A Note for My Head Asking What My Heart Said

“But it all depends on the person,” Zel mused, shifting her cell phone that she’d pinned between her ear and shoulder to finish cutting the crusts off her sister’s peanut butter sandwich. “I mean, if they’ve got nice legs, it could work. But if they’re a bad colour it could completely ruin the whole thing.”

“Well, they were kind of the only thing I was wearing apart from a hat and flip-flops,” Zack said on the other end of the line.

Zel laughed. “So how exactly did you get talked into a pair of baby blue hot pants?”

“Jack, with the help of fans, can be very convincing.”

She continued laughing as she transferred the sandwiches onto plates. “He sounds like fun. Maybe we should hang out sometime.” She set the plates on the kitchen table and pulled the phone away from her ear. “Luciano, Stephania! Pranzo!” She waited for the pattering sounds of footsteps before going back to start her own lunch.

On the opposite end of the phone call, Zack looked mildly impressed. “Italian?” Zel hummed assent. “Are you fluent?” Humming again, she opened the refrigerator again and rummaged for meat, cheese, and vegetables. “You’re more than sort of amazing, you know that?”

Zel chuckled modestly. “How so? Lavarsi i tuoi mani?” she asked her sister, toddling in wearing a flowery dress, plastic tiara, and big boots. Stephania Kolston was six, the prime age for princesses, tea parties, and stuffed unicorns. She, however, was more interested in knights, toy cars, and climbing trees, despite the retention of dressing herself in clashing colours and patterns.

“Yep!” she replied, hopping into a chair and scooting it in. “With soap!”

“You speak fluent Italian, you work three jobs, one of which is technically illegal, you opted not to go to college, and you’re not even nineteen yet,” Zack rattled off. “And who is that?”

“’itt’e shishter,” Zel garbled with the knife between her teeth. She squished the second piece of bread on top and pulled the knife from her mouth. “But you shouldn’t be so impressed at my extenuating circumstances. There’s perfectly boring reasons for the majority of me.”

There was a pause on the other end, in which Zel grabbed the pitcher of juice from the fridge and Zack frowned thoughtfully at his ceiling. “Why do you work so much, Zel?”

“Gotta pay the bills, my dear Merrick,” she said lightly, sitting across from Stephania and pouring her a glass.

“But why are you paying bills? Why are you out on your own at eighteen? Why are you living with your younger sister?”

Suppressing a sigh, Zel leaned on her hand and smiled weakly at her six-year-old companion, mouth smeared with blackberry jam. “That’s a lot of questions for lunchtime. Maybe after some time I can answer them, but for now, I have to go.”

“Zel--”

“Call Jack. Talk to him about some night you boys can visit me at Monday’s. Arrivederci.” With that, she hung up and shut her eyes in relief. She hated answering questions about herself, particularly in that subject area. This was why she didn’t like making friends; friends liked knowing things.

“Who was that?” Zel looked up to find her brother Luciano staring at her with astute, dark eyes, magically sitting at the end of the table; the boy was like a ninja. “A boy?”

She raised an eyebrow at the interest underlying his impassive tone. “Yes—Zack,” she replied, taking a bite of her sandwich. “I met him last weekend and he came in for a haircut the other day.”

“Is he your boyfriend?” Stephania piped up with a curious, purple-stained smile.

Zel chuckled and wiped the girl’s mouth across the table with a napkin. “No, bambina, we’re just friends.”

“How come?” she pestered, swinging her feet. Beside her, Lu blinked attentively at his older sister. He wouldn’t ask the questions, but Stephania, being so young, would and Lu would remember exactly what the answers were.

“Because we don’t know each other,” she replied patiently, “And to be in a relationship, the two people have to know enough about the other to trust them.” Zel’s eyes passed from the wide hazel eyes to the deep brown ones. She blinked sadly at the communicated thought in Lu’s expression, but noticing that Stephania has finished, Zel forced herself to smile. “All done?”

The brunette nodded. “Can I go finish my fort now?”

Zel nodded, and the little girl dashed off, followed by a reminder to wash up. Sighing, she stood, picking up the empty plates, and crossed to the sink. Luciano continued eating his sandwich at the table in silence as she washed.

“How come you don’t date?”

A plate clanged against another as Zel almost dropped it. Whipping her head around, she raised an eyebrow at her brother. “The same reason you don’t,” she replied after a moment, turning back to the dishes. “Too young.”

Lu laughed ruefully. “I’m twelve and you’re almost nineteen,” he pointed out, sitting sideways in his chair. “There’s a big difference.”

“If we lived in Italy, I would probably already be engaged or married.”

“But we’re not in Italy. We’re in Maryland, and nineteen year-olds in Maryland date.”

“Not all of them. I don’t.” Zel shook her head at the whole conversation. “I can’t see why you’ve taken such a sudden interest in my lack of a love life, Lu. Shouldn’t you be thinking about video games and books and cute girls in your class?”

He scoffed as he collected up his dishes and brought them to the sink. “The girls in my class are so immature,” Luciano stated. He stopped beside her as she took his plate and added it to the sink of soapy water. For another long moment there was silence, which wasn’t unusual in conversations between the two. Both of them had the same mentality about life, the same veil of ice to watch the world behind.

“They’d just be another person to lose.”

Zel’s hands paused and she bit the inside of her lip to keep in any and all comments. Luciano had been nine at the time, and Zel fifteen, so they could appreciate the full brunt of what happened; Stephania was only three, and it’d be amazing if she remembered it at all.

The eldest Kolston forced herself to finish the dishes as the middle Kolston rested his chin on her shoulder. “You’re getting too tall, fratellino,” she muttered as she wiped a cloth across a plate. “Pretty soon we’ll have to adjust all the doorways so you can walk around the house without ducking.”

Lu gave a sigh at her attempted jokes and sat down at the table again. “You shouldn’t have to limit yourself just because of me and Ania,” he said. “I mean, we could go live with Zia Willimina and you could sell the house and get an apartment.”

“You think I do everything I do for you two?” she asked with a pointed smirk. “Besides, you told me you hated staying with Zia Mina.”

“She smelled like cat litter and old French cheese!”

“I think that was the combination of her mah-jong and Gin Rummy clubs.”

“You should get a hobby, too. Only one that involves less old ladies.”

Zel chuckled as the doorbell rang. “I work six days a week from eight until eleven on average. I barely have time for the friends I have, much less a hobby or a boy—” Her words cut off as she opened the front door to find Rian Dawson standing on her doorstep, looking a tad uncertain. He smiled at her stunned expression. “Oh shit,” she whispered, blinking at him before shaking herself. “I mean, hi!”

Rian laughed. “Hey, Zel. Long time no see.”

She glanced back into the house and swallowed. “Not to be rude, but how do you know my name and where I live?”

“Um, we used to be best friends? I should hope I remember your house. I can’t believe you still live here.”

“But...” Zel shook her head, hoping to clear away the confusion that rattled in her brain. “I thought… Saturday night at the bar, you didn’t have a clue who I was.”

“Because I didn’t know it was you,” Rian pointed out. “Names are really helpful in remembering people, you know.”

“And how’d you discover that little titbit of information?”

“Zack. Can I come in, or are we gonna reminisce on your front porch?”

She rolled her eyes as she stepped aside. “What I learned today: Zack has a big mouth. Yeah, come on in.”

He wandered into the living room, looking around at all the furniture and decorations and thinking about how little the house had changed. But turning around to face the slim woman with wavy dark hair and distant green eyes, he saw that the house probably the only thing that had stayed the same. “He told me he went to get his haircut and that he ran into you and you hit it off... and ‘Zel’ isn’t a very common name, so I wondered if it was you and decided to come by the house and see if you still lived here.”

“Even though you should’ve remembered that I moved in with other family in sophomore year,” she added, raising an eyebrow. “You want something to eat or drink?”

“No, I’m fine.” Rian sat down on the couch and waited for Zel to sit as well. But she stayed standing. “If you weren’t here I would’ve called around. You never brought me over to your grandparents’ house.” He held her gaze firmly. “You just sort of… disappeared after… what happened.”

Zel blinked without emotion before tearing her gaze away to find Lu standing in the doorway to the kitchen. “Lu, do you remember Rian Dawson?” she asked, ignoring the subject that had been breached. “We went to high school together.”

Rian turned and smiled as the younger boy nodded and went up the stairs silently. “Wow,” he reflected. “He’s changed.” Zel collapsed onto the couch beside him. “And he’s not the only one.”

“Are you really surprised?” She pulled the tie from her ponytail, letting her hair spill over her shoulders. “I hope you didn’t take it personally. None of our old friends have talked to me since then.”

“It’s not so much we didn’t talk to you as you were never around anymore and never wanted to hang out,” Rian corrected, frowning. Quiet settled over the living room, the only sound the clack of wooden blocks being stacked into a fortress of innocence and make believe. “I missed you, Zel.” He chuckled slightly. “I was so pissed off at you for the longest time.”

Zel smiled. “I know you were. Whatever girl you were dating at the time would be a total bitch to me whenever I saw her.” They both laughed awkwardly. “But I missed you too.” She sighed and leaned back against the couch. “I just don’t have time for old friends.”

“Or new ones?” She glanced up, and Rian smiled wryly. “Yeah, Zack also told me he asked you out and your receptionist-friend shot him down in your honour. Something about ‘she doesn’t ever date’.” Zel smiled innocently, making him crack up. “You still know how to wound a guy’s pride, Zel.”

She flipped her hair over her shoulder in mockery of all those self-possessed tramps she remembered from high school. “Well, I try,” she said seriously. They both laughed, and suddenly it felt to Zel like old times. The good old days, and god she felt so old thinking that.