All We Know Is Falling

Sean wasn’t too good at keeping secrets, but he knew when to keep his mouth shut, and he knew when something was important; this was defiantly the most important thing of the year.

It was mid-July. In exactly ten days, Ian Watkins was going to be 30. The big Three Oh. Sean knew that Ian’ within the midst of his semi-depression, had completely lost all track of time, dates and probably years. Sean couldn’t blame him though; anyone who was sane would be very unhappy if everything was going wrong.

Sean may be loud, naïve, whatever people thought of him.

However, he knew everything about Ian. Everything. He could always read what Ian was feeling, and although he knew it wasn’t all bad, it was still pretty awful.

Today, Ian had gone to see Lisa. Sean had offered to come with him, but he knew that Ian just wanted some time alone with his sister, and his mam, so he hadn’t been surprised, nor offended, when Ian had said it was okay.

Sean had, instead, made the most out of his time without Ian, and gone to see the lads at Snoz’s house. He loved being there with Ian, but he had some important planning to do. When he got there he was happy to note that all of the five were there, as well as Jamie and Lee from Ian’s ‘band’. Sean walked in, smiling, hi-fived them all, and gave Snoz a small “man-love” hug. One thing could be said about Sean’s friends; traditions were very important.

Sean smiled from familiarity. He could remember strongly staying here, back when him and Snoz were against the world. How about, Me and My Friend VS You and the Revolution. Snoz was Sean’s best friend, and had been for years. However, it got a bit intense at times, and they both agreed that it was best to get different places. The deal was sealed unanimously when Snoz had walked in on Sean and Ian playing kissy-face one time. Sean moved out before he saw anymore. Both of them were very grateful for the space, as it allowed for more than “kissy-face” to be reached.

This place still felt like a home to Sean. It smelt of all the smells he was used to when he was growing up. The two boys had got this place when they were only 18, quick to want to grow up and move their lives along. They loved their homes and where they lived, but only because they could finally afford to go to other places. Funny really; when you’re growing up in a small town, you can’t wait to leave, but when you actually get around to moving and leaving and having holidays, you can never wait to get back home.

Sean plonked himself down on the sofa, the same sofa from 5 years ago when Sean had moved out. Snoz was never a one for change. The sofa was old, smelt funny, and was really tasteless; red, with a velvety feel, and a grotesque Waverly pattern: flowers and stripes and embossing galore. Sean hated to think what the smell was, but if you sat in the wrong place, it would sort of smell like dog food: that really strong smell that hits you if you go into a Pet Shop, and really did make you feel sick to your stomach. Snoz and Sean never wanted to get rid of it though. In fact, Sean said that if his flat was big enough he would have taken it with him. Memories were just as important as traditions in this group of friends.

Parties, they never were much fun to Sean. Snoz tried to have one every month if he could, because he liked having his friends round, and it was the one excuse to get the girls over there. Sean usually hated them; not being a fan of girls and not drinking booze, it was hard to really get along with anyone. Sean’s five best friends all drank, not too much, but enough to get drunk. Sean didn’t drink since one episode when he was 15. Not remembering those memories, thank you.

Harmless as his friends were, they were crazy drunks. Gavin would stand on the sofa, shouting about his love for so-and-so, and Rhys would cry if there was no cheese in the fridge. Matthew, quiet as he was, would usually get naked for some reason, and Bob would sit filming it on his phone and then regret it in the morning when he watched it back. Snoz just made sure everyone was having a good time, so he said. This involved going around to every girl at the party and asking if they were ok. Some used a polite but dismissive “yes” and some would talk for ages.

Snoz was also a “screaming drunk”, meaning if he was one thing that scared him, or made him jump, or anything along the lines, he would run around crying and screaming, then forget why he was screaming, and then forget he had screamed at all.

Sean, meanwhile, sat around, doing nothing but occasionally giggle at his friends. Girls came up to him, and he talked, but as soon as they got touchy feely he was quick to move. Just walk away, do not want to explain that one tonight.

However, one party was different, because it was the party when Rhys invited Jamie and his friends over. Rhys had a bit of a thing for Jamie, although he never acted on it, still hadn’t now. Sean knew that as soon as they walked in, it was going to be a better party than usual. Only he saw what he did. The tallest one, and best looking in Sean’s eyes, looked around, shiftily, and slipped of his wedding ring. He pushed it into his jeans pocket, sighed, and smiled. He then looked around again, and Sean narrowly avoided his gaze, not wanting to cause a fuss. He looked back 2 seconds later, but this time Ian caught his gaze, because he was very nice to look at. Their eyes met, only for a minute, before Ian started walking over to Sean.

Ian stuck out his hand, mumbled “Ian,” and smiled, sitting down after they had shook hands. They had sat on the sofa all night, and only when Ian grabbed Sean’s hand, and put his head on his shoulder did Sean bring the ring up. Ian smiled, “Yeah, married. Not so great, not so bad. I would say “don’t knock it ‘til you try it” but I’d hate to see you signed off to someone else.”

They had shared passionate kisses all night.

Well.

At least he was honest. And up front.

And a really good kisser.

Sean smiled at the thoughts. Everything felt so warm in this home, and it wasn’t even because Snoz often put the heating on in the middle of July to “take the chill off”, and then forgot about it. Another thing- the bills were so high. Thank God Snoz got help from his friends, who stayed there very often. Snoz’s lady friend, Hannah, helped out too.

“Sean, stop smiling like that, it’s creepy,” Gavin laughed, breaking Sean from his thoughts, “You got here like five hours ago, and now you’ve been silent for like… ten minutes. Quiet for five hours, okay, but not silent for ten minutes. It’s not like you. It’s wrong.”

“He was obviously thinking of the time him and Ian were doing it on the sofa,” Snoz laughed.

Sean laughed more, “Snoz, you are such a lyin’ little prick. Anyway, I was not thinking of anything of the sort.”

“How is Ian, anyway?” Rhys chirped in, “You guys still horny as ever?”

“Fuck you, Lewis!”

“No, actually, you fuck Watkins. Remember?”

Sean felt himself going bright red, “Shut up!” he squeaked, going even more red because he sounded like a child, when their grandmother talks about if they have a girlfriend yet, ooh, yes, what’s her name? Kate? Ooh, that’s a nice name. I’ll have to meet her; Naaaan! Just Shut Up!.

The boys laughed, to which Sean just responded by sticking his middle finger up to them all, crossing his arms, and sulking.

“Awww, Seanie, don’t be so silly!” Gavin cooed, pinching Sean’s cheeks, “Anyway, how is Ian?”

“He’s good,” Sean smiled. They knew him too well. One mention of Ian and all his woes were gone in a skipped heartbeat.

“That’s alright then. So, it’s his birthday soon-”

Jamie cut in, “Got him anything sexy yet?”

“For fucks sake. It isn’t all about sex in our relationship you know!”

“We know, we know. But still, whattcha gettin’ him?”

“I haven’t got him anything yet. I was hoping we could all sort of, plan a, I dunno, party thing?”

“Great idea!” Snoz cheered,

“Not one of your drunk party things. A good party. A surprise one,”

“You want a bouncy castle and Jelly and Ice Cream to go with that, boyo?” Jamie laughed softly. Bless Sean, he was trying. Shame the boys were all a bit too tipsy to take him seriously. He laughed to himself, being the only sober one along with Sean, he could tell that Sean was getting slightly touchy about the subject. Take it seriously, now, Jamie.

“Yeah, yeah, very funny. I mean it guys, Ian needs to take a load off. It isn’t fair, all this stuff tha’s been happening recently.”

“Well then,” Jamie spoke to Sean, over the drabble of conversation in the background. Everyone had forgotten what they were talking about, and gone back into drunken conversation, apart from himself, Sean and Rhys, who was trying to keep up as much as he could, “maybe a bouncy castle and stuff wouldn’t be so bad. We could have a proper fun time, some booze, some party food shit, some whatever. It doesn’t have to be all serious. Ian wouldn’t even have to know about it. And me and Rhys here could plan it all out, seeing as you have the- erm- ability, to keep him all entertained and everything.”

Sean nodded, and discussed all the ideas with Jamie and Rhys. When Jamie went for a toilet break, Sean looked at Rhys, “You know, if you want his attention, you could really do it now. If you’re going to be doing this all together, now’s the time to get your teeth in.” Sean giggled.

“It’s all right for you, all you had to do was look at Ian and you two hit it of. Here I am, and what do I do? I fucking act like a dick just to get his attention. I’m not even fucking drunk, Seanie. I just… can’t speak to him properly without getting a lump in my stomach, unless I don’t speak about proper stuff.”

“Well, you can’t be ‘pissed’ the whole time you’re with him, Rhys! Just, sober up now? I’m sure he’ll appreciate it, being around all these drunken idiots.”

Upon hearing that, Gavin stood up, pointed to himself, “I, Mr Smith, am not drunked up, at all!” and then proceeded to fall over in a fit of giggles, while everyone else just stared. No-one knew what he was laughing at, but Sean got out of their quick before they all started on the laughing again. He winked at Rhys on his way out, as Jamie was talking to him now, to which Rhys went red, making Jamie ask why. Oh God, Sean thought That boy hasn’t got a hope in hell.

Sean walked out of the house feeling much better. Now all he had to do was get Jamie to distract Ian sometime so he could get him a present.

Sean knew exactly what he was going to do for Ian’s birthday, and thank god for Jamie knowing how to help too.

Sean drove home, feeling refreshed. He walked into the apartment, to find Ian curled up in bed. Sean checked the time, saw that it was 10 o’clock. Sean had been at Snoz’s house for 6 hours now, since 4 that afternoon. He looked on the table, and saw a note from Ian:

Come to beeed, Seanie!
Ian, xxx

Sean giggled, and without meaning to, picked up the note and kissed it. He slipped off his shirt and trousers and got in to bed next to Ian. Ian stirred, but didn’t wake up. Sean sighed, relieved. Ian really did deserve a good night’s sleep. Both him and Ian were worn out, but if Sean could feel the effect of everything recently, then he would hate to think how Ian felt. Nightmares were dying down now, and he rarely had them, but the last few weeks, weeks, is that all it was, had really taken their toll.