A Note for My Head Asking What My Heart Said

Alex sighed as he lifted himself out of his car. He knew he should have flowers or candy or something, but the trip was kind of impulsive. Not like he had any money anyway.

He hesitated before knocking at the door, and then took half a step back. No one came to the door for a few moments before he knocked again, loudly. Alex glanced into the driveway: no beat-up, rust-patched muscle-car. “This is stupid,” he muttered, turning the leave.

The front door creaked open, and Alex jerked around. To his surprise a much smaller brunette than the one he expected appeared, peering up at him with shy expectancy. What’s a six-year-old doing answering the door anyway? “Hey,” he greeted, unsure of whether he should still leave. “Is… Zel here?”

Stephania shook her head and opened the door a little wider. “No, she went to get Nonna for dinner,” she explained. Alex nodded and began to leave.

“Ania, Zel said not to answer the door!” The door opened fully and Luciano’s expression dropped into a frown. “Oh. It’s you. Zel’s not here.”

“Yeah,” Alex said, rubbing the back of his head, “Uh, Stephania told me. Could you tell her I came by?”

Lu nodded and began to shut the door when Ania piped up. “Stay for dinner!” Both boys stared at her, and she bounced on her toes without another word. Lu sighed, rolling his eyes, and vacated the door. Apparently he wasn’t the only one who was certain about speaking.

Alex walked into the house, looking around at everything. He noticed Stephania bounce onto the couch and pull her feet up, watching him examine everything. “What happened to your eye?” she asked curiously.

“My friend and I had a fight,” he explained after a moment.

“Friends aren’t supposed to fight,” Ania chided, frowning.

He smiled weakly, looking over at her. “Sometimes they do though. The important part is to make up.” He quickly turned his attention elsewhere; the sisters looked too much alike, and it got him thinking about what Zel’s might would look like.

“Do you like music?” she asked with sudden interest—without a segue—as he looked at a picture over the fireplace.

“I love music,” he replied in that I’m-talking-to-a-little-girl voice. “In fact, I love music so much I decided to make music instead of going to school.” Alex paused, eyes fixed on a picture of Zel and Lu, both beaming at the camera; he couldn’t help but smile. “Do you like music?”

Ania nodded. “Zel and Lu play music for me sometimes, but I like it best when Zel sings to me.”

Alex turned, surprised. “She never told me she sings.”

The girl shrugged. “She doesn’t sing a lot anymore,” Ania said. She paused, pushing her lower lip out. “Why don’t you like school?”

He continued walking slowly along the row of pictures as he talked. “After you do it for so long, you get tired of it,” he explained. “You’ll see when you get older. But I really just like making music.” He smiled at Ania, who blinked with big fascinated eyes. “It makes me happy, and it makes other people happy.”

Alex picked up a picture that looked more recent than all the others. The infant was obviously the little girl who sat behind him, hazel eyes still large; the boy was far happier-looking than Alex had ever seen Luciano. Zel looked about fourteen in the picture; she wasn’t exactly smiling, but she had an amused glint in her eye that Alex recognised.

What unsettled his stomach were the other two people in the photo, the man and the woman. Both had dark hair and were very clearly Zel’s parents; Alex noticed offhandedly that the eldest women could have been sisters. Both looked so happy and proud.

“Will you make Zel happy with your music?” Alex turned, still holding the frame. Stephania was still sitting on the couch, hands laced together, gaze still fixed on him. “She’s always so sad.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, walking over to sit next to her.

Again Ania shrugged. “Zel always takes care of me and Lu, and she works instead of school so we can live here, but she’s not happy. She’s always tired and she doesn’t go out and play with friends.” She looked down at the picture in his hands and back up at him. “Do you love her?”

Alex faltered in his speech. Nobody had asked the question outright, even before she cheated on him. And here a little girl made it so simple. “Yeah.” He nodded slowly. “I love Zel.”

Stephania nodded too. “She loves you too.” She smiled—just like Zel, Alex noticed—and scooted closer. “Will you sing me a song?”

He grinned and opened his mouth, but the front door opened, letting in the sounds of two women speaking in Italian. Alex winked. “Later,” he whispered. Ania pouted, crossing her arms, and he chuckled, standing. “I promise.”

“Nonna!” the girl cried happily, hopping up from the couch and running to hug the elderly woman beside her older granddaughter.

Zel stopped gaping at Alex and, running a hand through her hair, shrugged off her coat. “Um,” she stuttered. “I, uh…” Her grandmother patted the child’s head and looked at Alex curiously. Zel bit her lip. “Nonna, this is my… Alex. This is Alex.”

“Uh, ciao!” Alex said, waving.

The woman’s face brightened and Zel groaned to herself. “Nonna, I have to finish making dinner. Ania, how about you show Nonna the pictures you drew?” She headed into the kitchen.

“I guess I’ll—”

“You’re helping,” Zel snapped, tugging him by the shirt. Alex stumbled after her and almost ran into the wall when she let him go to tie her hair back and stalk around the kitchen. He watched her go from pot to skillet to oven for a few minutes in silence before Zel stopped. “Alright. What are you doing here?”

“I came over to… apologise,” Alex explained slowly, ruffling up his hair.

She crossed her arms. “Apologise.”

“Yeah.”

“For what?”

He opened his mouth, paused, and realised that he didn’t remember. Zel seemed to realise this and smothered a smile in going back to cooking. They sat in silence again, both wanting the other to initiate conversation. It would have been a perfect example of mamihlapinatapai, except that they never shared a look; mostly it was just Alex keeping both eyes on Zel.

“I suppose I should say I’m sorry,” Zel said quietly after a while.

“…Are you?” Alex challenged.

She clicked off the stove and gazed out the window; after a moment she sighed. “Yes and no.” From the cabinet, Zel took down a stack of plates, which Alex immediately took from her and began setting the table. “Am I sorry that I took advantage of Zack’s friendship? Incredibly. Am I sorry I let it go on for as long as it did? Yes. Well, mostly. Am I sorry that I ’fessed up and you got angry?” She met his eye for the first time since she’d walked in. “No.”

Alex thought over what he was going to say before he said it; he didn’t want to get it out wrong. “Zel… I—”

“È pronto cena? Luciano asked, making both of them jump.

“Oh,” Zel said, looking down at the large bowl of pasta in her hands. “Yes. It is.” Lu nodded and exited the room as silently as he’d entered. She set the bowl on the table, soon followed by Alex bringing around the bread, swearing under his breath at how hot it was.

The rest of the house came and sat down at the table. The children’s grandmother was pleased that this handsome young friend of her granddaughter’s was chivalrous enough to help her into her chair. Lu noted this as well; was he being genuine or was this a ploy to get in good with the family?

“Nonna, do you want wine?” Zel asked, already pulling the bottle from the fridge. The woman nodded, smiling at Alex as she surveyed him; he smiled in return, but more nervously. “Lu?”

“You’re giving your twelve year-old brother alcohol?” Alex asked in disbelief.

“Is okay,” Nonna said, patting his hand. “In Italy, everyone drinks wine.” Zel poured everyone—save her younger sister who got milk—a glass of red wine and sat down beside her brother, across from Alex. “How you know my granddaughter…?”

“Alex,” he prompted, filling his plate. “I’m a friend of Rian’s. You… know Rian?”

“Si, si. He is a good boy. Know Marizella since they were in diapers. Adorable bambini.”

“Nonna,” Zel scolded gently over her wine, “Alex doesn’t want to hear about when Rian and I were kids.”

Alex smiled between the two women. “Sure I do,” he pressed. “What were they like?”

Dinner continued surprisingly well, Zel thought. As usual Lu didn’t say much, but he seemed a little—a very little—more at ease with the foreign presence amongst them. It surprised her how friendly Stephania was, asking Alex questions and telling everyone stories of her recent escapades; Zel knew Alex wasn’t fantastically comfortable with kids, but his interest didn’t seem too forced.

But what bothered her didn’t come together until later, after she watched him deal with her grandmother’s broken English, after she and Lu cleared away all the dishes, after the five of them sat in the living room looking at pictures over fruit and wine, after Nonna had brought Ania to bed and sung her a lullaby. It happened when her aunt Antonia arrived to take her mother-in-law home.

Nonna got up, with Alex’s immediate help, and smiled at the young man. She held out her arms and, chuckling, he hugged her. Zel watched them, neither letting go immediately, like family did. She patted his cheek and turned to her granddaughter.

“Lo approvo,” Nonna murmured. Zel smiled sadly into her shoulder. “Deve portarlo alla casa per cena così tutti possono incontrare il tuo amico.”

She looked over her grandmother’s shoulder at Alex, eyes veiled and fixed on her. “È il mio rogazzo,” she said, voice hardly above a whisper. “E si amo/”

The front door shut. Luciano decided to retire to bed early, having sensed the tension between the two. Alone in the quiet house, Alex and Zel stood unmoving for a long stretch of time. They just stared at each other from nearly opposite sides of the room.

Eventually Zel decided she needed to wash the wine glasses that had been left out on the table. But as she made to grab her own half-full one, Alex grabbed her hand. When her eyes lifted, he was smiling slightly. He picked up his own glass and toasted; he didn’t say anything, which was unusual for him, but neither thought much of it. They drank slowly, eyes locked on the other until Zel lifted her head all the way back to catch the last droplets.

She set down the glass and took a deep breath. “Alex—” Zel’s sentence was smothered by Alex’s lips on hers, and she soon forgot it with his hand on her cheek. Their kiss deepened and her hand tightened around a fistful of his shirt just before he pulled away.

“I’m sorry,” he blurted. She blinked in surprised. Alex rang his fingers through her hair. “I am so sorry.”

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for,” Zel whispered once she regained her voice.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there that night.” He planted a kiss on her neck. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how I feel about you.” Another kiss, higher, and her eyes fluttered closed. “I’m sorry I ignored you at the show.” Another kiss just below her ear. A second later, he caught her earlobe between his teeth gently. “But I’m not sorry I annoyed the hell out of you to get you to go out with me.”

Zel laughed quietly, and Alex leaned away to look her in the eye. She slowly shook her head. “I’m not sorry you did either.” He smiled, and she licked her lips. He pulled her back into a kiss, her hands slipping around his neck. Their feet shuffled around until the back of Alex’s legs hit the end of the couch, and he slowly sat, easing Zel down with him until she was straddling his lap.

One of his hands slid up her thigh, under her shirt, up her side. Her neck craned against the feather-light kisses and nibbles; a shiver ran through her. Zel emitted a squeak as his hand grazed over her chest and squeezed. Alex gave a throaty laugh and pulled her hips closer.

She ran her hands down his chest, breath hitching softly as his fingers slid into her bra. His hips jerked up when she reached the top of his jeans. Moaning a curse, Alex abandoned his task to pull her head down, sealing his lips against hers, and start to unbutton her pants.

But he frowned, confused, when she sat up straight. “This… isn’t right,” she said slowly, wincing.

“…What?” he asked after a few seconds.

Zel twitched her bangs out of her eyes. “I don’t know. Something’s just… off.”

Alex couldn’t believe it. She was stopping him now? They’d had a major fight and fixed it because they both wanted to be with together. Wasn’t now a perfect time to consummate their relationship? “…Seriously?” He could hardly form a full sentence in his head as she nodded meekly. It was difficult for him not to challenge, You’ll fuck Zack, but not me?

He could see that Zel was beyond conflicted about it; her eyes were sharp whenever they were fixed on him. But that didn’t exactly help him. Her stomach tugged when Alex whimpered, frustrated. “Tell you what,” she reasoned, eyes fixed on her fingers grazing over his neck, “I get off at midnight Tuesday. Lu and Ania will be at my aunt’s…”

“That’s too far away,” he protested, voice turning into a whine at the end. “What are you doing tomorrow?”

Zel laughed softly. “I have work.”

“Not all day. Plus you have a lunch break.”

“Alex, I’d only have ten minutes before having to drive back.”

Alex grinned. “I can work with ten minutes.”

She laughed and ran a hand through his hair. He pouted hopefully. “I’ll think about it,” Zel decided after a moment. "Seriously think about it."

He stopped from sighing and nodded. Instead Alex kissed her lightly on the lips. “Promise?” he whispered, barely pulling away.

Zel’s heart pounded in her throat as she stared into his deep brown eyes. She pressed her lips to his cheek, slowly moved up to kiss his bruised eye, and came back to kiss his lips. “I promise.”