All We Know Is Falling

After Sean’s sudden departure yesterday, Ian had run out after him. He had grabbed Sean by the arm, pulled him to face him, asked what was going on.

Sean’s face broke Ian’s heart. He was crying, red cheeked and looked totally lost.

“Sean, what did I do?” Ian asked, searching in Sean’s deep eyes with his own watery ones.

“You- you don’t- can’t even-“ Sean’s words were broke up by sobs, each heaving more strength out of him than the last, “-can’t even fucking- fucking give a shit- I’ve spent too- too long- to be laughed at- by you.” Sean’s finger pushed into Ian’s chest, and he scowled. Ian was still looking into Sean’s eyes, his sight shifting from one eye to the other, still completely confused.

“I have spent- fucking hours- on this Ian. And all- all you can fucking do- is fucking laugh at me. Well, here, here is something- fucking funny.” Sean felt more tears cascade down his face, “do not think that- you are- sleeping in my apartment tonight. Find- another fucking- bed to share. Find another- person to keep- keep you together.”

Ian whimpered at each word, each syllable making him almost flinch in pain. Each single utterance that came from Sean’s lips felt like knives in his stomach. In his heart. All over his body, he felt the pain, and as Sean walked away, his feet clapping loudly with the pavement, he felt like every sound that echoed around the area was mocking him. Teasing him. This is it, Ian. You have officially lost everything.

Ian kept replaying the scene in his head. He kept replaying the whole thing, from when he walked into the hall, to when Sean feinted, to when Sean walked away. Every single “what if” that was possible came into his mind. When he had walked back into the hall, The boys were up on chairs staring out of the window. Whilst Snoz ran after Sean, pushing past Ian on his way in, Jamie was there to catch Ian when he came in, and collapsed in a fit of tears. He looked around the hall as best as he could, since his vision was blurred from his tears, and he cried more, because he could see what effort had gone into the whle thing. He didn’t ask what was behind the divider, because he was scared to.

What If:

What if I hadn’t of followed Sean out? Would he have come back in, laughing, saying sorry, saying he needed air, saying he was stupid.

What if two nights ago, I had cooked Sean a meal, instead of practically begging him for sex? He could have been up to it, wouldn’t have feinted, wouldn’t have stormed out.

What if he hadn’t felt that he had to do all this for me? He wouldn’t have been under so much pressure, could have taken everything easier, could have had a good time. We could have had a good time together.

What if I hadn’t of laughed?

That was the one that Ian stopped at. He hadn’t been laughing at Sean. He had been laughing at his own thoughts. His own dirty mind, drifting in and out of thoughts of the night before. He was still on a high, because he felt so damn good.

Why did Sean overreact?

Ian knew the answer. It was because he was stressed out.

Who could blame him? He was spending every single waking our thinking about Ian, forgetting to eat because his mind was instead feasting away at thoughts about Ian. Everyone was feeling the pressure, and although Ian admitted to himself that this was affecting him, he still couldn’t shake the feeling that it was Sean who was under the most strain. He had to make sure everything was working perfectly, afraid that if it wasn’t Ian would crumble.

Ian strained his mind to think of why Sean would think that. He had known that both him and Sean had suffered many a sleepless night over this whole period of time. How long even was it? Him and Sean had planned to be perfectly happy; no more worries about getting caught, no more restrictions on time. And everything had been going perfectly. Where as before they were spending most of their time catching up on the physical elements of their relationship, now they could talk, and Ian found comfort in everything Sean said. He had a way with words that wasn’t amazing, it was in fact pretty basic; yet Ian wanted to talk with Sean all night long, and never sleep if they could get away with it. Sean’s voice was soothing, his conversational topics refreshing, and when Ian was worn out, yet couldn’t sleep, Sean tried his very best to put his voice to good use and sing Ian to sleep.

It was no wonder that Sean was falling apart. The pressure of Ian’s world splitting into a million pieces meant that Sean was making up the whole of Ian’s world. No one could handle that much pressure, no matter how much they said they didn’t mind.

So, Ian concluded, it was no wonder than Sean had been on edge. No wonder he wanted- no, needed everything to be perfect. He felt he had to, because “Ian needed a break”. Instead, he did the exact opposite, and crumbled under the pressure himself. Sean was the one who needed the break, not Ian. Ian had his break every night, when Sean’s comforting voice would sooth him to sleep. Ian never thought that Sean needed someone to send him to sleep.

Tears were streaking Ian’s face. He wiped them away fiercely with the back of his hand. He was lying on Jamie’s sofa, facing towards the cream leather back. He heard two pairs of feet pad down the stairs, and shut his eyes. He was not in the mood to speak, or to be spoken to.

“Jamie, what do we do? We can’t just leave him,” Rhys’s voice softly broke the silence that the three people had been shifting in uncomfortably. Ian kept his eyes shut, tightly.

“I know, Rhys, but what can we do. Until Ian and Sean start speaking to us, there’s no way he can get them to speak to each other,” Jamie replied in hushed tones. He had heard Ian crying softly all night, trying not to wake anyone but not being able to hold it in.

“Sean’s in a real bad state,” Rhys whispered solemnly, “Gavin and Snoz said he spent the whole evening sat with his head over the toilet bowl, chucking up his guts. As soon as they fed him anything, he threw it up again. Couldn’t even keep down a glass of water.”

“Shit,” Jamie muttered, “All we can do now is wait until Ian wakes up. We’ll go sit in the kitchen, make some breakfast,” Jamie and Rhys trailed off, into the kitchen that was just opposite the lounge.

Hearing about Sean only made Ian want to cry more. He tried to hold it in, but eventually couldn’t trying to cry silently. One sob gave him away, and Jamie came rushing to his side. Ian turned over, his face red raw on one side from where the sofa had rubbed his face.

“Have you slept at all, Ian?” Jamie asked, sitting Ian up, and rubbing his back. Ian shook his head in response, “So you heard about Seanie then?” Ian nodded, “Oh.” Jamie felt himself choke up. Ian looked truly distraught.

Ian, Jamie and Rhys sat in an awkward silence, until Ian opened his mouth to say something. Jamie and Rhys both watched him in anticipation, while Ian tried to find saliva in his mouth to moisten his lips. Giving up, he finally croaked, “I am a fuckin’ idiot, aren’t I?”

Rhys rushed to the other side of Ian, fighting back, “No, no! Ian you aren’t!”

“No one thinks you’re an idiot, Ian. Nobody.”

“Sean does. Sean isn’t a nobody. Sean-“ Ian felt himself fall against Jamie’s shoulder, “Sean’s never been a nobody. Sean’s everything,” Ian sobbed quietly, “He’s everything to me.”

“I know, I know,” Jamie rubbed Ian’s back in what he hoped was comfort, hoping to God that Ian didn’t fight back with you know nothing. He didn’t. He fell back against the sofa, his arms around Jamie’s neck, crying into his shirt faintly. Jamie rubbed his back, whilst shrugging to Rhys, who looked confused at what to do next. Jamie pulled away from Ian, still stroking his back.

“Maybe,” Jamie wondered aloud, “You could do with a bath? Some food?” Ian nodded silently, “Then maybe we could phone Gavin and talk about what to do next?” Ian nodded again, wondering up the stairs to the bathtub. He sat on the floor, staring into space, while Rhys filled the tub with warm. Jamie undressed Ian, who seemed to be denying them any co-operation, and then they both left him to soak in the tub, shutting the door behind them.

Now he was alone, Ian thought. He thought deeply about everything he had. He stared around the bathroom, looking at everything that would give him the simple way out of this mess. He could walk away from everything. The heartache. The pain. The simple fact that he knew he couldn’t get out of it.

His house was burnt down long ago. It felt like years, but in reality it was only a few weeks. Him and Sean could always get a new place together, but it would take years to build it up how they liked it, and it would take longer to pay off the debts that came with that. Everything Ian worked for had gone, his comforts, his home.

Ivy had left him, and although they both knew it was a mutual thing, it still made him feel like an asshole upon reflection. He didn’t care for her. Since Sean he never really had. Sean was something different. But maybe Sean would become like Ivy one day? Would he be stuck in another loveless relationship with the one person he loved more than anything? He couldn’t even imagine.

His job, everything he worked for in life, was gone. The company washed out, and even though he got a lump fee of money, it wouldn’t last forever. It would dwindle, and since the company collapsed, Ian’s sprits for work had dwindled too. he hated working, always had. He just needed to. Sean worked, but not full time. He wouldn’t be able to afford their living on his own. Ian would have to work in another lifeless job.

There were three people in his family who meant the most to him. His mam, who was coping better than he’d thought she would. Lisa, who was ill. Really ill. She had good days, where she was fine, wondered if she was ill, wondered if it was all in her head and wondered what she was doing taking up time. She had bad days- terrible days- where she couldn’t get out of bed and could do nothing without the help of someone else. She could eat nothing but soup, and even sitting down tired her out, sleep not even replenishing her empty energy levels. Chris. Chris was fucking dead. It was impossible to keep calm about death. No one could do it, unless they were fucking odd in the head. Sean knew the pain Ian had gone through. Maybe Ian and Sean could start a new family, one that Lisa and his Mam and Chris would be proud of. They could get married, adopt kids.

Ian was brought back to earth by the sudden realisation that every single problem he thought about was made easier by the fact that he had Sean. Sean, who thought he was the biggest prick ever. Sean, who couldn’t even eat because of Ian. If he couldn’t eat, how could he stand being in the same room as him, or the same bed. There was no point in Ian being here, on this earth, if every single time something went wrong he sought to solve it with someone whom he loved, but in return hated him.

Ian got out of the bath steadily. The water had gone cold, and he was bored of sitting, stewing in his own thoughts. He walked over to the mirror, studied his reflection. Rubbing his fingers under his eyes, he noticed the bags under his eyes, showing the little sleep he got last night. His fingers slipped from his face, falling upon the handle of the medical cabinet in front of him. A voice inside him was telling him it was the easy way out. The way to stop your heartache, it was saying, and stop Sean’s as well. Sean will move on. He’ll find someone better. Ian had opened the cabinet, and was moving his fingers over the top of a bottle of sleeping pills. 10 of these, the voice was saying, and it’ll be perfect. Easy, quick, painless. Less pain than if you stay alive. Less pain than if Sean turns to you and says, “No Ian. I don’t want to date you.”

Ian’s eyes fixed upon his reflection in the other door of the cabinet. He looked, again, at his eyes. In them, he saw Sean’s eyes.

See, Ian, another voice told him softly, that’s the thing. You could end it now, but what’s the point when you know you would never seen Sean again. Everything would end on a sour note. You need to sort it out. Nothing good would happen out of these pills. You wouldn’t be happy, because you’d be somewhere that Sean can’t get. You’d be lonely, and would have to watch Sean living his life without you, knowing that you can do nothing about it.

Ian sighed. He closed the cabinet, splashed some cool water on his face, and padded down the stairs softly. He sat in the kitchen, eating what he could of the ham and chips Jamie placed in front of him. It was cold, but he didn’t care. His mind was elsewhere. He just hoped that he had been right to turn away from the sleeping tablets. He sighed again, this time deeply. He knew he had to see Sean. He knew. He didn’t know how, he didn’t know what the reaction would be, but he had to do it soon. Without Sean, Ian was empty. He had nothing left without Sean, and although Ian thought he had lost everything, he could cope, as long as his hadn’t lost his everything.