You Don't Know A Thing About My Sins

*Charlie’s POV*

I left the house as soon as possible, not wanting to cause Lolly to snap again.

I know I should have told her what Gerard told me but, saying it out loud makes it real, the hurt that I’ve caused everyone in New Jersey, the hurt I’ve caused my son, and the hurt I’ve caused myself.

If I admit it to her it all becomes real and I don’t think I can handle that pain right now.

I sat in the park rocking slightly on the swings, to scared to go any higher, when memories came flooding back.

My childhood spent playing here, some of my adolescent years spent hanging out or getting wasted.

Then out of nowhere a memory of the first time I met Gerard and Frankie popped in my head.

The day they met me they had taken me out of art class and I had skipped the rest of the school day to hang out with them, they took me to a park and Gerard had held me tightly whilst he swung on the swing to make sure I wasn’t left out and felt safe.

I suddenly felt guilt and pain wash over me and quickly left the park, escaping into town.

Standing outside star bucks I found that everything reminded me of Gerard or Frank, and started crying.

The heavens then decided to make my shitty feeling worse as rain started to pour down from the sky.

I rushed inside only to bump into someone.

“Sorry,” I mumbled looking at my shoes.

“It’s ok, no damage don- Charlie? Charlie Phillips?” the voice asked.

I looked up to see a familiar face staring back at me.

“Oh my god! Chloe!” I exclaimed hugging my friend.

Chloe had been one of the people I wasted my life with when I was a teenager.

She was more sensible then us and never really did drugs or got too wasted, and for that I always respected her.

She had the courage to say no and be herself instead of doing what everyone else did just for the hell of it.

“I didn’t know you were back in England!” she exclaimed pulling away from our friendly hug.

“Neither did I! Lolly told me you and you’re family moved to France a little while back.” I told her.

“Yeah we did, I didn’t like it much, so as soon as I turned twenty one I moved back here! How have you been?” she asked.

“Fine thanks, how about you?” I lied.

“I’ve been ok thanks, and I can still tell you’re lying Charlie, you were always good at fooling you’re parents but never me or Lolly, come on lets grab some coffee and have a chat hm?” she asked.

“Weren’t you just leaving? I don’t want to keep you from anything,” I told her truthfully.

“No I was just going home, but now you’re here and I don’t really fancy going out in that!” she said pointing to the rain that was now heavily beating down on the sidewalk.

We got out coffees and settled ourselves in a booth before she told me what had happened to her throughout the past few years.

By the time she had finished we realized it was getting late so we went back to her apartment……flat…..thing….

“Now, what about you?” she asked

I explained about my time in New Jersey and all the things that had happened since I came back to England, but I also told her something I didn’t think I would tell anyone.

I mean I hadn’t even told Lolly yet, but I told her about my conversation with Gerard last night and my thoughts and feelings on it.

“Charlie, babe, I can see where you're coming from. But, think of Mark. Think of the pain you are causing yourself! You might think its easier now to believe he cheated, but the pain doesn't go away. And because you caused it, it'll be even worse, and it'll be with you every day. And Mark will think less and less of you every day that you live this lie. Gerard will be idolised more and more each day. Just, think Charlie - you're not stupid. You know Gerard didn’t cheat on you,” she told me.

Hearing that hurt really badly, but do you know what hurts me the most right now? I know she’s right…..