A Note for My Head Asking What My Heart Said

“So didja two do it yet?” Naomi asked once Zel picked up her phone. Sitting beside her in her apartment Jack cracked up, which made it hard for Naomi to keep a straight face; she pinched him, eliciting a yelp and a pout.

“…What?” Zel asked, confused. Sitting at a table outside a coffee shop down the street from the salon, she was planning on having a normal quiet lunch. Until Naomi called. Strange things happened when Naomi called as of late.

She laughed, leaning onto Jack’s shoulder. “C’mon, you can tell me. Did you boink Alex yet, or what?”

Zel sputtered wordlessly, turning bright red for only strangers to see. “No!” she exclaimed, voice spiking. “I—we—no!” Both people on the other end of the line laughed heartily at her embarrassment. Zel crossed her legs at the knee, sinking into her chair and hoping no one was looking at her. “Why would you ask that?”

“Because it’s Alex,” Naomi replied with a shrug. “He has a reputation for being a playboy.”

The young hair stylist rolled her eyes. “Thank you for that. It really bolsters my confidence.” She shook her head, brushing her bangs out of her eyes. “But no, we haven’t—” Zel caught a group of young teenage girls eying her and radically lowered her voice. “No, we haven’t had sex.”

“Yet.” Naomi smiled confidently and Jack chuckled, not even really paying attention to the television. “Because let’s face it, Zel, even your persistent avoidance of all things sexual is no match for his uncanny and much-embraced talent for making girls take off their clothes.”

“You’re a great friend, you know that?” Jack laughed. Naomi tossed him a playful glare.

Zel pressed two fingers to her temple as she leaned on the metal arm of her chair. “Naomi Desiree Palmer, you astound me. Who said we were in any sort of relationship?”

“Marizella Calandra Kolston,” she replied, stumbling over her full name. Both Zel and Jack scoffed, nearly at the same time. “Who said sex meant a relationship?”

“I did,” Zel snapped, getting frustrated. “Nay, Alex and I aren’t—”

“How’ve they not fucked yet?” Jack suddenly wondered aloud. “I mean, Alex runs around naked on tour, like, all the time.”

Naomi laughed. “Hear that, Zel? Jack obviously likes Alex's cock, so you probably will too!”

While Jack and Naomi cackled, the former protesting that the latter was one to talk about liking cock, Zel sat in her chair, knuckles going white as her hand gripped the arm, shaking. “Shut up!” she ordered loudly to be heard over their laughter. “I don’t even like him!”

Their mirth died off, Jack’s considerably faster than Naomi’s, which still made itself known with a few stray giggles. “Aww, you know we’re just teasing, Zellieface,” she cooed. “But anyway, you wanna grab food or something after my composition class? I’m feeling some gelato from that new place by the beach.”

“Why don’t you take Jack?” Zel suggested sullenly, stabbing her tortellini.

“Psh, I love you more than Jack.” Naomi grinned, hoping to get a rise out of him, but she turned to find Jack texting away on his phone. She raised a skeptical eyebrow at him until he finally noticed and looked up. He smiled questioningly. “Who apparently doesn’t care. So yeah, meet me there around 9.”

Naomi hung up the phone and frowned peculiarly at Jack, still texting. “Way to pay attention,” she remarked, laughing.

He snapped his phone shut and gave her a shockingly serious look. Jack, serious? No way. “Had to text Alex. Very important.” Naomi rolled her eyes. Oh. That explains everything. “Now.” Jack pushed her sideways down onto the couch and quirked an eyebrow. “What was this about loving Zel more than me?”

Alex was bored. Lying on his bed with his bare feet propped up on the headboard, he disinterestedly strummed a guitar and thought about Zel. Not being on tour didn’t give him much to do, and that, coupled with his unexplainable—well, at the beginning it was; it was easily explained now—fascination with her, made him restless.

His phone beeped in his pocket, signalling that he had a text message, and he lazily pulled it out to read. Dude n ppl say UR a heartbreaker. Alex frowned; what the hell was Jack talking about? A few seconds later another text came: Ull nvr believ what Zel just said.

Alex took his left hand away from the guitar’s neck and began texting back; full keyboards made it much easier to exchange quick messages. She thinks about me in th showr n touches herslf? He smirked at the very idea, Zel thinking about him in the shower. Zel in in the shower, all sudsy… wet… steamy… naked. That was the important part.

Jack’s reply made him start out of his reverie, and half-annoyed he read it. I sed Zel, not me. Alex snorted as another text came. U wish, bro. she dsnt evn like u.

Fuck u asshole. Alex wasn’t really mad. It was preposterous that Zel didn’t think about Alex as much as he did her. Not that he’d ever admit that fact.

SRSLY! SHE SED IT!

Alex frowned, sitting up and setting his guitar aside. As much as he trusted his best friend, as much as anyone could trust Jack, he couldn’t believe that she had no interest in him. There was no way she could fake enjoying herself like he saw she did. Alex simply texted back “bullshit” and tossed his phone onto a pile of clothes on the floor.

“No way,” he muttered to himself, staring up at the ceiling. “No fuckin’ way.” But he knew there was a way. Zel had been completely against socialising at all with him until she had a sudden, kind of inexplicable change of heart.

Alex tried to forget about it. He distracted himself semi-successfully until the late afternoon, but found that Zel was still on his mind. So he went back upstairs to his room, picked up his phone, and called her. “What’re you doing later?” he asked casually.

“I’ve got plans,” Zel replied distractedly. In truth she was working on a temperamental, uncompromising client’s hair, but Alex had no way of knowing that.

He narrowed his eyes suspiciously; he wanted to ask what plans, or with whom, but stopped himself. “What’re you doing now?”

She sighed in annoyance, or at least that’s how Alex read it. “I’m busy, Alex. Look, I’ll call you when I’m free, okay?” Then she hung up, before he could even ask if she was still planning to come to his show.

Alex glared at the phone in his hand for a long moment, before searching through the pockets of his clothes for a slip of paper. Zel was too busy for him? Fine, he could easily make plans. She didn’t like him? Well, he knew plenty of ways to show her what a mistake that was.

Naomi shivered as she clamoured into Zel’s car. “Okay, maybe gelato at the beach wasn’t such a great idea,” she admitted, huddling into her coat. “It’s supposed to snow this week.”

Zel smiled over at her friend. “Gelato was a great idea,” she corrected. “Reminds me of Italy. Naturally, it’s better there, but most things are better in their native country.” She turned the ignition and amazingly the engine started on the first try.

“Good karma,” Naomi laughed, turning up the heat. “Maybe it’s beginning a streak.”

“I wouldn’t count on it. Oh, do you mind if we swing by Monday’s? I have to pick up my pay check.” The pair continued enjoying themselves as they drove into the quieter edge of the ‘bustling nightlife’ in the city. Zel surprised herself with how happy she felt; she’d gotten over Naomi and Jack’s jibes earlier, even though they left her a little salty. She didn’t want to jump head first into things.

“I’ll be right back, sugar-lips,” Zel said, deepening her voice and tossing a wink at her friend. “Or whatever the hell Jack calls you.” Before shutting the door, she snatched Naomi’s hat off her head and set it on her own.

“It’s honey-buns, for your information!” Naomi declared, lifting her nose into the air and attempting snobbery despite her hair sticking up. “And go get your money before I freeze my ass off in here.”

Zel laughed as she jogged into the bar through the side entrance. The bar was pretty full, nothing unusual for the cold. She greeted Marissa and Jane, standing behind the bar, and looked around for Marty; when she spotted him and locked eyes with him, he held up a finger, remembering why she was there, and headed into the office.

“Hey, darlin’, want a drink?” Jane drawled, gleaming that beauty-queen smile as Zel sat down at the bar.

“No thanks,” she replied, leaning her chin into a hand. “I’m just getting my check before I take Naomi home.” She waved a hand at a regular, who raised his drink to her. Zel sighed lightly. “Guess the crowd doesn’t really change night to night.”

Marissa bounced over as she handed a man his beer, pigtails bobbing. “Don’t you have the night off?” she asked, squeaky voice fluttering like a hummingbird. “What happened to being as far from here as possible?” Zel chuckled, though to be honest Marissa’s voice was already starting to give her a headache. Jane mentioned the word ‘money’ and Marissa was off again. “Ooooooh! I totally understand that. I’m surprised you didn’t come in that boy though. He really seemed to like you.”

Zel raised an eyebrow. “Boy?”

“Yeah. Your little stalker. He’s over there.” Both Jane and Zel turned to look at where she pointed, to a table in the corner whose inhabitants made Zel’s jaw go slack. Yes, it certainly was Alex, very intent apparently on trying to turn the girl beside him into a vampire. Zel’s stomach dropped as the girl giggled and Alex paused to give her his patented charming smile. “At least I think that’s him. He’s cute if he isn’t.”

Blood boiling, Zel tightened her jaw as Marty walked up with an envelope. “No,” she stated monotonously, snapping the envelope from his hand and standing. “He’s not stupid enough to come here with another girl.” Throwing the table a venomous glare, she muttered a goodbye and strode out of the bar.

Naomi knew something was wrong the second Zel sat down; she was wearing that old icy, impassive mask and moving with deliberate speed. “What?” she asked, staring. “Did someone give you shit?”

“No,” Zel replied blankly, starting the car. “Everything’s fine.” But he won’t be when I get through with him, she finished to herself viciously.

The ride to Naomi’s apartment was silent, both girls thinking. Naomi wondered what the hell could have happened in such a short time to produce such a regression. Zel wondered why she was so livid at him, but moreover why she felt like crying. She didn’t feel the urge to cry at her parents’ funeral; there was no reason for it now.

Naomi stole a glance at her friend as the car stopped outside her apartment building. “When you wanna dish, call me,” she said quietly. “I won’t care if Jack’s around; you’re more important.”

Zel bite the inside of her lower lip. “I’m fine,” she murmured, staring straight ahead.

“…You’re still coming to the guys’ show, right?”

A lump welled up in her throat and she fought to keep a blank expression. “…Yeah. I want to relearn who Rian Dawson is.” The second Naomi stepped away from the card, Zel floored the accelerator, zooming down the street and leaving her best friend even more confused.

Luciano was sitting on the couch, reading and listening to Mozart, when Zel quietly shut the front door. He smiled as she crossed the living room. “Have fun?” he asked.

“Parti,” she replied softly, already climbing the stairs.

He frowned. “I put Ania to bed.”

“Grazie.”

“…Sweet dreams or none at all, Zel.”

She bit her lip, hand on her bedroom doorknob. Tears slid down her cheeks. “Buona notte, fratellino,” she managed before silently entering her room and burying herself in the covers of her bed.

Oh, that was right. She had cried when her parents died, she remembered as she sobbed into the mattress. After the funeral, when everyone had gone home and it was just Zel. All by herself. Alone. Again.

Her dreams swirled, but once she opened her eyes, Zel didn’t remember any of them. Her eyes ached, her chest hurt, and she couldn’t find the energy or willpower to drag herself up. Outside her window, snow drifted slowly downward, drowning everything in white. She stared for so long, not moving, that her eyes watered. Or maybe that was her thinking.

A tap came at her door, but Zel didn’t move. After a moment, it cracked open and Lu and Ania poked their heads in before entering, both in their pyjamas. “It’s snowing!” Stephania whispered excitedly, staring out with window with big eyes.

“We have a snow day,” Luciano informed, head tilting slightly to one side. “And Loretta just called to say you don’t have to come in.” Zel nodded, a barely discernable adjustment of her head. “I was going to make omelettes. Do you want one?” She shook her head ever-so-slightly.

Lu told his younger sister to go get dressed in her snow clothes and they would play in the snow before breakfast. Once she rushed out, he studied Zel with dark, calculating eyes; she ground her palm into her eye and continued staring blankly at the snow. “I thought about it last night,” he said, almost conversationally, “And the only thing I could come up with had to do with that guy, Alex.” Murky green eyes flickered up to deep brown and away. Lu leaned and kissed his sister’s forehead. “He doesn’t deserve knowing you.”

Zel leered after her brother’s back as he quietly shut the door and peered out again with a sigh. Luciano was too perceptive sometimes. She reached out a hand and felt around her alarm for the radio, curling back into the covers. The world outside this room was not worth going out in.

“~ —already wet and we're gonna go swimming
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?~”

Zel scowled and burrowed the side of her face into her pillow. Why the hell does this make me think of Alex? she demanded in her head. Stupid, misleading bastard.

“~Isn't this the best part of breakin' up?
Finding someone else you can't get enough of?
Someone who wants to be with you, too

It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch.
But wouldn't it be beautiful?

Here we go, we're at the beginning
We haven't fucked yet, but my head’s spinning~”

As she continued listening and thinking, her eyes widened. It reminded her of Alex because that’s how she felt about him. Even if the song was about finding someone while cheating on someone else, she wanted that overwhelming rush of happiness with him. She liked who she was around Alex, she liked how she didn’t worry so much.

“~Hot enough for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin'
Hot enough for you to pull me under
Somethin's growin'
Out of this that we can't control
Baby I am dyin'

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?~”

In spite of everything—all his annoying habits, his stupid cockiness, how he was pulling her life apart—Zel was crazy about Alex.

“~Why can't I brea—~”

Slamming a hand on the radio, she leapt out of bed, scrambling for her clothes. She needed help, but had no idea whom to ask. Naomi was busy with Jack, Katrina would tell her to jump him, any family member would want to meet him...

As she hopped down the stairs, Zel tugged on a knitted hat and exited the house. She grinned at Ania and Lu kicking around in the snow, scooped up a handful, and flung it at them. Ania giggled when Lu got pasted in the back of the head. Zel ducked, jumping off the porch, as he threw one back, running after her.

Maybe this was something she’d had to figure out on her own. But she’d have to do it fast; the guys wouldn’t stay away for long.