needed a break from my whining. Can't blame you for that." He was still grinning, but now there was a trace of awkwardness, too, as though he feared he had confided too much.

"Don't you say that," I scolded him. "Trying to figure out how to save your marriage isn't anything like whining. You have no idea how much I admire you for putting your family before your rock star image."

"I wish Adie felt the same way. Hell, I wish my own mother thought I was a decent person. She thinks I'm an embarrassment to our family."

With boldness I didn't really know I had, I took his face in my hands and lifted it so he had to look into my eyes. "Billie Joe, I didn't know your father, and I don't know your mother. But I watched my own father die two years ago, and the things he talked to me about while he was sick were the pride he took in me for being a mother to Andi, and the love that Sam and I had while he was alive. Those were the things that really mattered to him. Listen, I know your father would be so proud of Green Day. It would blow him away to see how incredibly successful you've become, and he'd love knowing how he'd inspired you to love music. But I will guarantee you that he'd tell you Joey and Jakob are your masterpiece, and that there was nothing you couldn't do as long as it was for them. And for Adie," I added, gently.

"You're right. They've got to be my first priority. The band isn't worth it. I can still produce and write, and we have the Adeline bands to work with. I can play backup with them. If that's what it takes, then I'm damn sure gonna do it." He was putting on a brave face, but his eyes looked so sad at the thought of giving up his dream.

"You don't have to forget about Green Day, Billie. You couldn't if you tried, and Adie doesn't really want you to. All she wants is to know that she comes first. Just open up to her and let her know you need her. That's all any woman wants."

"How do I do that?" he pleaded. "I tell her all the time how much I love her. I try to get her to come with me to as many shows as she can so I can be with her. When I'm home, I spend every possible minute with her and the boys. What more can I do?"

"It doesn't take too much, really. Take her out for coffee. Ask her what she dreams about for your family, for herself. Even if it's something you know is impossible, talk it out with her like it's your dream, too. Find out what she would want if Green Day wasn't part of your life. That's what she really meant when she asked you to quit. She wants to know you have a life outside the band, and that she's at the heart of it."

He twisted his silver wedding band absentmindedly, his eyes soft and faraway. "It's true, you know. Even when we're at home alone, everything is about recording schedules, and tour dates, and promotional appearances. We even pulled the kids out of school to go to an awards show and made Joey miss his field trip to the San Diego Zoo. I found out later he told Adie he really wanted to go, but he didn't tell me. I guess he thought I wouldn't care." He dropped his head into his hand, covering his eyes, and sighed heavily. "Do you think it's too late? I mean, after all she's put up with, do you think she'll give me another chance?"

"There's only one way to find out. You have to go to her and open up completely. Don't let there be any walls between you. She'll know when you've let her in, and I promise you she'll love you even more for it. She's an incredible woman, Billie, and you two need to cling to each other, because you don't ever know--" My eyes stung and my throat closed up unexpectedly at the memory of Sam, and I found that the ache in my heart was as fresh as it had been when I laid the single rose on his grave.

As I hung my head, I felt a comforting arm surround me, and as he pulled my head onto his shoulder, the hot rush of tears poured out all the loneliness and pain I'd felt since my husband had died.

The loud knocking on the bus doors startled both of us, and Billie's eyes searched my face in concern.

"Be okay for a second? I'll be right back."

"Sure," I nodded. "I need to get going anyway. Andi's called several times and I need to get back and see how she's doing."

The doors whooshed open, and I heard his voice, low and hushed, alternating with Dave's baritone. I grabbed my keys from the table, and checked my pockets for the guitar picks--maybe it seemed trivial, but they meant more to me than ever now. I pushed the doors open and tried to avoid Dave's glance, wondering what he was thinking.

"Li, let me walk with you back to your car, okay?" Billie offered. "I just want to make sure you're safe and all."

I couldn't help smiling--it was nice to have someone worry about me again, even if it was just for a little while.

"I'd be honored. Thank you, Billie, you really are a gentleman."

"There, Dave, the lady says I'm a gentleman! Gives you a new respect for me, doesn't it?" he grinned, as he punched the taller man in the arm.

"New respect? I never had any for you in the first place!" Dave smirked. "Just don't be too long, okay? We gotta take off in about half an hour."

"I'll be here, never fear!" Billie shouted, his arms raised in a superhero flex. Dave and I shook our heads, chuckling in spite of ourselves.

As we walked toward the parking lot, I felt Billie's hand brush against mine, and then warmth as he held it gently.

"I'm sorry we got interrupted," he said. "I wanted you to know how sorry I am about your husband. You must have been really happy together. Your face kind of got that faraway look when you talked about him," he said.

"Sam was a wonderful, sweet man," I answered simply. My heart hurt thinking about him, but there was a happiness in remembering, too. "He was an amazing husband and an incredible father to Andi. She misses him terribly. And so do I..." I thought the tears might come again, but that time had passed for the moment.

He was silent for a moment. "Thanks so much for listening to me, and for your advice. I don't talk to many women because people always want to start fucking stupid rumors. But it was really good to have a woman's perspective. I hope I can be as good for Adie as Sam was for you," he said, smiling. "Would it be okay if I call you if I get stuck and need help again?"

"You can call me anytime you like--after all, you did give me a spiffy new guitar pick. I owe you!" I said, squeezing his hand.

My car sat alone in the lot, and as we neared it, I realized what an amazing night it had been. One thing nagged at me, though, and turning to him, I dropped my head, embarrassed at what I knew I was going to admit.

"This is really silly, and I don't know why I feel like I need to confess, but I just want to be honest with you," I murmured.

"Uh-oh, sounds heavy!" he said in mock seriousness.

"Don't make this harder, okay?" I pleaded.

"Hey, I'm sorry--I didn't mean to joke around. Please don't feel uncomfortable. I won't mind, whatever it is." His arm draped protectively around my shoulders.

"Yeah, well, you probably will, but what the hell. You know last night when I...fell asleep?" I asked awkwardly.

"Mmmm hmmm?" he said with a wry smile, politely accepting my euphemism.

"You asked me if I had nice dreams, and, well, I had...I...okay, I had a...a really intense one."

"Okaaaayy...?" He sounded curious.

"About you."

"About me?" he asked.

"About you. And me. We...umm, well, we...." Oh God, I was stammering like an idiot.

He grinned hugely. "So that's why you were moaning my name," he said, touching the tip of my nose teasingly. "You mean while I was sitting there watching David Letterman, you were getting lucky with me and I didn't even know it?" he laughed.

"Damn, I knew I should have kept my big mouth shut." I was humiliated, but I couldn't be mad at him.

His laughter quieted and he tilted my chin up to look him in the eyes. "It's okay, Li. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm flattered, actually."

"Oh, come now, any man who has as many girls lusting after him as you couldn't possibly care about some old broad's drunken fantasy."

He surprised me by wrapping his arms tenderly around me and pulling me closer to him. The embrace was gentle, and it made me feel safe and peaceful.

"You're not old, so stop saying that. And please don't think you're in the same league as groupies. Look, you're an amazing woman. You're kind, and compassionate, and you have a lot of wisdom. You're strong, too, and I admire that. If someone like you thinks I'm sexy, then I take that as a compliment, and I'm very flattered." His green eyes twinkled and I was lost all over again.

"It's an honor to know you, Billie Joe," I told him. "It would be quite something to be your friend."

His eyebrows lifted in mock protest. "You are my friend, Li. And I have a confession to make to you, too." His long lashes lowered, hiding his eyes. "Last night, I told you that I tried to wake you up. What I didn't tell you is that I...kissed you. Just before I put you on the couch. I thought about doing more, but I knew it wouldn't be right. For a lot of reasons."

So those soft lips I had felt on mine hadn't been a dream after all...

"Did I say too much?" he asked hesitantly.

"No, I was just thinking...never mind, it doesn't matter." I waved my hand, brushing the thought aside.

"Don't be shy with me now, not after everything we've told each other," he said, his forehead touching mine. Why did it make me uneasy for him to be so close?

"It's just that I've missed this so much, being close to someone. It's been four years since Sam died, and sometimes I really miss little things, like hugs and backrubs. And yeah, I miss the bigger stuff, too." I thought he'd laugh at me, but his face was gentle and thoughtful.

"I understand more than you think. It's been a long time since Adie and I have even slept in the same bed. I hate waking up alone," he said, sadly. "I wish she and I could talk the way you and I have. It was so.. easy."

In another world, I thought, another time, where Adie had married another man and Billie was... I closed my eyes, lost for a moment in wishing. When I opened them, he smiled sadly and sighed. The rush of feelings was so strong I couldn't stop them.

"I know I shouldn't ask you this, Billie, and I hope you won't think I'm some kind of desperate midlife crisis. But I missed out on that kiss last night, and it would be wonderful to be able to remember something so special. Would you mind, just once more, for a friend?" I knew my eyes were pleading, and I hoped I wasn't totally pathetic.

He didn't speak. He didn't have to. His hands cupped my face, stroked the hair out of my eyes, brushed my cheeks softly. I slid my arms around his waist, and pressed his body closer to me. He closed his eyes, and brushed his lips across my mouth, light as butterfly wings. My hand moved to the back of his muscled neck, caressing it gently, and I kissed the corners of his sensual mouth slowly. I heard a hiss as he breathed deeply, and I stepped back, thinking I had gone too far.

"I'm sorry, I--"

His arms were like iron bands, pulling our bodies tightly together, and his mouth melted against mine with fire and passion. I couldn't breathe, my head was spinning, and this time it was real, it was no dream.

His slowly lips made their way down my neck, and he pulled the collar of my shirt to the side to kiss my shoulder, my collarbone. I stroked his arms, his hair, and pulled his tousled head against my chest. He buried his face in the warmth there and I heard a low moan rumble in his throat.

My back was pressed against the car door, and he was sliding his hands down my arms until he gripped my wrists. With strength I could never fight, he held my arms against the cool metal, and as my head tilted back, his white-hot mouth fastened on my throat, his teeth grazing my skin. I could feel his hips pressing against me, urgent, and as his body undulated against me, he grew harder, the heat radiating off him.

My eyes drifted open, barely seeing. The sun was beginning to rise, turning the horizon purple, then pink. I clung to his shoulders to keep my knees from buckling.

"Billie," I panted huskily, "I have to go. You have to go."

He lifted his face to look at me, and his eyes were smoky, unfocused. Instead of answering, his mouth covered mine again and I was being pulled up, his arms tight around me, until my legs wrapped around his waist.

"No I don't," he growled, and his mouth covered mine again.