A Note for My Head Asking What My Heart Said

Zel groaned as she woke, head pounding violently. Recognising the surrounding room immediately, she squinted in the dim light filtering in from the window leading out onto Rian’s front lawn. Now if I could remember how I got here, she thought, rubbing her temple as she slowly sat up.

A sleepy, incoherent grumble rose beside her, and Zel’s head snapped around, suddenly panicked. She swore softly, a string of foreign words that would have gotten her mouth washed out with soap by any of her family. However, after a quick damage control, Zel realised that both she and Alex, sleeping beside her with his mouth hanging open, still had their pants on—even though hers were undone—and her bra was still fastened. There was no chance, she thought, that Alex had the ability or desire to put on his or her clothes after drunken sex.

Zel spotted her shirt on the floor and slowly pealed back the blanket covering them both—she replaced it around Alex’s shoulder—before redressing. She had to reattempt the buttons a few times before getting them correct and shuffling upstairs. Even hungover and three years absent, she could still navigate the Dawson house well enough to find the kitchen.

“Morning, sunshine,” Rian greeted with a slight derision in his tone; he was sitting at the kitchen table with Kara, both eating cereal. Zel muttered in response—she wasn’t even sure what language it was in. “How d’you feel?”

“My mouth tastes like I’ve been gargling a nine-volt battery pickled in cheap bourdon,” she grumbled, wincing at the volume of her own voice as she poured herself a large glass of water. “Aspirin?”

Kara rattled the bottle, making Zel moan in agony and quickly snatch it from her. “Considering how drunk you two were, that’s not surprising,” she mused, watching the brunette gulp down the pills in a mouthful of water.

"Am I going to have to sterilise that couch?" Rian asked, wincing as he thought about the reason.

Zel shook her head. "I don't remember anything after you buying me that pretty blue drink," she admitted as Zack scuffled in, "But I had most of my clothes on when I woke up. Morning, Zack."

"Delightfully awkward thing to hear first thing in the morning," he commented, running a hand over his head. "Is there coffee? Please tell me there's coffee."

Just about the time Zack and Kara finished their coffee, Zel’s headache was dull enough that she decided to go home. “You’re gonna walk?” Zack asked incredulously, rinsing his mug. “Have you looked outside?”

Zel shrugged. “I’ve walked in worse, and it’s only a few blocks.” She glanced out the window, calculating. “I’ll… walk fast.”

“No way,” Zack insisted. “I’ll drive you.”

“Waste of gas,” she sing-songed, strolling out of the room.

“Don’t care,” he imitated, following her.

Zel stopped, about to close Rian’s front door. “Maybe I should leave a note or something,” she mumbled thoughtfully to herself.

“Don’t bother,” Zack said, continuing towards his car. “Alex won’t be up for another two hours at least. And you really think he gives a shit?” Unable to think of a reasonable argument to that, Zel shrugged her coat closer and hopped off the porch after Zack. Both shivering, they climbed into his car and fumbled with their seatbelts. He started the engine and backed into the quiet street. “So you didn’t sleep with Alex?”

She frowned slightly. “No. I didn’t.” Zel didn’t know where this was going, or why Zack was even interested. Alex would probably head up the next guy-talk session.

“…Why not?”

Her frowned deepened in thought. Because she was drunk? Because it hadn’t felt right? Truth to tell, Zel had no idea. She would assume she’d be more open to the idea blind drunk, but then again, she couldn’t even remember getting to Rian’s house. “…I dunno,” she replied honestly.

Another pause stretched between them, and Zel was almost afraid to look anywhere but out the windshield. “…Do you want to?” Zack asked softly.

Zel opened her mouth—to say, of course she did, she and Alex were together—but she hesitated. Were they together? Was this a relationship? She closed her mouth silently, and Zack pulled up beside her house. Lingering another moment, hoping she would give him an answer but knowing she couldn’t, Zel got out of the car and walked into her house without a word. Zack watched from his window until the front door shut tightly.

Her shift at Monday’s passed uneventfully; Ashley had to throw a few people out, but that wasn’t unusual due to pretty bartenders and “a man in a skirt.” Zel laughed at one skittered out the front door, tugging his jeans up. “That’s what you get for sagging,” Kat wheezed, holding herself up on the bar.

During her cigarette break—her break from all the cigarettes since the bar was one of the few places that still allowed smoking inside—she called Naomi to check up on her, her brother at her nonna’s to ascertain that everything was going fine, and Alex, mostly just to hear his voice. Apparently he’d been just as confused as she, if not more, upon waking up, since he did remember what happened the night before but didn’t want to talk about it at the time. “Come over tomorrow and we’ll have a replay,” he suggested, a grin in his voice.

Zel rolled her eyes, chuckling. “Oh dear me,” she sighed playfully. “If you’re this excited, I just might have to do some laundry and only be left with something scandalous. Or nothing at all.”

Alex blinked, grin widening; he’d never heard her so compliant. Sober, anyway. “Don’t tease.”

“Teasing implies I wouldn’t do it.” She smirked at the stunned silence coming through the receiver of her cell phone. Just as Alex began to speak, she chirped, “Oh, would you look at that! My break is over. Time to go back to working.”

“…You’re just… cruel.” She laughed, bid him a good evening, and snapped her phone shut. Ashley, Kat, and some of the patrons gave Zel strange looks as she re-entered the bar with a smug smile, breaking into laughter every few seconds.

She rarely stayed until closing, when the few people who were still around were helped outside and sent off into the world, but since Zel had nothing else to do the next morning, she figured she’d stick around. In spite of everything, she was a night owl, and just the sight of the silent morning made her smile. Hand around her keys in her pocket, Zel walked briskly towards her car.

A hand closed over her mouth and a knife pressed against her neck faster than Zel could scream. “Don’t move, girly,” a man’s voice rasped in her ear as she struggled. “I’ll let you live if you make it easy.” She froze, eyes squeezed shut. Terror didn’t begin to cover the feeling seeping though her skin. “That’s a good girl. Now I’m going to take my hand off your mouth and you’re not going to call for help. Otherwise your face won’t be so pretty anymore.”

The man slowly let her loose, but quickly grabbed her around the waist when she jerked. “I don’t have much money, take anything, just please let me go,” she pled, tears streaming down her face.

“I don’t want your money.” Zel cringed as something slimy snaked around her ear and yelped as the man threw her against a car. Her car. She blinked up at him, fear numbing the pain of the connection, and memorised his shadowy face. A sick smirk crossed his lips. “Now. Be a good girl and take off your pants.”

Her eyes widened. “No,” she whispered.

The smirk grew, and the knife in his hand shone in the yellow streetlight. “Have it your way.” He lunged at her, and Zel quickly snapped her knee up. The man groaned and swore as he hunched over, and she quickly drove her elbow into his upper lip; her attacker went backwards with another grunt of pain and flopped into the snow.

He didn’t move in the five seconds she stared before bolting into the driver’s seat and pealed onto the empty street, not bothering to buckle her seatbelt or check for oncoming traffic. Heart still racing she fumbled her phone out of her purse and called the police. They seemed somewhat confused to receive a call from a distressed young woman informing them a man, now unconscious in the parking lot, had tried to rape her.

After she hung up, now worried about the troupe of police officers that would show up at her house soon, Zel made another call. “Alex, please pick up,” she whispered, shaking as she slowed at a red light. Unfortunately the ring sounding in her ear just continued until Alex’s voice told her to leave a message.

Biting her lip and clutching her cell, Zel thought fast despite the rationale that she should think slowly and judiciously. Her family would panic worse than she had. Rian, he told her earlier, was out for the night with Kara and her family, and it was past one in the morning, so he was out. Jack would be up, but in no way did he and Zel have that sort of relationship. She tried Alex again as she drew closer to her suburb, but he still didn’t pick up.

“Bastardo,” she muttered, glaring at her phone. “What the hell are you doing at this hour? I know for damn sure you aren’t sleeping.” Naomi would freak. Katrina would freak and then tell Marty, and then Zel might lose her job. Adam… she hadn’t seen Adam since she quit the diner. That only left one number.

Why Zack was watching such a terrible movie at half-past one in the morning, or at all, he had no idea but he was thankful that he was awake when his cell rang. “Hey, Zel,” he greeted casually, eyes still lazily fixed on the television.

“Zack, I need you to come over,” a tiny voice trembled.

He sat up, attention sharp. “Zel? What’s wrong?”

She sniffled. “J-just come over, o-okay?”

“Sure, Zel,” Zack said, tugging on a pair of sneakers. “I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

“Okay… don’t freak out if the cops are here.”

Zack jerked, tripping over a backpack. “What? Zel, what cops? What the hell’s happening?” But Zel had already hung up. He groaned under his breath, grabbing a hoodie off a chair. “Shit.”

Blue and red lights painted the snow as Zack pulled up. Sleepy neighbours stood out in front of their houses, wondering and gossiping about what was happening. The young woman who lived there always seemed like such a nice girl. He climbed out of her car and suddenly all eyes were on him. Who was this boy heading into the house? Maybe he had something to do with it.

The door swung open and a stony-faced policewoman stopped at the sight of Zack. She arched a thin eyebrow at Zel, sitting on her couch and staring blankly into the fireplace. “Do you know this young man, Miss Kolston?” the officer asked, eying him.

Zel’s head jerked up and Zack saw the mascara running from her red eyes. “Y-yes,” she stuttered. Zel cleared her throat. “Yes, I do.”

The officer nodded and said that they’d follow up with her once they had interrogated the man before sweeping past Zack. He edged in and swung the door shut, watching the woman and feeling even more confused and worried than before. “What—”

He stumbled back a step as Zel squeezed him tightly. “I’m sorry, Zack,” she said, breaking into tears again. “I didn’t know who else to call—oh god, I shouldn’t have call you so late—”

“Zel!” he interrupted, prying her arms away and looking at her earnestly. “Don’t worry about it; I was up. Just tell me what happened.”

Zel retold the story as she had to the police and tried to keep as steady as possible. Zack followed her around the floor as she made more coffee and checked the locks on doors and windows and sat on the couch; he held the hand that clutched his. “I think,” he said, long after the coffee had gone cold and his green-eyed companion had calmed down. “That what you need is sleep. It won’t make this go away, but you’ll feel better in the morning."

Zack helped her up and walked her to the stairs before Zel stopped and turned to him. Her eyes shone with wistful trepidation. “I… I don’t want to be alone tonight,” she said softly. “W-would you mind… will you stay?”

He nodded slowly, giving her a diffident smile, and followed her up the stairs, still holding her hand. Zel wasn’t in the least tired, though her eyes ached and she knew it was late, but she wasn’t thinking straight. Still in shock probably.

Zack blushed, turning away as Zel pulled her shirt over her head, and made this same assumption. In shock. Not thinking right. He looked at the hand that appeared on his shoulder and turned him around. His eyes widened at the sight of her… not really dressed at all. “What—” She pulled his head down and smothered the question with her lips.

After a second, Zack put his hands up, desperate not to hold Zel closer. He managed to free his lips and say, “Zel, what are you—”

“Shh,” she whispered, kissing him again and beginning to walk him back towards her bed.

“No,” he protested, pulling her hands away. “You just—you and Alex…” Zack faltered under the forlorn, pining look fixed on him. He was supposed to be the stoic, staid one, never doing irrational things, always thinking things through. His best friend’s girlfriend-type-thing certainly fell under “irrational things”.

Zel pushed him to sit on the comforter and gazed down at him. “I just… need you with me. Okay?” He nodded dumbly and she carefully climbed into his lap, pressing him back until his back hit the bed. She pulled his shirt over his head, and as she reattached their lips, Zack reached out and turned off the light.

The next morning Zel awoke groggily, hair awry from tossing and turning. Eventually, it seemed, she’d settled into spooning with Zack, who awoke with a start and nearly fell off the bed when she yelped. He ran a hand over his face. “Jesus, don’t do that,” he breathed sleepily.

Clutching her sheets to her bare chest, she gaped at him. “I think I have some right to,” she argued, trying to sound hysterical. “I’m sorry, but I’ve never woken up naked next to anyone before.”

“I figured. Tip for next time, though: don’t scream.” He rubbed his eyes, trying to wake himself up. After a second Zack blinked and turned to Zel, whose cheeks had turned pink. “Not last night—I mean, you can scream if you want—in the morning…” He sighed. “Never mind. That’s not what I meant.”

Zel coughed slightly. “Er. Right.” Pause. “You think you could pass me a shirt?”

After they both got dressed, Zel and Zack went downstairs quietly; he tried to insist on helping her make breakfast, but subsided when she said, “I’ll feel better if I’m doing something not incredibly out of the ordinary.” So he sat at the kitchen table and watched her, thinking of something to say. By the time Zel set a plate of waffles in front of him, Zack had thought of something.

“Shit.”

“Pretty much,” she agreed, leaning into the fridge for syrup and jam. Zack quickly stopped staring and turned his attention to his waffles as Zel straightened. “So… I’ve been thinking.” He hummed inquisitively, carefully drizzling maple syrup over his plate. “I think we should just forget this happened.”

Zack glanced up to find Zel sitting across from him and staring at her hands unhappily. “Nice idea,” he commented. “Dunno if it’s practical though. Do you have any ketchup?”

“…You want ketchup for your waffles.” He grinned, nodding. Zel chuckled and returned to the refrigerator. “You are a strange boy.”

“I do love ketchup,” Zack said with a smile. She set it in front of him deliberately and shook her head in amusement. He stabbed a bite into his mouth and chewed carefully. “I don’t think forgetting this is—”

“Waffles!” Stephania cried gleefully, startling both Zel and Zack. She plopped herself down in a chair next to Zack, who blinked at her awkwardly; taking a huge bite and chewing, she smiled at him. “’o’re ‘ou?”

“Stephania, non parlare con la tua bocca plena,” Zel reprimanded lightly, getting up to pour her some milk.

Luciano strolled in and was shocked, in his own strange way, to find yet another teenage guy in the house talking to his sister. He tilted his head at the newcomer, who smiled uneasily, feeling uncomfortable at being caught in the house. “Well, you’re not Rian,” Lu said musingly, taking some waffles. “And you’re not the one trying to get in Zel’s pants—” Zel choked on her glass of water “—And you look too smart and don’t have Naomi attached to you, so you can’t be Jack.” He raised an eyebrow, dark eyes calculating and accusatory. “So you must be the one she talks to on the phone all the time.”

“Zack,” Zack supplied, reaching a hand over a table. Luciano blinked, surprised by his formality, but shook it. This one has potential.

“I thought you two were staying at Nonna’s,” Zel said, having recovered from coughing.

Ania jammed another big bite in her mouth and chewed carefully when her older sister gave her a look. “Uncle Tony brought us home this morning,” she said, wiping her mouth. Stephania sighed and leaned her chin into her hands, looking at Zack. “Are you Zel’s boyfriend? No one will tell me.”

Zack started and cast a stricken look at Zel, who rolled her eyes. “No, I’m not your sister’s boyfriend. She… invited me by for breakfast.”

“…You’re a terrible liar,” Lu muttered into his plate.

Zel dropped her fork, which clattered loudly onto her plate. "Finito?" she asked in a sharply perky voice. Ania and Lu nodded soundlessly. "Grand. Go watch cartoons."

The youngest Kolston danced off with delight, while the only male Kolston stood more slowly and pushed in his chair. "I like him more," Lu whispered in passing.

Once he'd passed out of the room, Zel slammed her head on the table, producing a noise that made Zack wince. He leaned forward to try to make out what she was muttering; something that started with a moaned "oh god!" and trailed off into a lot of Italian. He started back when she raised her face, eyes tired and worried. "Whatever you do," Zel said softly, "Don't tell Alex."

"Are you nuts?" Zack demanded. Zel sat up slowly, looking at him sceptically, though still worried. "Of course I'm not telling Alex! I’ve seen him angry and, trust me, it's not something you'd like to ever see. Ever. We're not telling anyone what happened."

She nodded numbly, staring blankly though the world. Zack sighed, grabbed a bag of frozen corn from the freezer, and pressed it to her forehead for a minute or two before replacing it. "I'm gonna head home. Just... try to forget it, okay?" Zel frowned, squinting at him like he was an idiot. Zack blinked in realisation after a moment and rolled his eyes. "Right. That whole... never forgetting your first... thing."

Zel laughed weakly, wholly unamused. "Go home, Zack."

He nodded, a smile shading his eyes, and kissed her gently, taking them both by surprise. They both flushed as they stared at each other. "Sorry," Zack muttered sheepishly, looking at his feet. "I just—I mean... sorry."

Zel was still sitting in her chair, gobsmacked, when the front door shut. This made things so much more complicated.