A Note for My Head Asking What My Heart Said

Zel distractedly reached across her legs to pick up the phone buzzing around her feet. “Pronto,” she answered, her attention numbly stuck on the children’s show entertaining Stephania. “Marizella Kolston parla.”

“What are you wearing?” a deep, sultry voice breathed into the phone.

She didn’t even bat an eye. “Ripped jeans and a hoodie, Jack. What do you want?”

After a moment, a female voice took over. “Throw on something festive, Zellieface,” Naomi ordered, slightly muffled. “We’re going to a house party.”

“Have fun with the horde of drunken idiots committing random acts of debauchery, you two,” Zel bid, setting her socked feet on the floor from the coffee table. Luciano, sitting in the armchair with a thick book, looked up briefly enough to raise a critical eyebrow; his older sister shook her head lightly. “I’m spending tonight on the couch with my brother and sister.”

“But you never come out and party with me!” she whined.

Zel smoothed a hand over her loose hair. “So why break a habit?” The doorbell rang, and she heaved herself up to answer it. Behind the door stood Jack and Naomi, both grinning widely at her. Sighing, Zel hung up the phone. “No, guys.”

“Aww, c’mon, Zel!” Jack exclaimed, brushing past her as he waved his hands. “When was the last time you went to a party?” He blinked and did a double take at the younger Kolstons, both now staring at him; Jack grinned widely, waved, and turned back to Zel. “You’ve never been to a party with me and the guys.”

“That’s not something I want to make a habit of, Barakat,” she chuckled, heading back to the couch.

As soon as her body hit the cushions, Lu spoke up quietly. “You should go,” he said definitely. Everyone in the room—barring Ania who couldn’t cared have cared less about anything except the exploding robots on the television—turned to stare at him, but he said nothing more. For Luciano, there was nothing more to say; he knew his sister didn’t get out or have any time for herself and she seemed much happier after meeting these people.

A grin grew on Jack’s face as he watched Zel’s expression slowly change and when she sighed, he punched the air. “Naomi, go find our new partygirl a new shirt.”

“Bitch, don’t tell me what to do,” Naomi directed with a smile as she headed upstairs. Zel rolled her eyes darkly at the pair of them, Jack watching Naomi as she disappeared, and kicked her feet up on the table again. She couldn’t say why she was annoyed; they were doing her a favour getting her out of the house and around people her age.

Oh, wait. That sounded like something Alex would say.

Thirty minutes later, after Zel had been sufficiently party-attired, the three pulled up in Naomi’s car to a house that was very obviously already going full-force in party-mode. Slamming the car door, Zel stared apprehensively at the scene. “I sudden have a very, very bad feeling about this idea.”

“Come on, no point in chickening out now!” Naomi exclaimed, tugging her after Jack, who’d practically taken off running into the house.

The chaos was even louder inside. Music blared through the house, so thick it was almost visible. People were everywhere, laughing and dancing and shouting and drinking. God, were they drinking. Following Naomi through the throng, Zel edged around a group doing shots and shouting at the television, barely discernible in the noise. Her green gaze slid around the faces with eyes fixed on her as she passed; conversations paused, eyebrows lifted.

All Zel hoped was that these people didn’t remember her.

“Well,” she quipped, arching an eyebrow at a girl who sneered at her over her red plastic cup, “This certainly is friendly, isn’t it, Nay?” Zel looked around. “Naomi?” But she was gone, and that meant Zel was alone in an unfamiliar house full of drunk people. She pursed her lips and turned to what she hoped was the back of the house; she could use some air.

Unfortunately finding air proved rather difficult, since she went the wrong way and ended up further in the house. So she kept wandering, keeping her chin held high and avoiding anyone who tried to talk to her. Zel assumed the rest of All Time Low was around, since it seemed those boys never did anything apart, but she hadn’t seen any of them; maybe that was a good thing.

She did have to knock off several advancing males, whether with polite refusals or physical shoves depending on the level of sobriety. Zel thought, as she dug her nails into a shoulder as she pushed it away, that maybe she was right in keeping away from boys.

After an hour of wandering Zel gave up and headed towards the free seat on a couch she spotted. Sure, the rest of it was occupied by a passed out form and a couple trying to eat the other’s face off, but it stayed in one place. However she didn’t quite make it.

“Zel!” She froze, eye widening: she recognised that voice. When Zel turned, she found the grinning face of Alex Gaskarth. She looked up and down as he made his way towards her; aside from his usual attire he had donned a large pirate hat, complete with feather.

Alex stopped, tilted back his cup to polish it off, and smiled charismatically at her again. “I was almost afraid y’weren’t coming,” he said, slinging an arm around her shoulder. “How long have ya been here? I’ll make you a drink.”

He led her off into the kitchen, though she only allowed herself to be led to avoid more talking. “How many drinks have you had?” she asked once they reached the long counter filled with alcohol.

“Oh, I lost track.” Zel carefully watched him mix her a drink and noted every liquid he poured into her cup. Once finished, Alex turned with another smile and held it out. “Good enough for a bartender, I hope.” She took it cautiously, peered into the rim, and blinked at him. He grinned blithely.

“You’re wasted, Alex,” she sighed and took a sip. Zel grimaced to herself as Alex chuckled and put his arm around her again. She brushed him off and headed into the backyard, where some of the more sober partygoers had gone.

Alex bounced up beside her when Zel paused on the deck to look at the couples. He missed the stony look on her face as he wound an arm around her waist. “You know, you keep blowing me off, I might not come back.”

“Then don’t.” Zel turned back inside, feeling her stomach clench, and took another long draw from her cup. Normally she didn’t drink; too responsible and too busy. But she figured the combination of heritage and the fact that she was probably going to be here a while meant she would be completely sober by the time Jack and Naomi needed driving home.

To her chagrin Alex continued following Zel around the house, chatting her up with that unwavering smile. She knew he would make her another drink if he knew she’d finished hers, so she kept it with her. But the worst part was him touching her and asking things like why didn’t she get his number so they could set something up. “I am determined to fulfil my promise of helping you,” he declared, tugging her closer as another guy approached; the stranger instantly diverted his attention to another, closer, more drunk girl.

Once no one in the immediate vicinity was looking at her, Zel planted a hand flat on Alex’s chest and pushed him away. “You can start by not touching me,” she advised, making to head away from him again. Maybe he’d get caught in someone else’s company.

But in a second she found herself tugged against him and she only barely got her arms up between them. Alex smiled blearily down at her, and Zel stared back at him. Dammit, she thought, dropping his gaze. His eyes are beautiful. “Oh, you’re done with your drink. I’ll make you another. Or you could make me one since you do it for a living.”

“I don’t want another drink, Alex.”

“Why?” He grinned, leaning in as he lowered his voice. “You afraid you’ll forget how responsible you are and give in to my sexiness?”

She smiled wryly, though it didn’t touch her eyes. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you,” Zel said, stepping away from him. She decided that she’d had enough party for onelifetime night, and she conveniently spotted Jack and Naomi heading outside from across the room.

Alex slid his hands around her hips and across her abdomen. “Baby, you’ve got no idea,” he murmured in her ear.

Something fluttered in Zel’s stomach, making her pause, but she pried his hands off and headed after the others. She really needed out. “Don’t flatter yourself, Gaskarth. I have absolutely no intention of sleeping with you, particularly since you’re completely plastered.”

“Would you fuck me sober?” He continued to follow her, occasionally reaching for her shoulder to stop her, but every time missed.

Zel grimaced as she skirted around two people making out. “Doubtful,” she replied, riding a path through the crowd behind a guy who must have been 6’7” if anything. “I see absolutely no reason why I should.”

Alex lurched forward and caught the back door, opening it for her. “Why? I can think of a zillion.” Zel raised an eyebrow and rolled her eyes before heading out; it was hard to take him seriously in that hat. The porch light didn’t extend too far, so finding Jack and Naomi, both dressed in dark clothes, would prove difficult. Particularly if Alex kept pestering her. The subject made her uncomfortable.

“Name five,” she challenged icily, searching the dim faces in the yard for Jack and Nay.

“No problem,” Alex said surely, walking backwards in front of her and ticking off his fingers. “Number one: I’m sexy.”

“You’re egotistical.”

“Number two: I’m an amazing singer.”

“You like the sound of your own voice.”

“Three: I like pleasing my lady of choice.”

“You think with your dick and I’m not your lady.”

“Four: You’re totally hot for me, I can tell.”

“You’re mental.”

“Five. Look at me.” Zel glanced at him before continuing her search. “Who wouldn’t want to sleep with me?”

“Naomi!” Zel could have cried she was so thankful to find her friend. Naomi was sitting on Jack’s lap on the tree swing, and pulled away from him to grin blithely at her. Jack, not to be distracted, buried his face in her neck, making her giggle. “Andiamo.”

Naomi made an exaggeratedly sad face, complete with puppy-dog eyes. She’d been drinking too. “Aww, isn’t Zellie having fun?” Zel glared, knowing that Nay could see Gaskarth over her shoulder. Naomi shrugged. “Well, Jack and I are staying here, so you’re shit out of luck.”

Seeing that she wasn’t responding, Jack sighed and put in his two cents. “Rian ‘n’ Zack’re here,” he reminded, slurring. “One of ‘em’s gotta be sober.” Naomi smiled at Jack and went back to kissing him, signalling that they’d lost interest in anyone else.

Zel fumed and turned back to the house. “No aiuto,” she growled to herself. She stalked back into the kitchen, where Alex got tired of simply following her and pressed her up against the kitchen counter. “Get off me, Alex.”

“No,” he stated simply, pulling off the pirate hat and placing it on the counter behind her, only managing to make himself a tad more respectable. “You’re so determined to get away from me, and I want your reasons. I don’t believe you wouldn’t have sex with me.”

“Reason number one,” Zel said through gritted teeth. “You’re drunk off your ass. Two: you’re the most self-centred person I’ve ever met. Three: I don’t know where you’ve been. Four: I’m smarter and more responsible than that. Five: You don’t even like me.”

Alex blinked away his mild expression. “I like you.”

“No, you like parts of me.” Zel shoved him off her. “And that doesn’t cut it.”

“I do like you,” he insisted as she strode into the noisy room. “I really like you.” Alex stumbled a step and caught Zel’s hand, tugging her until she stopped; he took her other hand and tilted her chin up so she was looking into his eyes. Zel found herself disarmed; he seemed alarmingly sober, and his brown eyes shone honestly. “I think... I love you.”

Her throat tightened and she found her mouth dry. She hadn’t heard those words, from anyone, in years. Never from a guy her age, not even her ex-boyfriend. She stared up at Alex, lips parted, for a long time. He smiled softly.

Zel’s eyes hardened. “Is that the best you’ve got?” she hissed venomously, ripping her hands away and walking out. She wanted to run, but she realised she wasn’t sure whether it was away from or towards Alex. He doesn’t mean it, she told herself, swallowing the lump in her throat. He’s drunk. He’s lying.

“Zel?” She jumped, ready to bolt, but it was Rian looking at her in concern. He put his hand on her shoulder. “What’s wrong?” Rian wiped away a tear that Zel didn’t know had fallen. “What happened?”

Without thinking she wrapped her arms around him tightly, hiding her face in his shoulder. Taken aback, Rian stood stiffly a moment before hugging her. Zel sniffled, squeezing her eyes shut; she couldn’t verbalise what was wrong, but it hurt. He moved them over to a free couch, where she latched onto his shoulder again, and stroked her hair comfortingly.

“Ri?” she said softly, below the din of the room. He hummed inquisitively, looking down at his old best friend. Zel sniffled. “Can I bother you to take me home?”

Rian smiled. “Absolutely,” he replied, helping her up. His arm went around her shoulder, and hers around his waist, and they headed out of the house. “Tell me what happened?”

Zel hesitated and looked back at the house, imagining Jack and Naomi enjoying each other’s… company… and all those other people, getting drunk and making mistakes and being alive. And Alex. “Maybe another time.”